I am here on the Desteni farm and in this post I will walk an interim point that has emerged and will thus take a break from the Relationship Paranoia series and the Positivity/Negativity series that I’ve yet to conclude.
The point that has emerged has to do with emotional suppression and how I’ve related to myself in/as emotional possession. So I’ll start by outlining the point which I was supported to see, partly from speaking with Bernard here on the farm and partly from this dream I had:
Two days ago I was taking a nap and I had a dream that was very specifically showing me – or rather where I was very specifically showing myself what I am facing.
(To give some background: I once watched a documentary about serial killers where there was one called H.H Holmes who had created a type of horror- maze in his house where he would place his victims and they would be forced to try and get out of this maze facing rooms of torture and hope of getting out while never actually being able to get out. I’ve also seen the same in for example the tv-series Criminal Minds. )
So in my dream I had created such a ‘maze’. Thought it wasn’t especially a ‘torture maze’ but more a ‘fear maze’. The focus was more on the maze itself. The opening into the maze went into a dark basement that was very deep like a well and the maze itself had several openings as well. Now, in the dream I was discussing this maze with other people as though it was completely normal to build a horror maze for oneself with the only purpose of generating fear within oneself. While I was talking to these people I was hesitant towards going into it and I asked one of the others if they could get into it. One of them said: “Well you created it, so you should go first.” And I knew that they were right so I started getting into the maze.
This was the basic gist’s of the dream. So I woke up and the symbolism was striking. The day before I had talked to Bernard about how one of my ‘core points’ is that I very easily become emotionally possessed as well as suppressing my emotions because I fear that I would go insane if I were to look at what’s really here in the world (as well as inside myself).
What this dream revealed the most clearly is how I’ve created this ‘house of horrors’ inside myself as my relationship to emotions in fear that I accept as perfectly normal. And what the dream showed so clearly was how THIS IS MY OWN CREATION. And there was literally no other purpose with the maze than to instigate fear. So I have deliberately created a ‘maze’ for/as/within myself that I’m not supposed to be able to get out of and have accepted it as perfectly normal. Something else that’s quite interesting is that all this maze was was darkness. (In dream analysis a house represents oneself and the basement represents one’s unconscious by the way. The darkness of the unconscious can thus be seen as that of myself that I’ve suppressed, yet created myself.)
So these are the components that I’ll be working with here:
- Deliberately creating my own ‘house of horrors’ as the mind specifically here in context to emotional possession and suppression where I on one hand give into emotions and thus ‘crawl into the maze’ and on the other hand also suppress myself in fear of emotions which I see is the denial of myself as the creator of the maze as well as the aspect of the maze being ‘impossible’ to get through as the act of suppression itself where we hide ourselves from ourselves in separation of ourselves into an as a ‘dungeon’ inside our minds
- Deliberately creating my own maze that I can’t get out of for any other purpose than to generate fear within me
- Accepting this as normal without question
- The realization that “This is my creation, so I have to walk through it/live it.”
Okay – let’s go:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into and as a mental maze through the simultaneous possession and suppression of emotions within and as myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am the creator of my own ‘maze’ and ‘horror house’ as the relationship that I’ve created towards myself and that which goes on inside of me, specifically emotions that I have suppressed and fear facing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept it as perfectly normal and therefore not question that I’ve created a mental maze inside myself based on suppressing emotions while allowing myself to become possessed by them and thus immerse myself into and as them, yet refuse to face them and myself as them openly and directly
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automate the systematization of suppressing emotions to such a point where I don’t even notice that I am experiencing emotions because I suppress them so quickly by literally pushing them down into and as myself as a mechanism that I’ve created with the purpose of controlling myself to only be and exist as that which I deem to be ‘okay/positive/safe’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that suppressing emotions is an effective way of dealing with them because when I suppress them I don’t experience them – not seeing, realizing and understanding that all I’m doing is shifting the emotions deeper into the mind and by default the body where I don’t experience them consciously but instead actually move them further into myself and thus do not in fact remove them or deal with them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, the more I’ve suppressed emotions, the more I’ve feared these emotions as a ‘dark’ load that I experience as lingering inside me at some undefined level that I have cut off access to and thus I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let emotions control me and direct me from ‘beneath the surface’ in such a way that I couldn’t direct them because I had prohibited my own access to my own creation of emotions
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the emotions that I’ve suppressed within and as myself because I no longer remember what they are but now only know the mechanism of suppression as that is the only thing I’ve focused on – to control myself at all costs, to prevent myself from facing myself even though I can’t even remember what it is that I fear, all I ‘know’ is that “I must suppress my emotions” because that’s the program that I’ve automated myself into and as that I believe I must continue with because otherwise I will open up the ‘can of worms’ that is all the emotions that I’ve suppressed throughout time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by suppressing my emotions I am accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear of what is going on inside me because I’ve signed off all direction over myself and deliberately made myself ‘blind’ and thus fear that which I cannot see, all the while I was the only who deliberately blinded myself to not see
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control and contain my emotions through suppressing them and pushing them down into and as myself as a mechanism of making them ‘go away’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding that since I don’t even know ‘where’ the emotions go when I suppress them and since the mechanism is one of “I’m not gonna look at this” then obviously they’re not gonna ‘go away’ since I haven’t actually directed them or removed them practically, directively or physically from within and as myself and thus they must ‘go’ somewhere inside of myself, into and as the layers of the mind and into and as the very fibers of my physical body
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control and contain my emotions by suppressing them when in fact that mechanism of suppression is an act of fear – where I make myself inferior to my emotions, which is why it is actually then the emotions that control and contain me instead of the other way around
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into and as an experience of fear or judgment towards the emotional reaction that comes up within me, I stop and I take a deep breath and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body – because I see, realize and understand that this fear and/or judgment towards what comes up inside me, is first of all me taking what comes up personally, thus identifying with it and accepting it as myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is a systematized program of the mind based on memories and energetic charges that I’ve accumulated throughout my life and second of all that this is the precursor for the activation of suppression that I’ve automated myself into and as. I also see, realize and understand that in order for me to see when it is that I’m busy activating suppression I have to slow myself down and walk in specificity and self-honesty in every moment, in particularly here in the beginning where I’ll be working with stopping the automation of my suppression of emotions. So I see how important it is that I become aware of the thoughts that pop up in my head and not ‘brush them away’ because that brushing away of ‘small moments’ is actually exactly where suppression starts accumulating. So – I commit myself to direct myself to stop reacting to the emotions that comes up within me and I commit myself to instead place a new system of self-support where I allow myself to look at what’s coming up openly, clearly and self-honestly.
When and as I see that I am reacting emotionally – I stop and I breathe and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body and instead of moving myself to immediately suppress/deny/ignore the emotional reaction, I allow myself to look at it openly and directly within and as myself and I look at the time-line of mental events that has occurred as a build-up of thoughts that has accumulated to this ‘energy-bundle’ than now comes up as a reaction, so that I can clearly direct myself to release myself from this reaction through walking back in time and allocate the origin point of my reaction and accordingly take self-responsibility and prescribe a self-corrective solution and application for myself based on the principle of what is best for all – either through simply walking the correction immediately in the moment, through applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements out loud or through scheduling a moment for myself to sit down and write the point out. Because I see, realize and understand how utterly pointless it is to suppress myself because it actually only gives the emotions even more ‘life’ through me fearing them and judging them when I can instead support myself to be with myself here in stability whatever comes up within me.
I will continue with these points in my next post.
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