In the last post I wrote about a couple of incidents that had happened with our male cat where he had gotten into a fight with a male farm cat and where I saw myself as culpable because I had acted based on what the cats wanted rather than what I saw was best for them.
The other night the same thing happened again and I must say that this was a clear slap in the face for me because it clearly indicated that I haven’t yet corrected the point in myself through which I allowed myself to compromise the well-being of the cats.
Our female cat has been increasingly wanting to go outside, something that is quite new and I was pleased in seeing her confidence rising and so encouraged her in going outside. Yesterday she wanted to be outside the entire day and when evening came I had taken her inside as per my agreement with myself and with my partner. We have decided not to let the cats out at night anymore because we know that the other male farm cat comes in the nighttime and that the risk of our cats being hurt is too big to let that happen.
Our girl was not satisfied with having to stay inside and she did as she usually does when she wants my attention (usually when she’s hungry) where she will stretch up against my body and stick her claws into the side of my body which is quite painful and something I’ve been trying to wean her off for a long time. I am quite aware that I am responsible for her having developed this pattern, because I usually respond by getting up and seeing what she wants so to her it is a no-brainer that scratching my body = getting what she wants.
The other night she kept doing it every few minutes while I was sitting and working on my computer being busy with some projects that required my full attention. I had already given her food so I knew that she wasn’t scratching for food and when I went to the kitchen she followed me and sat by the door waiting to be let out. I knew that I shouldn’t let her out because that is what we had agreed but at the same time I was annoyed with her constantly scratching me and I felt conflicted because I also wanted to encourage her newfound confidence in being outside. I asked my partner if we should let her out and looking back, I see how I was in that moment abdicating responsibility and authority to not do what I knew to be best. My partner initially said yes, and I let her out and when he changed his mind and said I shouldn’t do it, I was already letting her out and closing the door.
I went to bed and woke up hearing cats screaming like crazy. I quickly got up and went outside and saw our girl and the male farm cat in a heinous fight. I screamed at the top of my lungs and fortunately our girl is used to me screaming from when she’s fighting her brother so it didn’t scared her off. The male farm cat however quickly took off and I could gather her in the bushes and take her inside. It was clear she had been hurt but she wasn’t bleeding, her face wasn’t torn and no bones were exposed. I wouldn’t have been able to do much in the middle of the night anyway so I went to bed and she curled up under the bed and eventually joined us in the bed. Because she did this, I hoped that it perhaps wasn’t as bad as with the first fight between our male cat and the farm cat.
I couldn’t sleep most of the night. I laid there thinking about how it was my fault that she had gotten into that fight because I had let her out despite knowing the risks.
My partner woke me up in the morning and we could see that she wasn’t doing too well. Her entire body was swollen and she seemed almost in a drugged state, clearly in severe pain. It turned out the aggressive cat had ripped up her hind leg, so the vet had to stitch it up, put in drainage tubes and she’s now confined to wearing a ‘bonet’ (which she hates like the plague) and has to be ‘force fed’ antibiotics twice daily.
So there it is. The consequence.
