Now, before going into the details about how exactly I have lived and existed as a sex slave, I must make a warning: This is not the juicy story one might have expected when reading the headline “sex slave.” Nor is its detailed account shocking in the manor that one might be used to stories about sex-slaves being shocking and even frightening – no, this is beyond any tabloid story and it may shock you as it have shocked me, down into the very foundation of my being or what I thought was “who I am”.
When I started participating with Desteni and started investigating how sex existed in the world, I started seeing how the entire world-system literally existed as giant incubator system. From how kids go clubbing and are supported by the system to get drunk and hook up, to how marriage and family-systems are appraised as the institutions that hold society together; how most advertisements almost solely focuses on sex, love and relationships. I started seeing the world with its shops and clubs and TV-shows as strategically orchestrated platforms that would ensure that people would have sex and children to keep the system going, year after year, generation after generation.
Through Desteni, I learned how sex has been designed and created as the ‘engine room’ from which the mind-consciousness-system upgrade and re-vitalize itself through accumulating, generating and dispersing energy. For example the feeling right before penetration where one experiences oneself as becoming silent, almost as if one is about to either commit a deadly sin or start praying to god or both at once; is in fact where the systems start preparing themselves to through the body, upgrade and “revitalize” the mind-systems. All the good feelings coming along with sex are simply like the sweet taste of cough syrup: to make it go down faster and sufficient.
Even how we “pick” or “choose” our sex partners is preprogrammed and orchestrated to the slightest detail as well as when, how, where and what we experience during sex. If the upload is unsuccessful, the mind tries to re-upload. These unsuccessful uploads is what causes mental illnesses such as multiple personality disorder, where the mind did not effectively through sex, make sure that it got all its “threads and wires” placed in the correct places within and as us as human beings. Porn and the easy access to sex exist for the same reasons.
I am now walking an agreement with a Destonian and it has been through this close relationship with another Destonian that I have come to discover how disconnected I have been from myself, the physical and my partner within and as sex. I have realized that I have to walk a process of deprogramming myself from; of and as all the beliefs, fantasies and perceptions I have had and held about sex and sexual pleasure. I don’t even know who I am when it comes to sex, because all I have existed as, has been these preprogrammed urges and ideas that I have simply given myself permission to abdicate myself to, within and as; where I have literally been sitting in the back seat allowing the mind to drive myself as well as the body. In the beginning when having sex in agreement I found it very uncomfortable to direct myself. I would prefer that the man simply take over and run the show and all I have to do is to lay back and moan until he comes. It sounds absurd but this is the sex that I have gotten used to and comfortable with, from the perspective of comfort being that which we are used to.
When I had to direct myself, I had no idea what to do or who to be. I felt like I was standing in front of a blank slate or a dark space of emptiness that I had absolutely no blueprint for. I was too afraid to move myself without being directed by the man or by my own ideas about sex that I had accumulated through porn. I am now walking the process of re-discovering myself within and as sex and one of the most important aspects have been to allow myself to be vulnerable and gentle. It is a process wherein I have to be patient with myself and with my partner and push myself through any resistances that might come up in simply directing myself here in and as the physical. Much backchat is still coming up and I must constantly focus on bringing myself back here.
But I have discovered that when sex is physical, when it is intimate and when both participants are “Here”, sex opens up and expands. What I had thought to be liberating, was in fact enslaving and I am for the first time discovering who I am as a physical being and body, how my body moves and enjoys to be touched, how I enjoy to touch another and how they enjoy being touched. I have discovered that there are so many more positions that I have practiced in all my years of having sex after the porn-book-manual and they are so much more enjoyable than these five regular positions. I have discovered that I can be here and look my partner in the eyes and allow myself to be vulnerable while having sex. I have discovered that it is okay – and in fact important that I say stop if it is painful. I have discovered that sex does not have to be penetration that it is okay to cuddle and touch and be touched. And I am re-discovering my own human physical body, touching myself, caressing myself, living in a way that is not abusive where I am in fact grateful for being here and where I start honoring the life that is myself and everyone and everything else.
My life with porn has had consequences I could not have imagined when found that first porn many years ago. I became isolated, ashamed and addicted to living through generating energy through masturbation. I believed I was liberating myself, when in fact I was enslaving myself to a one-dimensional reality where I existed as split personalities in a secret mind within myself, totally disconnected from life and from my own body. I have lived a life of self-abuse and I have enjoyed it. But the enjoyment was based on ideas about who I was, could and should be. It was based on impulsed images through porn specifically but certainly also from the mainstream media that in subtle ways engulf our entire lives and impulses the ‘correct’ ways of thinking, feeling and acting that serves nothing but the system itself. And what does the system consist of and exist as? Us – as human beings. We are the foundation for the systems in this world and we are what are holding it in place, by accepting that this is just the way it is. “Men have urges, they just can’t help it” or “there is someone out there for everyone” are examples of statements spoken by human beings to themselves and each other; statements that solidify and justify why, how and as who we keep accepting that world the way it is.
At Desteni we are here to say: till here – no further!
We realize that only by taking self-responsibility for the world as it is exists and for ourselves in and as it, both as the product of the world and as the creators of it, can we change what is here. To take that self-responsibility we must understand exactly how it is we have created ourselves and how we have abdicated all self-respect, dignity and responsibility to system – within as without – which only purpose is to keep itself running. We cannot change that, which we don’t understand, but once we understand it as ourselves; we can change it – as ourselves.
Listen to the full interview mentioned in this video for FREE here: Understanding the Secrets of Sex
”What is SEX?” The series, is available here: