One Event – Several Reactions – Multiple Dimensions: DAY 252

Tags

being reactive, Blaming, Defence mechanisms, Desteni I Process, Dimension (mathematics and physics), free the mind, let go of the past, Mind, resenting others, resisting others, Snake Eyes

Do you remember the movie Snake Eyes with Nicholas Cage? One of the reasons why I liked that movie because it opened up the perspective of multi-dimensionality in terms of how a single event can be seen from various different perspectives and accordingly change form or context. And that’s basically what this post is about – and much more.

Here I’ll be sharing a personal process of self-forgiveness and realization. The post was written over a continuum of several days where I walked through the dimensions of an event that occurred in my reality. I’m sharing it here as a point of support for others who may have faced or are facing similar experiences. Basically I found at the end of my writings that there are several interconnected points emerging here, so the writing is also an example of how events and situations aren’t simply black-and-white or one-dimensional and thus also how important it is to slow down so that we can actually see and direct what is going on, both within ourselves and in our reality.

The other day I experienced an intense mind-possession and within it also a great opportunity to change. Basically what happened was that I was sitting in a car with three other people and they were speaking to assist me to see a specific point within myself. I experienced a lot of resistance towards embracing the point – although I finally did, yet not openly or directly in front of the other people but more in silence within myself. The mind-possession was triggered through me reacting and then experiencing that the other people were highlighting and giving emphasis to my reaction. Within this I experienced that I reacted even more and I went into a point of blame and self-victimization where I blamed the other people for making me react even more by emphasizing my reaction. As the day continued I ‘dealt with the point’ through convincing myself that I was letting the point go, but really I was suppressing myself – – which is something that I’ve been rather ‘successful’ that in how I can suppress my reaction and after a little while feel ‘fine’ as though it’s all gone and thus believe that I no longer have a problem, quite convenient – but the problem is that within doing this we actually absorb the energy we’ve generated through the reaction into our physical bodies which means that the body now becomes contaminated and this can lead to both physical consequences but also mental consequences in how the point obviously doesn’t ‘go away’ and as such we’re simply accumulating the point even further. This day however I was not able to fully suppress the reaction and instead it lingered and was re-triggered several times during the day. The reaction was specifically projected towards a woman in my reality. When the day was finally over, I spoke to my partner about the point and he assisted me to see how I was still possessed and how my entire body and movement of myself had changed since this first event. It was then I realized that this specific reaction is something that I’ve experienced before. It was literally like walking into the past and re-living a past moment in the present. The scenario was new, the people were new – but what played out inside and through my mind, was exactly the same. This is in itself fascinating, because it also shows how the reactions we experience in and through the mind have absolutely nothing to do with the context that we’re in and all to do with who we are in the moment. As such the people and the environment merely ‘serves’ as trigger points where the mind uses associations, which can be anything from words to smells, to people or even the way the light falls on the wall of a room in a certain pattern. As such, in this moment I triggered this reaction as a defense mechanism because I was faced with a moment where I had an opportunity to change myself through transcending/letting go of a particular preprogrammed life-design that I’ve fully integrated and accepted as real through the support of another showing me what I was doing and what opportunity I had to step out of my preprogramming. To briefly explain preprogramming in this context, it’s basically that I’ve accepted myself in a certain ‘role’ or ‘position’ in life in terms of what career I see myself having and here I was faced with the opportunity to step out of this limited way of seeing/accepting myself and into a career/life-path that I would have never have considered possible for myself. So what I found when I talked to my partner about it – and finally allowed myself to reflect on the whole point – was that, in that moment where I had the opportunity to change, the mind perceived the situation as a ‘danger’ (because the mind exists on the premise of preprogramming being a constant platform for ‘who’ we are) and in a ‘split second’ it calibrated the various defense mechanisms it could activate to get out of this situation and ‘avert the danger’. So what the mind does in these situations is that it scans through one’s memories as a database one holds within oneself and it looks for anything similar to the current situation to sort of ‘locate’ itself as a ‘who’ I am within these memories. Here for instance, the point of association was the fact that it was a female speaking to me, so here I triggered memories of another female speaking to me in a way where I felt attacked, stigmatized and defamed. Basically the exact situation is one where I’m reacting and then the other person emphasizes the fact that I’m reacting, which – in my perception – causes me to react even further, after which I then blame the other person and feel unjustly treated because “It wasn’t my fault that I reacted even more, if they could’ve just let the point go and left me alone.” So – what I saw in retrospectively was that I had triggered this reaction deliberately in the mind to avert the imminent ‘danger’ of facing the opportunity to change. Gratefully I did in fact embrace the opportunity to change, yet I did it in silence within myself where I could have instead breathed and humbled myself when the person was speaking to me and unconditionally accepted the support, after which the point could have been a simply point of embracing change smoothly and with ease.

Something else that came up as I discussed the points with my partner even further was that I had been looking at the point in ‘black and white’ in the sense that I had now gone to the polarity of seeing the other person as being ‘absolutely’ or ‘ultimately right’ – when in fact the situation was not black and white. What I found was that I had accepted the other person as an authority within how I responded to their words in seeing them as an ‘expert’ and I simply without question – after the point of resistance – accepted their words as final without looking at the points for myself. So – what I’ve learned from all of this is how multi-dimensional such situations are when one is communicating with another. There isn’t a point of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Even in one situation with several people each one can experience their own reactions and some parts of what’s being said might be true, while others are the individuals own reactions. As such I’ve realized that I shouldn’t make rash conclusions about such moments, because there can be a lot of points occuring at the same time, especially when it comes to how we as people are governed by the mind.

So what I am going to do here within and through self-forgiveness is that I’m going to take responsibility for myself within this situation, I’m going to release the reaction and investigate the origin point within myself so that I can prevent this type of mind-possession from being activated within me, through my abdication of myself to the mind.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now, after this entire mind-possession that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become ‘who I am’ in a moment, feel ashamed and embarrassed and feel like I’ve done something bad and wrong that I must repent – instead of realizing that this entire experience has actually been a process of learning that I am grateful for because I’ve here had the opportunity to see a pattern that I’ve lived with for many years and accepted as a part of me play out in specificity to then go back here, reflect and then correct the point – which I obviously wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do had I not allowed myself to become mind-possessed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to regret becoming mind-possessed as something that I wished I hadn’t done in how I now see how I could have simply breathed through the resistance coming up within the mind, understanding the pattern/reaction as it was activating and simply moving through it in common sense stability and self-honesty – instead of simply moving myself directly to the point of correction in directively replaying what happened when I allowed myself to become mind-possessed and thus not again create a reaction that I then have to sort out within me and that then generate even more mental energy – and thus replay what happened in common sense self-honesty and self-responsibility where I look at how I can now implement a preventive correction for/as/within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist the words of another because I within and through these words were faced with an opportunity to stand up and change myself and walk out of a pre-programmed life-design and in that moment I allowed myself to let the mind interpret the situation from within and as its starting-point of self-perseverance instead of pushing myself to listen unconditionally and accordingly make a practical and self-honest assessment for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to activate and trigger an emotional reaction within myself through literally scanning the moment for similar moments in my memory where I reacted so that I can latch onto that within my mind, become possessed with energy and thus focus on something else than what is actually happening within the moment – which was actually an opportunity to stand up and change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of an experience of my mother specifically focusing on me reacting in a moment where I experienced it as though she was emphasizing the reaction and within that blamed her as being responsible for my reaction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the memory of the experience that I had towards my mother as a way to posses myself through the mind with emotional and conflicted energy so as to distract my attention from the opportunity to change within a moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother as being responsible for me reacting when she points out that I’m reacting or when she for example says: “you’ve always been so sensitive” where in I compound the reaction within myself – instead of realizing that I am solely responsible for the reactions that I accept and allow myself to trigger within and as my mind and that I could have simply remained stable in that moment and not accepted the predicate that I perceived my mother was placing upon me, instead of accepting the definition of myself as being ‘sensitive’ and then blaming my mother for creating that definition of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another – exactly as I blamed my mother – for what I perceived as them triggering a reaction within me through emphasizing the fact that I’m reacting and through placing a definition upon me – when in fact I’m the only one that can trigger reactions within myself and I’m the only one that can accept and allow definitions – whether they come from myself or someone else – to define me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and define the whole situation from within a starting-point of inferiority where I, after I allowed myself to become possessed within and as a reaction, went into an experience of guilt and shame and mental ‘humility’ where I thought that now everything the other person had said must to be right and that I was now doing good by ‘being humble’ and accepting everything they said as valid and true

