Holiday Blues: Feeling Alone and without Connection. 425.

Tags

christmas blues, Desteni, emotional connections, feeling alone, feeling disconnected, feeling lonely, feeling unworthy, finding true love, holiday blues.

For a lot of people, the holidays isn’t a time to celebrate, but often a time connected with a lot of emotional pain as well as a feeling of loneliness, especially if you are comparing yourself to all the images of happy families around the globe.

In this post, I share a process of self-forgiveness I walked this Christmas on one of my deepest emotional wounds: feeling connected to and part of a group/family, and being seen as worthy by others to commit to, and for those relationships to break down. Within this process, I came to realize that I had been building a lot of my life on the drive to get away from an experience I had as a child, of feeling unwelcome, unloved and untethered in the world, only to manifest this exact experience again, as it never truly left me. I was the one who left myself, and then expected everyone else to do the same. Now I know better. Now I can continue building the foundation I never had as a child; gathering myself, and coming home to myself, one piece at a time. 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own wound onto other people who are in a relationship, where I create assumptions and ideas about their relationship to feed into my wound, without actually knowing anything about their relationship or connection, beyond what they chose to show me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience a desperate need to connect with others, because of an experience of fear and unease when I think about being all alone in the world 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a subconscious belief that I can solve the problem of feeling scared and uneasy with being alone, by finding someone to connect with, who will commit to me permanently, believing that only then will I feel at ease, feel safe and protected 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an experience of unease, discomfort and anxiety from when I was a child, where I felt like l was all alone in the world, that I didn’t have anyone to protect me, and that I have created a drive and desire to have deep connections and commitments with other people, as a way of dealing with it, not realizing how that would simply sweep the problem under the rug, and that the solution lies in going back and facing this experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach myself personally to an experience of being alone, of being disconnected and separated, where I created the belief that there was something wrong with me, when the fact of the matter is that I was feeling/sensing a global experience/situation that is as real now, as it is today. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and experience and participate in a strong drive and desire to get away from this experience of dread and disconnect by sticking my head in the sand, through entering into relationships in which I could lull myself into a false sense of safety, love and security, all the while the rest of the world raged on, and nothing was solved, except for me hiding, and eventually that having to fall apart as well, because it wasn’t real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist living with the sorrow of the world on my shoulders and in my heart, because it is frankly unbearable and excruciatingly painful, and so I’ve done everything I could, to not have to feel it, or be with it, with children that are alone, screaming in the dark with no one to save them, with animals being abused from the moment they are born until they die, with old people being forgotten and mistreated, with people who don’t fit in, who are ostracized and made alien 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated because I don’t know how to live with the sorrow and desperation of the world in my heart, and do something about it, while also living a privileged life, in which so much is built upon a denial of what is really going on in the world 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and confused because I don’t know how to reconcile living a life of privilege with knowing the depth of the pain this world has to endure, feeling like I must suffer with the suffering, and that my suffering isn’t real or valid, and that it isn’t ok for me to want people around me or to live with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is perfectly ok for me to want to align myself with people in committed relationships, especially if it supports me to make a difference and place myself in the best possible position to be my best self, and that what I need to let go of is the motivation originating in fear and lack and desperation 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not fully accept or admit to myself that I am a strong, powerful, resourceful human being, who yes, has some fucked up sides and some faults that aren’t too helpful, but that in the grand scheme of things, I have absolutely no problems with operating my life on my own, and that it is fully understandable that I can’t do all of it myself, all the time, and never make any mistakes. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to devalue myself so much, and think so little of myself, that I never allowed myself to set any requirements or standards for how I wanted relationships in my life to play out, because I felt in so much of a state of inferiority, that I believed that if I wanted a relationship, it would be up to me to adapt and adjust and be flexible, because I almost kind of believed that the other person was performing an act of charity by taking me in. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that my extreme self-devaluation and feeling of unworthiness was based on the belief that I had to make myself smaller, because the world did not want me to be big, did not want me to be strong, or fierce or powerful, and so I used my force, my fierceness, my power to make myself small, and thereby nearly destroyed myself in the process. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must take what I can get when it comes to being in a relationship with others, that I must always be ready to jump when they ask me to, because if I don’t show them that I can be valuable to them, I am out 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a deep need to connect with others, to get under their skin, and be adored by them, so that they will be devoted to me, love me, and never leave me, in contrast to my experience with my parents, where my dad wasn’t there and later died, and my mom often didn’t seem that interested in being with me, and I felt wasn’t there for me, or accessible to me, when I needed her 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize or admit to myself that my great need to connect with others, stems from my disconnect from myself, where I ultimately don’t like myself very much, deem myself unworthy, and practically speaking leave myself by going into suppression and mind-dimensions where I get caught up in energetic waves that interests me much more than being with myself – because when I am with myself, I am reminded how much I don’t like myself, of all the parts of me that I see as a failure and a disgrace 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide my actual real relationship with myself, because I don’t want it to be real, I don’t want to be confronted with it, and so my tactic is to exist in a state of disconnect, in an alternate mind reality, where I can dream up a new version of myself that I do like and feel good about. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that, until I fully embrace myself, and connect with me, others won’t be able to connect with me, even how much I want to, and even how open I am, they won’t be able to connect with me as deeply as I want to, and the relationships will fall short every single time, because they are a direct reflection of my relationship with myself. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I am safe, I am sound, I am held by life, and I do not need to rush into connecting with others, that it is ok that I take my time

