Reality check: DAY 14

Tags

7 year Journey to Life, blogs, Desteni, Destonians, Reality check, What I do is who I am, Who I am, Who I am is what I do

I have been reading blogs from the Destonians blog in the 7 year journey to life  and I must say that I have never in my life read anything as supportive and self-honest as these blogs. I am grateful beyond words for the blogs that are being written and would like to take this opportunity to say thank you! I have added excerpts from some of the blogs I have read today below my writing that assisted me immensely.

For today’s writing, I gave myself a reality check.  I had written an entire writing that I did not post yesterday because it was not finished and that I then muddled over all day today in terms of how to “bring the point through” within myself. It was not effective. So what I did instead was to read these blogs of other Destonians and that assisted me. In fact I experienced that some of the blogs were written for me. If you have not yet heard about the 7 year journey to Life, I suggest checking it out here.

So, for today’s blog I will leave the point I have been writing about aside for tomorrow, to allow myself to do a reality check where I stop for a moment and allow myself to be humble and simply write out what is here. The point I have been looking at lately is how I perceive myself as “who I am” according to “what I do” and how I perceive what I do. This has the result that my experience, perception and definition of myself is unstable, conditioned as it changes with my perception of what I do. So this is what I am here to look at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is what I do that determines who I am, instead of realizing that it is who I am that determines what I do, how I do it and who I am within it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that it is who I am that determines what I do and not what I do that determines who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can change who I am, by changing what I do and how I do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, that if or when I change what I do and how I do it, I will change as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to change who I am, by changing what I do – not realizing that what I do, and whether it is best for all, is determined by who  I am, as who and what I accept and allow myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate changing who I am, by preoccupying myself with attempting to change what I do and how I do it, not realizing that no matter how much I try changing what I do, it will not matter if I don’t change who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself – and value myself – based on what I do believing, experiencing and accepting that how I and others value what I do, is what makes me who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I cannot change who I am, by changing what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my experience, perception, definition, belief and acceptance of who I am, based on what I do – believing that what I do, changes who I am and as such exist in and as instability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, experience, perceive, believe and accept who I am based on my perception and judgment of what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, experience, perceive, believe and accept who I am in relation to others in and as how I perceive myself according to their perceived  valuing of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change what I do, in the hope, wish, desire and believe that it would change who I am, not realizing that what I do, does not matter until or unless ‘who I am’ is standing for what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the “doing” of self-forgiveness means that I am “forgiven”, not realizing that self-forgiveness in fact is a statement of change, of self-realization to take self-responsibility and that if I do not live the responsibility that I have emerged through self-honesty, I have written self-forgiveness in vain and in vanity as make myself “appear” as something without actually and in fact change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, judge, define, experience and accept myself as “too far gone”, that it is impossible for me to stand up now – that it is too late, that I have changed too much – instead of seeing and realizing that the reason why I am not changing is because I have not directed myself to change myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that making the decision to change myself, in fact means directing myself in every moment to act accordingly – that the decision to change is not something that happens in the mind as an “intention” but that in fact is a constant living declaration of my decision to change that I can only apply within and as the moment I am faced with/facing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that what I do is determined by who and what I allowed myself to be and as such until I face and direct who I am, as who and what I allow myself to be, what I do is irrelevant from the perspective that I will simply direct myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to effectively direct myself within what I do because I have not allowed myself to stand stable in self-trust within and as who I am determined and directive within the decision to walk and live what is best for all – as stopping that which I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in and as the automated patterns of and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on ideas that I have designed and developed through years of participation into personalities, where my actions are conditioned and limited to live according to these ideas and where I have not actually been living or participating here, because I have been preoccupied in my mind in a delusional reality that I have acted out onto and forced into physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, perceive and believe that I don’t know how to be “who I am” – if I don’t base “who I am” on calculations of ‘profit’ in terms of getting energy from the attention of others or complying with fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that when what I do, is unaligned to what is best for all, and as such unaligned to what is best for me, it is not (necessarily or only) about changing what I do – but about changing the starting-point of who I am and investigate for myself in self-honesty who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and accept myself as, as “who I am”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I am able to change the starting-point of who I am, through directively changing myself in practical application, yet that it is not the practical application that “makes” who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to take self-responsibility for and stand self-responsible for who I am and how who I am affects and influences my world and my reality as all that is here, believing that if I simply “do” and “act” “the part” I will have done “my part” – not realizing that if I do not direct myself to take self-responsibility for who I am in each moment, who I am will be determined by my past acceptances and allowances as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus only on changing what I do and in that seeing that it is what I do that is “the problem” and thus the solution – instead of seeing and realizing that I determine what I do, based on who and what I accept myself as and as such that if I do not directively direct who I am, and self-honestly investigate who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as – I will allow myself to be directed by, as and within self-interest as ego because that is who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and live as

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that if I do not directively direct myself towards and according to what is best for all, I allow myself to direct myself and be directed by self-interest of and as ego and as such as abuse, deception and separation – and therefore I am responsible for the abuse and suffering that exists in the world – whether I direct myself or not, but only by directing myself can I stop and change what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I allow myself to act in ways that is not aligned to what is best for all – and that as such is abusive, deceptive and delusional, then it is because there is something wrong with what I do – believing that I must change what I do – instead of realizing in self-honesty, that it is who I am, as who I allow myself to be, that determines whether what I do, is best for all

I commit myself to investigating who I am in self-honesty as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as in detail and depth until no part of me is here that I am not directively directing

I commit myself to walk a self-directive process of changing who I am, as all points and parts that are not standing for what is best for all and that are existing conditioned to and enslaved to the past

I commit myself to stop attempting to change myself through changing what I do and instead, when and as I see a point where I have allowed myself to live unaligned to what is best for all, to align this point/part/personality as “who I am” to what is best for all, through a self-directive process of changing my starting-point of who I am and through this, change my living application

I commit myself to, when I see that what I do is not aligned to what is best for all, to investigate my starting-point of “who I am” and to take self-responsibility for changing and aligning who I am to what is best for all

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so tacitly define myself as a failure that when opportunities of success came along I would immediately fall back and retract because I had already decided within myself that it was useless to even try, because I was already fucked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the personality design of ‘I am a failure’ and to allow this personality to run on autopilot behind everything that I participated in.” – Lindsay Craver’s Journey to Life Blog.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with the fact that I have been spiteful, manipulative, and ‘evil’ within me and within the relationships I have had in my world where due to the extent to which I had abdicated my own point of caring about myself as life, I extensively abused, manipulated, and deceived others because I regarded ‘others’ with the same disdain and disrespect that I had for myself.” – Joe Kou’s Journey to Life Blog

“I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the thought of “I regret because I’ve missed a chance to…” is a red flag to turn the point back to myself and see the REAL point that I’ve missed which is ME, as a living expression of Life as the Physical due to being occupied in my mind within thoughts, feelings and emotions.” – Maya Harel’s Journey to Life Blog

Visit us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk.

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Lost in The Woods: DAY 9

Tags

Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Destonians, feeling lost, getting lost, Hiking, Lost in the mind, Lost in the woods, mind-possession, Nature Reserve, Walking, Wildlife reserve

I am back from the woods after not having posted a blog for two days. The reason for this is that I had allowed myself to immerse myself in a mind-possession and even though I did write, I could see that I was wanting to post simply to “keep up”. So I stopped. This morning when I woke up, I had had enough of the mind-possession that I had allowed myself to immerse myself in. I asked my partner for assistance and he suggested that I took a walk. So that is what I did. Close by where we live there is a wildlife reserve, so I went there. While I was walking towards the reserve I was very possessed with experiences of anger, frustration, regret and self-pity. So I decided to start speaking it all out, out loud instead of keeping it cooped up “in my head” where I had allowed the thoughts and experiences to roam. So I started speaking to myself and the first thirty minutes I simply yelled and complained. In the beginning I was walking in roads where there were other people, so I kept it down when they passed me, but as I walked into the reserve and onto a path into the woods, there were fewer and fewer people. First I yelled at myself all the things I saw I did wrong. I allowed myself to speak out everything I experienced inside me and not hold back. I wanted to see myself and show myself to myself and as I listened to my own voice I could hear how I was whining and I would agree with myself and then disagree with myself – lol – exactly as one might see or picture a crazy person talking to themselves on the street. But I did it deliberately because I had reached my limit; there was nothing else I could do.