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as another is speaking and I within their words see an opportunity for me to stand up and change and I see that I’m going into an experience of resistance projected towards the other person – I stop myself and I breathe and I push myself to allow myself to listen and hear what is being said. I realize that resistance in this context is an automated response triggered by/within the mind pr. My directive and permission within how I’ve accepted myself as the mind and that this resistance is triggered so that I don’t stand up and change. Therefore I also realize how important it is to exactly in such moments push through the resistance and actually listen to what’s being said, because I within this have an opportunity to change. I therefore commit myself to listen and hear what is being said when I see an opportunity for me to change through the words of another

When and as another is speaking about me reacting and I see that I’m triggering a compounding of the reaction because I feel called out and exposed within my reaction, I stop and I breathe and I focus on stabilizing myself here. I realize that another cannot make me react or create a definition within and as myself of how I am or who I am. Only I can do that for myself. And therefore by blaming another as though they’re responsible for creating reactions within me, I’m in fact abdicating responsibility for myself and thus disempowering myself to the mind and the reaction. So therefore I commit myself to take responsibility for the reactions that I accept within and as me and I commit myself to stop blaming others for creating or compounding reactions within me.

When and as I see that I am without question accepting everything another is saying as ‘true’ and ‘valid’ – for instance because I perceive them as superior to me in defining them as in a position of expertise or authority, I stop myself and I allow myself to asses what is being said in common sense self-honesty and to bring what is being said back to myself and possibly cross-reference the point with others or do further research when and as needed – and so prevent myself from making any rash and rushed decisions simply based on me accepting another’s words as superior. I realize that I’ve accepted myself as inferior to people I perceive and define as ‘experts’ or ‘authorities’ within a certain field and that I have thus believed that I can and should trust everything they’re saying and accordingly make a decision, when the fact of the matter is that the validity of information does not simply has to do with a person’s expertise or experience within a certain field as there can be multiple dimensions to consider when it comes to making a decision. And I realize that at the end of the day I still have to make a decision based on a self-honest assessment that I have to make within standing as the directive principle and authority of myself and my life and therefore I cannot blindly place my trust in others or accept a position of superiority/inferiority. I commit myself to humble myself and allow myself to listen to another, especially if they are experienced and experts in a certain field – but to also within that not go into a position within myself of inferiority where I perceive them as superior because of their expertise and experience and where I asses what is being said for myself in self-honesty and common sense as the final point of making a decision within and as myself.

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• The Inner Tug of War of Positive and Negative Experiences: DAY 250
• “Just Wanting To Explode” – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 516
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Bernard Poolman – Living The Word Alive: DAY 231

Tags

bernardpoolman, Desteni, Desteni Farm, Dog, Experience, Human, Meaning of life, Mind, Oneness and Equality, Sunette Spies, The Living Word, Youtube

When people die, we write R.I.P on their gravestones. But the World will not Rest in Peace and nor will we until we have Gathered the Pieces of ourselves and brought all of ourselves back together again as Life. This is what I learned from Bernard.

The first time I heard Bernard speak in the end of 2008, it was through a video on You Tube. I heard this distinct voice with a clear accent that I could not place and immediately I experienced a reaction within myself, almost like my insides was shaking. One of the first things I noticed was how Bernard would speak all around a point in a way I had never heard before – embracing all aspects of a point and do so while swearing! It was one of the most liberating experiences I had ever experienced. Here was a man who spoke the truth of what was going on in the world, straight up, no bullshit, no romantic words of pep talk, but instead self-honest in-your-face support. I felt like I had landed for the first time in my entire life in a spot where everything finally made sense. But not in a pretty way – in a pretty fucked up way. There was no distance anymore with an idea of a world outside of this one or a meaning to life besides what is already here in and as this messed up reality. What is here is what is here – and now there was someone able to explain every single question I had ever had. It was scary and amazing and saddening all at once. I started feeling a deep love and appreciation for Bernard while a part of me wanted to shut his voice out and turn of the video. I literally felt sick from facing myself for the first time through meeting myself in Bernard’s words. I could not hide from this man. This man refused to hide. I had never met or seen or heard of anyone ever being like Bernard was and it was as if my entire life was reset and I had to start over from scratch. Now – this is not because Bernard was doing something to me – it was clearly myself I faced in Bernard’s words – words that resonated to the very core of my being –, which I knew without any doubt or lingering that was true. The best way to explain my experience was that until then I had felt like I was very small in a big world and after finding Desteni and Bernard, I experienced the world as being very small and suddenly it was my inner world that seemed so infinitely big. This I learned, is the virtual world we’ve created through and within our minds – it isn’t real. So I learned about the Mind and how we have created ourselves in separation from and abdication of ourselves through, within and as the mind.

I lived together with Bernard on the Desteni farm for nearly a year. I have visited the farm three times. When I initially came to the farm I was extensively afraid of meeting Bernard. At that stage I was still coming from a spiritual perspective and believed in the renouncement of material belongings, so when I came to the farm and saw all the food, the dogs, the liters of coffee being drunk every day, the mess and all the people, I was absolutely astounded. There were literally dogs everywhere and in the middle of it all was Bernard, a completely ordinary and extraordinary man, talking, watching movies, playing virtual slot machines and pushing everyone’s buttons to the max.

Whenever Bernard came into the room, I would feel so nervous because I knew that he would see through my bullshit, that he could see all sides of me, even the ones I was hiding from myself. Sometimes Bernard would push my buttons to provoke a reaction and only later would I realize what had happened – and gratefully laugh at my own sillyness and Bernard’s ability to call bullshit on me. Sometimes he would not speak at all. Other times he would simply be, hang out, stand by the grill or do the laundry. Yes – that is right, Bernard did the laundry! He did everyone’s dirty laundry, clean and fresh and folded for your pleasure.

At some point I realized that Bernard would be whatever I required to be reflected – so if I hated myself, he would reflect that back to me. I started seeing Bernard as a black hole that can contain anything and everything at once and that will become whatever you are so that you can face yourself. And I understood that only when I would stand equal to Bernard – as him, with him, would I see the real Bernard. The Bernard that is also simply a man – a man who has walked a process. A process that he pushed himself to walk, that he walked all alone and that he now shares with all of us, as we share our processes with each other as well. What is so fascinating is within how we say at Desteni that everything is in reverse – because Bernard is properly one of the most prominent examples of that. Bernard was loud, scary, and rude or whatever you’d perceive him to be – and at the same time, he was the manifestation of love in the flesh. Real love – not mushy love. As such Bernard once said that; “love per se -is the act of life assisting the delusion to give up its illusion–that is in its very nature brutal — and not some fuzzy word that give some a place of superiority purely due to the genetic predisposition to have a higher intelligence” And that is exactly what I saw in Bernard as well – that is the living word of Bernard.