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that my self-worth is dependent on others showing me love, caring for me, being there for me, being considerate and giving me attention 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel untethered and unsafe in the world because I don’t have a close-knit family, or a close-knit friend group or any other constellations of human beings whom I know will always be there for me, comparing myself to others and thinking that “everyone else has that” when the truth is that this is a romantic fairytale fantasy comparison that I’ve created in my mind as a form of cruel self-torture, ultimately as part of a program to never realize my true power or potential, or my interconnectedness with and as everything that exists 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live my life with the aim of escaping the feeling I had as a child, of feeling unsafe and untethered, only to end up with the exact same feeling, because it never left me, I was the one who left myself, never realizing that to end this feeling, is to fully welcome it into my heart, and be for myself what I didn’t have then, no matter where I am or who I am with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run on a drive to create a different life for myself than the experience I had as a child, never realizing that my drive was coming from a starting-point of fear, of fearing to be in that position again, where I felt unsafe and alone in comparison to everyone else, thus never being able to sustain my dream as it was created on a crumbling foundation of fear 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not make sure that I stand in balance, harmony and agreement with and between all my parts, as the community that I would like to create in the world, to first establish and exist as that within and as me, as a model and example of what I would like to create in the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not even be able to recognize support and safety when it is here, because I have been so immersed into and as my fear-self-shadow-run that I haven’t been able to see an accurate reflection of the world around me or what I have been creating in fact, always thinking that I need more commitment, more stability, more harmony, more beauty, to finally, one day, feel safe. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a contradictory state where I on one hand, claim to stand strong as a beacon for a new age of solidarity and community, and work hard to create and establish connection between people, and on the other I expect people to abandon me, to give up on me, to ignore me, not consider me, not prioritize me, and so I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for their love and commitment to falter, and I can never allow myself to relax or let go of control, because deep down I know, that soon enough I will be on my own again, and so I give and give and give, to prove my worth to finally be deemed good enough for a full, binding commitment, but I never truly, fully allow myself to open myself up to just that, thus creating a state of permanent limbo for myself and the people who cross my path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within and as a childhood fantasy hope that if I just work hard enough on becoming likable and lovable, some day, someone is going to come along who won’t leave me, that if I just provide enough value and worth for other people to see that they should keep me around, then they won’t leave me or deem me unworthy of their time and commitment. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I can only be met in the world with the true value and worth that I know that I am capable of, that resides within me, if I live that value and worth in and as, and towards myself in the first place.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live and exist within a starting-point of believing that if I give people everything they want of me, all the time, then at some point something will stick and someone will love me enough to stay by my side.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live and exist in a state of abandoning and neglecting myself, of not treating myself as worthy of my own love, care and consideration, of not sticking by me in the moments that matter, and then feel betrayed and hurt when others in my world treat me the same way, only mirroring and reflecting to me exactly how I am treating myself.  

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to stand by myself. 

I commit myself to honor the value and worth of my being, as something that doesn’t change, no matter how others see me or treat me. 

I commit myself to honor myself by giving myself attention, focus and care. 

I commit myself to honor myself by nourishing myself.

I commit myself to honor myself by taking care of myself, my body and my environment. 

I commit myself to stop devaluing my time by giving everything to everyone, but to instead prioritize so that I can make more of an impact. 

I commit myself to remember that I have a home in this world, and that this home is me. 

I commit myself to connect with me. 

I commit myself to stop disconnecting from myself when I see parts and aspects of myself that I don’t like. 

I commit myself to honor myself by doing things that are good for me and that supports me to grow. 

I commit myself to honor my time and my attention and to whom I give it. 

I commit myself to first establish myself as a home, myself as a community, before I try to create external communities. 

I commit myself to stop creating from a starting-point of running away from my fear. 

I commit myself to face and feel the emotional pain I felt as a child. 

I commit myself to be that for myself that I never had as a child. 

I commit myself to be upfront and honest and direct about what I want from others and to not be afraid of asking for it. 

I commit myself to commit to myself, to be my own family, to be my own partner, to be my own village, and my own parent. 

Paranoid People Pleaser. 421

Tags

Desteni, domestic abuse victim, feeling inferior in relationships, feeling unworthy, how to develop self-worth, People Pleaser, Self-Abuse, Self-Forgiveness, Self-Worth

Ok so – being a paranoid people pleaser is something that recent circumstances is nudging me to look at.

What it looks like is for example me trying to please someone by interpreting their words and signals without actually asking them about it, often leading to misunderstandings, because I think I’m being considerate, when in fact I misinterpret them.

An example is that someone says something like “I need space” or “I don’t always feel like doing this” and I take that extremely seriously and interpret it as I now have to back off from contacting that person entirely “to give them space” or I now have to take over this task permanently. The paranoid aspect is a deep fear of being disliked, of being seen as too much, as clingy, needy, annoying or a bother. So in my paranoid mind, I must do everything I can to avoid ending up in a place where the other person could think even the slightest bit bad about me, so that I can stay in their good graces. The deeper fear is being cast aside, rejected, turned away, and the belief that’s adjecting is that I am worthless and not good enough, and therefore must be on my best behavior to not risk upsetting someone, because I fully expect them to cast me aside. This ties very well with what I wrote in my last post about aloneness and self-rejection, that if I have rejected and pushed myself aside, it is no wonder that I cling to relationships with other people for validation and care and love, because it’s the only place where I’m even likely to find it, although even that is unrealistic if I don’t love myself in the first place.

