As mentioned in the previous blogs, I have recently started walking through the point of ‘deschooling’ myself from behavioral patterns I integrated as a child, behavioral patterns that for whatever reason has affected me and my environment in inexpedient ways.
Here are some of the blogs I’ve written previously in this series for context:
Taking Responsibility For Our Inner Parents. 345
Self-Empowerment Through Principled Living. DAY 342Redefining The Word: MUST. DAY 341Radical Self-Unschooling. DAY 340Reconnecting With The Physical Body: DAY 274
The Body is a Temple… Where We Worship the Mind: DAY 27
Self-Respect for The Physical Body: DAY 269
Something that I in particular have been working with is the point of polarization between that which I have to do and that which I prefer/want to do. Working with children on a daily basis I see how these types of polarities extensively impact their lives. There are so many things they have to do, are not allowed to do, should do and for many it creates consequences because they are so governed by emotional reactions that there is no room to make principled decisions.
So what I have seen is that to intervene and reprogram these imprudent behavioral patterns that are created through how we polarized activities and responsibilities into positives and negatives, principled living is the solution.
With making decisions based on principles we raise ourselves above and beyond immediate experiences of desires and fears, resistances and urges, which means that we can rise above something that we feel like doing within seeing the bigger picture and potential consequences of our actions in a much larger scale than just our own limited mind-body relationship – and from there, make a different decision of who we’re gonna be/how we’re gonna act.
Unfortunately many of us are raised to going with our ‘gut’, which has been misunderstood and abused to mean to “do what you feel like” and “don’t do it if you don’t feel like it”. It is misunderstood because we cannot trust our emotions and feelings, because within doing so, we only care about ourselves and our own immediate satisfaction, not considering the consequences for ourselves or others. Instead, our ‘gut’ ought to be our self-honesty and our ability to look at things within a larger (and even existential) context and based on that, make sound decisions that are best for us, and so best for all
In my life and in my process in particular, this has been a challenge. Because while I was not raised religiously in any way, I was certainly raised to trust my emotions and feelings above all else, even though it wasn’t something that was explicitly taught to me. There was on the other hand also never any talk about living principled and so this is something that I have to teach myself as I walk this process.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I make decisions based on how I feel, I am in fact only thinking about myself and my own self-interest, which is in fact the interest of the mind and so, in that moment when I make that decision, I don’t even exist, only the mind exist – as I accept and identify myself as the mind through responding to and acting upon that which comes within the mind as ‘who I am’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the point with principled living is not to teach me to do things I don’t want to do because “its the right thing to do” from a polarized perspective where I’ve defined it as something negative that takes me away from my desired/preferred way of living – the point with principled living is to rise above – or rather beyond – the mind as self-interest, and to see and identify myself as existing in a larger context, as something more than the mind here, isolated and limited to my own little existence where all that matters is my immediate stimuli and experience, where I place myself in an existential context of making decisions based on a bigger picture, where my decisions are based on what is best for all, as all of existence and of myself as the potential of life to be born from the physical
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to polarize ‘principled living’ in my mind as negative through associating it with ‘the right thing to do’ that I as a child per definition defined as ‘boring’ and ‘forced upon me’ and as a loss of freedom and fun and enjoyment – where I didn’t realize or consider the commonsense that was also inherent in many of the things that adults said were the right thing to do, but because the point was already polarized by the adults (because it was already polarized within them too) and because it wasn’t always commonsensical, the point of living principled as in doing what is best for me and so best for all, became ‘tainted’ with polarity and as such became something I deliberately resisted and steered away from
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to polarize acting on feelings and urges as something inherently positive, because it was when I acted on my inner experiences as a child, where I deliberately defied and went against what the adults said was the right thing to do, that I felt free and unrestrained and that I was having fun and enjoyed myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, in my mind, only see and define defying adults as something that’s fun and freeing and that I’ve deliberately censored and selected my memories to not remember and recall the consequences I created for myself and for others by acting only on my own feelings and emotions, such as for example getting tremendous bellyaches from eating sweets I wasn’t supposed to eat or taking money from my mother’s purse which created consequences in her life that I didn’t consider or care about because I was so consumed with doing what I wanted or how I felt guilty and diminished my self-integrity whenever I went against my own self-honesty, just because I had a feeling come up within me to do something