I realize that it is completely unacceptable that I prioritize wants (whether my own or another’s) over what I know to be best. I realize that this is not something that I can simply glaze over or sweep under the rug, because from last time to this time I clearly haven’t learned my lesson and I do not want one of my cats to be the causality of my irresponsible behavior. I don’t want one of them having to die for me to finally get it and stand up and change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for being the reason why our cat is not in severe pain and has gotten hurt because I acted in self-interest and compromised doing what I know to be best
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for not having learned my lesson the first two times one of our cats got into trouble because I decided to let it out despite the agreement I’ve made with myself and with my partner and so because of that judge and blame myself as being the cause of the cat now being quite severely injured
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the fact that the cat got injured is 100 % and totally my fault when in fact my abdication of responsibility was only part of the circumstances that led to the cat being injured
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself for seeing what needs to be done in terms of me having to correct myself from acting in self-interest to acting as a responsible caretaker for the cats and then not doing it or taking the correction seriously and therefore being the cause of my cat being injured
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take seeing that I need to correct myself to not cause consequences in the lives of others and myself seriously and so because of that make the same mistake more than once and causing potentially life threatening and harmful consequences for myself and for others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and guilty when the cats wants to go outside in the evening and I have made a decision not to let them out, to then perceive them as unsatisfied and that I am doing them wrong by not doing what they want and within feeling bad accept and allow myself to manipulate myself into going back on my decision to do what I see is best for the cats
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a want, need and desire within myself to make the cats comfortable and satisfied and happy at all times and to within that, see myself as a successful and effective animal caretaker and so reversely if I see that they aren’t comfortable or satisfied feel guilty and blame myself and experience myself as a bad animal caretaker
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not make the cats happy and content at all times then I am doing something wrong and so within fearing to do something wrong, I am prepared to compromise what I see is best for the cats, to fill their immediate want and thereby feel satisfied with myself because they appear to be satisfied – instead of realizing that if/when I can make assessment into the future that another being can’t make, I have a responsibility to make decisions based on that assessment whether or not it satisfied an immediate need, because I understand that it is better in the long run – meaning: I am sure my cat would have preferred to stay inside in the evening rather than now having stiches in her body and being force-fed medicine and wearing a collar for a week – something that she couldn’t assess for herself the night she wanted to go out – but that I could
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as caretaker for an animal that cannot make future assessments in the same way that I can and realize that in the relationship we have, I am responsible for making decisions for my cats based on an assessment of what is best for them in ways that they cannot do for themselves
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to generate and fuel an intense emotional reaction of guilt and regret when I think about how my cat was completely innocent as she went outside and how I already knew the potential danger of her going outside, but let her go anyways
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously trigger and activate a ‘motherhood’ program within and as myself consisting of an extreme fear and petrification of the well-being of ‘my children’ where I on one hand think/believe/hope/expect that I can ‘protect’ them and ‘keep them safe’ and on the other hand know that this isn’t absolutely possible and so within resisting this fact, that I have no control over ‘my creation’ to try and control it and monitor it so that I don’t have to experience this level of petrification
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only feel comfortable and relatively relaxed when my cats are inside the room sleeping and I know exactly where they are at and that they’re satisfied and content – – and that I at all other times exist in a heightened state of being ‘alert’ to their ‘needs’ and ‘well-being’ and ‘safety’ in a state of perpetual stress and anxiety
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a positive self-experience and personality of seeing myself as the protector of my cats (= children = creation) and how I go into a state of ego within that of seeing myself as benevolent and ‘holy’ as a ‘mother’ in my self-prescribed role of being their ‘protector’ and how I within this feel valued and worthy and like my life matters and I matter and I am doing something important with myself and my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within and as the mother-personality-programming have accepted and allowed myself to see and experience myself as important/valued/worthy only in my capacity of protecting my = children = creation and to therefore exist within and as an existential fear that if I cannot protect them (which also means controlling them based on my ideas and beliefs) then I have no value/worth/importance or reason to exist
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within and as the mother-personality-programming that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to by accepting and identifying with it as ‘who I am’ define myself only according to who and what I am for others, and especially those who are innocent as animals and children
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up in this mother-personality-programming that I become obsessed with making my ‘children’ happy and content and satisfied and so within that am willing to compromise what is best for them and what is best for me to satisfy my own desire to feel good about myself and feel like I matter