It is ironic too, because this point is showing its teeth right as I am deeply immersed in a process of standing alone, on my own two feet, and am pushing the point of showing myself love and care.

It is such an incredibly unpleasant experience, feeling slightly desperate and paranoid, and it makes me ashamed and embarrassed about myself, because I judge it as something only losers would experience. I see it as weak basically.

And it is interesting too, how I’ve been hiding this aspect of me from myself for so many years, and I’ve learned to kind of just cope and survive and somehow manage to create relationships still, but it has not been without massive mental effort on my part.

It has been coming up in relation to this new friend I’ve made, whom I like very much, and have deep respect and admiration for. The depth of my affection for this friend, has triggered me to go into a state of deep inferiority, where I worry that I am not good enough for them, or that they will cast me aside due to my insecurity and tendency to become slightly neurotic. So it kind of tailspins, and I then try to compensate for my apparent inferiority and to manage my fear of being rejected, by trying to be what I think they want me to be. Like act as if I’m ok with something I’m not ok with, be extremely accommodating and flexible to the point of being self-effacing.

So – the point is that my insecurity runs way deeper than I was aware of, and I have a deep anxiety in relation to my relationship with other people. I can’t even really explain where it all started, because I remember having this experience of insecurity even as a young child, in relation to the other children on the playground.

I was more preoccupied with the relationship structures and dynamics, than I was with the content of the interaction. I’ve always been like that. I find interactive dynamics deeply fascinating, and apparently deeply frightening too lol.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that, due to having rejected myself and deemed myself as unworthy, believe that I must compensate through being acutely perceptive of other people’s boundaries and needs, and through anticipating what they want and need and feel, prevent that they become dissatisfied, angry and disappointed with me, and cast me aside.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to please others by trying to be as I think they want me to be, but base this purely on my perception and interpretation of them, that I assume is real, and as such not be considerate of them at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust and believe that what I perceive and interpret about another and what they need and want and feel is real and true, without question.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that they best way to get someone to like me and love me and attach themselves to me, is through being exactly what they want me to be, and through avoiding showing them aspects of myself that they might not agree with or find pleasing or acceptable – and as such place myself under great pressure.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be something I am not, in order to please others and have them want to be in a relationship with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when there’s someone I like, place myself into a position of inferiority, thinking that because they are so fantastic, I am not, and that I must prove myself worthy of their greatness in order for them to want to have a relationship with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a skewed and unbalanced relationship with other people and what they mean to me, because I have annihilated and rejected myself to the extent where my only option for experiencing myself as valuable or worthy is through the good graces of other people, and even with that, because I have already rejected myself and dismissed myself as unworthy, I constantly expect other people to come to the same conclusion and therefore I treat myself as unworthy in my relationship with others, because it is all I know.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react strongly when someone sets a boundary towards me or share something in my behavior that they don’t like, where I immediately recoil and pull myself away and make an instant commitment to never do that thing again, even if they may have only meant it as a momentary thing, because I am so caught in the fear of being rejected and cast aside that I won’t dare pissing them off – and at the same time underneath, there’s a part of me that’s pissed at them for blocking me in this way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame other people and hold them responsible for the relationship I create towards them, where I put myself under constant pressure to satisfy them and never piss them off, because it is exhausting and debilitating and limiting in so many ways, but because I apparently don’t exist or get a say, it must be the other person’s fault, even though this is all my very own self-creation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can control the outcome of my relationships with other people by acting in the exact way that I think they want me to, and by never making mistakes or stepping out of line, by always being accommodating and flexible and nice, and always take it upon myself to be better and change if something isn’t working between us, not realizing that I’ve created my relationships out of fear, and on the basis of fear, and that this isn’t in any way the foundation to create a relationship upon

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and subconsciously forbid myself from making demandments in a relationship, because I believe that I am in such a position of inferiority, being a bad person who’s only been lucky enough to be accepted into the relationship at the behest of the other person’s good graces, that I have no right to make any demands, and it is my job to rather be as accommodating as possible, to compensate for my apparent horribleness that the other person now have to keep up with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so flexible and so accommodating in relationships that I completely ignore my own needs and wants, only to then resent and blame the other person for making me be this way, when all along it was my own decision out of fear, and out of a belief that I am worthless.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel terribly scared and afraid that I have done something wrong whenever I do set a requirement or boundary in a relationship, because it feels like I am doing something that I’m not allowed to, that might risk the other person being angry with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do anything I can to avoid making others angry, disappointed or upset with me, by trying to be perfect and wonderful and accommodating and flexible, never even questioning what a relationship is worth, if one person is being fake and pretending like they’re something that they’re not.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can avoid someone becoming angry, disappointed or upset with me, then I can avoid them leaving and abandoning me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to grow up with an experience of feeling unwanted, not prioritized and not worthy or important to the people around me, not realizing that other people’s actions does not reflect in any way on who I am, but on their own inadequacies and subsequent neglect; something I know too well in my own relationship with my child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let me define my entire being, and create my entire life’s relationships with other people, on the basis of believing that I am inherently unworthy, because adults in my childhood neglected me due to their own inadequecies, probably born out of them being neglected and not prioritized when they were kids.

