A couple of weeks ago, our male cat Cheeky in a moment of excitement knocked over one of our plants. The same plant had the winter before almost died before we managed to save it through giving it increased care and attention. This time I gave the plant new soil and put it back in its place. The cat knocked it over once more. Again I had to change the soil but this time I moved the plant. I knew that the plant is sensitive to winter so I was concerned if it would manage to live through the trauma of being knocked over and having its roots mangled. Then it happened again. Since the last two times it had happened, it had lost leaves and was looking more and more like it wasn’t going to make it. I was very close to giving up on it and throwing it in the trash, thinking that “oh well, it’s just a generic house plant that I bought at the store.”. But then I saw the life within the plant, I saw that it was still alive and that the only reason to give up on it was because I was too lazy to replant it again and keep it away from the cat. I also judged myself for being responsible for its demise. In that moment I decided to not give up. I decided that I am going to give it my all to make sure that this plant survives. It has been through so much already and it has managed to make it against all odds. Last winter it almost died but the next spring it came back with more vigor than ever. So I am not giving up on it. I gave it new soil and a new pot and I placed it so high up that the cats can’t possibly get to it.
It is the same dedication and devotion that I am going to work with here in relation to myself, to stand with myself through the hard times, through the failures and the mistakes – and to see it through, to see myself through and to not give up on the potential of life within me.
In this blog post I am sharing a point of introspection regarding oversleeping and how we essentially squander developing our utmost potential through self-interest and through going into polarities within our minds. From the starting-point of looking at oversleeping I will investigate the weaknesses or points of self-interest that stand in our way of becoming out full potential, weaknesses as justifications to hold onto who we have been and not become that which we potentially can be – to start living instead of squandering the potential for greatness that is within us all. Many of us have issues with oversleeping and many may have found it difficult to change.
This is what I have realized in relation to oversleeping:
What I have previously found was the point of oversleeping was strongly connected to a point of suppression where there were parts and aspects of myself I feared facing. This is however not what I have experienced this time around. I suggest for each to investigate the point of oversleeping for themselves in self-honesty as your reasons for oversleeping might be different from mine. This does however not mean that we can’t be supported by each other’s self-support. The experience that I have had is that I am simply tired and I see that it has a distinct connection to a general sense of stress that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into over the last year. (I recommend watching this webinar from the Self & Living Store on stress for more support: Why Are You Stressed & How Can You Let it Go?)
I also see that there’s a point of spite in oversleeping because it’s something I want to do and as such waste time/lose time that could have been used on bringing something of value to the world, meaning that I’d prioritize doing what ‘feels good’ to me, rather than doing that which is best for all.
What I have found happens with oversleeping is that I start my day by setting a ‘bad example’ for myself – in starting my day in self-interest, self-sabotage, self-manipulation and denial and as such potentially corrupt and compromise my entire day, because that is who and what I accepted and allowed myself to be from the get go – if I don’t stop and change.
I also know that I have the potential to for example wake up every day at 6 in a consistent and supportive way because I’ve done it before. So I see how this point of accepting and allowing myself to oversleep is therefore a part of a pattern of slacking within and as self-interest of just wanting life to be easy, fun, entertaining and comfortable. This then stands in stark contrast and polarity to the experience of stress and being burdened by responsibilities.
A specific point of justification and self-deception in this is the experience that if I oversleep, it doesn’t have any significant consequences. It’s like that little voice that many people caught in addiction has, that say: “just a littttttle bit more….” Or: “I’ll stop tomorrow…”. Another justification I’ve seen in relation to this, is that I have become very effective in certain areas of my life, so effective that it has become natural to me and so I see how I’ve used this as an excuse and a justification, a literal point of denial where I’ve told myself that “it’s not that bad, because I’m doing okay.”
I know that I have the potential to do and be so much more. I know I can be a force to be reckoned with, from the perspective of bringing the essence of who I am as a being into the world and making an actual difference, not by being special or being more or better than anyone else, but simply through bringing the essence of who I am into the world and thus contributing to making real change happen, through the skills, expression and qualities that is within me.
To become that force to be reckoned with however, requires a stable, consistent, every day application of things that I might not enjoy doing, of simply doing things that does not give me any form of energetic satisfaction or recognition – where the value I am creating is manifested on a substantial and physical level as real change, a process that is created slowly but surely, similarly to laying bricks of a house. There’s no other way to go but to place them one by one.
