In this post I’ll be exploring this ‘thing’ I have about wanting to be seen/adored/recognized, to want to impress others, and although its been with me since I was a child, it is time that I get to the bottom of it and let it go, because I see that it’s hindering me to fully step into the next phase of my life. One of the aspects of this has to do with being willing to be ‘ugly’ and ‘unpopular’ and to stand totally behind my own message without compromising for the sake of impressing others.
So one of the things I’ve noticed in relation to the desire to be seen/adored/recognized, is that it partly stems from my own childhood, and my relationship with my mother, but there is even a generational pattern, that I recognize from my mother and grandmother, that has to do with feeling like we, in our family, have a ‘chip’ on our shoulders, like we’re not ‘fancy’ enough. I could imagine that it goes back multiple generations. And so there’s a need to overcompensate, because there’s a belief that I’m inherently not good enough, that I am an ‘bad apple’.
It is also a convenient program installment to be placed into a person who is as free as I am, because it successfully prevents me from living the full capacity of my being, which may be scary and provoking and which may piss people off. But as long as I am concerned about people ‘liking’ me, I won’t ever take it too far, and that means that it’s safe for the matrix, to not threaten its firewalls. And I’m basically then perpetuating and signaling to everyone else that they too shouldn’t express fully, and as such I contribute to upholding the status quo.
I’ve found it frustrating that I still have this ‘thing’ in me, that tries to impress others, and get others to see me. It has embarrassed me, because it is so obvious to me when others do it, how they try to come off as more, but it is so obvious to everyone around them, that they are feeling insecure and inferior. And I’ve struggled to understand why it’s still ‘in me’, because my sense of self-worth has significantly increased over the past few years. I know that I don’t have any reason to want to be seen as more than I am. I am already enough.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed and ashamed because I try to impress others and show them I am more, when I know very well that the signature that this behavior exposes, is one of feeling less than and inferior, and that people often react to it, which interestingly enough, the fact that I am concerned about this and feel embarrassed is clearly showing an insecurity within me, where I inferiorize myself in relation to other people and worry about what they think about me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of mind, as a mental holding cell of self-limitation and diminishment, where I worry about what others think of me, and desperately try to get them to like me, because I believe that I am dependent on making others like me for my survival in this world.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I connect with people through my being and through my heart, I yield results and support that is transformative, fundamental and substantial in a whole different way, than when I try to please them and coddle them into doing what I want, through being likable.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a habit of saying things to impress people when I feel awkward and disconnected from them, in affect, disconnecting myself even further from them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for trying to impress others, feeling like I shouldn’t still have this behavioral pattern in me, when the fact of the matter is that there must still be a part of me that feels so small that it needs to assert itself as more than it is
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compensate for my shortcomings of being overweight and of being (feeling, really) socially awkward, and essentially thinking and believing that there’s something wrong with me in the core of my being, that means that others will reject and hate me and won’t want to play with me (yes that’s how my mind phrases it)
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think as a child that there’s something wrong with me, because I don’t fit in in the groups I’m apart of and because I’m seeing them from ‘underneath’ which makes it difficult for me to engage fully as I’m equally observing and perceiving myself, creating a double analysis situation which makes me feel awkward and unnatural because I cannot effectively participate in play with other children, as I’m always conscious of myself and of the dynamics taking place between the children
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my own nature, to take it personal and judge myself for being on the outside and feeling awkward, thinking that this makes me wrong
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child deceive myself into believing that ‘the world/society’ IS what it presents itself to be, and so that there must be something wrong with me to not fit in, and so I must try to be better, because I find it scary and daunting to trust what I see, and question the nature of the dynamics going on between people and in groups
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, feel utterly alone and isolated and cut off, because I don’t see or experience anyone else seeing the world as I do, and instead of approaching myself with love and integrity, turn it inwards towards myself, judge myself and hate myself for being ‘off’, not seeing that this is in fact one of my greatest gifts and something to be honored and cherished
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, deliberately convince myself to trust what I see as the two-D/three-D reality in front of me that is presented by and interpreted through the mind, and so believe that everyone else is normal, because they’re appearing to have no trouble interacting in an effective way with one another, not realizing or considering that others could equally be seeing me that way as I’ve always agreed to pretend and to act according to the normalized and agreed upon interaction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to wanting to show others how smart I am, how wise, and brilliant, because it gives me a buzz and a thrill inside my body to show off, and even more when I do get the validation that I’m longing for, not realizing that this is nothing more than an addiction to an energetic ‘high’, where I’m trying to get to a point of self-worth and being comfortable in myself and accepting myself and feeling at home in myself through getting others to like me, but because its based on projections and externalized energy, its merely an experience and doesn’t substantiate in the body, and therefore I have to get a ‘fix’ again and again to generate the experience of feeling good and worthy inside myself, instead of actually focusing on developing a real sense of worth, and making a real home of myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and develop a survival strategy and then a game out of getting others to like me and accept me, and even adore and admire me throughout these years, in an attempt to get away from feeling awkward and wrong and embarrassed about myself because I don’t fit in.
I commit myself to stop myself when I feel the need to impress, as I realize that this behavior has become addictive, and that I need to stop myself at a physical level.
I commit myself to embrace and accept myself in my glorious ‘out of the box’ness, without seeing myself as better or more than others, and to humble myself every time I see that I am going into specialness or superiority within me, to remind myself that this is simply me finally opening myself up to my gift, and while it’s totally ok for me to celebrate and cherish that, it doesn’t mean that everyone else isn’t equally awesome. It simply means that they are on their own time-line, in their own process, and I have a responsibility to help them discover and develop their gifts, as I have opened up to mine.
I commit myself to pay attention to where I am at and how I am feeling inside myself when I walk into group situations or interaction type situations because I realize that this is when my need to impress is triggered the most, and to do SF on any awkwardness that comes up, and make sure that I stay connected with myself and with my own integrity of being who I am.
I commit myself to pay attention to my interaction with people online where I most often express myself in writing, which is one of my strengths, and to stop myself as soon as I see that I am going into that energetic ‘buzz’ of feeling more than, and ask myself if I’m expressing just to impress people and whether what I’m saying is relevant.
I commit myself to honor my need to share and connect with the world and with others, and to turn something that has been a weakness into a strength, through keep sharing myself openly and vulnerably and to continue to develop my own relationship with myself, and my seeing of the undercurrents of human interaction and to direct them accordingly, to be best for all.
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