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see or understand how – my relationship with my cats are directly reflecting my own relationship with myself and how and who I am as a caretaker of myself and as such that this habit of prioritizing preferences and wants over what is best, is not a benevolent and innocent misplaced ‘good intention’ – no it is straight up self-interest, where I am used to choosing based on feelings and emotions myself and therefore do the same with them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously see and experience myself within and as a state of ego as a sort of ‘god’ over the cats, but where it is in reverse because I feel ashamed of what I have created and am trying to make it better, but do not realize that I am not doing that by being ‘nice’ to the cats – but by taking responsibility for creating a world that is best for all
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I did not create the cats anymore than they created themselves and they created me equally and as such, the only difference between me and them is that I happen to be human which gives me more responsibility in certain ways because of the inequality that is manifested between life forms on earth – which does not make us any less equal and it doesn’t mean that I can ‘fix’ the inequality by being nice to the cats and doing nice things for them, no – the entire foundation and starting-point of this world has to change
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed for being a human and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place animals in my mind on a positive pedestal of seeing them as so innocent and so pure and to therefore within that actually go into a form of superiority towards them coupled with an inferiority at the same time because I feel ashamed about what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, where I then believe I can make it better by being nice to them – – – rather than doing whatever is possible to create a world that is best for all
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an idea/belief about being free and being ‘myself’ in and through prioritizing preferences/desires/wants over needs/musts and common sense – in my own life and within that I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, consider or even care about the potential consequences of me only living for my wants and preferences – because I believe that this is ‘best’ and as such that I equate ‘best’ with a positive energetic experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have to practically reprogram myself through consistent application to understand and live the realization that ‘best ‘ is a physical manifestation of the most optimal outcome in a situation and that it is entirely iregardless of how I may feel about it because how I feel about is a preprogrammed mind pattern that is in its core NOT programmed to create an outcome that is best for all and therefore not is valid
When and as one of the cats wants to do something and I see that it is not what is best based on a practical and commonsensical assessment of potential consequences and I see that I access anxiety within me where I start feeling that I am doing them wrong and being a ‘bad’ cat caretaker – I stop and I breathe. I ground myself here and I remind myself that ‘best’ and ‘feel good’ is not the same things – – and that whether the cats are pleased with me or not does not define me as a caretaker, as being the best caretaker I can be – means to do what is best without compromise in all situations.
I realize that I’ve been associating the cats being content (or what I perceive as ‘content’, ‘satisfied’, ‘happy’) with me being worthy, ‘good’, ‘successful’ in my role as a cat caretaker and that I have defined myself accordingly in that it made me feel less guilty/shameful for the relationship of inequality that exists between us, which I realize now is actually a form of ‘bribe’ where I ‘make them feel good’ so that I can feel good about myself to make up for all the horrible things that we as humanity have done to life/nature/the animals – – – not realizing that within the principle of equality we’re all equal in creating what is here, but I am more responsible because I have more ability to respond to the situation. I realize that I have felt good about feeling bad and then trying to make it up by being nice and ‘attentive’ to the animals, not unlike an abuse parent or partner that buys gifts after having been violent and who cries in remorse only to repeat the same pattern over and over again – which is actually a form of manipulation and justification.
I realize that I have absolutely no control over the cats safety and that there is a limit to how much I can protect them and keep them from harm and that me trying to do that is an indication of me not entirely facing what is here as the abuse carried out by humanity upon earth/the animals and so I think I can avoid harm and thereby avoid facing my responsibility instead of realizing that I do have the power to prevent unnecessary consequences from unfolding – but that this requires me to be self-honest and take responsibility for myself and correct myself and become specific in my actions and expand my ability to assess myself and the world around me in more clarity.
I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to compromise the cats’ well being to do what I think they’d prefer and thereby not feel bad and thereby feel like I am a good caretaker. I commit myself to do what is best for the cats – even when they don’t like it – as I would equally want someone to do for me.
I commit myself to stop seeing and experiencing myself as the cats almighty caretaker and within that experience myself as exempt from the guilt and shame of the abuse we as humanity has perpetrated towards life
I commit myself to stop polarizing myself and the animals in a comparison where I see them as these holy creatures that are at the same time more than me and less than me in how I see them as ‘pure’ but also ‘innocent’ in a ‘weak’ kind of way and where I can then position myself as a ‘savior’ but at the same time
I commit myself to honor life by acting within the principle of what is best and to reprogram myself practically through consistently applying this principle whenever I am experiencing a ‘want’ interfere with what I know is best.
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