Commitment statements

I realize that my worth is not contingent upon being in a relationship with others, or upon them deeming me worthy or important

I realize that my worth is not contingent upon whether others are upset or angry due to me having set a boundary for myself.

I commit myself to honor my worth by being self-honest about what I want to participate in and what not, and I commit myself to honor my worth by sharing my wants, needs and desires with those whom I wish to be in a relationship with.

I commit myself to push through the fear of setting boundaries for myself in my relationship with others and my fear of them leaving me if I say something that upset them.

Life as A Loser’s Game. 418

Tags

Being a Loser, Desteni, Desteni blog, Desteni I Process, failing at life, feeling like a loser, I am a loser, joy of failing, loser's game

I have had two dreams within days of each other in which the theme is me being a loser basically.

In the first dream, I was with my family and I was playing the role of being codependent, weak and unable to do things for myself. Both my family and myself accepted that this was who I was.

In the second dream, I was with two colleagues/friends, and they rejected me from leading a project without reason, which sent me crying my eyes out, but we all knew that it was because I was a loser. In this dream, I was not ok with not being given a leadership position. I couldn’t understand why, but then instead of speaking up for myself, I just started crying and basically confirmed why they didn’t pick me.

I had both of these dreams right after I started my #PreciousProject which is basically a process I’m walking towards accepting myself as precious, to value my time, my resources, my skills and my body.

So it’s kind of like my subconscious is sending me a signal that there is an undercurrent inner mess I need to clean up, where there is a deep part of me that still sees and experiences myself as a loser.

In both dreams I also felt like an outsider looking in. It was like my family was a unit and my colleagues were a unit, and I was the third wheel who wasn’t supposed to be there.

In many ways, this is the story of my life. I’ve always felt like an outsider. I have an ambivalent relationship with groups. On one hand, it is where I thrive the best, being part of a group, yet on the other hand, it’s also where I’ve felt the most alone.

I’ve been in and out of contexts. I’ve been a leader on projects, and I’ve been a follower. I’ve successfully been part of groups, which is something I never thought was possible as a child and teenager when I felt so extremely different.

I’ve started to see that my difference is one of my biggest strengths. Ironically, my detachment from the system is also what allows me to connect with people on a deeper level.

So there’s an element of embracing my differenceness, and then there’s an element of forgiving my seeing it as something wrong and bad, and then there’s also an element of deliberately making myself an outsider to retain my freedom, and because I’m afraid of being rejected if I truly allowing myself to be part of it.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as a loser, as someone who’s weak and therefore is codependent on others to take care of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and judge codependence as being a part thing, while honoring independence as the ultimate goal, instead of considering that we need each other in this world, that I can’t do everything on my own, and that I will need people to support me, who are skilled in areas where I am not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be codependent in a way of being resigned of my own self-responsibility of myself and to merely let others and the context of existing that I’ve tacitly accepted direct and define me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tacitly accept that I am a loser, that I am weak, and that I cannot expand beyond my limited existence of being codependent on others in a limiting way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, experience and accept myself as a fuckup, a loser and an outsider within my family, and to think and believe and accept that I will always have this role, that it is a part of who I am, instead of realizing and accepting that it is a role that I’ve been playing, because that’s how I’ve come to accept myself, yet it is not all that I am or the totality of my being

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being an outsider, and being different is automatically the same as being a loser, because I don’t follow societal rules and because I don’t pursue a career or a particular lifestyle, and because I have spent a long time fucking around doing nothing of value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being a loser and a fuckup, that I want to have this title and play this role, because I see it as honorable in an anti-hero kind of way, and because I believe it allows me to be free from pressure and expectations, and because it lets me hide from the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be proud of being an outsider because it makes me feel special and different and like I’m more than others who I judge and see as conformists and followers who aren’t as interesting as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to love defining myself as an outsider, because it lets me stay in safe distance of other people, where I can look in, but not be part of their groups, and risk ostracization and exposure

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that being a loser, a fuckup and an outsider is a role that I’ve been playing, and that I’ve imposed upon myself, due to a reaction to my differenceness AND as survival-protection mechanism, that it has never really been who I am in fact, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to harm myself, through limiting myself and judging myself and sticking myself into this box of being a loser, and accordingly define myself and my reality based on that.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that I am a fuckup who will never amount to anything, that I am a loser who doesn’t have the capacity or witt to do something of value, that I am weak and incapable of doing important things, and that I therefore need other people to carry the weight of me through life, not realizing how I am in fact an incredibly independent person, but due to this definition and judgment of myself, I don’t allow myself to rely on other people, because I fear being a loser, and I rely on them too much in certain situations, where I could have actually stood up for myself, but I believe and accept that I can’t, because I believe that I’m too weak and too much of a fuckup

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I’ve built my life upon self-rejection, upon believing that I cannot and shouldn’t trust myself or rely on myself, because I see and accept myself as a loser and a fuckup