While I was walking I noticed how beautiful the forest was. It was early morning and the sun was coming out and it is spring time, so everywhere around me I could hear birds and see sprouts coming up. I was painfully aware how I was this big stomping mind-possession walking in complete separation from nature – which was one of the points I had become possessed about, after having read some of the other Destonians blogs and seeing that I simply did not match up. I could see everything they said as real and valid, but when I looked at myself and “where I am” I simply did not match up. So I yelled to myself about that and as I walked further and further into the reserve my yelling started changing. I started becoming more brutal and clear in the voice, less cracking from being about to cry and I started experiencing myself becoming furious and angry, but not in a possessed way, simply as I took each step, I became more determined. And I said out loud to myself: “I keep on walking until it is done! I will not turn around or go back until I have spoken everything out and cleared myself, no matter the fuck long I have to walk.” (There was a lot of “fuck” in that conversation.) And so I did, and I talked and I talked and I talked and I kept walking. At some point I started becoming quiet.

I had walked into a new area of the reserve where it was more difficult to walk through. Along the way I walked over fields and streams with little bridges and because it had been raining, it was very muddy with puddles of water everywhere, which I did not have shoes suited for. Now I started going uphill into the deeper forest and it got even muddier. So for a while I simply had to focus on walking and not slipping. At some I started experiencing pain in my hip where I have an injury and I decided to start walking back. But instead of walking on the path, I started walking into the deeper forest to find another path so that I did not have to take the same path back that had been steep and very muddy. As I walked in the deeper forest in the direction I had come from, I had to constantly take alternate routes because there were literal lakes of water everywhere. In the beginning I had not taken note of how I was walking deeper and deeper into the woods. I was still experiencing emotions, but I was not nearly as possessed as I had been when I started.But suddenly I started realizing that I was in fact quite lost. I got a little nervous because I did not bring my phone, but it was warm and it was still early. I simply kept walking in the direction I had come from and soon got back to a place I had been before. But soon again I was lost and this time even more so than the first time, because within having to change my route due to the water puddles, I started getting slightly disorientated. Lol – at some point I looked at the sun and said: “okay at least I know where the sun is” but later I realized that “the sun is moving” because the earth is moving and so I could not trust that either and my navigating skills are definitely not up to date.

At some point I started following a path through the woods with red markings on the trees that I knew to be a hiking route. I figured that at least I would end up somewhere out of the woods and if I was walking entirely in the wrong direction, I could take the bus home or ask for a lift.

As I was walking there, I looked at the predicament I had brought myself in and I saw how being lost in the forest was a cool analogy for how I had lost myself in a mind-possession. In some dream analysis, water is also symbolizing emotions and so it was quite fitting that I was walking in the forest of my mind having to navigate through emotions and find the way through. I started looking at how the forest was not lost in itself, it was simply there – and even though I was somewhat lost, I was still here. I was in this forest and I knew that there had to be a way out of it, if I simply kept walking. So I used this analogy to support myself to look at the practicality of walking out of the mind. So I asked myself: what are you going to do? Are you going to sit down and cry because you are lost in the woods, until it gets dark and you might freeze to death or a wolf will catch your smell and eat you?” No of course not. I was determined to keep walking no matter what until I got out of the forest and I trusted that I would eventually find my way out. What assisted me was the red hiking markings and I looked at their significance as a symbol of guidance in me walking out of the forest of the mind. I realized that the people that have walked here before me have placed those markings after having walked these woods and back again so others can support themselves through the forest. I realized that these markings enabled me to guide myself through the forest, even though no one else was there and I was grateful that they had walked before me and how practical it was that someone had walked this already and could simply leave these markings for someone else to follow.

The markings on the path symbolizes the process of application in writing, breathing and applying self-forgiveness and specifically the structure of the Desteni I Process – because in that, we are guided by those that have walked the same path before us, through the wilderness of the mind. They don’t have to necessarily walk next to us, to assist us with guiding ourselves and in the end; it is us who have to walk ourselves through the wilderness.

So I kept walking and I slowly stopped being scared of being lost and I slowed down and allowed myself to enjoy being in the woods. Soon I came to a sign that pointed me in the right direction and as I started the walk home, I could see that I was still not satisfied or clear within me. I still experienced a residue of emotions. I saw that I was expecting myself to have a “sense” of clarity, meaning that I was supposed to “feel it” and from having gone from an extreme negative experience wanting to go to a positive, which is what I have done previously when I have stopped a mind-possession to “get my shit together” and then felt relieved and proud of myself for “being effective.”

But I recalled the words of other Destonians that I have heard lately: that either we walk absolutely or we do not walk at all which is the same as the point that either we are self-honest or we are self-dishonest, 100 % or nothing – there is no in between. Another point I recalled how a fellow Destonian described stopping energy addiction as driving by a road killed animal and simply passing it by, meaning not participating in the emotional and energetic experiences. Lol – I thought to myself: “I am that road kill”. Finally I stopped and I realized that “the problem” was that I was experiencing and accepting myself as less than the experiences and emotions. I did not trust myself to stop – because I had already accepted their power over me.

At this point I had gotten back on the main path and could start seeing the road I had come from. I realized that the solution was not that I was supposed to “feel it” or feel anything, but that I keep it simplistic. I can only be absolute and self-honest in one moment at a time. I can direct myself in this one moment and perfect this one moment. It is the same with thoughts. I can direct this one thought. But what I had been trying to do was to grasp everything: process, existence, the past, the future, death, life, rebirth, the group and the mind in one sweep. It was yet another point of taking short cuts that I have been writing about, where I believed that I could and should “take it all at once.” I realized that it is not possible.

So I decided to focus on this one moment, this one breath, this one thought or experience. And then I direct that and another moment arises. That I am sure of that I can direct. That I am sure of that I am responsible for. And so I realized that all I have to do to walk out of the wilderness, that in and as the mind have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, is to follow the red markings – as the practical application that those who have walked before me have placed neatly and carefully on the path – because they too have walked these woods and know how easily it is to get lost. I am grateful to them beyond words. And I trust myself that I WILL keep walking until I am “out of the woods” because what else can we do? We keep walking.

(Later today I will share a self-forgiveness post on one of the points that led up to the mind-possession that I allowed myself to immerse myself in.)

“Live and Let Die”: DAY 8

Tags

Deception, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Destonians, Journey to Life, letting go, Live and let die, Procrastination, Self-Direction, Self-Responsibility, Suppression

“And don’t get hurt,’. ‘There’s no one to help you up there. And don’t go stirring up a lot of trouble for us. This case isn’t ripe yet. Until it is, our policy with Mr Big is ‘live and let live’.” – Quote from the movie titled “Live and Let Die”

Today I have had a “live and let die” day and realization – I started when I woke up and allowed myself to participate in a mind-possession. The specific point I was experiencing was a lot of thoughts, back chat and experiences in relation to my agreement with my partner that I had been accumulating for quite some days, believing that I had to come to a conclusion, yet finding myself unable to and thus “letting it go”.

In this I allowed myself to “take the day off” which in “my world” (of living automated mind-possession patterns) was watching movies and simply doing my daily tasks. I have recently walked a 21 days to freedom application of not watching TV series because I had allowed myself to become addicted to watching TV series and specifically use TV series as a point of suppression, where I would watch and watch and watch and allowed myself to become completely submerged within it as a “letting go of myself” so within allowing myself to watch movies in this starting-point I was allowing myself to do the same again.

What is interesting is that the strategy behind this is to “let go” but the actual application is exactly the opposite: suppression. And what suppression is is actually a holding on through procrastinating the point of facing oneself and in self-honesty brings the points one is facing back to oneself – and as such take self-responsibility for what one have accepted and allowed and as such change and align oneself to what is best for all.

Eventually I talked the point through which my partner, who assisted me to see that I was projecting. Some very cool points emerged that requires direction which I will be writing about in relation to money and control.

However, for this writing, I have decided to write about this point for my own sake – to walk through it in openness and not allow myself to “live and let die.” This was also why I decided to speak with my partner about the point I had been accumulating for quite some days – precisely through avoiding it and “letting it slide” – all based on the self-deceptive belief that by not bringing it up – in openness with myself or with my partner – “it will go away” and that this is the same as “letting it go.” – but what it actually is, is letting it “live” through not directing it – through letting it grow and stay in the secret mind.

