There is a part of my mind, and maybe in yours too, that is like sitting on a high horse of moral superiority, a queen in her ivory tower looking down at the mobs of people with despise. There is a part of me that can become cruel and harsh and spiteful – all justified from up above this ivory tower of judgment and elitism, where I believe myself to be inherently right, inherently better and that I therefore have a prerogative – and obligation even – to take people down, expose them to their weakness, destroy their opinions – all to apparently help them better themselves, all the while I raise myself up on a pedestal in my mind.
What I have found is that when we think we are better than others, we tend to also believe that we have a right, a privilege and an obligation to make decisions on their behalf – because we think we know better. This happens in parental relationships, between rich and poor countries, between friends and partners.
So in my case, I have noticed this side of myself coming up in moments where I have ideas about what ‘common sense’ is, what ‘norms’ are and ‘how things should be’, where I assume that I am simply right and that others are not only wrong – but also wrong for being wrong.
So why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to belittle and demolish others and their opinions? Often it stems from a deep insecurity, inferiority and dissatisfaction within ourselves – and from what I have experienced, it is often in those times where I am the harshest with myself, that I will also be harsh with others. So the two goes hand in hand. What is ironic is that when one is feeling insecure and inferior, it doesn’t actually help to raise oneself up by breaking others down – but within the mind, in the moment one does it, it feels good and it feels like one is being raised – but it is an illusion.
The cure as I have found it, to this personality system is to be/live the exact opposite of what this character stands for, namely humbleness, consideration, embracing self and others unconditionally, allowing myself to be vulnerable.
Then, the opposite of this coin is when we go into inferiority and here I had an interesting experience last week where I was feeling less-than someone else and was feeling insecure and because of that I was very preoccupied with ‘improving’ myself and ‘doing my best’ in the context of a new thing I had to do that I was quite nervous about.
What ended up happening was that I completely disregarded to be considerate towards another because I was completely immersed in my own inferiority and I did not at all consider them or what they might need, because I was so stuck in feeling less-than them – that I actually behaved in a way that wasn’t supportive for them because I had been focusing only improving myself. This was a cool wake-up call and made me consider this point of how, when I allow myself to go into inferiority, I am actually robbing both myself and others of the full potential of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become judgmental, and to justify me being judgmental within a starting-point of accepting myself as superior to another, where I believe that I know better than them, and therefore my judgment is justified/appropriate, not realizing how this is a pattern I’ve copied from adults as a child through the inequality of the adult/child relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about judging another, because I feel superior to them and believe that I am automatically right because of it and because in judging them and making them less than me, I experience myself being validated in my superiority, even though I am the one validating it for myself, at the expense of another person
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when I am being judgmental and spiteful towards another person, from within a state of superiority because I feel like I have a right and an obligation to tear them down, to break them down, to show them the weakness in their perspective, how wrong they are – and that they are wrong for being wrong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I am doing the right thing when I cast my judgments of superiority upon another by justifying to myself that I am doing them a favor because I am right and they are wrong and they need to be educated on what is right because it is wrong to be wrong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that there is something wrong with being wrong and with making mistakes and that the person doing it is deliberately responsible and therefore acting stupidly or malignantly because I believe that “they should know better”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy this belief from adults in my childhood who would get so mad at me or judge me when I did something that they thought I should have known better than to not do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use superiority as a way to deal with my experience of inferiority, as a way that I believe I can ‘get out of’ my inferiority and so by, putting others down, will raise myself up from the little and less-than I believe and accept myself to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the premise of inferiority and superiority as something that I can be when I in fact realize and understand that these are emotional experiences and constructs in the mind based on the mind’s rules of competition and specialness – where the mind cannot possibly fathom or accept the possibility of equality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself in inferiority to such an extent that I become egotistical and only can think about improving and bettering myself (raising myself from the ‘low/fallen’ position I believe myself to be in) and in the process, completely disregard other people
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as long as I accept myself as inferior or superior I cannot be equal to another – which I am in fact – because I see other people only in context to my inferiority or superiority, as ‘extras’ in my mind’s game of polarity – and that I can only consider and care about others if I am in alignment and are balanced within me, knowing who I am and standing by/with/within myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage a relationship with another person and thereby also my opportunity to learn from them and grow from their example, by making and accepting myself as inferior to them – and as inferior in general – because all my focus then goes to judging myself, belittling myself and simultaneously trying to raise myself from my position of inferiority
When and as I see myself becoming harsh, as indicated by my lips tightening into a line and my eyes becoming wide and stiff within and as a state of superiority and judgment of looking down on another or myself – I stop and I take a breath. I realize that this is the elitist mind kicking in and that it is based on me believing that the other person is doing/saying/thinking/being something wrong that I have learned growing up is wrong and I am therefore treating them as I was treated as a child to teach them a lesson AND/OR I am in a state of inferiority attempting to raise myself up within my ego by bringing another person down. I realize that when I go into this state and when I justify wanting to break others down because what they are doing/saying/being is wrong, I am in fact being abusive and that this can potentially have damming consequences for another person which is not acceptable and I wouldn’t want someone else to treat me this way.
When and as I see myself becoming insecure, inferior, and feeling less-than another as indicated by me thinking about how to become better and talking to people about it in a nervous, insecure way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I go into this state whenever I have compared myself to an ideal of who/how I believe I am supposed to be like instead of simply embracing whatever I am facing in unconditional self-support. I also realize that when I go into this state, I become egotistical because I only think about myself and how I can improve myself and I disregard others because I believe that my inferiority is more important than them.
I commit myself to stop accepting myself as either superior or inferior. I realize that when I go into either of these states, it is because I am out of alignment with the balance of myself and I commit myself to focus on becoming balanced within me when I do see myself going into either of these states. I commit myself to stop accepting myself as either superior or inferior to other people (or to ideas in my mind) and I commit myself to instead develop myself in and as equality with others, where I support them as I support myself to grow and develop my full potential.
We can’t fully appreciate and rejoice in the wonder of another person’s unique expression and being, unless we first rejoice in our own. As long as there is lack of self-confidence and self-trust, we will focus so much on presenting and raising ourselves above the little we believe we are, that we have no capacity to celebrate the wonder in another.