In this blog I am going to prescribe self-corrective and self-commitment statements on the fear of being here that I wrote about on day 148. Before I was about to write this blog, I could see the possibility of me just writing out self-commitment statements without actually walking them. And then I considered simply not writing it out and writing about something else.
Because the point is that this is a pattern (the constant moving about to not have to be here) that I’ve been very stuck in however I also see that the resistance to walking actual self-commitment which is an obvious resistance to change. Because this pattern is a clear cut self-sabotage and self-defense mechanism, so obviously such a pattern would be protected by the mind, for example through fear of losing it and resistance. So I will focus on here writing actual self-commitment and correction statements through which I commit myself to in fact change. Otherwise the entire point is a self-deceptive circus of bullshit through which one is believing oneself to be deceiving others so as to ‘keep face’ while actually it is one oneself one is deceiving just prolonging the point of facing oneself while creating completely unnecessary consequences.
If you’ve not yet read the posts in the series, here they are:
So – here I go:
When and as I see that I am experiencing an ‘urge’ to move myself when I am sitting and working on the computer, where a thought pops up as an image of something to do or consume that is not HERE through which I would trigger a desire as an ‘urge’ to move myself that I’ll either immediately or quickly act upon – I stop participating in the thought. I breathe and I remain here. I don’t suppress the experience, instead I allow myself to breathe through it, embracing it. I commit myself to push myself to remain here and to only move when I no longer experience an urge as an energetic ‘itch’ to move, and I am satisfied that I am moving myself here in and as self-movement and self-expression
When and as I experience an urge to move myself while I am busy with something specific that does not require me to move away and where there is no practical reason for me to move, as an experience of an energetic ‘itch’ that I have identified as fear – I stop and I breathe through the experience. I see, realize and understand that fearing and resisting my own fear won’t make it go away because I have done that for years, playing mouse with myself and all that has happened is that the urge has grown stronger and my following it has become more intense. So I commit myself to face my fear – firstly through embracing the urge to move myself by not moving but instead remaining here breathing and secondly through that allow myself to embrace the experience of fear of being here as myself in my physical body.
When and as I see that I have already moved myself away from what I am participating with here, where I see that I’ve already triggered and followed the urge – I stop and I breathe and I simply direct myself back to the point at hand that I am working with. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been in such moments justifying remaining ‘moved away’ through which I’ve actually looped for several days of avoiding that which I am required to do and responsible for and I see, realize and understand how this can lead to an entire life of avoiding myself through continuously running away from myself. I commit myself to support myself through making agreements with myself of directing myself to move – especially here in the beginning where I am stopping the pattern, so as to allow myself to change slowly but surely as I see, realize and understand that I’ve become addicted to constant moving myself and so I see that if I make agreements of directing myself to move I can utilize this as a bridge of support to stop the pattern.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat as making excuses and justifications to move myself where I am literally trying to convince myself in my head through talking to myself saying stuff like: “well, it is just…”, “I am just going to…” – I stop participating in the backchat. And I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using justification backchat to convince myself because I know that what I am doing is self-dishonest and so through the justification backchat I’ve ‘washed my conscience clean’ so that I could deceive myself into continuing running away from myself through moving myself from HERE. And so I commit myself to stop creating, participating in and endorsing this backchat of justification because I now see, realize and understand that all I’ve been doing is to deliberately deceive myself so as to not face my fear of being here – which is my fear of myself and thereby I’ve been preventing myself deliberately from actually being HERE and from actually getting to know myself.
I will continue in my next post.
Thank you for walking with!
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