I forgive myself that I consistently see myself through the lens of judging myself as being a loser, whenever do something that I’m not satisfied with, cementing my loser-status by thinking and believing and accepting that “this is typical me, this is just who I am. Why can’t I change?”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy seeing myself as a loser, because my self-judgment gives me a perverted sense of satisfaction, and makes me feel better about making mistakes or doing things that I consider to be bad, because then I am at least punishing myself and not being a slacker about being a slacker.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy seeing myself as a loser, because it means that I have a justification for never expecting more of myself than the standard that I’m already upholding, which means that I won’t let people down, and then they don’t have a reason to reject me or get angry with me or hate me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a positive energetic experience towards defining, seeing and experiencing myself as an ‘underdog’, actually fearing to be a powerful being, because I have conversely defined, seen and experiencing being a powerful being as something negative.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold myself in a self-definition of being a loser, both internally and in some ways externally, because it makes me feel free from obligations and from risking letting other people down

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold myself to a standard of being a loser, and thereby depend on others, because I fear stepping fully into my own power, owning myself, carrying myself and my life, because I fear that I won’t be able to have others in my life, that they will reject me and that I will ultimately be alone and without support unless I need other people

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a narrative inside myself where I believe that others are keeping me on the outside because I am a loser and inherently wrong, when the fact of the matter is that I’m the one who’s kept myself on the outside, deliberately, because I wanted to, and who have thus kept others on the outside of me, not letting them in, or truly giving them a chance to get to know me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately martyr and belittle myself just so that I don’t take the risk of standing fully in my value and worth and risk being torn down by others and losing what I manifest, so that I’d rather remain small and unfulfilled because I believe it to be the safer choice

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to shower myself with misguided love and self-care through ensuring that I stay small as a safety measure against fear of loss and disappointment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel safer having nothing, because as soon as I have or am ‘something’ I fear losing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that in lfe, things constantly move and shift and that its not possible to hang onto things either way, no matter how hard I try to protect myself from fear of failure and loss

Self-Correction

I thank myself for wanting to protect myself by making sure that I always remain small, through reminding myself that I am weak, that I am a loser and a coward without a backbone, so that I don’t risk expecting more of myself or for others to expect more of me, only to be disappointed when I fail, thereby risking people being upset and unsatisfied with me and risk losing people and a life I’ve created

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to talk myself small, either externally or inside my head, confirming that “this is who I am”, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that this is a defense mechanism that I’ve created due to fear of loss, and that its useless because nothing is permanent anyways, and so I commit myself to let go of that which I’m trying to hold onto and control and instead let life flow freely through me, and allow myself to take part and gift myself to the world unconditionally

I commit myself to stand by my greatness as a unique being, and to honor who I am, without making myself smaller as a security measure.

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Living with Being, Body AND Mind. 417

Tags

Desteni, Desteni I Process, DIP, embracing your shadow, Mind, mindfulness, shadow work

I am deep in a very personal process, which I am walking predominantly alone. I feel like my entire life and process is coming to a singular hyper-focus, which is so personal and so unique to me, that I wouldn’t know how to share it with anyone. It’s like moving reversely into a birthing canal, immersing myself in more and more internal darkness, getting to the core.

It’s a very strange place for someone like me to be, who otherwise loves nothing more than to share myself with others.

It’s an intense process and I haven’t taken a lot of time to sit down and reflect on it, so I decided to do that now, as I see that I’m not fully grounded in what’s going on.

So – I’m exploring something that’s very mind-based, but nonetheless is something that I feel a deep need to walk through, as a form of catharsis, release and merging of all parts of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

That’s really what all this is about, to embrace all parts of me, and not just the ones that are socially acceptable or that I personally like.

It’s a strange experience to walk with awareness into something that’s mind-based, and I can feel that there are moments where I slip away and I sort of lose myself completely to the energy, and I frankly don’t know if it is possible to participate in something mind-based, and not get caught up in the energy. So that’s what I am exploring.

Meanwhile, I have been postponing writing, self-forgiveness and focusing on my body. Ironically, I’m probably more healthy right now, than what I’ve ever been, so it’s definitely moving in the right direction, but I also feel a lack of grounding, like I am not anchored to the ground, but am in a floaty state, which in itself, is not comfortable, and it causes me to miss moments and compromise points.

So – I’m looking here at moving myself in a grounded, connected way, where I am in contact with my beingness awareness, at the same time as I am exploring this new point. And in all likelihood, this mind-based point is not something that will live on with me, but it’s lessons will be integrated as a part of me, and I’m grateful that I have the courage to walk it.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise things in my physical reality to participate in a mind-based point

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to without question believe and accept that to participate in a mind-based point, I have to give myself over to it, and can no longer direct myself in a grounded way with awareness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that you either participate in the mind, or you direct yourself as awareness, that it is not possible to live WITH the mind THROUGH/AS awareness, and as such, because I’m exploring a mind-based point, I haphazardly gave myself over to it, instead of exploring how its possible to walk this point WITH awareness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I would focus on grounding myself, or slow down and look at this mind-based point in awareness, that I would not want or be able to participate in it anymore, and as such I feared losing it, and instead sabotaged by myself by avoiding grounding myself in awareness IN/AS this point

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my body and relationships in my physical reality, because I was fearing to lose my mind point, and didn’t want to let it go

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mind point only because it is something I’ve suppressed for so long and have denied myself access to, and as such I feel starving for it, and desperate for what would happen if I had to shut it down again, not realizing that the point is not to lose it or to let it go, but to let it fully become a part of me, integrated in me, as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mind point, because I know instinctively that a part of my being is channeled into this mind point, but I don’t know how to transfer it from being fully a mind point to being a being awareness point, and that is thus what I am exploring right now.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created and that I still participate in an automated a deep self-distrust and self-judgment, where I am always suspicious to my own motives, and I always expect myself to do something wrong, thus not realizing, honoring or celebrating the fact that I have come a very long way, and that I do in fact trust myself to walk through this

SELF-COMMITMENT

I commit myself to find a way to explore this mind point, without losing myself in it.

