I met with someone whom I sort of looked up to and saw as a role model. In already going into the meeting with that attitude, I felt insecure and inferior. During the meeting I felt like the person was better than me, how I should be more like them, and also how I am already, is not good enough. It was like, seeing how great they were, made me see myself in a different light. Looking back, I can see how it was an idea about myself that dropped in that moment I compared myself to the other person, like before meeting them I had way too high thoughts about myself, and after I had way too low thoughts about myself – not really seeing myself there in the middle being equal parts good and bad.
So the point that I compared revolved around what food I am feeding my child, and I had until now seen myself as giving my child healthy and wholesome food. But this person was feeding their children with even MORE awareness, on a whole other level than I was, and compared to them, it was obvious to me that what I was feeding my child was virtually ‘unhealthy’ – and so I judged myself as being not a good enough mom to my child. So in one moment I went from being “quite ok” to being “not at all ok” – but what was even worse was that I reacted so promptly and so subtly to my own self-judgment that I went into a complete shut-down inside myself.
And it was only when my husband yesterday asked me: “Can you center yourself inside yourself?” that I slowly but surely started finding my way back to myself. I realize that this is a tendency I have, to deeply suppress reactions, especially when they are towards myself, realizing that I’ve done something wrong within self-judgment. I liken it to a child hiding a mistake because it knows it will be scolded.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into massive self-judgment and scolding when realizing that the food I have been feeding my child is not as good as I thought it was.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed for having fed my child food that isn’t healthy.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship with making mistakes where I immediately go into massive self-judgment and shame the moment my mistake is revealed to me, causing me to in turn go into massive suppression to not have to ‘suffer’ from my own scolding – and so disconnect myself from my awareness to not have to face myself in/as self-judgment and scolding.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make it impossible for myself to learn from my mistakes because I immediately go into such judgment and self-blame that I suppress the mistake and even go into a suppressed state of living in relation to other parts of myself – all so that I don’t have to suffer from my own self-judgment, causing myself even more harm in the process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of self-punishment when I make a mistake that I judge and blame myself for, where I start treating myself and my body in a punishing way of not doing what is best for me but resort to past addictions and habits that I associate with being in that state of self-punishment and suppression.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not create a wholesome relationship with myself in making mistakes where I can face myself and face my mistakes with clarity and self-honesty and gentleness – and immediately and simply move into finding solutions and corrections as well as understanding why I made the mistake in the first place.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feed my child with a particular type of food simply because I saw other parents feeding their children with this food and considered them to be “proper” parents and so didn’t even question or consider the nutritional value of this food for myself because I blindly assumed that if other parents give their child this food, it must be ok.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of internal conflict towards whether to emphasize what is considered ‘healthy food’ or whether to be more relaxed about the food that my child eats, not judge certain foods as unhealthy – where I experience that both approaches are flawed in that one isn’t flexible and the other has the potential of trusting information that isn’t reliable – in which case I realize that I have the ability to make assessments for myself based on common sense in the moment, something that I’ve not dared to trust myself with until now.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold and hang on to a definition of myself as being someone who can’t be trusted to care for a body or provide a body with proper nutrition and so hold onto a judgment of me that keeps me in a limited position of agency – because I then have to rely on the information of others which I see as flawed, exactly because it’s not me having done the research myself and made decisions based on common sense and a holistic perspective on the body and on food.
When and as I see that I am judging myself for a mistake I’ve made where I feel that intense regret and blame towards myself, I stop myself, move myself to gentleness and understanding and drop the judgment so that I can see the mistake for what it is – and instead move to focus on a solution.
I realize that with my current relationship with mistakes, I’ve made it impossible for myself to correct my mistakes and as such I have ‘doomed’ myself to cycle in the same mistakes over and over – which is not what I want to live or model to my child.
I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and for my mistakes, to instead implement gentleness, understanding and self-acceptance in relation to mistakes – and not judge myself for not being perfect.
I commit myself to work on trusting myself through doing proper research and investigation on what foods are supportive for my and my child’s bodies.