In this blog post we are digging deeper into the fear of being ridiculed and laughed at that we touched upon in the last blog post. In this blog post I will focus on bringing the point of responsibility back to myself rather than remaining in blame towards those who has ridiculed me – or who I perceived as ridiculing me – and through self-forgiveness I will release the relationship I’ve created towards the memory and experience of feeling ridiculed and laughed at and through self-commitments I will prepare the way before me so as to prevent myself from reacting when seeing someone laughing perceivably at me.
In the last post I outlined a list of the specific points that had emerged through the writing, so I will move through these point by point as I progress with self-forgiveness and self-corrective/commitment statements.
1) Taking perceived ridicule personally and blaming the person ridiculing
2) Defining myself according to ridicule as small and stupid
3) Becoming furious and feeling desperate towards ridicule
4) Deliberately ridiculing others to bring them down
5) Deliberately adopting a specific humor and style to avoid ridicule
6) Suppressing my self-expression to avoid ridicule
7) Defining myself as a serious and sensitive person
1. Taking perceived ridicule personally and blaming the person ridiculing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personally if/when someone is laughing while I am in a ‘serious mode’ where I immediately activate a series of reactions within and as me pr. Automation within and as an experience/belief/acceptance that that is how I’m supposed to feel and experience myself when someone is laughing at me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not question the fact that me being serious in the context of when I react to someone perceivably laughing at me as a ‘mode’ and thereby a ‘mood’ and thereby a mind possession where I am thus only reacting and taking the laughter personally because I am holding onto my mood and don’t want it to be disturbed by laughter or lightness
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself and admit to myself that the reason why I’m reacting and taking it personally when someone laughs when I am already in a ‘mood’ is because I actually feel threatened to risk losing my energetic state of mind possession if I were to allow myself to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation because that would actually be me acting in opposition to the mind and literally stepping out of the mind in that moment
(Just a side note: I’m not here talking about those moments where one is for example innocently expressing oneself and then someone would deliberately mock you – that’s a different situation that I will walk self-forgiveness in relation to at a later stage)
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret – deliberately and as such manipulate and deceive myself through misinterpretation of another’s expression and reason for laughing – in that they’re actually standing as a point of support in showing me the ridiculousness of the situation – but where I’ve deliberately decided that they’re being mean and sarcastic and spiteful and then accordingly with drama have moved myself into what I believed to be an appropriate reaction of feeling humiliated and hurt and blaming the other person and feeling victimized – all the while it was a show I put on deliberately so that I could remain within and as my mind-possession with the single purpose of generating energy
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with/within/as the mind to the point where I’ve merged myself with the mind so that when a thought comes up in my mind I believe it to be reality not realizing how I am like busy following a ‘mad man’s fuzzy logic’ and convincing myself that it is common sense, while the practical reality evidence clearly speak the opposite to be true, in terms of how I become hysterical and anxious and can go as far as going into a panic attack based on the fear of being laughed that I activated but that didn’t have anything substantial to do with the situation of another laughing besides it being a similar memory that I could use to manipulate myself to go into a mind-possession
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how just because I am entangled in/as/within the mind, it doesn’t mean that I am not responsible for the mind and it doesn’t mean that the mind is responsible for me – because I am the source origin of the mind and therefore the mind is my responsibility and not the other way around – even though that seems very far away right now in how I’ve abdicated myself to the mind and I’ve been living in this delusion of trusting the mind to take responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow a reaction of panic and fear and feeling hurt and humiliated within and as myself when I hear/see/experience someone laughing when I am being serious. I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand how I’ve actually harmed and abused myself and my physical body when I deliberately deceived and manipulated myself into reacting, not at all in any way caring about how that reaction would affect my human physical body because I only cared about myself and my self-interest of simply getting energy as life-force to make me feel alive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to remain loyal to the mind – in the sense that I didn’t stop participating in the reaction but instead went along and went into it, even when and as I saw what reacting was doing to my physical body in terms of intense stomach ache
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do to my body just because I’ve affiliated myself with/within/as the mind in a cowardice of and laziness to standing up within/as myself as life-force substance
Self-Commitment and Corrective Statements
When and as I am in a discussion/argument with another and I see and hear that the other person is laughing, in that moment I breathe. Within this I direct myself to prevent myself from reacting and when and as I see the mind-movement within me within and as a moment of hesitation, I simply stop myself and through breathing and physical awareness stabilize myself here. Within this I commit myself to push the point within and as myself of being able to laugh with the other person and actually laugh myself out of the reaction – and enable myself to not take myself so seriously so that I can actually allow myself to be supported by the laughter as a bridge where I allow the other person to assist me and then I can apply the point of laughing myself out of reaction as well myself. I commit myself to stop taking myself so seriously through deliberately applying laughter in situations where I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into a ‘serious mode’. I commit myself to stop manipulating and deceiving myself into a reaction through deliberately taking it seriously when another laughs at me and through equating the laughter with situations of actual and unacceptable ridicule that I then superimpose onto the current situation and make myself react based on an idea/belief of how one is supposed to react when being ridiculed. I see, realize and understand that a reaction is never a proper response to an unacceptable situation and therefore I commit myself to stop using reactions and stop believing that I can use reactions as a way to deal with and direct unacceptable situations. I see, realize and understand that I’ve superimposed actual ridicule onto the situation with taking things too seriously deliberately as a manipulation tactic against myself from within and as the mind – through my direct endorsement and participation in and as the mind. I see, realize and understand that I’ve harmed and abused my physical body through accepting and allowing myself to be loyal to the mind and through not questioning or stopping the mind when and as I saw what reacting was doing to my physical body. I see, realize and understand that I as the mind is like a mad man of delusion that is obsessed with gaining more and more live-energy and that there’s absolutely no real logic or common sense to the common sense of the mind. Therefore I commit myself to stop being loyal to the mind – and I understand that this will be a process to walk through because I’ve entangled myself and merged myself within/as the mind. So I commit myself to push myself to the utmost of self-honesty as I write these blogs and self-forgiveness. And I commit myself to write self-commitment statements that I can immediately apply myself according to that is practical and direct and simply, so that I have a solid point of stability to walk from/within/as, as embark upon the journey of walking out of the mind and into myself as life.
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In the next post we will continue walking the self-forgiveness process.