When Bernard would support me and share with me points about myself, I learned to Breathe and not resist the words and to simply be still inside myself and let the words resonate through my body. Ironically I have never been so calm or so stable in my entire life as when Bernard was giving me the brutal truth about myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as. Because Bernard’s words is absolute – they are embracing, direct and they come from a starting-point of equality and self-forgiveness, to not accept anything less from each of us than that that which is best for all life. Bernard is properly the only human being I have ever trusted fully and at the same time, Bernard would do, say and be whatever it took to wake you up from your state of inner self-delusion and deception. Bernard was always supporting me to realize myself, even if it meant supporting me in lying to myself or confirming me in my self-judgment.

For this is I am grateful, because within this Bernard has assisted me immensely in realizing what I was doing to myself, what I was accepting and allowing, without enforcing realizations upon me that I would then be indebted to Bernard through forever.  There are many beings, including myself who’s had the tendency to follow Bernard as though he was a guru, a god or a father figure and I am sure that Bernard carefully made sure that any illusions of grandeur about him is removed so that the person can concentrate on themselves and not on worshiping Bernard.

Living with Bernard was interesting, but at the same time not as thrilling as one might think. From an entirely different perspective, it was the most thrilling experience of my life. Living with a being and watching a Being exist, who has no limits, no morals, no conscience, no fear, no feelings and no mind, makes for some pretty interesting experiences. For example: Bernard slept when he was tired and this means that there was no schedule or specific rhythm, because that is (obviously) something we’ve created within the constructs of this world according to the mind. So Bernard was up at all times of the day and night and in the beginning I did not even think that Bernard even slept at all. He always had at least 10 dogs around him. It is not something he told them to do. He wasn’t petting them like most people pet their animals.  Sometimes he would provide support if the animal was having an experience of its own or is indicating a point as a side effect to the general process. Bernard would touch them though and they would all sleep on top of him When he went to the toilet they would wait outside. One time Bernard asked me why I think they follow him and he shared with me that it is because he was a point of stability for them. He was the physical manifested as solid, firm unconditional support. And that is what he has been to many of us.

A point I noticed about Bernard was that he would wait with eating until everyone else had eaten. He would make sure that everyone was okay. If an animal required medical care, he would immediately ensure it, even if it meant driving far away late at night. If someone, animal or human had expressed a specific desire for some food or beverage, Bernard would buy it for them. When there were children on the farm, Bernard did not treat them special or as inferior. He would look at their expression and their situation exactly as he would with any other being and see how he could assist.  If someone, animal or human was acting in a way that is unacceptable, Bernard would make sure that the point was directed to self-correction. He would walk with the dogs in the morning sunlight and simply embrace the world in support and care and the humbleness that Bernard lived, is something I am not even able to describe within the capacity of my current vocabulary. Bernard stands one and equal with all life.

If I would complain about the load of work I had to do, Bernard would give me more work. Or if I placed special value in something or defined myself as more because of it, Bernard would point it out and tease me about it – this he did, not because he was evil – but because he understood that a practical, physical and tangible re-education is required, for each of us to stop living within and as self-interest in the delusion of the mind – of desires and fears and to start living here in common sense self-honesty.  So when I got more work, I started realizing that I had created the idea of it being “too much” as a point of delusion. I realized that I had defined myself according to it or held onto it out of fear of losing it. I don’t know anyone else in the world, who’s able to support Beings like that – so brutal – so direct  – so absolutely spot-on, every time.

One time when I was doing laundry, I dropped a piece of clothes out from the washing machine while I was emptying it. Bernard came by and he firmly informed me that what I was doing was spiteful against life, that I could not even have the care to make sure that this piece of clothes did not touch the floor. It was a shock to hear that such a small point – is how I saw it at the time – could indicate such a point of abuse and inequality. But I slowly but surely started realizing how I was in fact living as spitefulness, as disregard, in most of my actions.

Of all the things I learned from Bernard and while being on the farm, this was probably one of the most important. I learned that you cannot say you stand for something, if you do not live it in every moment of every breath to the fullest. Bernard would literally educate me, through assisting me to expand my understanding and awareness of my reality and through the example of those living together on the farm, who had already walked process for some time. It has actually only been recently that I have started realizing the difference this has made in my life and in how and as who I live. There are so many seemingly small points of practical physical living in and through which I have learned to be specific, diligent, caring and considering and I can see now, where I am living in an agreement, how important those points are. To understand that what you are doing when you let the water run for no apparent reason other than it being convenient or because you never considered doing it differently, is spiteful. To understand that living what is best for all is something that we can and must apply in every moment of living here, looking practically in common sense at our reality and applying ourselves according to what is – in fact – best for all life.

Through Bernard’s example, I have learned to care for and take care of animals. I have come to appreciate animals from an entirely different perspective. I have learned to appreciate self-discipline and structure. I have learned to get up in the morning immediately upon my first Breath. I have learned to support others as I have been supported. These things might sound small and insignificant, but when all these – and more – points are gathered, as all the breaths of a day – or a life time- it is clear that what we are doing is starting to create a world that is best for all. A world where each of us stand self-responsible, self-trusting and self-directed in equality.

My life has been forever changed because of Bernard Poolman. Because he dared to walk his process for himself, alone through fear, through losing everything, his family, his money, his sanity, until only he was left, self-forgiving and self-embracing in equality with and as all life  – He did it without any instructions or manual, because when he walked his process, there was no group walking-with, which is what we have created for ourselves now, as Desteni, the I process and the constant stream of material, information and support we supply 24/7 online.

Many beings will be sad because Bernard has died – but his death is not about keeping a legacy alive, hell no – we’re not going to ‘honor his memory’. He would have said: “fuck that.” lol – Honoring Bernard is honoring ourselves as life – Honoring Bernard is sharing the Living Word as it has been shared with us and to stand in every moment of Breath here walking the process of establishing a world that is best for all. I will miss Bernard tremendously and I am eternally grateful to have met him. But even for those who haven’t met Bernard in person – it is not a loss. Because Bernard was never about the personal. He said: “You must become me as I am you, so that we can trust each other no matter where we are, no matter who we are.”

I have never loved anyone the way I loved Bernard. I have never respected anyone the way I respected Bernard. I have never trusted anyone the way I trusted Bernard. I have never been challenged or supported by anyone the way that Bernard challenged and supported me. Bernard showed me the potential of what is possible – of what I can become if I stand up within myself.

Bernard is that part of us that has dared to stand up for life – that has dared to not only say that “enough is enough” but to actually live it in every moment of every breath – no fear – no compromise. Bernard stands with and as all of us, as our own brutal self-honesty – the only remedy that will cure this world from the delusion that we’ve allowed ourselves to live and become. Bernard is the side of all of us that has taken the first step to birth ourselves as life – now it is up to each of us to take the next.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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My Own Private Maze of Horrors – Suppressing Emotions (Pt.1): DAY 216

Tags

Desteni, Emotion, fear, Forgiveness, Maze, Mind, Suppressing Emotions, Suppression

I am here on the Desteni farm and in this post I will walk an interim point that has emerged and will thus take a break from the Relationship Paranoia series and the Positivity/Negativity series that I’ve yet to conclude.

The point that has emerged has to do with emotional suppression and how I’ve related to myself in/as emotional possession. So I’ll start by outlining the point which I was supported to see, partly from speaking with Bernard here on the farm and partly from this dream I had:

Two days ago I was taking a nap and I had a dream that was very specifically showing me – or rather where I was very specifically showing myself what I am facing.

(To give some background: I once watched a documentary about serial killers where there was one called H.H Holmes who had created a type of horror- maze in his house where he would place his victims and they would be forced to try and get out of this maze facing rooms of torture and hope of getting out while never actually being able to get out. I’ve also seen the same in for example the tv-series Criminal Minds. )

So in my dream I had created such a ‘maze’. Thought it wasn’t especially a ‘torture maze’ but more a ‘fear maze’. The focus was more on the maze itself. The opening into the maze went into a dark basement that was very deep like a well and the maze itself had several openings as well. Now, in the dream I was discussing this maze with other people as though it was completely normal to build a horror maze for oneself with the only purpose of generating fear within oneself. While I was talking to these people I was hesitant towards going into it and I asked one of the others if they could get into it. One of them said: “Well you created it, so you should go first.” And I knew that they were right so I started getting into the maze.