When I finally decided to speak to my partner about it, my first decision was to be “diplomatic” – which actually meant “censoring” the information. Eventually I decided and directed myself to share everything directly, simply explain how I experienced myself, what I had thought, how I had allowed the point to accumulate and what I saw as the practical solution. In fact, when I have done this previously it has been very supportive and in doing so, I have allowed myself to “lay it all out” and within doing that, give myself the opportunity to face the point in having it cross-referenced by another and also simply in speaking it out and hear the words for myself as I speak, hear how my thoughts sound once they are articulated, which often leads to self-realizations of seeing that what I had accepted and allowed was delusional and deceptive.

The cross-reference can then be done in writing as well, which is the same as speaking with another about it, where one “lay out” the point in all detail – this was what I experienced, this is how I see I created it, this is how I see I can solve it and change myself. THAT is the beginning of letting go. Because we can only let go, if we actually face the point first and thus the actual letting go – is a self-directed decision in seeing all parts of a point and deciding to change one’s starting-point and change one’s living.

By not doing that – in the delusion that through suppression, one is letting go – one is in fact convulsively holding on to the point as a direct abdication of self-responsibility for oneself.

Live and let die has been given a positive definition of being relaxed and not taking things so seriously, but what is the person actually doing in the quote above? Procrastinating and suppressing through fear, manipulation and deception.

So the statement is actually false – by suppressing a point and by procrastinating the point of facing and directing oneself in self-honesty one is in fact not living – one is rather waiting to die and calling that living. “Live and let die” is not a statement of “easy living” because what one is in fact doing is building the point up continuously until one do in fact die or face oneself, through, as and within self-direction.

So this is the point I commit myself to walk – to live and let myself live through not allowing myself to suppress points. I commit myself to let go of the survival strategy of suppressing points as though I thereby are letting them go – when in fact I am holding onto to them.

I commit myself to not ” live and let die” as in letting points go – when in fact what I have done within that is to let them go on in abdicating self-responsibility.

I commit myself to push myself to direct myself to face myself immediately and to immediately correct myself, so that I can actually start living in letting myself live.

I commit myself to Live in letting that die which is not best for all through directing myself to face all points and parts of and as myself that I have separated myself into and as and as such walk the process of letting myself live.

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Fear of making mistakes – Self-Forgiveness and Realizations

Tags

Desteni, Desteni 2012, Destonians, Ego, Equal Money System, Evil people, Fear of making a mistake, Keeping secrets, psychology, Secret Mind, self realizations

In this Self-Forgiveness I walk through the point of the fear of making a mistake and the fear I have experienced in being corrected/directed by another when having made a mistake. Through walking this writing, I realized a secret mind point of seeing what it exactly was I feared making a mistake – which in fact was in reverse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and go into and as an experience of anxiety and nervousness when a point is being directed towards me in which I am directed to correct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my reaction of nervousness and anxiety of being directed by another to change/correct myself on memories of having been yelled at and corrected in perceiving myself as having done something wrong

I forgive myself that I, when my grandmother yelled at me when I played with her radio after she had told me not to, accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and go into an as an experience of shock, anxiety and nervousness and that I from that created an automated reaction, so that whenever another corrects me, I experience anxiety and nervousness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have done something wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept myself as wrong when I perceive myself as having done something wrong in making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing something wrong, means that I am wrong

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be directed/corrected by another, without accessing an experience of anxiety and nervousness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that doing something wrong, does not mean that I, in my beingness am wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as and create and manifest an energetic experience , when being corrected by another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to correct others based on my belief that it is wrong to make mistakes and that making mistakes is wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others when one makes a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is unacceptable to make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I make a mistake and do something wrong that I will be rejected excluded and exposed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am supposed to live and exist without making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having my self-image of being capable, responsible and good scattered through being exposed by another for/as/within making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that every mistake can possibly be my last

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that all mistakes can possibly be the end of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make a mistake and if another exposes my mistake and corrects me, it means that I am not good enough, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that mistakes exist for me to correct myself and be grateful for the support of another in assisting me and supporting me to see where I have made a mistake so that I can simply correct myself accordingly

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that mistakes are not personal and as such not to be taken personally as that is seeing the mistake and myself in it in a separate relationship to and with myself as ego, where I from morality value and evaluate myself as either good or bad, right and wrong instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that mistakes are practical, physical events that are unaligned to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that a mistake is a practical miss-take, where I have missed what was required to be done, because I was not effectively Here in seeing all points and what is best for all and that as such the making of mistakes is me assisting myself in seeing where I require to correct and align myself to what is best for al

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist submitted, subjected and enslaved to fear of making mistakes

I forgive myself that I, in having accepted and allowed myself to exist submitted, subjected and enslaved to fear of making mistakes, have believed that I could avoid making mistakes and as such avoid experiencing the fear and as such avoid the consequences of making mistakes as I fear to be rejected, excluded and exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and must control myself so as to not make mistakes and prevent myself from making mistakes, when in fact what I attempt controlling is preventing myself from feeling the experience of fear of making mistake and the consequential judgment of myself when I do make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and must control others from making mistakes, in the belief and judgment that it is wrong, bad and unacceptable to make mistakes, when in fact what I have attempted to control is avoiding my own fear and judgment of making mistakes and the consequential judgment of myself when making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through, within and as fear of making mistakes, in not allowing myself to direct myself and deliberately not act to prevent myself from experiencing fear of making mistakes and the consequential judgment of myself when making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have created, manifested and participated in and as a belief and judgment that it is wrong, bad and unacceptable to make mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my fear of making mistakes and the subsequent experience of feeling bad on memories of my experience of myself in the past where I made a mistake and someone corrected me.

SELF-CORRECTION

Re-definition “Mistake”

Current allocation/understanding of the word mistake. I experience an instant energetic reaction to the word “mistake” – I experience it as a “jump” within me in and as an experience of anxiety, like “oh no”. I can see in my participation in my own mistakes and others that I largely experience that mistakes are “unacceptable” – obviously “unacceptable” in others because I have accepted it as “unacceptable” for me to make mistakes. I have defined a mistake as doing something wrong in a judgment of myself and in an energetic experience of anxiety when it is pointed out to me that I have made a mistake. I connect making a mistake to having done something wrong and being “caught”.

Dictionary definition:

mistake

n   noun something which is not correct; an inaccuracy. Øan act or judgement that is misguided or wrong.

n   verb (past mistook; past participle mistaken) be wrong about. Ø(mistake someone/thing for) wrongly identify someone or something as.

 

DERIVATIVES

mistakable (also mistakeable) adjective

mistakably (also mistakeably) adverb

 

ORIGIN

Middle English (as verb): from Old Norse mistaka ‘take in error’, probably influenced in sense by Old French mesprendre.

Sounding:

MISSED-TAKE

MY-STAKE

Realizations:

It is interesting that making a mistake can both be an action and a judgment call that is “misguided” and “wrong”. I can definitely also see that there within my relationship with the word mistake is an energetic reaction of judgment + anxiety towards the word “wrong” – so the “mistake” is the manifestation/exposure of the wrong. Thus there is an innate acceptance of myself as “wrong” and fearing to be exposed/caught as “wrong”. That is what is at “stake” – me being exposed as being “wrong” or “bad”. I experience myself in that context as waiting for that moment of making a mistake through which I will exposed – it is thus also why the experience of “getting caught” as in corrected by another is what scares me the most. So what it also means is that my trust and confidence in myself is unstable as I experience it can be exposed at any moment. I have experienced that being “good” and “right” is something unnatural for me that I strategically have learned and taught myself in order to function effectively in society – I have furthermore taken this point personally instead of seeing that there is no such thing as “right” and in believing there was and in not seeing myself as such, I have allowed myself to believe and accept myself as “wrong”. I have even perfected this to the point of being able to live most of the time in this self-constructed “rightness – LOL – I wrote “rightmess” –  because that is what it is: the mess inside me of constantly having to fight myself to be “right” – learn the rules, play by the rules, do what others expect of me. I realize now that this is not personally and that many people must have experienced this in one way or another or at least recognizing the deliberate act of strategically molding oneself to fit in, while doing it based on a self-dishonesty. So it is my self-dishonesty I have feared being exposed within – because behind the self-dishonesty, is a being that has no moral. I am a being without moral – why? Because morality does not exist. Morality is a hoax. So – a missed-take is a moment where I did not effectively guard myself to act in secrecy as “who I really am” and thus risk getting caught and exposed. Another point is that there are also other types of mistakes, like knocking something down from a table. I have experienced the same reaction towards such a point, though here it is not about protecting my secret self, but about defining myself through judgment and morality as supposed to “move gracefully” for instance – and since spirituality and Desteni for example, supposed to move a certain way in the world that is not of harm for others and thus myself. So if I knock something off the table, I have acted carelessly and clumsy (and being in the mind) all of which is true. Because if I am here, constant, stable, considering all, I do not knock anything down. However – it is not a judgment point. So that is what I require purifying: the judgment and personal relationship towards making the mistake. What I can also see happens through this, is that I do not in fact see or correct the actual point, that I for example was participating in the mind and thus knocked a glass of the table – because all I am experiencing is judgment towards myself and fear as being exposed. This also mean that I have created an ideal-self and an expectation of myself to act in a certain way based on judgment, morality and ego. Ego in this case, is thus the “successful” manifestation of myself as a single personality that is able to function in society, be nice and caring and considering to others and that I have not wanted to let go of, because I have invested years in creating and perfecting this personality and because I fear losing my footing in society when/if I let it go. I “need” it – because without it, I am moral-less, a savage. So that is the “real me” that I have feared facing through the act of making a mistake and in the correction of others. So once again it is about survival, but it is about survival from the perspective of having to maintain a certain personality at all times that at any moment can crack and I will be exposed.