I commit myself to stop compromising points and relationships in my physical reality in order to live with mind-point.

I commit myself to check in with myself throughout the day, and if needed, create a structure for when I get to participate in this mind-point, so that I make sure that I direct it and not me.

I commit myself to create a container in which I can explore this mind point, without losing myself in it, and to walk it with awareness.

I commit myself to trust myself to walk through this.

Learning to Dance to the Beat of My Own Drum. 415

Tags

being yourself, Desteni, Desteni I Process, how to accept yourself, how to be more efficient, how to be more structured, how to be yourself, how to develop work ethics

I had quite a profound moment of realization yesterday morning, after having had a chat with my DIP buddy the day prior. I’m also very inspired by my friend Kim who’s walking a very similar process at the moment.

The realization had to do with the fact that I can set myself free to be exactly as I am, that I no longer have to try to chase other people’s standards, and that the reason why I’m constantly failing at that, is because I’m not doing it as a natural expression of me.

See, some people are super tidy and organized and efficient in terms of getting things done. I am not like that. (And here I’m not talking about who I am at the depth of my beingness, because I know it’s something I have the potential to change).

I move more in increments, I often do things in spurts of efficiency, and then I have time in between where I’m either needing to rest, or focused on other things.

For the longest time, I’ve been blaming myself for the physical ailments of my body, of my overweight, of me feeling physically exhausted and unable to do things. And then I realized that, “hey, my body has ALWAYS been sensitive like this”, ever since I was born, or very young at least, so definitely before I was capable of getting myself into trouble.

But that’s the thing, I’ve been seeing myself as trouble for many years. And that self-judgment, has carried through into everything that I am not good at, and even into things that I would simply naturally do differently from others.

I’ve discovered that I function best from a starting-point of self-love and self-value, NOT from a starting-point of doing things because I believe I should. The more I love myself and care for myself, the better I take care of my environment, which is pretty obvious once you really start looking at it. But I’ve been trying to get myself to be more efficient through self-hate, self-loathing and self-judgment.

I also function best in groups, so for example when it comes to yard work, I’ve experienced being part of the Desteni group in South Africa, where we would, every day, go out for about 1 ½ hours and work the ground. In such situations, I become highly motivated, and can even motivate others, because it moves me on a very deep level to do things together. But when I am to approach such a project alone, I simply don’t do it. It’s the same with exercise. I love being in groups, but struggle to do it alone.

And then, with all of these points, because I’ve seen myself as ‘trouble’ or as a ‘bad seed’, I’ve automatically dismissed the way that things work well for me, and have pushed and pressured myself to behave how I believe you’re supposed to behave, with the result of me ending up doing nothing at all, and hating myself even more.

We have these perceptions about how the world, and we as people are supposed to work. And just like there are standards for what a beautiful body looks like, there are also standards for what characteristics that are valued in a person, and these are then impulsed to us from all directions, from movies, books, pictures and from the people around us, trying to live up to the exact same standard.

So I never knew or thought that I was allowed to be different. I believed that being efficient in this particular way was the only way to be. But the thing is, is that there are millions of different expressions and ways of being. Some beings are super slow in their expression, which causes them trouble because they live in a world that is RUN on being fast. I’ve met people who are almost like liquid in nature, you know, the really dreamy kind, who feel like they’re kind of in their own world. They also often get into trouble because they don’t fit in. Or men or boys who are super vulnerable and soft in their expression. Boy, do they get into trouble.

And in my case, I have my own rhythm, just like everyone else. This rhythm is the way that I function and operate on a natural level, its how I am, whether I’d like to be or not. Now, this doesn’t mean that these aren’t things that can’t be changed. I’m certainly not willing to live with the limitation that I’m just not someone who is very good at cleaning deeply for instance. And these things don’t necessarily have to be things that are manifested at a beingness level. I for one, see a lot of my late father in myself, in regards to these points.

But the point is, is that I can’t change myself, unless it is myself I’m changing. Meaning that, if I’m sitting here, judging myself as not being good enough, while trying to force myself to be in a way that’s totally unnatural to me, it’s not going to work. I know, you know. We’ve all tried this for years.

To actually change, I first have to get to know and understand myself. And I can’t do that, if I’m busy hating myself and pushing myself away. I actually have to embrace myself, and my quirks and fuckups, unconditionally, and say: “yes, this is who I am and I accept me.”

Only from that starting-point can I then say: “this is who I am right now, but I see it has its limitations, and it’s not who I am going to accept myself to be forever, so therefore I’m going to change.” See the difference?

And once you start deprogramming yourself, to literally pull your head out of the matrix (the world system integrated into your mind), so that you aren’t defined by its premises, you can actually start to see another layer of reality, in which things function on a completely different level. Like for instance, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter if I am overweight. I can do everything I came here to do, while being overweight. Overweight is only important in the context of how we in the matrix value body image. That doesn’t mean it can’t be supportive for the body to lose weight, but it’s certainly not something I’m going to bend over backwards, and harm myself, to do.