This was the basic gist’s of the dream. So I woke up and the symbolism was striking. The day before I had talked to Bernard about how one of my ‘core points’ is that I very easily become emotionally possessed as well as suppressing my emotions because I fear that I would go insane if I were to look at what’s really here in the world (as well as inside myself).

What this dream revealed the most clearly is how I’ve created this ‘house of horrors’ inside myself as my relationship to emotions in fear that I accept as perfectly normal. And what the dream showed so clearly was how THIS IS MY OWN CREATION. And there was literally no other purpose with the maze than to instigate fear. So I have deliberately created a ‘maze’ for/as/within myself that I’m not supposed to be able to get out of and have accepted it as perfectly normal. Something else that’s quite interesting is that all this maze was was darkness. (In dream analysis a house represents oneself and the basement represents one’s unconscious by the way. The darkness of the unconscious can thus be seen as that of myself that I’ve suppressed, yet created myself.)

So these are the components that I’ll be working with here:

• Deliberately creating my own ‘house of horrors’ as the mind specifically here in context to emotional possession and suppression where I on one hand give into emotions and thus ‘crawl into the maze’ and on the other hand also suppress myself in fear of emotions which I see is the denial of myself as the creator of the maze as well as the aspect of the maze being ‘impossible’ to get through as the act of suppression itself where we hide ourselves from ourselves in separation of ourselves into an as a ‘dungeon’ inside our minds
• Deliberately creating my own maze that I can’t get out of for any other purpose than to generate fear within me
• Accepting this as normal without question
• The realization that “This is my creation, so I have to walk through it/live it.”

Okay – let’s go:

 SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into and as a mental maze through the simultaneous possession and suppression of emotions within and as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am the creator of my own ‘maze’ and ‘horror house’ as the relationship that I’ve created towards myself and that which goes on inside of me, specifically emotions that I have suppressed and fear facing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept it as perfectly normal and therefore not question that I’ve created a mental maze inside myself based on suppressing emotions while allowing myself to become possessed by them and thus immerse myself into and as them, yet refuse to face them and myself as them openly and directly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automate the systematization of suppressing emotions to such a point where I don’t even notice that I am experiencing emotions because I suppress them so quickly by literally pushing them down into and as myself as a mechanism that I’ve created with the purpose of controlling myself to only be and exist as that which I deem to be ‘okay/positive/safe’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that suppressing emotions is an effective way of dealing with them because when I suppress them I don’t experience them – not seeing, realizing and understanding that all I’m doing is shifting the emotions deeper into the mind and by default the body where I don’t experience them consciously but instead actually move them further into myself and thus do not in fact remove them or deal with them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, the more I’ve suppressed emotions, the more I’ve feared these emotions as a ‘dark’ load that I experience as lingering inside me at some undefined level that I have cut off access to and thus I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let emotions control me and direct me from ‘beneath the surface’ in such a way that I couldn’t direct them because I had prohibited my own access to my own creation of emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the emotions that I’ve suppressed within and as myself because I no longer remember what they are but now only know the mechanism of suppression as that is the only thing I’ve focused on – to control myself at all costs, to prevent myself from facing myself even though I can’t even remember what it is that I fear, all I ‘know’ is that “I must suppress my emotions” because that’s the program that I’ve automated myself into and as that I believe I must continue with because otherwise I will open up the ‘can of worms’ that is all the emotions that I’ve suppressed throughout time

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by suppressing my emotions I am accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear of what is going on inside me because I’ve signed off all direction over myself and deliberately made myself ‘blind’ and thus fear that which I cannot see, all the while I was the only who deliberately blinded myself to not see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control and contain my emotions through suppressing them and pushing them down into and as myself as a mechanism of making them ‘go away’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding that since I don’t even know ‘where’ the emotions go when I suppress them and since the mechanism is one of “I’m not gonna look at this” then obviously they’re not gonna ‘go away’ since I haven’t actually directed them or removed them practically, directively or physically from within and as myself and thus they must ‘go’ somewhere inside of myself, into and as the layers of the mind and into and as the very fibers of my physical body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control and contain my emotions by suppressing them when in fact that mechanism of suppression is an act of fear – where I make myself inferior to my emotions, which is why it is actually then the emotions that control and contain me instead of the other way around

 SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS:

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into and as an experience of fear or judgment towards the emotional reaction that comes up within me, I stop and I take a deep breath and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body – because I see, realize and understand that this fear and/or judgment towards what comes up inside me, is first of all me taking what comes up personally, thus identifying with it and accepting it as myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is a systematized program of the mind based on memories and energetic charges that I’ve accumulated throughout my life and second of all that this is the precursor for the activation of suppression that I’ve automated myself into and as. I also see, realize and understand that in order for me to see when it is that I’m busy activating suppression I have to slow myself down and walk in specificity and self-honesty in every moment, in particularly here in the beginning where I’ll be working with stopping the automation of my suppression of emotions. So I see how important it is that I become aware of the thoughts that pop up in my head and not ‘brush them away’ because that brushing away of ‘small moments’ is actually exactly where suppression starts accumulating. So – I commit myself to direct myself to stop reacting to the emotions that comes up within me and I commit myself to instead place a new system of self-support where I allow myself to look at what’s coming up openly, clearly and self-honestly.

When and as I see that I am reacting emotionally – I stop and I breathe and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body and instead of moving myself to immediately suppress/deny/ignore the emotional reaction, I allow myself to look at it openly and directly within and as myself and I look at the time-line of mental events that has occurred as a build-up of thoughts that has accumulated to this ‘energy-bundle’ than now comes up as a reaction, so that I can clearly direct myself to release myself from this reaction through walking back in time and allocate the origin point of my reaction and accordingly take self-responsibility and prescribe a self-corrective solution and application for myself based on the principle of what is best for all – either through simply walking the correction immediately in the moment, through applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements out loud or through scheduling a moment for myself to sit down and write the point out. Because I see, realize and understand how utterly pointless it is to suppress myself because it actually only gives the emotions even more ‘life’ through me fearing them and judging them when I can instead support myself to be with myself here in stability whatever comes up within me.

I will continue with these points in my next post.

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• * Hell Spoof
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Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207

Tags

Breathing, Cognitive Distortions, cognitive psychology, Emotion, Energy, Experience, fear, Forgiveness, Mind, Physical body, sefl-defence mechanisms, Slave to emotions, survival mechanism, Understanding

In this post I am commencing with self-forgiveness on the points I mentioned in the previous two posts, which I specified from negativity to a particular relationship that I’ve developed towards resisting things that I know are good for me. As I have been writing these blogs I have noticed how extensively resistance has become a directive that I live by and through that have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my process of change. I see how through resistance I am literally standing in my own way, like placing a mental and energetic wall between myself and the movement to change. I see how I have brainwashed myself to trust my feelings and emotions and especially the experience of resistance. I have proven to myself before that the only way through resistance is to walk through it. Yet I still experience resistance to many things in my life that I know are good for me I am therefore pushing myself here to lay out this pattern and take responsibility for it as myself instead of blaming it on emotions, feelings, energy or the mind in general. I have come to see, realize and understand that I am nothing but a zombie, an emotional zombie. A zombie is a creature who was once alive, but who now is undead, slowing rotting away and I am my own cure.