I redefine a “mistake” as a missed moment – within the consequential outflow as indicated in practical reality of a point being unaligned (the glass falling and breaking) through which I can see that I am mis-aligned and require re-aligning myself. Mistakes happen – yet I am responsible for the mistake. It is acceptable to make a mistake, because that moment/point was already unaligned which is why the mistake happen. What is thus not acceptable is to not correct/direct the mistake.

A mistake is the manifested consequence of a missed moment – In making a mistake I give myself the gift of seeing that a point within and as me is unaligned and the opportunity to correct and align myself to what is best for all.

Mistakes are manifested when I act or make a judgment call without taking all and everything into consideration. Through the manifestation of the mistake, I can thus bring the point back to myself and see what specific point I did not take into consideration and as such which point I separated myself from, within and as.

I realize that it is impossible to not make mistakes and that if I cannot accept the fact that mistakes are made, by myself or others, I cannot effectively direct myself to see what the background for the mistake is and thus correct it. By judging myself for making mistakes, I am allowing myself to continue to make mistakes because I am pushing myself, as the mistake away, saying “I want nothing to do with you.” – While in fact the mistake is a signal to myself that a point requires my immediate attention, because the mistake is a manifested consequence of a point being unaligned.

When and as I see that I have made a mistake, I stop, I breathe. I accept the fact that I have made the mistake and I look at the point the mistake is indicating that is unaligned – where I have not considered all and everything in that moment.

Education of the Human – Best for All in an Equal Money System

Tags

Capabilities, Desteni, Destonians, Education, Education Policies, Equal Education, Equal Money System, Human Capital, Human Rights

 In the article Reconceptualizing Human Capital, Nancy Folbre and Paula England present “capabilities” as a concept to describe the basic requirements humans need to function effectively in the world. They use this as a platform to critique the neoclassical notion of “human capital”. They introduce capabilities (or capital) from the perspective that these until now have not been valued as actual skills that human beings require to develop; and that requires to be a part of the political, economic and educational policies of the world. What is interesting about this perspective is that it offers an actual critical alternative to capabilities that as human capital until now (through neoclassical economics) has been seen more as preferences taken on by the rational self-interested human being.

The perspective I present in this article, is an amalgamation of the neoclassical notion of the rational and self-interested human being and Folbre and England’s notion of altruism as inherent (or at least emergent) in the development of capabilities. I do this to engage in a discussion on developing an educational policy applicable in an Equal Money System that is based on what is best for all. From this it is my aim to investigate what basic capabilities are to develop ourselves as human beings to a point of utmost support for our own well-being and for the well-being of all. I will go through the capabilities as they are described by Folbre and England and consequently discuss these in relation to an Equal Money System.

Let’s first have a look at what Folbre and England’s definition of capabilities:

A Capability is a state that requires effort from the individual. It requires to be developed and enables one to function effectively in society, once applied and implemented. Capabilities are beneficial both for the individual and for the collective well-being. Folbre and England describe four different types of capabilities: physical, cognitive, self-regulating and caring capabilities.

Capabilities

The physical capabilities are the basic physical requirements for caring physically for oneself, such as cooking food, getting dressed, cleaning the house, knowing when to respond to pain etc. However with these basic physical functioning capabilities, Folbre and England contends that they are often not discussed or emphasized (in social science or in economy) and suggests that this can be because of the tradition in this of valuing “mind over matter” in these traditions ranging back to a focus on the metaphysical . (C.F Descartes famous quote: “I think, therefore I am”.) [i]

Cognitive capabilities include what is considered “formal education” that according to Folbre and England has an extensive impact on one’s income earning abilities. Besides these capabilities that is achieved through education, such as reading, writing and math, Folbre and England describe capabilities such as house hold economy, the ability to see the cause and effect of one’s actions and points such as mental health and emotions as part of the cognitive capabilities.

Self-Regulation capabilities are based on the ability to have self-discipline and Folbre and England suggests that this capability is the basis for the other capabilities, because without self-discipline, one is not capable to develop for example the ability to write. When self-discipline is developed one becomes able to perform tasks that one does not necessarily want to do or experience as difficult.  Folbre and England suggest that self-regulation as a capability is not valued by economics as a human capital because economic theory would define self-regulation as a preference and not as a skill. Instead Folbre and England contends that self-regulation in fact is both a skill and a preference and they mention how becoming skilled and enjoying oneself once skilled mutually constitutes.

Folbre and England describes Caring capabilities as a “service” that differs from the other capabilities in that it also contains an element of altruism where having the capability might not (only) benefit oneself but also others and even that one within this could express care without it being of benefit for oneself, something that according to Folbre and England, refutes the neo-classical notion of rational self-interest. Caring capability also requires the other capabilities to function effectively, yet however also requires certain emotions and motives exactly as altruism, but also affection and warmth. Folbre and England contends that that even though caring as a service can be exchanged on the labor market, it is still valued as less than other types of work. As with self-regulation, neo classical economy sees altruism as a preference, but also here Folbre and England contends that altruism and the capability of care, requires skills. These then in turn requires to be developed.

How are capabilities developed?

In Human Capital theory, capital is considered a “stock” as a long-lasting transformation of the human that focuses on self-investment within the definition of investment as “present cause for later pay-off”. Folbre and England however introduces the notion of “input” instead of investment and uses the transference of capabilities between parents and children as an example for why this is. This is then also used to argue for the notion of altruism in the caring capabilities, where parents act in supporting ways for the child to benefit, without getting anything out of it themselves. They are teaching the children skills that the children will use independently of the parents.

Why are capabilities important for society?

Folbre and England contends that capabilities are dependent on social embeddedness and as such exists as a social capital. They claim that as well new as traditional economics “underestimated the social and political nature that effects which children will have their capabilities developed the most” and that as such that “resource constraints should not be ignored.” What this means is that an assumption in neoclassical economic thinking (that which our world systems are based upon) is that everyone intrinsically have ‘equal opportunities’ to develop skills and capabilities. Folbre and England highlights the fact that the conditions we are born into determines to an utmost extend what opportunities we have to learn and develop skills and capabilities. These conditions are created through a political and financial system that in turn is created by us as human beings. Who and what we live as human beings is something we decide individually and collectively interdependent. The same goes for the capabilities that we support the development of, in ourselves, in our children and in society as a whole.

It is a Matter of stopping the Mind

For a long time physical work has been disregarded as “crude” and “simple”. This is reflected in how people that primarily work with the physical receive a much lower wage than those working in (and as) “mind-jobs”. When our children are sent to school, one of the primary points they are too learn, is to disconnect the mind from the body and use the body as a tool for the mind to expand, for example in sitting still and listening to the teacher and suppress the body’s urge to jump or sing or move. In all educational policies, it is thus the cognitive capabilities that are prioritized which can be seen in how all forms of craft classes and sports are minimized and cut back. But if we look at what it is the children are learning about the world, that which they are supposed to learn, to enable themselves to live as effective human beings, it is all in the head. They are expected to grow up and direct their physical world and reality, from within and as the mind, while the body remains a mere vehicle, a tool. In very few schools do children learn about their own bodies or how their bodies feel.They do not learn how to cook, clean or care for animals.