As you’re building the house you have the blueprint and the final result planned out. But as you build the focus is on each brick and its placement on top of the previous. And for a moment you look up and you see how little you’ve done and how many bricks are still left and you wonder if you will ever be able to build a house, and it seems impossible, and you start to feel bored. So what is cool about this analogy is to see how creating something from nothing requires full focus and attention on each moment of creation – not on the final out comes.
The house will only start taking shape as you go laying each brick, slowly but surely, in a consistent flow. Eventually you’ll start seeing the outline; there will be more bricks placed in the structure than will be left on the ground and in the end you will have built a house. I have done this with other creation processes, processes where I’ve been absolutely determined and steadfast and insistent in getting it done – as well as in understanding what it takes to get it done, not even going to the point of thinking about it or how it makes me feel, because I am in a total and full commitment to what I am doing.
So what I’ve learned from all of this is that the desire for an easy-going lifestyle that doesn’t demand much of me, where what I do doesn’t have any consequences in the lives of others, is directly linked to the opposite polarity of existing in fear of not being good enough, of not doing enough, of trying to moralize myself into being better, of stressing over getting everything done.
I’ve been so fixated on how ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ it is that I oversleep for example or that I slack in certain areas of responsibilities, that I haven’t stopped to look at where that point of oversleeping and slacking actually comes from.
I hadn’t realized that the pattern of oversleeping was connected to stress and I hadn’t considered that precisely a year ago my blogs was focusing on an experience of stress connected to my job. What I am realizing now is that although I walked through dimensions of this stress, I allowed ‘bits and pieces’ of it to linger and eventually throughout the year I found myself in a perpetual state of constant stress. What actually happened was that because I had already walked through it in writing and in self-corrective application, I concluded that I was done and therefore I refused to acknowledge that I still existed in stress. The more I stressed, the less effective I became in balancing the various responsibilities in my life.
So this has been quite a journey, from writing about stress and being satisfied that I had walked through it, to keep on lingering in the stress subconsciously and trying to be more effective, causing me to be less effective and eventually resulting in oversleeping and slacking as an automated polar reaction. I then went into judging myself for oversleeping and moralized the point for myself, thus causing me to not look at what other causes could be involved with why I always felt so tired. I simply saw it and thus myself as ‘wrong’ and then concluded that I had to ‘get my shit together’ so to speak.
The fact of the matter is that with my job, it is still very new to me. Obviously after three years into it I know a lot more, but on a physical and practical level I am not yet up to a standard that I am 100 % satisfied with. I see how I have compared myself to others who either have a more suited background to do the job or who has a more natural inclination for making it work.
What is interesting about the point of getting good at my work is that it is not something I can rush or force to come through. It literally takes the time it takes to become effective at it and I only have so much time during a week or a day. This is something that I’ve been aware of but that I’ve also brushed off, in focusing more on projecting myself into where I wanted to be, rather than walking what is needed to be done here, step by step.
Within this, I’ve made work and also other responsibilities something that I dreaded because I judged myself as not being good enough and as having to be better, thereby polarizing it and creating an opposite polarity of ‘winding down’ to balance it out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have polarized myself into two polarized experiences of stress and exhaustion on one hand and laziness and desire to escape on the other
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for oversleeping and slacking in certain responsibilities in moralizing myself as being ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ and thereby seeing the ‘correction’ equally as ‘getting my shit together’ and thereby preventing myself from looking deeper into what other causes could be involved in the pattern of oversleeping and slacking
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not specifically clarify, define and understand for myself what polarities are and how I participate in polarities where, once I’ve created one polarized experience, the opposite polar experience is bound to emerge due to the nature of how polarities function and operate
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not clearly or specifically see or understand the connection between my negative polarized relationship towards responsibilities and the positive experience of escaping from it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that I was done with working through stress and that I have therefore denied myself to look at other dimensions of stress that I hadn’t yet walked through
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a perpetual and subconscious state of stress towards my work and towards the fact that I am not yet as effective in my work as I would like to be as well as in regards to the balancing of responsibilities on a daily basis
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through judging myself for not being effective, instead of supporting myself in gentleness, patience and self-support to look at creative and practical solutions for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I was stressed because I kept saying to myself that I had already walked through it and I was satisfied with my writings, not realizing that yes, I had walked through some dimensions of stress – but not all
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself that I am to be better at my job than I am, when in fact I don’t have the prerequisite skills or the knowledge yet to do it the way I would like to do and therefore my expectation is unrealistic and based on an ideal that I’ve compared myself to, whereby I’ve found myself lacking – instead of slowly but surely walking the process of perfecting myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated pattern of moralizing and judging myself whenever I am not living up to my own expectations and projected standards, where I take my own shortcomings personally and automatically believe that there’s something wrong with me, that I am evil – instead of looking at the points of correction practically and accordingly structure myself into practical change