I actually get to be my own quirky self, and move myself based on the things that make sense to me, and be efficient in a way that works for me, and interestingly, the more that I apply this approach, the more efficient I actually become. That is because I’m for the first time in my life, in actual alignment with myself. I’m moving from a place of self-love, and what is best for all, and that is the most healthy place to be.

Looking at 10 Years through the Review Mirror. 413

Tags

#bestdecadeever, best decade ever, Desteni, DIP Lite, DIP Process., dream journal, dreambook, mel robbins, my goals and dreams, new years resolutions

I’ve been wanting to do a 10 year review, because I know that these types of exercises are supportive for me. I tend to have a rather bleak look at my own progress/success, so this type of exercise is supportive for me to push myself to ALSO look at how far I’ve actually come in 10 years. So a couple of days ago I signed up to join Mel Robbins #Bestdecadever prompt, in which we during 6 days in the beginning of January will be exploring our dreams for the decade. This is the first exercise:

Write down the three times you felt most excited or energized in the last ten years. Think of what you were doing, who were you with, and where you were.

I will take Mel’s words and then I will explore them from a starting-point of looking at when I was most ME, at peace with myself, in total flow of my being and who I am with my beingness opening up.

1. 10 years ago when I first found Desteni and started listening to and reading the Desteni material. It is the first time in my entire life, that information has penetrated my very core so profoundly as that did, and I’ve read a TON of self-help books and spiritual books. So how I view my life now, there’s a “before Desteni” and “after Desteni.” It is literally two different lives. And those first months, I would sit and absorb everything I possibly could get my hands on. It was like my entire self was cracked wide open, and as painful as it was, it was equally glorious and such a huge relief to finally understand this existence and (to some extent) myself in it. It was literally like finding water in an endless desert.

2. When I teach, write, do tarot readings and support people through my unique way of communicating. I can understand how artists sometimes feels like they are muses of divine inspiration, because it is like all of existence opens itself up, but in a kind of boundless, liquid type of way, where I can see everything at once, yet grab nothing, and all I can do is to let it flow through me, as a point of being creative and a creator. The other aspect of this is when my words and actions support others on a fundamental level. This is my favorite thing in the whole world, to be an instrument of helping all of us on our way Home. It is also why I love Mel Robbins so much.

3. Giving birth to and being a mother to my daughter. I have never enjoyed myself so much as I do with her, and being her mom is a constant source of inspiration and motivation. I am proud of who I am as a mother, and I am proud of who she is as a person. And I simply love being with her.

What big goals have you accomplished in the last ten years? What are you most proud of?

10 years ago, right before finding Desteni I was: 

• Homeless by choice (bouncing around house sitting in an attempt to free myself of the Matrix. Joke was on me as I realized later that I AM the goddamn Matrix, i.e. it is inside of me.)
• I had several addictions, including a daily marijuana and cigarettes addiction.
• I struggled severely with connecting with others on a deeper level. I had few close relationships.
• I had cut off all contact with my family.
• I was on welfare or working odd jobs
• I had no plans for the future
• I was an emotional mess
• I avoided paying my bills or doing my taxes.
• I did not eat well or treat my body well. I ate a lot of sugar and junk.
• I did no exercise.
• I talked to no one about how I truly felt inside.

Today after having walked with Desteni for the past 10 years I: 

• Haven’t touched a drop of alcohol or any form of drug in 10 years.
• Live on a beautiful and big farm together with my husband, child and mother in law (she owns the farm) and a bunch of animals.
• Together with my husband I’ve been able to create a small savings account (something I’ve NEVER done in the past)
• I have a Master’s degree in educational sociology.
• I have several long term jobs behind me, including, teacher, counselor for refugee youth, process leader, and educational director and community college teacher.
• I’ve created a new course for teaching assistants all by myself. (my current job)
• I’ve supported 10+ people as a coach in the DIP program
• I’ve been an admin and main director for a Facebook group for porn addicts that had over 20.0000 members before Facebook shut it down.
• I’ve been an admin and creator of many other Facebook groups.
• I’ve been an admin on DIP Lite.
• I’ve had a paying coaching client.
• I’ve run a Women’s circle online for 1 year (had to stop it early due to illness).
• I’ve written more than 1600 Instagram posts that has been liked over 20.000 times.
• I’ve written at least 400 personal blog posts, and around 200 blog posts in my Teacher’s Journey to Life.
• I’ve done a training session/workshop for parents at a festival about Deschooling
• I’ve brought a class of 20 students through a 1 year degree to become teaching assistants (and am bringing another 20 through now). I’m teaching them everything I know about children and education.
• I’ve been an activist working for children’s rights for the past 6 years.
• I’ve gotten married and birthed my first child
• I’ve changed my diet significantly and now love to cook and experiment in the kitchen.
• I eat supplements and brush my teeth (I struggled with this in the past).
• I work tirelessly to inspire parents to change the world from within (and through their parenting) on a daily basis through sharing my insights and journey through parenting on Instagram and Facebook.
• I am a published author with a chapter written in the International handbook of progressive education about the french educator Celéstin Freinet
• I have written a foreword to a book about punk in education.
• I have done more than 100 videos
• I have started a podcast
• I have created a family co-op and work to inspire others to do the same
• I have written several featured articles in national newspapers, both in swedish and in danish.
• I wrote my master’s thesis in english and now master english nearly as my mother tongue, and I’ve learned to speak swedish. I use all three languages every day.
• I have two cats that I take care of and about 20 houseplants that are thriving.
• I’ve decorated a beautiful home.
• I drew and designed our kitchen.
• I’ve started learning to master my emotions, and I can now move myself from a ‘mood’ or emotional state and into stability and clarity.
• I’ve reconnected with my family.
• I’ve been with the same man for 10 years.
• I’ve become a part of my partner’s family and love them dearly.
• I’ve gotten close friends all over the world, that are near and dear to my heart.
• I’ve gotten feedback from people I’ve never met that I’ve changed their life.
• Started reconnecting with my beingness and my inner strength, and opened up my inner vision.
• Have done a ton of Pilates and Yoga.