They do not (at least not effectively) learn how to interact with nature, with animals or with the bodies of other children and adults. Instead they learn to disconnect themselves from the physical, to use the body for competitive sports or transportation and as they grow up, they are expected to know how to move and care for their bodies, without actually being in (contact with) their bodies. They might learn about health regimes and that milk is good for you, but they don’t learn to feel in their stomach when some food is not supportive for them. They do not learn to touch or support themselves or each other in ways to alleviate pain or simply for enjoyment. We can draw a straight line from how the physical is disregarded in the current education system to how the state the world currently is in. What thrives is mind-based designs and constructs at the expense of the physical world – the real world – in which and as we live and which we cannot live without. The aspect of physical functioning thus reaches beyond learning basic skills of buttoning buttons – it involves caring for the entire planet as well as for ourselves and each other.  A Destonian perspective on education will thus focus exactly on the physical, on us getting out of our heads and into the physical to actually learn to care and nurture ourselves, our bodies and the planet.

Learning is not fun in a capitalistic system

According to Folbre and England, self-regulation and discipline is both a preference and a skill. It becomes a preference when we discover the joy of completing a task or in learning something new. But as education is designed in the current system, a sole emphasis is on the skill aspect of self-discipline, where we are skilling ourselves to be able to compete with others on an unstable job market. The competition is based on fear of not survival and in many countries that is what enables children to remain disciplined – not because they are enjoying what they are learning or perfecting themselves within it. Furthermore, the way education systems are designed, children and adults are most often running on tight deadlines where text books have to be consumed with the speed of light and there is absolutely no focus on disciplining oneself for the sake of self-enjoyment.  Furthermore: those of us who has had teachers that enjoyed teaching and teachers that did not, know that there is a lot more to learn from a teacher that enjoys what they are doing. But how can we expect teachers to enjoy themselves, when they get placed close to nothing and are stuffed into a small room with 40-60 students, disconnected and high on sugar and an old curriculum to teach from?

A Destonian perspective is that learning is about expanding and exploring oneself, alone and together with others – teaching is about standing as a living example, not a regurgitator of indoctrinating brainwash that only has the purpose of creating stupid obedient consumer slaves. Furthermore: learning is physical and education, both physical and cognitive could be developed in a variety of ways that incorporate physical learning – if only the focus was on developing capabilities that are best for all as well as the individual in a setting that is not based on fear of not surviving, but instead on self-expression, dedication and openness. If self-discipline is taught without self-consideration or direction, we educate followers that will create secret inner lives where they can live out their desires, we create workers that only do exactly as much as they have to for then to go home and leave the rest to someone else – instead we can educate ourselves (and the children) to develop a self-discipline that is based on dignity, on self-integrity and on doing what is best for all, simply in seeing the basic common sense in that principle – because the world-systems are based on equality.

Caring is Equal Money For all

A mentioned by Folbre and England, the caring sector is highly underpaid compared to occupations that favor cognitive capabilities. This includes teachers, nurses and all other professions where it is the care for other humans (and animals) that is the primary work function. What this means is that Care in itself is highly under-prioritized in our societies, something that can clearly be seen in the many cases of negligence and lack of funding in many care facilities. We are as a species underdeveloped in our ability to care for others (as well as ourselves and the planet). Care as a capability is furthermore a physical act, that one can do even if one does not get something out of it – this is also why there are still people volunteering and working in these positions even though they get no or little pay for their work. Obviously there is in this, a dimension of self-interest, in that a person in a care position can get something out of defining themselves as ‘carers’, something we shall come back to. However there are also people who place themselves in such positions, because they can see that it is of benefit for the group or individual they are working with or because they can see that it is best for all.

We live in a world that does not prioritize what is best for all – that in fact demotes the people who work for what is best for all, and as such stand in direct opposition to creating a world (and an education system) that is best for all. By implementing an Equal Money System that in fact is Best for All, caring will be a basic fundamental priority as it is embedded directly into the very notion of what is Best for All and in the practical policies developed therewith. Another important point here to mention is that care work traditionally has been women’s work. And in that is thus also an intrinsic degradation of women, instead promoting only a patriarchal system that emphasizes traditional masculine values (note: not the values of males) that essentially is based on competition and war. By bringing caring into the forefront of a political and economic (and educational) system, we can no longer deny or ignore the suffering of others. We can no longer justify the exploitation of some for benefit of others. We can no longer push and pressure ourselves to only excel and not consider the consequences of our thrusting through the earth. Finally we no longer need to compete, deceive and fight each other to survive.

Altruism and Self-Interest

Folbre and England mentions that children begin developing capabilities even before such a point as “self-investment” even emerges. In this, adults are required that are able to act in ways that are not based on self-interest with then as mentioned conflicts with the rationality of neoclassical economy.  A critical (Destonian) perspective on this is that when parents support children to develop specific capabilities, they are in fact acting in self-interest as they see the children as reflections of themselves; thus how ‘successful’ the children become, will reflect back on the parents as ‘successful parents’ and as such ‘successful individuals’.

This shows how altruism is difficult to apply and questions whether such an application is even possible. According to the neoclassical economists, it is not. In relation to care work Folbre and England emphasizes this capability as one that benefits all and as such is best for all. Within this they bring up an interesting perspective, that there perhaps are other ways to make care work more valuable for society and in this they wish to challenge neoclassical definitions of human capital. Instead they suggest collective strategies for example within using taxes or policies to create inputs that emphasizes care as a capability.

Humans self-interested by nature but that does not mean we cannot educate ourselves to change

Neither acknowledging altruism as inherent (or at least emergent in how parents support their children to develop capabilities) or in the neoclassical theory of rational self-interest is common sense applied.

Therefore an amalgamating perspective is required in an understanding that in spite of self-interest being pre-dominant in human beings, policies and education (as developing skills and capabilities) can be applied to support the development of capabilities currently defined as ‘altruism’ and ‘care’, without expecting that parents do this because of some innate altruism. Through basing policies on principles that are created to implement solutions that are best for all, will support an actual emergence of altruism. In this, if all live in a way that is best for all, an application such as altruism will not even exist, as it exists directly in opposition to ‘self-interest’. If all are educated, skilled and capable of supporting what is best for all, practically speaking, the concept of altruism will be redundant.

In the development of an Equal Money System, we are researching and developing policies based on the practical and physical capabilities that each human being requires to live a dignified life and the implementations of such policies in our society, based on what is Best for All at a practical, physical level. It is open for anyone to participate, who are willing an interested in creating a world, where children can thrive and learn how to support themselves and the earth to live a life of self-expression, dignity, care and enjoyment – a life that in all ways will be best for all. Join us at the Equal Money Forum, on the Destonians Network, join the Desteni Group on YouTube and Facebook and partake in making this Earth a heaven for the Children to come.

“The Equal Money System have as Goal to Educate prospective parents with the skills and understanding necessary BEFORE a child is Born to make sure that the Child have every opportunity of an excellent Life and the required Base foundation as example of what it means to give as you would receive with a dedication to care for Life in all ways. We are what we are taught form Birth and changing our Beginning Here will change Human Nature. We all know this, yet we continue to ignore what can be changed” Bernard Poolman

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[i] As a critique of Folbre and England’s theory, I suggest considering the emerging trends in sociology of sociology of body and sociology of sports. Because the paper is written in 1997, a certain progression in development of the field must be taken into account, but it is interesting to consider that there in fact has been some movement on this point in social science.

A Pacifist is still a Fist – Passive Resistance as Active Acceptance

Tags

Acitivists, Activism, Desteni Group, Desteni2012, Destenicult, Destonians, Equal Money System, Pacifist, Passive Resistance, Resistance, Viiolent Resistance

In my years as a political activist, I often heard the expression:  “I am not going to do that, I am a pacifist.” When people spoke these words, it was with a sense of pride that, by not acting, by not speaking up, they were in fact making a very loud statement. Many of these for instance refused to vote, because they did not recognize the political system as valid, so they believed that not voting, by remaining silent, they were casting a vote. It is the same with passive resistance that many people implore; by remaining passive, yet resisting, they are in fact sending a message to the “powers that be.” In the activist tradition (and in political discussions) this is seen in contrast to violent resistance, a form of resistance that often has more physical consequences for those participating, for instance as seen in riots where people get beaten or incarcerated by the police. In Danish we have a saying: “voluntarily forced” that refers to the acceptance of force, for example in how we cannot chose not to go to school as children, but at the same time does not have to like it. Children that do not like to go to school but do it any way, are passive resistant and any teacher will most likely recognize the class room full of unwilling participants.

