In this blog-post I will write self-forgiveness statements on the following backchat dimensions:
Negative Backchat – supporting the character: “Oh my god, this is so boring” “This is going to be so boring” “This is tedious” “I’m bored” “I have to get out of this” “man I can’t handle it” “I feel trapped” “I wish I was doing this instead” “why do I have to do this” “This is so hard!” Negative Backchat – in conflict with the character: “Fuck I did it again” “I’m so undisciplined” “get a grip, pull yourself together” “I’m so stupid” “I’m a bad person” “I’m evil” “I’m selfish” Positive Backchat – in conflict with the character “I have to control myself better” “I have to discipline myself” “I’m not going to do that anymore” “enough!”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate and justify my want/need/desire to not commence with my tasks or responsibilities in any given moment through cultivating and participating in backchat where I entice myself into giving in to my desire by saying to myself in my head that the task is boring, that I’ll do it later, that I’m gonna get out of it, that I wish I was doing something else, that it’s hard and tedious – all so that I don’t have to commence with my responsibility and so that I can deceive myself and lie to myself in my mind about what I’m accepting and allowing.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within an as an internal conflict with my want/need/desire to not do the things that I’m supposed to do where I exist within and as a time-loop of polarity constantly swinging between positive and negative reactions – without seeing that this is what I’m doing and instead vehemently believing in both positive and negative polarities as ‘stand-alone’ realities
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as though I am two completely different people, one that feels good about defying authority and responsibility and one that feels mortified and ashamed when I do, as though my left hand and my right hand are in a tug of war although they both belong to the same body
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my own behavior where I disregard my responsibilities within and as an experience of self-hate, self-loathing, shame and self-judgment – not realizing how these experiences are direct polarities of the positive energetic experiences I’ve created within myself towards defying authority
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately defy responsibilities and authorities only to afterwards regret it and act as though it wasn’t me who did it or as though it was someone else who did it and certainly not me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cultivate and participate in self-judging backchat directed towards myself in my mind where I deliberately belittle and defame myself saying: “Fuck I did it again” “I’m so undisciplined” “get a grip, pull yourself together” “I’m so stupid” “I’m a bad person” “I’m evil” “I’m selfish”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use self-judgment as a way to feel better about myself and so as to justify my abdication of self-responsibility for not taking care of the tasks I have, because then I can blame it on me being a bad person, being evil, being stupid, being fucked up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – after I’ve gone through the negative spiraling down of bringing myself into a state of depression and apathy and once I’ve gotten sick of that I would go to a positive polarity experience of ‘picking myself up’ where I would be like: “yeah, now I’m back on track.” Feeling relieved and in control – only to revert back.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go from a negative polarity towards my responsibilities as being ‘enslaving’, ‘trapping’, ‘boring’ and ‘tedious’ to a positive polarity towards ‘escaping’ this ‘prison’ I’ve imagined in my mind and feeling excited about doing what I want to another negative polarity of feeling ashamed and judging myself and loathing myself in self-hate to a positive polarity of trying to pick myself up and control myself – only to start the entire time-loop over again without seeing or admitting to myself what I’m doing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, not at any point within this time-loop cycle, consider that it is just that – a time-loop of polarity and that none of these experiences are real in fact – but experiences that I’ve created within and through participation in the mind
So this is what I’ve now come to realize: that all of this is a time-loop that starts with me looking at my responsibilities or tasks at hand and see them through a negative filter/reaction and that triggers the infinity spiral of positive and negative polarities, which I see now continues until I stop. So what I also see here is that I can stop the cycle before I trigger it, which means to stop the moment I see myself going into thoughts of not doing my responsibilities. Simple.
When and as I see that I am reacting towards my responsibilities within and through participating in thoughts and backchat about wanting to get out of my responsibilities, I directively stop participating in the thoughts. Because I have now realized that when I accept and allow these thoughts and backchat to exist within and as me, I am starting a time-loop/polarity cycle that can last from hours to days and weeks and even years and months where I literally waste myself and waste my time here on Earth moving from one polarity to the next. I also realize that one never stays in one or the other polarity – the negative cannot exist without moving to the positive and the positive cannot exist without moving to the negative and that is why and how it becomes a time-loop because one is literally looping from one polarity to the next non-stop. And it takes a physical action of intervention to stop the cycle. Because I see now how utterly useless this is. I also see how I’ve in each of the polarized states of mind believed that ‘this is real”. So in each of these states I believe that ‘THIS’ is reality, not realizing how each is a state of mind derived from my participation in energy.
So – I commit myself to stop this polarity cycle by specifically stopping at the first trigger point where I react to my responsibilities within a negative polarity experience.
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