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to harm and abuse my physical body through accepting and allowing myself to exist in a perpetual state of stress and a subsequent denial that I am stressed, causing my body to function on a less than optimal capacity, thus causing the experience of perpetual tiredness and the polarity of resistance towards working because I’ve associated working with not being good enough and with the moral judgments I’ve cast on myself because of it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only stop up and ask myself what I’m doing once consequence is manifested on a physical level and/or is pointed out to me by others, thus implying that I am not here in awareness, self-support and self-honesty as a general and consistent self-directed application
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a polarized experience towards work and responsibilities where I see it as something I am forced to do, as something dreadful, as a chore and as something I’m doing for something/someone else, when in fact – being at work or taking care of responsibilities doesn’t change the fact that I am Here or how I am Here and as such I can decide who I am and how I am going to approach what I do. There is no set-in-stone rule that work or responsibilities MUST be dreadful or boring or stressful or full of moral judgments
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a positive polarity opposite when it comes to things that I’ve decided to do for myself, where I don’t experience any pressure or stress or moral judgments
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not look at creative ways I can change, correct and optimize myself in my work and in my responsibilities in the areas where I see that I am lacking/not yet where I want to be, and instead of it being a dreadful, inferorized point, can have fun with it and have fun with expanding and perfecting myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not approach the point of seeing parts of myself where I am not effective as opportunities to learn, grow and expand – and that I’ve instead seen them as these horrible ‘flaws’ that I must obliterate and get rid of and that I have therefore not stood by myself in self-support but have stood against myself in respectively deluding myself into a polarized self-image of either being ‘wrong’ or in complacently dulling myself into a belief that ‘it’s okay’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to oversleep within and as an experience of being tired, but without having questioned why I suddenly (within the last year) have started feeling much more tired than I have previously – and that I’ve instead merely focused on the point of oversleeping being ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ and that “I must correct it” – instead of looking systematically at what’s going on from a practical perspective
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify oversleeping by making the perpetual excuse that there isn’t going to be any immediate consequences if I oversleep and that it is therefore okay for me to oversleep this one time, when in fact there is never only ‘this one time’ and the consequences that manifest might be long-term and perpetual, but consequences none the less
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify slacking by soothing myself within the belief and justification that “I am generally effective, so it’s okay for me to slack a little bit here” – not realizing how I am within doing that manipulating and deceiving myself into compromising my self-integrity and so corrupting and sabotaging myself into the next moment of breath in standing as a ‘bad example’ for myself through what I will accept and allow and what not
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on slacking and oversleeping being ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ that I haven’t asked myself unconditionally why it is I’m accepting and allowing myself to slack and oversleep
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand by myself through all and everything that I face within myself and that I’ve instead polarized myself into the positions of either judging myself or deceiving myself into believing that I’m okay – when in fact I know that I’m not, I know when I’m doing something that isn’t best for all, but even within that I can be self-supportive, I can be self-honest, I can be gentle and patient with myself – and I can push and move myself to change
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own moral judgment onto others in my world where I have judged and blamed them for judging me and I have felt sorry for myself and have justified making mistakes because of it – instead of realizing that no judgment can ever effect me but my own
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself that I am supposed to be perfect and an example for others and that if I am not, then all is lost and then there is something fundamentally wrong with me, instead of realizing that I am walking a process of change and that I am coming from an inherently corrupted and misguided starting-point, that I am slowly but surely changing, point by point – and that even my expectation of perfection towards myself is a part of this misalignment, a belief, an idea, a delusion and a self-limitation that I’ve imposed upon myself – instead of walking my process here in real time in walking with what emerges from within me unconditionally and allow it and myself to unfold, whether it is a natural expression or an abusive pattern – to stand by myself in unconditional and self-honest self-support
When and as I see myself going into thoughts of stress about my work, where I compare myself to an ideal of how I believe I should be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is impossible for me to live up to an ideal in my mind. I realize that the only way for me to perfect myself is through walking a practical, space-time, learning process that cannot be rushed or preempted but that is going to take time and a process. As such, I commit myself to be patient with myself as I walk through this learning process. I commit myself to look at practical ways I can learn, develop, grow and optimize myself in my work. I commit myself to systematically work on improving myself in my work. I commit myself to let go of the idea and belief that I am not good enough because I should be better/perfect. I realize that there is still a lot I have to learn and that it is not wrong or bad to make mistakes or to fail. I realize that every time I make a mistake or fail at something I had set out to do, is an opportunity for me to learn and grow and expand. I also commit myself to stop being complacent about my mistakes where I, instead of going into panic and self-judgment about them, go to the opposite polarity of minimizing them and ignoring them – instead of actually moving myself to a point of change and self-correction.