Another expression goes: “non-action is equal action” and that is important to consider in relation to passive resistance as a form of activism. Active pacifists that are passively resisting the system will most often think and speak about what is wrong with the system. They will get angry and sad, but because they see the only alternative to accepting the system as violent, they accept that there is nothing they can do and even experiences a sense of pride in “at least not being violent.”

Not speaking is not the same as having a voice that the void of one’s presence somehow will have an effect. Not acting is not the same as showing one’s stand. Not buying a specific product will not have an impact on what is produced.

Therefore: passive resistance is a scam. It is a form of cowardice that the enabler justifies as heroism by non-action. And it makes sense from the perspective of seeing no (or only a violent) alternative to accepting the system as it is. But by simply remaining passive, one is in fact actively resisting the system and within that accepting the system (or the injustice or abuse) to continue existing. The pacifist has as a pacifier of comfort the belief that by not acting they are in fact changing and thus as pacifists, they are still passing fists, ironically their non-action becomes the very action, they so passively oppose. It is important to note though that “the pacifist” is a label that has been created by the very system itself, to create the false hope that not acting can have some kind of impact, just as violent resistance will end you in jail. It is designed to be redundant, yet provide people with a sense of hope.

At Desteni, we present an alternative to resistance, but we also investigate for ourselves the nature of resistance, from the perspective that: “what you resist will persist.” – What this means is that because we are responsible for the world and ourselves in it, by resisting a point or a system, we are in fact resisting our own responsibility.

This will often be within a polarity of accepting oneself as less than the system and therefore incapable of changing it (or self) and accepting oneself as more than the system and as such believing that one can simply step out of the system and not participate and as such participate in changing the world. Passive resistance is active acceptance, because in not acting, we are in fact acting. By not speaking, that IS what we are speaking, that we don’t need to speak or act, because we are apparently more or less than the system. As long as we live as such, nothing will change. Turning the other cheek will only ensure you one thing: you will be slapped on the other cheek as well. If you keep turning your cheek, you will keep getting slapped. There is nothing honorable in that. This suggestion must have been invented by someone that wanted obedient slaves.

What we resist will persist, because all that exist is a part of us and it is only by taking responsible for it, that we can direct it. It is only by standing equal to it, that we no longer are enslaved by it.

Desteni stands for practivism, a practical activism, from where we act to stand self-responsible for what is here and direct the systems of the world as ourselves, in equality. As Destonians we are practivists that live to act in ways that are best for all, where resistance is not needed because we direct the system as ourselves.

Suggested listening for further perspective:

“Open Letter to Zeitgeists recent declaration of Passive Resistance” By Anna Brix Thomsen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63_wkWBnbwM

“2012 Passive Resistance – ZEITGEIST – Ghosts of Time Gone by?” By Anna Brix Thomsen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FhEKUd1iZk

“Dear Zeitgeist.
You Stand to be the prime of our time
In opposition to those bagging nickels and dimes.
Now with this declaration of “Passive Resistance”
You’ve advocated patience as a brief intermittence
Encouraging waiting and wishing and hoping
With love as the drug you are pushing and doping.
You tell us to fight with love as a weapon
While we sit here and wait for change to happen
You place yourself as a group, as ‘a-gain-sting’
The system that is here as ‘that abusive, mean-world-thing’
Though conveniently forgetting that you helped create it
Now advocating that we should all abdicate it
By loving our way through passive resistance
Avoiding war and violence from a safe, ‘but loving’ distance
Instead of Realizing that We ARE All in Here
Caught in the same net of suffering war and fear
Because Resistance is Futile and what you fight creates sequels
Because All that is Here, is Living One and Equal.
Zeitgeist does not stand for ‘The Spirit of the Times’
Zeitgeist are merely Ghosts of Time Gone By.”

“Passive Resistance is Just Another Brick in the Wall” By Cathy Krafft http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIDbhx-M8qE

“2011 Why Passive Resistance is Futile” By Viktor Persson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4FErY-TnT0

2012 – Who’s Voices are speaking in our Heads?

Tags

depression, Desteni Cult, Desteni I Process, Desteni2012, Destonians, Equal Money System, Fear Week, Inner conversation, Self Talk, Voices in the head

Artwork by Andrew Gable: "Inner back chat personalities". Click the image to see more of Andrew's art

As I was listening to the interview Voices trapped me in my mind, I started looking back at my life and my experiences with voices in my head. When I was around 9-10 years old, I started noticing how there were several layers of thoughts in my mind. I started playing with it and discovered that I could sing in my head as the same time as I was thinking about something else. I got fascinated by it and the more I started looking at my thoughts, the more loud the thoughts seemed to become.

I remember how when I became aware of the fact that I was thinking that I started to verbalize thoughts in my mind as words and it became difficult to stop. Initially I was fascinated by it, i felt I was special and superior, but I also noticed how I constantly had conversations going on in my mind. It was as though I was sitting in a little bubble inside my head, that all “who” I was, was this little bubble of consciousness sitting in my head talking about what was going on outside my eyes. I would talk and talk and talk about what I saw and heard. Exactly as in the interview, the self-speak in my mind started becoming nasty and judgmental once I started becoming a teenager, towards others as well as towards myself. The thoughts were mean and brutal and I would feel ashamed. The girl in the interview Voices trapped me in my mind explained how she refused to accept that the voices were herself and that she simply could not accept that she was not the sweet girl that she had believed and experienced herself to be. For her it became the end.

I had no doubt that the voices in my head were my own, in fact I instead identified strongly with the voices. It became my comfort. As I grew older the thoughts and self-talk as back-chat in my mind became patterns that ran and ran in loops, like a constant noise from a radio. In my mind I would analyze how I had acted in situations, if I had been good enough, what I had said. I would also plan how I would be in the future, if I were to meet a boy, how I would act, what I would say.

At the same time I turned my thoughts against myself. I hated myself, I despised myself and others. I created thought loops of self-judgment where I would repeat the same words over and over: “I hate myself”, “I am such an idiot”… over and over.

An interesting aspect of my relationship with judgment as back chat was that through out my life I have listened to my mom verbalizing her back chat as judgments towards herself and others. When we watched TV, she would comment on the clothes people were wearing, their faces, hair, body form and place judging remarks, nasty comments and spite. She did the same towards herself, saying that she was a bad mother or that she hated herself.

I would judge my mom for her judgment of others. I would literally talk nasty shit about my mom in my mind for being judgmental. And within this, in promising myself that I would never be like my mom, I started building and creating a personality – a self-belief, definition and ideal of myself as the opposite of how I saw my mom . So I started suppressing my own back-chat and judgment. I judged myself for being judging and I created this personality of someone that is “nice”, “warm”, “tolerant”. I wanted to get as far away from how I saw my mom as possible. I wanted to get as far away from myself as possible. The more I suppressed the back chat, the more extensive it grew in the back of my mind and I would literally become possessed for days at a time, where I became completely apathetic and could do nothing but lay in my bed. It would take over my body and I would become tense in my back, shoulders, neck and in my legs.

After I listened to the interview Voices trapped me in my mind I started looking at when this pattern started with the voices in my head. And I saw that even when I was a small child and I experienced shock, I would start separating myself from my physical body. Ironically I have been using these thoughts to keep me pre-occupied and away from myself, even if the nature of the thoughts always, always have been self-centered. Even when I thought about others and how to support them, it would be part of my plan of making myself this “good-natured” personality.

In the book  New Earth, Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, Eckhart Tolle states the following:

“What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.”