This is in continuation to:

• Resisting Things We Know are Good for Us – Why Do We Do it? DAY 206
• Where Does Following Your Heart As a Compass Lead You? DAY 205
• Embracing the Unknown: DAY 204
• Saying NO to Feel in Control of Consequence: DAY 203
• Filling Gaps by Digging Holes – My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203
• Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202
• Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
• Positivity: DAY 200

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do things that I know are good for me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I know that I am compromising something that is good for me, accept and allow myself to sabotage myself, my physical body, my process to change and my participation in and contribution to this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself and to be brainwashed and indoctrinated into believing that what matters most in this world – all that matters – is how I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely oblivious towards the fact that emotions and feelings are energetic structures of the mind and NOT the real substance of and as me as the physical. As such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard that which I know to be true, for an illusion and for a brainwashed ‘self’ that I’ve accepted as myself – as who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the self-delusion, self-deception and illusion that my emotions and feelings are my true self speaking to me/as me as directives for where I should go or how I should act – in spite of me knowing very well or at least understanding that emotions and feelings aren’t real as physically manifested facts that can be cross-referenced as real by all life and that undisputedly supports a life that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how extensively I’ve allowed myself to be brainwashed into submitting myself totally and completely to and immersing myself in emotions and feelings when I do in fact understand what emotions and feelings are, yet haven’t made the effort or decision or directive within me to stop participating in emotions and feelings but instead have allowed myself to constantly and continuously throw myself happily into any and all emotional or feeling based experience and possession

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse and justification to myself and to others that I am too weak to stop participating in emotions and feelings, that I am simply an overly emotional person and therefore I can’t help it – when the matter of fact is that I have deliberately made myself an emotional person and I have decided for myself to make emotions my directive principle and to immerse myself in them and abdicate myself to them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to actively honor the experience of resistance through having a long time ago already decided that resistance is a good thing, it is me protecting myself, it supports me to not go into situations where I might get hurt – and so now, even though I know and understand that resistance isn’t what is best for me, I still accept and allow this new understanding and principled living decision to be override by my acceptance of resistance as a directive principle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience resistance – the act more than the feeling – as a positive self-application of self-protection and self-care because in the past when I’ve resisted something that I didn’t want to do, I felt like I was dodging bullets and that I was – through resistance – actively preventing myself from ending up in harmful situations

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a completely unbalanced and dysfunctional relationship towards the act of saying ‘yes’ and saying ‘no’ in how I’ve created myself in such a way that I would force myself to say yes to things that I knew weren’t good for me based on an idea that I had created within me as a form of ego boost that I could set myself free by breaking all boundaries and taboos within me, while conversely saying ‘no’ to things that I actually knew would be good for me in the belief that I was protecting myself from possible harm, all the while I was most often the only one causing myself harm. And as such I see also that I applied the act of saying ‘no’ in an attempt of balance out my tendency to say ‘yes’ to things that weren’t good for me yet I completely missed the point of actual self-support, self-care and self-honesty within and as this application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make resistance – the feeling and the act – a habitual pattern that I automatically follow because I immediately as the emotional reaction of fear and apprehension towards something or someone comes up recognizes and accepts this as real and valid instead of in that moment directing myself in alignment with my new understanding that resistance is a mental defense-mechanism of the mind that utilizes the combination of energy, imagination and thought and back chat to create a simulated ‘threat’ that is then validated because I have already accepted emotions and feelings as real and valid indicators of reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become such a slave of resistance that I don’t even have to convince myself and believe that there is a threat anymore, I simply automatically recognizes the experience as real and then because I do in fact know that it is not – I instead use backchat to lie to myself and convince myself that there won’t be any significant consequences to me resisting as well as using procrastination as a way of convincing myself that it is okay that I resist because I can do things later

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor or value the potential of myself as who and what I can be and become in directing myself to walk through resistance as I know to be the only solution, as walking through it step by step – just like I’ve walked myself into it, step by step

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand ‘who’ it is that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as – through my immersing myself in and submitting myself to resistance – as nothing but a personality-system made up by some specific programmed responses that has absolutely nothing to do with living or functioning in reality – where I am not even alive, because all my focus goes to ‘protecting’ myself FROM becoming life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to birth myself to and as life – to become alive and I forgive myself that I’ve instead accepted and allowed myself to give in and give myself up to an energetic mind-possession that has no logic or reason to it as resistance that is nothing but a feeling and is not substantial in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand and admit to myself that I am not in fact alive – my body is alive and breathes – but myself as the directive principle is not alive – because I’ve confined myself to be dependent upon the feedback of thoughts, emotions and feelings and have imprisoned myself to only move myself according to the reactions I experience within and as my mind, where I filter everything in my world and my reality through how I see and perceive things in my mind in thoughts and how I feel at an emotional and feeling level

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know and understand the extent of my brainwashing in/of and as the mind as the abdication and submission of myself to thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings – when in fact I didn’t understand at all as I’ve continued to accept and allow myself to be completely run and directed by the mind constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what has held me locked into the mind is my own active participation in the mind as I’ve so completely immersed myself in the mind that even when I did start realizing, seeing and understanding what the mind was and who and what I am within and as the mind, I still didn’t stop and I didn’t want to stop and I deliberately kept myself immersed in and as the mind through my direct and constant participation

In my next post I will commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

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• *Relationship Success Support – Introduction
• *What is Sex? Overview

• * LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
• * The Spirituality of the Snail
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• * How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
• * What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
• * Hell Spoof
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• * Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step
  
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• * Quantum Systemization – Preview

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Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202

Tags

Definition, Energy, Experience, fear, Forgiveness, highs and lows, Mind, peak experiences, Positive energetic experiences, Positive energy, Technology, think positive, Understanding

In this post I will be prescribing self-corrective and self-commitment statements on my relationship to positivity and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my participation and application dependent upon ‘how I feel’. The point of this is so that I can walk my days and apply myself without relying on energy , so that I can establish actual consistency instead of wavering between ‘ups’ and ‘downs’.

For context, please read the previous two posts on positivity:

• Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
• Positivity: DAY 200

When and as I see and recognize that I’ve stepped into the ‘peak’ character where I suddenly feel and experience myself as being invincible and that I can suddenly do anything, I stop. I remind myself that what I am experiencing is not real because it is in fact an experience and that I’m defining myself as being able to do anything because of an experience and not because I’ve expanded myself in and as self-direction and self-expression. I stop participating in the energetic experience and I see, realize and understand that I can simply apply myself here, practically, physically and self-directively without having to energize myself. So within this – I commit myself to stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I commit myself to stop allowing myself to define the ‘peak’ experience as real, because I see, realize and understand now that it is not.

When and as I am in the ‘peak’/positive experience and I see that I don’t want to stop participating in the experience and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to make the justification to stay in the experience because I suddenly feel more capable and able than otherwise, I stop myself and I breathe and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body. Because I now see, realize and understand that I actually am not more capable or able and that I’ve made myself believe this because I’ve made myself dependent on feeling energized to feel able and capable. So I commit myself to stop lying to myself and I commit myself to instead focus on establishing actual real capabilities and abilities that won’t simply disappear when the energy wears off.

When and as I see that I am in a ‘peak’ experience and that I want to remain on that peak because it feels like I’m finally ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience myself as, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am actually not ‘more than’ and that the only reason I experience myself as ‘more than’ is because of the pendulum experience of going up from having been down in accepting and allowing myself to be in a general experience of ‘low’ and feeling ‘less than’. So I see, realize and understand that I’ve made my definition, experience and acceptance of myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences that run their course completely independent from who I am or how I direct myself because it is like the energies have a life of their own and I am being swung by the pendulum from side to side without having any control over when I go up or down. So I commit myself to stop believing that I am suddenly more than and I also commit myself to stop conditioning myself to being dependent on energetic experiences because I see, realize and understand that this is an unstable and unsustainable way to live and if I accept and allow myself to be contingent upon energy to direct myself, I’ve got absolutely no self-direction which essentially mean that I am not the director of my own life and that energy is.

