In the past couple of weeks my understanding of the consequence of our participation in the mind has deepened and so has my understanding of the power of making committed decisions to change. I’ll share a few examples here.
So the other day I had gotten excited about something I had found online and as I often do when I find something that interests me, I immersed myself in it and started investigating it. This time however, I accepted and allowed myself (i.e. decided) to go all the way into an experience of excitement and became quite obsessed and possessed with what I had found.
What I saw was an opportunity to expand myself within my self-expression and it is something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. But instead of remaining commonsensical about it, I started going into a positive reaction towards what I was seeing which eventually escalated into an experience of fear and anxiety towards losing it.
The next day I started experiencing this ‘ball’ of anxiety growing within my solar plexus and it was an extremely uncomfortable experience. I looked within myself to find the source of the experience but I couldn’t see any thoughts that had come up towards which I had generated anxiety. Eventually, with the assistance of a friend, I started seeing how it was from going into extreme excitement the day before that I had eventually turned it into anxiety. I had literally become so excited that I made my excitement into anxiety.
Another example has to do with conflicts that have come up between my partner and myself. This is something that I have been focused on stopping and changing for a long time and that I have struggled with because the experiences of anger and frustration triggers so automatically that I’ve found it difficult to stop/control.
Afterwards I’ve feel deeply exhausted and have had a tendency to react to my own reactions where I’d become angry and frustrated with myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react. The experience as a consequence within the body is very uncomfortable.
Years ago someone shared with me how, at some point you get to a point in your process where you realize that ‘enough is enough’, where you start seeing the effects that participating in the mind has on the body and how uncomfortable it actually is to exist in constant reaction. I’ve thought about this many times and although I’ve understood it on a conscious level, I haven’t entirely understood it within the core of my being. Well, I do now.
What I have also realized is that, although reactions are automated – as with the anger that comes up within me in the conflicts I’ve had with my partner, I am still making a decision to go into anger. There is a moment of infinite space that one will see – especially the more one walks one’s process of understanding, a split second if you will, where we have the potential to stop our automated behavior and change who we are within the moment. It is about making a decision, a decision about who we are and who we are going to be.
So in relation to the points I’ve been wanting to change, I see that I’ve been stuck within this exact point of ‘wanting to change’ wherein I’ve become frustrated and angry with myself, ashamed, felt guilty and where I’ve wanted to give up. I’ve come up with all sorts of explanations and excuses in my mind as to why I apparently couldn’t change, but what I haven’t done is getting to the point of seeing in absolute clarity that “Enough is enough” and from there making the decision to stand up and change.
What I have also realized about this is that this point is not something that can be faked. We can say to ourselves over and over that “I must change” or even “enough is enough!” in an attempt to try and force ourselves to change, but if we haven’t actually seen this as a fact, within for example seeing the direct consequences of our actions – it will be meaningless.
Because the corrective application implied based on the realization that “Enough is enough” is the absolute commitment to change, to stick to it no matter what – to keep getting up no matter how many times we have to fall, to not even focus on the point of falling, but only on the point of getting up and keep getting up, until we eventually stand. It starts with a decision, but the decision is a continuous process that must be made over and over until the change is substantiated as a part of who we are – just like the patterns of dysfunction are it right now.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself in relation to my own reactions, where I experience myself as helpless and hopeless and that I don’t know what to do to stop my reactions, when the truth is that I haven’t actually made an absolute decision or commitment to work with/through my reactions, for example through specific self-forgiveness and self-commitments or through practical application in real time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to delude and deceive myself into believing and accepting that I am powerless towards parts and aspects of myself that I see are unacceptable because I haven’t been able to stop/change them by simply seeing that I need to change them – instead of realizing that stopping/changing behavior takes commitment and dedication and that I have to make an actual committed decision to change rather than simply wanting to
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that wanting to change, feeling desperate towards changing, trying to change, is not the same as making an actual committed decision to change, wherein I take responsibility for my behavior/actions and work with real practical change and understanding
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of wanting to change, of trying to change, of feeling desperate and frustrated because I am not changing, while at the same time not having made an actual committed decision to change and so within that deceive myself into believing that I’m ‘doing something about it’ – when the fact of the matter is that I am not
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to change and then wait for this change to magically happen without me actually putting in any effort or dedication towards changing myself and to then get frustrated and judge myself when I am not changing – instead of realizing that if I do not make a committed decision to change and then lay out a practical corrective process for myself, nothing will change – ever
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a self-sabotage and self-manipulation and deception pattern/habit wherein and through which I, when I see myself engaging in behavior that I know is unacceptable such as oversleeping or reacting in anger towards my partner, react to that which I see by judging myself, by becoming angry and frustrated with myself, with feeling defeated and inferiorized and powerless – and thus sabotage the point of taking responsibility for myself because I now go into an emotional reaction that takes my focus away from focusing on the point of actual change
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a self-sabotage and suppression pattern/habit of, when I react to seeing myself engaging in something that I know is unacceptable, immediately want to hide/suppress myself so as to not face/deal with the reaction that’s coming up within me, which in turn takes me even further away from the point of practically correcting myself and taking responsibility for the initial point of seeing myself engaging in something that I know is unacceptable