I used to read Echart Tolle and loved quotes like this. I believed that it made me enlightened, uplifted and an upstanding citizen. But what does it actually imply? It implies that we are not responsible for what goes on inside us, for what we participate in and as, as thoughts, emotions and feelings. According to Tolle we are not the voice in our head – we are the observer that sees the thoughts and so we apparently become “liberated” through separating ourselves from the voices in our head. Yes, that is liberating from the perspective that we then have a justification, with endorsement by the spiritual authority that Tolle has become, to not take responsibility for ourselves. It is like a permanent absolution or remission of sins for Catholics: “it is not you, so don’t you worry about it” – sure that gives a form of temporary relief but then what when the thoughts and voices just keep coming, keep speaking? And what happens when we gather in social settings and spiritual gatherings and everyone else is apparently “free” of thoughts and of the dense darkness of the material world and our inner shit just keep coming up? Who will we believe ourselves to be? I believed that there had to be something wrong with me because I could not get to that state of mind that I believed Tolle was in. I thought that there was something wrong with me because everyone else seemed so at ease, so comfortable.

A really cool thing about the interview on Voices trapped me in my mind that assisted me, was when she said that we are only able to judge ourselves because we separate ourselves from ourselves, the same with being hard on ourselves, self-hate and even these ideals we create about ourselves. We externalize ourselves and place ourselves in a relationship with the reflection we have created of ourselves in the splitting up of ourselves. This is what I have done even with and through walking with Desteni. And I can clearly see how I ironically have been holding onto the self-judgment in separating myself from myself because I wanted to hold onto the ideal image I had of myself as being tolerant, “good natured” – anything that I saw my mother was not. And in looking back, I was exactly like my mother. I judged and despised her for being judgmental and no-one is responsible for that than me.

So what is the solution? Not to reject the thoughts or the voices in our head saying “this is not me” – because it IS me – it is who and what I have created myself as, who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, through years and years of participation as the voices in my head, endorsing them, fueling them,  holding onto them as myself. This is the point: the voices in our head ARE us – they are a part of us that we have separated ourselves from and thereby given away our self-authority to in doing that.

Thus, it is when I accept the fact that these voices, these thoughts, experiences, emotions and feelings are my own creation of myself in separation of and from myself, that I become able to change. In taking responsibility for the fact that this IS who and what I have created and accepted myself, I can make the directive decision to change. Because until, unless I do that, I exist in a self-made prison, a prison made up of bits and pieces of myself secluded into parts in my mind, into bits and pieces, existing only as that voice as  those different voices in my head.

We cannot simply say “this is not me” as a positive affirmation and then be done with it. That is not taking self-responsibility. That is not self-direction. What it is, is self-suppression in fact and it is a direct abdication of self-responsibility. It is fear of what is inside us, as us — and then only way we can change, is by facing that.

Through walking this process, I have experienced extensive difficulty with self-judgment, meaning that I have found it difficult to stop. Listening to this interview, assisted me to see that there was a point I was missing. I was missing the point that I have been unwilling to let go of my ideals, ideas and definitions of myself that was positively charged. And they were so based on a fear that I was becoming my mother. When I judged my mother, I saw her as I believed others would see her. I judged her as I saw her through what I believed were the world’s eyes,  but it was my judgment of myself, it was me separating me from myself.

I could had looked at who my mother was within this judgment. I could have seen that it was her judgment of herself projected onto the world. I could have supported her to stop. I could have simply seen it for what it was and not participated. I could have learned to understand what judgment is and why it exist in the world. But I did not, because that is not what we learn in this world, that is not the pattern that has been established of how to live and exist. Instead we learn that we must unconditionally follow in our parents footsteps, take over from them, become like them — it is such an integrated rule that we do not even have to write it down in our constitutions or speak about it out loud. It is just the way it is.

No matter what – it is my responsibility because I created it within myself as who I am. I accepted the voices in my head as myself. I am the voices in my head that I have separated myself into and as. So it is my responsibility stop, stand up and change myself. See, the voices in my head might be who and what I have created and accepted myself as, but that does not mean that I have to stay this way forever.

Through participating with Desteni, the Destonians and especially through walking the Desteni I Process I have been assisted with tools and perspectives to actually, by my very own hand, to stop participating in thoughts and back chat. The difference is that we do not suppress the thoughts, we do not pretend that they are not us or who we have become — instead we embrace the thoughts and investigate them in detail, seeing exactly how we created them, one by one. For me this has been a continuous process and I see now that the idealized idea of myself has been a primary point as an obstacle with which I have placed road blocks for myself. So I am here, I am walking this process – I fall and I stand up. And if I can do that, anyone can.

Let’s walk.

 

2012 – I am Anu

Tags

Annuaki, Anu, Desteni2012, Destonians, EQAFE, Equal Money System, God, Reptilian, Reptilian God

The story of Anu is our story, yours and mine. This is our story. It is not a fairytale, a myth, a dream, a night-mare — it is in fact our story. And it is being told at last, so that all can be equally aligned in understanding where we come from and how we have gotten to where we are today in this world, this reality and in ourselves.

In the interview with Anu, he says:

“There is much more within this existence than just your idea of yourself. And one only has so many opportunities and so many chances, and that there is a point where it is too late. And many still within this existence wasting Time! There is such a thing as Time, at the moment. This physical existence is the manifestation of time, and time is being stretched, to allow for windows of opportunity as realization to emerge. But there’s still an extensive amount of: everything is ok, everything is fine! I’m ok and I’m alright! I’ve got time, there’s lots of time! I just have to do this little bit here, little bit there…  Careful! Because that reality can prove to you that you’ve been within an absolute illusion within who you are in existence. So don’t wait till it is too late!”

With his story Anu asks us to initiate our story, for me and you to initiate our story, that realization is possible in every moment. When I heard this – and exactly as Anu, it is not the first time I have heard this and missed the point – I thought: “how is that possible considering ‘who’ I am, ‘where’ I am?”

In these reviews of interviews, I have focused mostly on the story the being was telling or how their story related to “the grand scheme of things” – however with Anu’s story I can see that what is relevant Here – as it is at all times – is to bring the point back to myself.

So how am I wasting time? How do I not stand absolute? How do I believe that “there is enough time”? How have I been missing the obvious for so long when it – as myself here – was right in front of my face the entire time.

Usually when I write, I have a totality of a point within me and all I have to do is simply to write it through from beginning to end. But this time I have no such direction. What I have done when I have listened to the interviews for review has been to latch onto a specific point mentioned in the interview and then ‘rolled with it’ from there, giving perspectives and sharing my own insights.

Not this time. This time I start with the birth and death of myself in every breath. I start here from scratch without a preconception about where this writing will ‘end.’ And I do so because I was ‘inspired’ by Anu’s words and who and what Anu as an emergence of being represented of and as all of us.

As I walk and live my daily life-experience, I exist within a framework of being in full control. I have realized this in relation to living with pets and how they are at my beg and call – I decide when they eat, what they eat, where they eat, sleep and shit.

Initiating my story is the initiation of a story of abuse, deception and control. Except for the purely physiological requirements of a human physical body, I have, as the mind been in total control of the organism that is this body sitting here on a chair typing. I have decided when this body slept, when it ate, what it ate, who it had sex with, how and when it had sex and through participating in emotions and feelings and thoughts, I have superimposed myself as a mind-consciousness-system onto the body, perceiving the body from within and as my ivory tower of the personalities as ego, as a toy, a tool, a mere representation of myself. I have never given much thought or consideration to the processes the body goes through on a daily basis.

In fact, I have forced the body into submission and I have used it as scapegoat, as a place to cast my spite and vengeance. When I say this, I mean it quite literally. An example is a pattern I have recently realized, where, if I experience that someone has done me wrong or that I have been treated unfairly, I have suppressed the experience of anger, and immediately taken this anger out on the body as a twisted form of punishment through indulging myself in food or candy or entertainment or even drugs. In this pattern my idea of myself is that I am in pity and that I deserve some kind of treat or compensation for the wrong that has been done to me. So I indulge – but what I have actually been doing is to punish myself, force myself to eat foods that were not supportive for my body inverting my anger towards myself. I know where this pattern stems from, and I am working with stopping and releasing it through the writing of a Mind-Construct about that period I my life in the Desteni I Process.

Once seeing this, it is a shock to discover that I have done exactly to myself as Anu did to existence. I am Anu.

The body is an organism, a community made up by all the cells, the blood stream, the nerves, the muscles, the organs, the skeleton, exactly as the universe has stars and milky-ways or how the earth exists as an eco-system carefully orchestrated by all life-forms, plant, animal and mineral-life. The body is no different.