When and as I see that I’m accepted and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I can sustain my positive energetic experience, I stop. Because I now see, realize and understand that I can’t sustain this experience, I can’t control it or contain because I’ve got absolutely no control over the energy – quite the contrary: I’ve accepted and allowed the energy to be in control of me. As such I commit myself to stop the belief that I can control, contain or sustain the energy. I commit myself to stop believing that I am in control of energy and I commit myself to instead establish direction of energy through stopping participation on energy.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to believe that I’m not really in a positive experience and that “this is simply who I am, I’m awesome” I stop myself. I commit myself to become self-honest with myself as whom and what I am within my direction of and as myself. Because I see, realize and understand that I know when I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a positive energetic experience. As such I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to go into denial and pretend like this is who I am, when in fact what I’m experiencing is the positive polarity of the negative polarity that I’ve accepted as my ‘natural state of mind’ which is why I in this positive experience, experience it as though I’m finally surfacing from having drowning. I see, realize and understand now that I’m not actually ‘surfacing’ – I’m merely experiencing the energy fluctuating from a low to a high. As such I see, realize and understand that actual surfacing is to stop participating in the mind, in energy and come back to this here physical reality and myself within and as the physical.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that it’s good to be positive I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that the positive energetic experiences can’t exist if I didn’t come from a negative energetic experience and as such the positive really comes from the negative and it isn’t really real. The high isn’t a real high when it’s contingent upon the low. I see, realize and understand that real expansion; real change is based on practical self-movement.

I commit myself to stop letting energy control me and be the directive principle of and as me. I see, realize and understand that it will take a process for me to walk through because I’ve made myself dependent upon energy. As such I commit myself to flag point and investigate and identify when and as it is that I’ve stepped into and as an energetic experience of positivity or negativity. I see that it is easier for me to identify positive energetic experiences because it is indeed ‘peak’ experiences whereas negative energetic experiences have become quite a ‘comfort zone’ or natural experience for me. As such I commit myself to also investigate negative experiences that I’ve taken for granted as ‘who I am’ because I see, realize and understand that it is from the negative experiences that I’ve accepted as ‘who I am’ that I’ve made myself want to ‘peak’ as though being positive would sort out the negative. So I commit myself to investigate who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as my relationship to negative energetic experiences so that I can release myself from energy and establish myself here in the physical as a stable and common sensical self-directed human being.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

• *Relationship Success Support – Introduction
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• * LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
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• * Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
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• * 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
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• * Quantum Systemization – Preview

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

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Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201

Tags

Blame, Energy, Experience, fear, feeling positive, Forgiveness, Mind, negative feelings, peaking, Perception, Positivity, Understanding

In this post I will continue from the last post with applying self-forgiveness on positivity specifically in relation to the point of wanting to remain ‘on the high peak’ within and as feeling and believing that when I’m positive, I am ‘more able’ and when I’m negative I am ‘less able’ — something that has pretty much been governing my life and my daily participation rendering me inconsistent because my participation is largely based on whether I’m ‘on the high’ or ‘the low’. As such I’ve also limited my capabilities to be dependent on feeling positive and have thus made myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences to either move myself more or less effectively.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take note of the fact that I’ve stepped into a ‘peak’ experience of positive energy where I feel energized and feel like I can do anything and be anything and that I’ve got tons of energy and in spite of knowing that this is an energetic experience and that it is not real, I’ve gone along anyway because of the experience of myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise perceive and experience myself as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain on ‘the peak’ because I experience and perceive myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise am and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can stay in the state of being ‘on the peak’ if I just contain it and hold onto it long enough, even though the same thing happens every time, that I eventually crash and go into neutrality and negativity only to revisit the peak again, holding onto it and crashing in a never-ending pendulum experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can’t remain as or contain or hold onto positive experiences or experiences of being ‘on peak’ because these experiences aren’t based on an actual real living self-expression but on fluctuating and conditional energy that is unbalanced and ungrounded

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into denial when I access a positive experience because although I know that it is an energetic experience through which I’m causing myself to suddenly see and experience myself differently, I deceive myself into believing that it is real and that I’m somehow ‘broken through to the surface, like I’ve accomplished something and finally NOW are ME again, when what I’m experiencing is in fact an experience of superiority in feeling like I am ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience and perceive myself as which is then actually the negative side of the polarity. So it is like: “I’m finally coming through, hell no, if I’m gonna leaves THIS experience, I’m awesome, I can do anything!”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize, understand and acknowledge that who I am when I am ‘on the peak’ is not in fact WHO I AM – certainly not if this experience can be changed at any moment into its total polar opposite because I wanted it so bad to be true, I wanted to be better and I wanted to be more

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that expanding my abilities and my capability, changing how I see and respect and accept myself is not about feeling good or better or more about or than myself – but about practically, physically changing myself both in terms of expanding and not accepting myself to limit myself – but to do so as an actual practical application and self-expression and not as an energetic fluctuation that can change at any moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being positive, feeling positive is in fact good and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify remaining in my experience of positivity because of how I experience and see myself as being able to do more and then think to myself that: “but hey, this is good – I’m good, now I’m getting work done, I’m disciplined and can handle everything and can support everyone in the process.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how me being positive is actually based on my acceptance and experience of myself within and as negativity where I experience myself as ‘less than’, where I’m not directing my own capabilities or abilities but am accepting and allowing myself to exist conditioned to moods and feelings and emotions and thoughts and limitations – so that when I get ‘on the peek’ is like freedom from myself where it feels like I’m free from my limited self, but it is all about a chemical imbalance in my body and mind like being on drugs

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that ‘who’ I am and experience myself as when I am positive is not actually who I am but merely an example as who I am is what is here all the time, constantly and continuously while I’m busy preoccupying myself into and as energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop defining myself according to how I experience myself energetically and instead develop myself into and as real, physical and practical application where I decide and live who and what I am as a self-directed self-expression that is constant and continuous and that cannot be waivered or moved by any influence but is simply who I am.

In my next post I’ll commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

 

FREE Interviews and E-books:

• *Relationship Success Support – Introduction
• *What is Sex? Overview

• * LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
• * The Spirituality of the Snail
• * Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
• * How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
• * What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
• * Hell Spoof
• * What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
• * Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step
  
• * 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
• * Relationship Success Support – Introduction
• * Quantum Systemization – Preview

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

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How do I Walk-With instead of Against Myself? DAY 190

Tags

Backchat, Base on balls, Consciousness, Forgiveness, Mind, Philosophy, Physical body, Youtube

In this post we are continuing to have a look at how one can bring that which one desire in another back to oneself. What was interesting in what we found in the last post is that when I sought a ‘team’ in my agreement with my partner, that he helps and support me and I brought it back to myself, what it revealed was in fact that I have been against myself. Because I’ve been against myself, I’ve created an outward seeking solution instead of turning back to myself and take self-responsibility.

Here’s the previous blogs in the series:

• The Secret to a Fulfilling Relationship: DAY 189
• Save The Sinner! DAY 188
• How can I Establish Self-Integrity? DAY 187
• A Note on The Corruption of Self-Integrity: DAY 184
• Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced
• Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
• Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181 

In my last post I more applied self-forgiveness on the fact that I am against myself at all and also on how I’ve searched outside myself for fulfillment and accept. So in this post I’ll more look into how I’ve lived this point of walking against myself.

So these are the points I’ve identified:

1.) Backchat and self-judgment

2.) Self-Sabotage through participating in backchat/urges

3.) Inferiorizing myself within and through backchat to be/do/live inferiorized as less than what I can/could be

So what is interesting to see is how the way that I am walking against with myself is something I first and foremost do through accepting and allowing myself to stand inside myself – against myself. It is a starting-point in and through which I accept and determine ‘who I am’. And as such backchat or inner conversations are the way that I elicit the stance that I’ve already taken towards myself of being against myself. So one could say that the stance is me being against myself and the actions I take through that is how I walk against myself. Something that is quite fucked up about this is that I experience a form of resistance towards opening up this point to myself. It’s crazy that one can fear losing a part of oneself through and within which one has been abusive towards self or others and simultaneously not wanting to free oneself.