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am disempowering myself every time I make the decision to react to me doing something that I know is unacceptable and then react to that reaction by wanting to suppress and hide form myself – when in fact I can empower myself immediately and thereby clear myself and clear the way for myself to expand within my potential, by immediately going to the point of absolute self-honesty and self-responsibility in seeing what I’m accepting and allowing, forgiving myself and then laying out a corrective process for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and angry with myself and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, when I see myself repeatedly doing things that I’ve already established is unacceptable/not supportive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that going into a reaction of self-hate, blame, judgment, frustration and disappointment projected towards myself when I see that I’m engaging in something that’s unacceptable, is the same as saying “enough is enough” – and then within that reaction tell myself that I have to stop and that I can’t continue doing what I’m doing – only to then repeat it all over again and thus elicit an even more intense reaction when I do – – – instead of realizing that ‘enough is enough’ comes from a realization within self-honesty and is a committed decision to change based on seeing – not reacting to – the consequences of my actions/who/what I’m accepting and allowing myself to be/live as/within
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously accept and make the justification and excuse for myself that some points are just very hard to change – to the point where I’ve secretively inside myself accepted that I just have to live with some points/flaws – not realizing how I am within this accepting and allowing myself to diminish and disempower and compromise and limit myself to an utmost extent by accepting the mind’s directive principle over me as superior, instead of making a committed decision to establish myself as the directive principle of myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that there are some parts/aspects of myself that are simply to difficult to change and that it is okay for me to then let them be and not take responsibility for changing them, within and as accepting myself as inferior to and defeated by them – rather than making a committed decision to find a way to change, no matter how long it takes or how much I have to work towards finding that solution
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making a committed decision to change means to make a decision to change no matter how long it takes to practically change the point/pattern/behavior – not that this change will then automatically come simply because I make a decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard the power of writing and applying self-forgiveness out loud when it comes to clearing my starting-point and foundation in relation to who I am/who I decide to be in relation to a certain point/pattern/behavior – and that I have then instead expected myself to be able to change myself simply by seeing that something needs to change, but without actually clearing a path for myself, to stand clear in relation to why it is I am changing, what I am changing and how I am going to change on a practical level
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard the effect that accepting and allowing the mind to be my directive principle has on my physical body, on this existence as a whole and on my relationships with myself/others – by existing within a position of “not being able to see the forest for the trees” where I’ve desensitized myself and existed in such a state of suppression within my mind/body/being relationship that I’ve been able to ignore the actual effects that the mind has on my body – while at the same time being unconsciously aware of it and trying to deal with it by escaping having to feel and experience myself and what’s actually going on within/as me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a coping mechanism of suppressing everything that is uncomfortable/painful/unacceptable within me and then when I ‘resurface’ feel fine and I use that to justify that the experience/reaction is ‘gone’ and ‘done’ because it is apparently not ‘here’ anymore and I am functional and can participate in my reality effectively – – and thereby compromise my body extensively as I let the body absorb the reaction/energy and deal with it as it is suppressed within me, only to resurface later because I didn’t actually take responsibility for it within myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in an experience of excitement despite knowing that when I accept and allow myself to participate in energetic experiences I am compromising myself and my body and I am accepting and allowing the mind as my directive principle despite knowing that the mind’s directive principle is to survive as the mind while compromising life in all and every ways because that’s what the mind is programmed to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in and engage in an experience of excitement because it feels good – not realizing that it doesn’t actually feel or do good to the body or myself but only to the mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret a moment of seeing how I can expand myself within my self-expression through the mind through going into excitement rather than simply remaining stable and in stability celebrating the opportunity that I have to expand myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow myself to dive so deep into the experience of excitement that I drive myself into anxiety in how excitement energy is directly linked to anxiety energy within the mind – as the mind does not distinguish between positive and negative experiences as all energy is essentially the same
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, because I accepted and allowed myself to become more and more excited, start becoming anxious about that which I am excited about, within experiencing the excitement relative to obtaining that which I am excited about and the more that I feel that I ‘have it’ the more I start fearing to lose it within and through my excitement making the point I am excited about into something more within my mind than what it actually is
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of excitement as indicated by a faced paced energy experience of vibration within my body/skin, I stop and I breathe and I stabilize myself here. I realize that it is only to the mind that excitement feels good as excitement to the body is painful and uncomfortable as it moves the body out of its stability and forces it to disconnect with its stability – specifically within separating myself from the point I’m becoming excited about by seeing/experiencing it as something more
I commit myself to bring myself back to common sense and to allow myself to express joy and celebration over having seen/found something within/through which I can expand myself/my life – but without making it something more, without separating myself from myself in fearing to lose it but rather through standing stable within seeing it for what it is
When and as I see that I am reacting to seeing myself engaging in something that I know to be unacceptable by going into self-judgment, blame and anger projected towards myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I react to seeing myself engaging in something that I know is unacceptable, I am manipulating and sabotaging myself to abdicate responsibility for what I see and from changing and correcting that immediately within the moment of seeing – I am disempowering myself instead of empowering myself. I commit myself to stop reacting when I see myself engaging in something that I know is unacceptable, and instead immediately look at how I can correct/change myself in self-honesty and immediately apply that change.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to think about changing something within myself/my behavior and I see that I am thinking that I want to change, that I’ve tried to change and that I can’t – I stop and I breathe. I realized that I’ve manipulated and deceived myself through thinking that I want, try and can’t change but without actually making an absolute committed decision to change. I commit myself to, whenever I see a point that requires me to change/correct myself, to make a committed decision to change and to script a practical corrective process for myself to walk so as to substantiate that decision into reality and to do so no matter how long it takes or how many time I fall, until I find a solution, until I stand.
I commit myself to honor myself the the potential that I have to become and live the utmost of what I am capable to contribute to an existence that is best for all through empowering myself within making committed decisions to change.
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