When and as I see myself reacting within an experience of feeling dread, of judging, of feeling bored, of feeling forced and pressured to perform a task or carry out a responsibility, I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I react within a negative experience towards something I condition myself to that polarized negative experience and so create a positive equivalent to balance it out, thus placing myself in a time-loop of circling back and forth between polarities, where the positive polarity seems like an escape from the negative, when in fact it is a direct consequential outflow of it; one cannot exist without the word. I realize that I don’t have to have any experiences, neither positive nor negative towards the things I do or the responsibilities I take on. I realize that I can be here and do what is needed to be done in every moment in equality with a focused aim of perfecting myself and expanding myself to live and become my utmost and full potential. I realize that this is what it means to truly be satisfied and content; to know that I have done everything in my power to optimize and perfect myself, that I have gotten to know something in such depth and detail that I know how to effectively direct it and myself and others in and as it. I realize that I don’t have to be perfect and that it is unrealistic and delusional to expect myself to be perfect. I realize that I am walking a process from imperfection to perfection and that as I do that, the best possible way I can do that effectively, is by walking with and by myself no matter what, no matter the mistakes I make, no matter how many times I fail, no matter what I discover about myself – and so trust myself to walk through it with diligence and integrity, in being self-honest and serious about changing and correcting myself. I commit myself to stop judging myself for making mistakes, I commit myself to stop casting moral judgments on myself when I see that I am not living as effectively as I am able to.
When and as I see that I am deviating from naturally being effective within my day-to-day living, I stop and I breathe. I allow myself to stop up and have a look at where I’m at, what points that can possibly be misaligned – instead of automatically going into moral judgment towards myself. I also realize that simply because what I am doing or who I am is not ‘wrong’ from an energetically polarized moral perspective, it doesn’t then mean that what I do is then automatically ‘okay’ or even acceptable. So I commit myself to continue to work with this point of being brutally self-honest while also being patient and gentle with myself, instead of being simultaneously overbearing and making excuses for myself.
I realize that I have the potential to be and become more than who and what I am now and that this does not mean that who I am now is ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ – but simply that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a limited and diminished capacity of self-corruption and I dare myself to take on the challenge of seeing who and what I can become through unconditionally and absolutely dedicating myself to this process of growth and expansion. I realize that growth and expansion is not something that is automatically delivered to me on a silver platter, but that it is in fact a physical process of moment-by-moment creating myself into something different than who and what I am today. And I realize that I will never be able to get there or see who or what I can become, by continuing to judge and deny what is here. Because it is through seeing and transforming who and what I am here that I can create myself anew.
I realize that I do see my own potential. I realize that I do have the tools, the support, the stability and the ability to walk this process. I realize that I’ve been holding myself in a suspension field between inferiority and superiority in my mind, instead of standing equal and one with all of myself here, through a practical process of changing and directing myself in every moment. I realize that it will be a process and that what matters is my consistency in application here, to focus on the practical and systematic solutions rather than becoming blinded by the problems.
I commit myself to accept the fact I exist primarily in and as a mind-consciousness-system, as a simulated virtual reality mechanism that I have integrated so extensively into my body and being that it has become a part of who I am. I realize that I have programmed the mind to have as its only objective to secure its survival and that I cannot blame or judge the mind for this, because after all, I’m the one who, in fear and desire, and in separation from myself, programmed the mind this way. As such I realize and I accept the responsibility of deprogramming myself, to take responsibility for my creation of myself as the mind, as the body, as my being that I have yet to know myself as fully – and I commit myself to stand with myself through this process, through the denial, through the deception, through the manipulation, through the self-interest, through the confusion, through the conflict, through the drama, through the self-judgment, through the apathy – and into the unknown as the potential of who and what I can become. I commit myself to take responsibility for the creation of myself – the creation of myself up until here and the creation of myself from here on out.
I commit myself to not make these words empty or lofty – but to focus on the processes of practical correction that I can make here in the physical on a basic and fundamental level, as stopping the polarity of stress and slacking – so that I can be here with what has to get done and simply do it and get it done, point by point, breath by breath. I know that this process is not done with these words. I know that these words will not magically propel myself into change. But I have gained a deeper understanding of the patterns that were at play before I started this writing, in fact a completely different understanding through which I allow myself to stand with and by myself in self-honesty, and see myself for who and what I am.
Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course