I remember being against myself for quite some years. When I look back through my life there were these moments of ‘surfacing’ where I saw what I was doing and how it was detrimental where I decided to support myself instead and those are the moments where I’ve moved exponentially. The rest of the time it is like I’ve been under a spell of self-judgment and diminishment.

I can see how this is a point that at the moment is not entirely specified – meaning that it is huge in terms of the influence and branching out and multi-dimensional layering it has had in my life. So I will return to the last place where I was clear which was the point of looking at what it is I am desiring in my partner and then bring it back to myself.

So then the question would be:

As Who/how am I not living self-help?

As Who/how am I not living self-support?

As Who/how am I not living as a team with/as myself?
So here we’re looking at points that are important to walking this process effectively and that I’ve not been giving to myself absolutely or significantly so.

In my next post I will return and apply self-forgiveness in context to these questions.

Thanks for walking-with.

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• * LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
• * The Spirituality of the Snail
• * Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
• * How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
• * What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
• * Hell Spoof
• * What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
• * Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step
  
• * 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
• * Relationship Success Support – Introduction
• * Quantum Systemization – Preview

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

Related articles

• The Secret to a Fulfilling Relationship: DAY 189
• Day 316: Sensitive Souls – How to Face Success
• How do I Embrace The Shame of Who I Am as Taking Life for Granted? DAY 177
• Awkward around Boys – The Dimensions of the Pattern: DAY 180
• Stop and Smell the Roses: DAY 175
• Day 310: The Children of the Law of One (Part Three)
• Day 305 I don’t want to write

Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

Tags

addictions, Asphyxia, Bernard Poolman, Desteni, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Embrace (English band), Equal Money System, Experience, fear, Forgiveness, Keychain, Mind, Physical body, Pledge of Allegiance, Reflexive pronoun

In this blog I am writing out the final self-forgiveness statements on the series about the mind-movement character and in the following blogs I will write out the final self-corrective statements. Subsequently I will begin a new series about relationships. So stay tuned.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

• Positivity is Nothing but Momentary Absence of Negativity: DAY 171
• I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170
• Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166
• Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165
• Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving-in-and-Giving-up Pattern: DAY 164
• Confessions of a Child: Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character: DAY 163
• Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162
• CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161
• Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160
• The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Memory – The 2 minute key chain

I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as I was asked by a kindergarten teacher to sit down and make a key chain, to experience this as a punishment and that I had to sit down because they did not like me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I even heard that I had to sit down, to experience anxiety and discomfort within and as myself and an experience of physical irritation as feeling jittery when I saw my friends moving about and I experienced fear of missing out which was actually me resisting being here with and within my own physical body in stillness and silence as that which I was ‘running’ from as I had decided to stay in constant ‘movement’.

Memory – Quiet time for Mom

then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as my mom told me to be quiet to take it personally and react as though I was bad and not good enough because of my ‘lively’ expression – which was actually a cover up for the fact that I feared being silent, being still because I knew that within and as silence and stillness I would face myself as the darkness of my human physical body and that was what I was running away from

Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence

As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards laying in bed at night in silence and darkness because that darkness and silence reminded me of that first reaction to the darkness and silence of being inside my physical body and how I reacted to the fact that I could not move myself out of my body or away from the reactions I was experiencing – which ultimately is what brought me to fantasizing at night before I went to sleep, creating an incubator for backchat

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be petrified of being alone at night in the darkness and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to come up with ideas about witches and monsters that I would fear when in fact what I feared was nothing but the silence and darkness of myself – it was in fact nothing but myself I feared

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insist that I need to have my mom sitting by myself when I am about to fall asleep and when my mom refused to sit there I insisted to have audio cassettes to fall asleep to, to have constant and continuous sound and noise drowning out the silence of my own beingness instead of pushing myself to embrace myself and face myself and investigate the experience of fear I have towards silence and darkness inside myself – all of which has now become automated through the processes of back chat and imagination

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it

in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘mind-movement character’ that I have created a point of positive identification towards where I have experienced pride towards being someone that is constantly moving around as I now have come to cement and substantiate that this is who I am and who I identify myself as

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character

This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I accepted and allowed myself to develop and identify myself as a ‘moving’ character to develop the character even further where I developed a desire and need for constant movement and speed – where from a survival mechanism that was a reaction to fear I made it into a positive character for example through actively participating in imagination and visualization where I became completely obsessed with being part of the world and having experiences and basically turning myself inside out

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people

I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, value and experience ‘life’ as ‘being in the world’ and ‘being part of the world’ specifically as going out and moving oneself in the system specifically turning myself inside out and only ever focusing on what is outside of me and what comes in from the outside and not what is inside of me

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion

We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make mind-movement into a religion where I have made my entire life about turning myself inside out and focusing on everything that is outside myself and putting things and experiences back into myself and not at all or in any way remain inside myself

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell

And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how what I am fearing – what I’ve feared all my life is in fact the return of myself to myself, to the darkness and silence of my human physical body that I’ve attempted to run away from my entire life, not seeing, realizing or understanding how it is me — and how I’ve been here all along and how what I’ve been avoiding to face all along is the responsibility of directing myself, of deciding who I am and of within that embracing myself in realizing that I am the one that decides who I am – which also means that I can change myself

(In the next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.)

FREE Interviews and E-books:

• * LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
• * The Spirituality of the Snail
• * Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
• * How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
• * What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
• * Hell Spoof
• * What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
• * Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step
  
• * 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
• * Relationship Success Support – Introduction
• * Quantum Systemization – Preview

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Related articles

• Positivity is Nothing but Momentary Absence of Negativity: DAY 171
• Day 311: How did ‘HESITATION’ even Become a Word?
• Day 135: Suppressing desires
• Day 124: When Is Competition Unworthy?
• Day 299: The Illness of Mental Health
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• Day 269: Are We Forgetting Something?

Positivity is Nothing but Momentary Absence of Negativity: DAY 171

Tags

Asphyxia, Consciousness, Experience, Forgiveness, Infant, Mind, Physical body, Rash

In this blog I am continuing with the mind–movement character that I started writing out on DAY 159 . I have realized that the mind-movement character is not a character as such but more a pattern or a particular mind-component. With this I mean also that this point of moving oneself from/within/as the mind in fact pertains to the mind in its entirety. I mean everything we do that is based in/on/as the mind such as thinking or fantasizing for example, is the mind ‘moving’. It is then also within and as the mind that we move in the physical. Therefore I’ve also realized that this point is quite humongous and a point that is relevant in any point one would write about – the point where one would move with/within/as the mind instead of moving oneself here in the physical basically. I will write the final parts of the mind-movement character in the coming few blogs and after that I will incorporate the point of moving oneself within and as the mind into my general writings. When and as relevant I will return to the specifics of the mind-movement character’s time-line that I’ve written out in more detail.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

• I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170
• Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166
• Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165
• Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving-in-and-Giving-up Pattern: DAY 164
• Confessions of a Child: Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character: DAY 163
• Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162
• CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161
• Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160
• The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159

SELF-FORGIVENESS

The alternative is that we die – or so we believe

whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as myself here in the physical in and as my physical body through/because I started moving myself within and as the mind as a survival strategy/mechanism based on how I interpreted my own reaction to my environment and within that turned against my own body and blamed my body for my experience of discomfort and fear as I started feeling energy inside myself

