In this blog I am continuing with the mind–movement character that I started writing out on DAY 159 . I have realized that the mind-movement character is not a character as such but more a pattern or a particular mind-component. With this I mean also that this point of moving oneself from/within/as the mind in fact pertains to the mind in its entirety. I mean everything we do that is based in/on/as the mind such as thinking or fantasizing for example, is the mind ‘moving’. It is then also within and as the mind that we move in the physical. Therefore I’ve also realized that this point is quite humongous and a point that is relevant in any point one would write about – the point where one would move with/within/as the mind instead of moving oneself here in the physical basically. I will write the final parts of the mind-movement character in the coming few blogs and after that I will incorporate the point of moving oneself within and as the mind into my general writings. When and as relevant I will return to the specifics of the mind-movement character’s time-line that I’ve written out in more detail.
For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:
- I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170
- Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166
- Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165
- Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving-in-and-Giving-up Pattern: DAY 164
- Confessions of a Child: Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character: DAY 163
- Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162
- CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161
- Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160
- The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159
The alternative is that we die – or so we believe
whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as myself here in the physical in and as my physical body through/because I started moving myself within and as the mind as a survival strategy/mechanism based on how I interpreted my own reaction to my environment and within that turned against my own body and blamed my body for my experience of discomfort and fear as I started feeling energy inside myself
I am the worst enemy to my own survival
I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I experienced energetic reactions of fear and discomfort inside myself – or actually it was not even fear defined at first, it was simply energy – and I experienced it as an intense physical pressure or invasion on my body similar to how one would react to hearing a loud sharp sound that feels like it is penetrating one’s body – that’s how I felt, so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and experience my body as an enemy because it was IN the body I was experiencing the discomfort and it was because I was IN the body that I could not move myself away from the experience – instead of realizing, seeing and understanding how I was totally and completely misunderstanding what was going on, as I had already separated myself from myself as the physical and was busy identifying myself as consciousness. This I realize is no different from how I today will look for physical/external solutions to my inner experiences such as moving myself away or using consumption to suppress
Making the Choice to indulge in the world
And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through how I created the mind-movement pattern, to have created a relationship with the physical – both with my environment and with my body of exploiting and abusing the physical, where I saw the physical’s only function as how I could use it to alter and manipulate how I experienced myself inside of myself and how I had come to be suspicious and disconnected from actually being and living here in the physical. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide inside my mind, in and through splitting myself into pieces and compartmentalized individualities through thinking
Demoting myself to non-existent
And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the physical external reality is to blame for how I experience myself inside myself and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience my physical body as a traitor and as weak and inferior and that the mind is powerful and trustworthy in how I’ve been able to use the mind to ‘get away from’ experiences I did not want to experience – never seeing, realizing or understanding how I was creating those experiences in the mind to begin with and how the actual real solution was in fact in the physical.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to annihilate the physical, my body and the environment because that was where I experienced the experiences I did not want to feel – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was experiencing those experiences in the physical body because the physical body is who I am and therefore who I allow myself to be, that which I identify myself as through acceptance and allowance is what I will experience in and as my physical body and as such the physical body is completely innocent as the body is my expression of that which I accept as myself and the body does not exist separate from me. And so in my separating myself from the experiences I was creating inside me as I reacted to my environment, I turned against myself in blaming parts of myself that I was separating myself from
I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I decided to turn against myself as the physical and in reacting to the physical to decide to move myself into the world as that which I perceive as the source of my reactions because I could not stand the experiences inside myself and I could not move myself away from them physically and so I made a ‘can’t beat them, join them’ type of survival move where I turned my attention towards my external reality and away from my own physical body and simultaneously also into an inner mental reality
What I want from the Mind is Life
that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I will get out of denying myself as the physical and giving myself into the mind and the external reality is in fact life as I understood the alternative to be agony and darkness inside my physical body, when in fact everything is completely in reverse and the agony I experience is in fact what I’ve done with myself as life, as darkness through my surrendering of myself to the mind and therefore the only way ‘out’ is through the consequence of who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become
My People are My World
I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I ‘got out’ of my inner discomfort and darkness and discovered other people to experience these people as my saviors and almost as angels that took me away from the abyss – not seeing, realizing or understanding that what I was experiencing was not safety or security or love or the wonders of life, but merely a momentary absence of my actual experience of myself – that, even though I suppressed it, was still the bottom of me
How I defined Mind-Movement as Life
But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I pushed my body away I automatically also pushed nature away because in nature we face ourselves as physical, in silence, darkness, physical movement – so ‘the world’ was ONLY that which is endorsed by and reflecting the mind, the primary points being emotional relationships with others and consumption both with the purpose of generating energy.
And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that I want the world, I want relationships and to push that and experience that as something positive that I’ve focused my entire life on – when the fact of the matter is that my starting point was to escape my actual experience of myself – to get away from something. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how all positive experiences I’ve had was in fact nothing but the ‘absence’ of negativity.
(To be continued)
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