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize and admit to myself the power of making decisions, in how making a decision about who I am, how I am going to live, how I’m going to change how I see/approach things/situations is the foundation from which I solicit change within and outside of myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to live principled, where I base my actions based on principles, as the principle of what is best for all, the principle of self-honesty, the principle of oneness and equality, the principle of all things interconnectedness, the principle of ‘give as you would like to receive’ – over basing my actions on emotional/energetic experiences, is a decision, it is not something that’s going to happen as an outflow or by itself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive and delude myself into thinking that when I have changed a pattern/point one time, it stands forever and no longer require my directive principle, when reality has showed me that while I am walking the implementation of a realization, meaning where I have not yet manifested the realization as an absolute decision of how I am, I require being diligent and constant in integrating the new application – because of the fact that I’ve lived certain habits/patterns for so long that it has become my default mechanism to revert back to them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to live principled and to make a decision to live principle because of commitments I have made in the past that I didn’t live, not realizing that a real commitment, a real decision is something that stands – and as such I haven’t actually made a real commitment or a real decision, even when a point of falling emerges based on the understanding that because I’ve lived according to certain default patterns of behavior for a very long time, it may take time and a process to change – but that doesn’t mean I can’t change now or that it is then justifiable to simply not change
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on certain points of change, within and as accepting and justifying to myself that my default patterns of behavior are simply ‘too strong’ or that I’m not yet ‘ready to change’ or that I’m ‘still processing’ the point of changing – not realizing that the point of giving up on myself is in fact one of these specific behavioral patterns that I require intervening on through making a principled decision to change
When and as I see that I am inclined to gravitate towards a default mechanism/behavioral pattern that I have seen/decided is not best for all, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that when following this behavior I am 1) only thinking about myself in my own little limited existence and am thus not considering/caring about the consequences of my actions on a larger/existential context and 2) that ‘existence’ is an existence of the mind, where I don’t exist as anything but the mind and as such I’m abdicating myself here as the potential of life.
I realize that I’ve created a resistance towards certain behavioral actions where I must decide to live principled rather than based on experience because I am still accepting and allowing myself to identify/accept myself as the mind, and as such, based on past experiences as a child in regards to polarization between ‘musts’ and ‘wants’ I have made principled decisions ‘negative’ in my mind and decisions based on experiences ‘positive’.
I realize that, because I’ve so extensively emerged and identified myself within/as emotional and energetic experiences, it does for a moment feel ‘unnatural’ to make a decision to ‘go against’ that which I feel and to make a decision based on a principled assessment of potential consequences and play-outs
I realize that I have the responsibility – and the power – to change what is natural to/as me, as ‘natural’ in this context refers to my ‘state of being’ – that which I consistently experience and accept myself as, and since principled living is something entirely new to me, it is going to take consistent self-application to create myself in such a way where principled living becomes my natural state of being
I commit myself to stop accepting default mechanisms/patterns of behavior as automatic and I commit myself to stop identifying myself with/within/as an emotional/energetic experience first and foremost. I commit myself to stop defining energetic/emotional experiences as positive and principled decisions as negative. I commit myself to push myself to be consistent in my application of living principled as I now understand that I have to keep walking this integration and change and it is not something I can just let go of, even though I’ve had ‘successes’ and let it ‘take care of itself’ – that would be separation and abdication of responsibility and I commit myself to take responsibility for creating myself as a principled being, where living principles becomes my natural state of being and not something I react towards through accepting the mind as who I am.
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