I am the worst enemy to my own survival

I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I experienced energetic reactions of fear and discomfort inside myself – or actually it was not even fear defined at first, it was simply energy – and I experienced it as an intense physical pressure or invasion on my body similar to how one would react to hearing a loud sharp sound that feels like it is penetrating one’s body – that’s how I felt, so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and experience my body as an enemy because it was IN the body I was experiencing the discomfort and it was because I was IN the body that I could not move myself away from the experience – instead of realizing, seeing and understanding how I was totally and completely misunderstanding what was going on, as I had already separated myself from myself as the physical and was busy identifying myself as consciousness. This I realize is no different from how I today will look for physical/external solutions to my inner experiences such as moving myself away or using consumption to suppress

Making the Choice to indulge in the world

And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through how I created the mind-movement pattern, to have created a relationship with the physical – both with my environment and with my body of exploiting and abusing the physical, where I saw the physical’s only function as how I could use it to alter and manipulate how I experienced myself inside of myself and how I had come to be suspicious and disconnected from actually being and living here in the physical. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide inside my mind, in and through splitting myself into pieces and compartmentalized individualities through thinking

Demoting myself to non-existent

And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the physical external reality is to blame for how I experience myself inside myself and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience my physical body as a traitor and as weak and inferior and that the mind is powerful and trustworthy in how I’ve been able to use the mind to ‘get away from’ experiences I did not want to experience – never seeing, realizing or understanding how I was creating those experiences in the mind to begin with and how the actual real solution was in fact in the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to annihilate the physical, my body and the environment because that was where I experienced the experiences I did not want to feel – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was experiencing those experiences in the physical body because the physical body is who I am and therefore who I allow myself to be, that which I identify myself as through acceptance and allowance is what I will experience in and as my physical body and as such the physical body is completely innocent as the body is my expression of that which I accept as myself and the body does not exist separate from me. And so in my separating myself from the experiences I was creating inside me as I reacted to my environment, I turned against myself in blaming parts of myself that I was separating myself from

‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ as the ‘solution’ to my survival

I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I decided to turn against myself as the physical and in reacting to the physical to decide to move myself into the world as that which I perceive as the source of my reactions because I could not stand the experiences inside myself and I could not move myself away from them physically and so I made a ‘can’t beat them, join them’ type of survival move where I turned my attention towards my external reality and away from my own physical body and simultaneously also into an inner mental reality

What I want from the Mind is Life

that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I will get out of denying myself as the physical and giving myself into the mind and the external reality is in fact life as I understood the alternative to be agony and darkness inside my physical body, when in fact everything is completely in reverse and the agony I experience is in fact what I’ve done with myself as life, as darkness through my surrendering of myself to the mind and therefore the only way ‘out’ is through the consequence of who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become

My People are My World

I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I ‘got out’ of my inner discomfort and darkness and discovered other people to experience these people as my saviors and almost as angels that took me away from the abyss – not seeing, realizing or understanding that what I was experiencing was not safety or security or love or the wonders of life, but merely a momentary absence of my actual experience of myself – that, even though I suppressed it, was still the bottom of me

How I defined Mind-Movement as Life

But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I pushed my body away I automatically also pushed nature away because in nature we face ourselves as physical, in silence, darkness, physical movement – so ‘the world’ was ONLY that which is endorsed by and reflecting the mind, the primary points being emotional relationships with others and consumption both with the purpose of generating energy.

The Mind is an escape from the Mind itself

And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that I want the world, I want relationships and to push that and experience that as something positive that I’ve focused my entire life on – when the fact of the matter is that my starting point was to escape my actual experience of myself – to get away from something. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how all positive experiences I’ve had was in fact nothing but the ‘absence’ of negativity.

(To be continued)

FREE Interviews and E-books:

• * LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
• * The Spirituality of the Snail
• * Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
• * How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
• * What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
• * Hell Spoof
• * What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
• * Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step
  
• * 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
• * Relationship Success Support – Introduction
• * Quantum Systemization – Preview

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Related articles

• Day 282: How to Stay Focused when Studying Psychology
• Day 299: The Illness of Mental Health
• CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161
• Day 294: Natural Learning Ability of the Feral Child
• Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166
• Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162
• I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170

CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161

Tags

Bernard Poolman, Child development, Consciousness, Desteni, Desteni Group, development of a self, Dimension, Ego (spirituality), Home, Mind, Mother, Physical body, Prison, Self-Development, Socialization

How exactly is it children are socialized or programmed to participate in the world? This is something I am investigating here inadvertedly through my own experiences with the development of the Mind Movement Character.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the previous blog posts I’ve walked thus far:

• Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160
• The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159

In this blog post I’ll clarify a bit on the thought Image I wrote about in my last blog post as the image I’ve selected to represent the Mind Movement Character. When I say it is the image I have selected it is because it did not ‘come to me’ as with other characters where it is absolutely obvious what the thought or image representing or comprising the character is. I located this image more through discerning the characteristics of the character in how I’ve been living it. And so since I selected it I’ve been quite doubtful as to whether it is THE image that is relevant for this character. However, when I look at my personal relationship to the image specifically in context to the memory I shared of when I was a baby/small child and I started the mind movement, it was the same/similar motion where I used the darkness/light analogy. I see now how this could explain to some extent why children become afraid of the dark. Because the darkness we’re running away from and avoiding is ourselves, the darkness of being inside one’s own physical body, in the silence of the sound of self. And I see a particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped. I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically. As a side note I can share that according to my mother, I had quite the extreme entry into the world from a certain perspective.

Because when I was born – in a snowstorm by the way – my mom got up, took a shower and then they held a party. And she has explained how I then did not cry but turned my head away from them as if I wanted to be alone. LOL – I realize now that obviously newborn babies can’t turn their heads so either my mother embellished the story or I did in my memory of her telling it. However it still makes sense. I was born into a very loud, chaotic environment which also was a tiny apartment living with my mother and my father who was severely manic at the time of my birth swinging into heavy depression and back and forth during my first few years. So what I am seeing now is that I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. I see how all children do this, because we have no other option. If we were born into the world with functioning legs, we could walk away. But we can’t. Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die.

This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs. As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape. Had I only realized that it was the other way around and that I could have walked the opposite way, inside myself, I could have saved myself a lot of time. But that is obviously not how we were designed or how we’ve designed ourselves.

And so what do we do? We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

So the bottom line:

I want to move myself in/through/as my mind constantly and continuously so that I don’t have to feel and be in and as the darkness of myself, as my beingness in and as my human physical body. Because that has become my prison where I hold myself completely restrained and locked and limited without any ability to move. But you know what? It is all in reverse. I completely missed the point. Because when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind. And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move. I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost. I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

Forming myself as a Con. Forming myself according to the con. Letting the con of the world form me. So my form became the con. The ‘form’ I accepted myself as was the mind. The physical was a mere obstacle, the ‘jail’ I was trapped in as consciousness.

Remember the Q and A I shared in the first blog post?

Q: Why would one be afraid of being here in silence/darkness/stillness with oneself? I experience this as a primary point though I don’t see much reason for it in term of ‘issues’ to sort out. That it is more like a basic point that one simply requires pushing through. Is this so?

A: The Mind plays a nice trick on you with that one – it’s not in fact that you FEAR silence/darkness/stillness, what you’re actually experiencing is an excitement that manifest towards your Mind, cause you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you

So if I bring this back to myself in relation to what it is I’ve been sharing about, that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself. Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died. I have absolutely no background in concluding this, it simply makes sense to me. But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch. And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options. And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself. And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clearcut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself. And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison. Boy was I wrong. But I still only see it ‘intellectually’ – meaning that even though I now see this, I am still not living it. My entire life is build up around this one single point of making sure that I am constantly moving myself, in/through and as the mind. So is going to be a process to walk myself back to the darkness of myself. But that is exactly why I am writing out these blogs.

So in my next blog post I will continue with self-forgiveness on the image/thought of shooting through the universe, specifically with integrating the writings I’ve shared today into my self-forgiveness and in general this writing will be the base as I write the point out.

Thanks for walking-with.

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