And I have been existing as the sole ruler, the god over myself as an eco-system, a planet, a universe. There has been absolutely no equality in my ruling of myself, because it has all been about one point: consciousness. The consciousness as my experience and perception and acceptance of myself from within and as the mind, only caring about my own ideas and feelings based on accumulated threads of memories and information intertwined and tangled into each other into personalities that I perceive and experience as a monocracy that I perceive as “myself”, a single entity.

What is best for all as the entirety of the system that starts with this physical body and is no different in the world or existence as a whole, is not something I have ever considered. I have only considered my body-functions and possible diseases from a starting-point of avoiding pain and death.

How the blood stream, the intestines or the organs experience themselves in the human physical body is never something that has crossed my mind. Why? Because I have been entirely obsessed with my idea of myself in the mind. I have not given a shit about the body or its components and life-forms, because all I cared about was what the body could do for me, what it would get me, how I could use the body to create experiences of pleasure and excitement.

My entire life has been about indulgence, about getting to the next sensory experience and no matter how the body has responded; I have kept going and going – exactly as Anu. And the body has simply been here all along, silently and unconditionally supporting me, no matter what – exactly as the earth, the plants and animals has done for us as human beings for so long.

So this is the core of my message today and what I got from listening to the interview with Anu: that I have existed as an Anu in myself – even in the words commonly used to describe this living as “my own body” – I have perceived the human physical body as my property, not even existing in itself.

This is the thing with slavery – and quite interesting actually, that it only works as long as the one being enslaved is deprived of being considered “life”, sentience or even existing and is silenced to exist only as an object to be used. This is what the human physical body has been to me.

As I have been working with Pilates and with my body in discovering what types of food are supporting I have started to discover myself as the physical. But what I have learned first and foremost is how little I have been in my physical – that is even in itself an oxymoron that shows the absolute absurdity of how we have existed. Because no matter what we are in fact here in the physical – we are in fact here as the physical. So the fact that we can live in a way that is not physical, described not even being in the physical, but in a make-belief reality in our minds, ought to serve as a wake-up call that something is not as it should be in this world and in ourselves.

It is fascinating the belief that we must control the body through the mind, because that in itself is a form of dictatorship, where one part of the eco-system is placed above all else, as a god that dictates and decides how to live and interact. It is simply not an effective – or the best way – to exist.

So what I am looking at here is the understanding and progressing realization that the body is a multitude of equal parts, equal parts and make up a whole, the whole that is me walking around, living, typing, existing – this is the wholeness through and with which I can stand for what is best for all. As the entirety of me as the human physical body stand for what is best for all, all parts will operate optimally as they will all support each other and none will claim to be more or less than other parts. The body does not require a king or a god or a monocratic leader because it’s oneness consist of and exist as equal parts – the liver cannot exist without the kidneys functioning just like the blood and the heart work together.

It is about time that we as human beings start seeing that this is what is required on this planet, if we are to co-exist and not destroy ourselves through a simultaneous implosion and inflation of the world systems we live in and as.

The body is not a temple, but it is also not an object or a slave of consciousness. And furthermore: this entire point is in reverse; consciousness is not who I am or who we are. From that perspective consciousness is an artificial insemination that is ‘born’ from an accumulation of consequences, over and over until we began believing that all these excuses, justifications and lies, were who – and all we were.

The physical is here. The physical is the totality of what is here. And as I exist in and as a human physical body, I too am a part of that. There is no one to blame for what is here. All we can do is to as the whole take responsibility for the parts we are standing in and as, and as the parts we are standing in and as, take equal responsibility for the whole.

I am not the god over the body. I do not have “a right” to do with the body as I please.

Realizing ourselves in the moments of opportunity becomes a lot easier and accessible as we stand one and equal in the group that is the community of the human physical body, feet grounding by gently pressing into the earth below us, ears alert, eyes open, back straight and breathing ourselves in and out, through the lungs, the blood stream, the heart. In that we can stand in self-support, all parts coming together in this moment of realization – equal and one, best for all.

 

 

 

 

2012 – Gender Equality and Women’s Rights by Sunette Spies

Tags

Desteni Cult, Desteni2012, Destonians, Equal Money System, Feminism, Gender Equality, Sunette Spies, Women day, Women's Rights

“80% of the victims of human trafficking are women; 60 million girls are forced to get married every year as minors; in the European Union, which adores calling itself “civilised” and imposes itself on other regions with a top-down approach, between 40 and 50 per cent of women have been the victims of some form of sexual harassment at work; 25 per cent of women worldwide are subjected to physical or sexual abuse.
What have the 101 Women’s Days done for the one third of women beaten, coerced into sex or abused during their lifetimes in some regions of the globe? For the one sixth of American women who have been the victims of rape or partial rape or attempted rape?” View source here.

“I suggest a change in the question “What have 101 Women’s Days done…” to “What have we done?”. It is frightening in itself that Woman have to “fight to be a woman”, to “fight for rights” in this world, where countless women in this world is still haunted by a generational past of the inequality between males and females for centuries. In addition to this – many people in this world is not even aware of/educated on the struggles of women in this world; as we’re so conditioned by family/education to only be taught lessons on ‘survival of the fittest’ and ‘survival in the system/money’ and most of the REALITY of what is really going on this world is side-lined/veiled.
I suggest an approach to ‘woman’s rights’ not within the vantage point of ‘fighting it’ – because, in the very starting point of ‘fighting for something’ we’re ‘fighting against something else’, and then it simply becomes a state of war – a war within gender-equality that has, as seen within the statistics: not brought forth any solution to the current relationship between males and females in this world, especially for women.
The main problem that we’re facing here is the definitions of relationships between males and females within all the different cultural/socio-political/socio-economic factors that interplay within countries/generations.

We require a solution, where – in this world, you will not be placed in a position of responsibility only based on money, class, gender, race or culture; but each self honestly have a look at what they are ‘good at’ / ‘capable’ of doing/contributing to the world as a whole. A system that is not governed by the principles of Money, but the principle of what will contribute to all of humanity in equality and oneness for each and all to have a dignified life in this world. Where education will change to REALITY-education, getting to know ourselves, how we function/exist, the nature of all relationships within existence, how we can develop/grow/expand as human beings, and no more have education only orientated towards ‘survival of the fittest’ and ‘surviving the system of money’.
The situation of gender-equality is but one of consequential-outflows of our past generations as the sins of the fathers being passed-on throughout time, where we’ve been possessed by the voices of our past generations that has now being our mind, our thoughts, our internal conversations, our behaviours – not considering stopping, questioning that: how things has always been done, has obviously not worked to the actual betterment of humanity as clearly seen in the evidence of this world/reality.

It’s time for the generations of the young that is now here in this world to stop for a moment, to look at this practical world/reality and see: how we’ve always done things/approached people/this world has had no effect of change to anything/anyone: on the contrary – it’s gotten worse. We have to take the responsibility of what the past generations have left here: if we don’t do it – no-one will. We’ve still got a window of opportunity in this life to change/transform what is here if we all stand together.

So – we have to stand as the future, and I suggest investigating the Equal Money System and Desteni, through which and within which we’re accumulating 1 + 1 + 1 – one by one by one, as human beings that are stopping the transfer of the sins of the fathers, and standing up to take responsibility for and transform this mess that has been left to us, to prepare an existence for future generations with no more inequality, separation, conflict, wards, starvation, famine, poverty, slavery exist.
It starts with you. Join us.” – Sunette Destonian Spies

2012 – Music that Changed my Life: The Forgiveness Song by Matti Freeman

Tags

Desteni2012, Destonians, Equal Money System, Equality Song, Matti Freeman, Protest Songs, Self-Forgiveness, World Change

This song changed my life when I first found Desteni and discovered Self-Forgiveness. http://eqafe.com/i/abrix-thomsen-mfm-radio-forgiveness-song It brought a word as “Self-Forgiveness that sounded abstract and religious back to practicality and in brutal self-honesty assisted me to face myself as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as.

Music and Lyrics by Matti Freeman 2008. Matti Freeman:”This song came through shortly after I began my Process of Self Honesty with Self Forgiveness in the quest for universal equality for all life to have a world where participants act in ways that are best for all life.”

Follow Matti’s Blogs
http://matterfreeman.blogspot.com
http://equalmoneyendspoverty.blogspot.com
Matti Freeman http://www.youtube.com/mattifreeman1
Ring Tones by Matti: http://eqafe.com/categories/ringtones