What did you not complete that you wish you had accomplished?

• I am overweight, which I wasn’t 10 years ago, but it’s something I want to change, more than anything for my body’s sake.
• I have the exact same body issues I had 10 years ago, despite weighing 40 kg more.
• I still have some self-worth issues that I am working on change.
• I would have liked to have my own (successful) business by this point, and not have to be employed by others.
• I am not yet effective at being in a relationship.
• I still tend to get emotional from time to time.
• I haven’t yet fully learned how to work with money and administrative tasks.

What do you think held you back or kept you stuck?

• The fact that I still rely too much on my mind and trust what comes up in my mind
• That I don’t dare to trust myself
• That I follow and listen to my insecurities
• That I try to get ahead of myself and forget to bring myself with me
• That I’ve swung between extreme polarities instead of developing equilibrium
• That I haven’t stuck to the basics of doing self-forgiveness, breathing and writing
• I created and founded a network of schools around Sweden.

That’s it for now for Mel Robbins exercise. Next we’re looking at goals for 2020 and the next decade.

I AM READY. BRING IT ON. 

I’d also like to say that I’m a bit gobsmacked in realizing how much I actually accomplished and moved myself in 10 years. And this is by no means an exhaustive list. I could have kept going. And I’m happy to report that yes, I am proud of myself.

Photo by Vince Fleming on Unsplash

Seeing Opportunities OR Limitations in The Body. 410

Tags

body issues, body limitations, body problems, Body-Image, Desteni, Desteni I Process, dysphoria

One of my core issues this life is my relationship with my body. As a child I had severe food allergies which caused a lot of pain and limitations in what I could eat and what not. Here I’m exploring that from a perspective on having deliberately dissociated with my body, because I blamed it for limiting me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pressure myself and my body, by constantly being and doing everything for everyone and everything else, placing myself and my body at the very last priority, often not having time to even care for myself in a basic sense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist changing this pattern, because I’m quite satisfied with it, and see myself as a good person, who’s doing good and is sacrificing themselves for the higher good, and because I then don’t have to focus on, or confront myself with difficult points in my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop unhealthy habits and addictions to cope with the situation I’ve created for myself, where I feel like I must have a small, tiny corner of the world that is mine and mine alone, that is hidden and secret from everything and everyone, where no one can reach me or take from me, thinking with fuzzy logic that this is somehow giving me the recharge I need to carry on with everything, despite the fact that its actually yet another thing in my life that takes me away from truly caring about myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist slowing down, and resist changing how I approach my situation, because it in fact, suits my mind perfectly, to live as though I’m invincible and the body doesn’t matter, thinking that I can go on like this forever and ever, even though I know that it’s not possible.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to NOT take responsibility for developing healthy ways to cope with the situation I’ve created for myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist my body, because I fear it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my body because I believe that it is bad and wrong.

I forgive myself myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my body is bad and wrong, because I believe it is limiting me by causing me pain and other problems

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, dissociate with my body, because I was angry at it for the problems I believed it caused for me.

For me to actually live the life I want to live, and be the person I want to be, I have NO CHOICE but to give more priority to myself and my body.

I realize that a theme throughout my life, has centered around avoiding, ignoring and abusing my body, and I see that its not a sustainable way to live or exist.

I realize that it scares me to focus on my body, because I believe my body is bad and wrong, because of the limitations that it causes for me.

I realize that I’ve never really given my body a chance, and then I’ve just been building limitation after limitation on top of each other.

I am seeing that I’ve been missing the point all along, that I could have, as a child, changed my perspective and seen the opportunities in my situation, instead of only seeing limitations.

I realize that I’ve never really known what the body is capable of because I’ve never given it a chance.

I realize that I’ve been blaming the body for limiting me, when its in fact me who’s been limiting myself.

[Image by Anthony Tran for Unsplash]

Opening myself to Embrace Peace and Tranquility as a part of Me. 409

Tags

being a bad person, crazy life, demons from the past, Desteni, Desteni I Process, ghosts of the past, Good person, how to stop struggling in life, Peace, tranquil, tranquility, writing journal

My buddy in the Desteni I Process asked me two questions:

Why have you not decided to stop struggling?

And

Where do you have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for you?

When I look at the words ‘peace’ and ‘tranquility’, there’s an immediate pushing away inside myself, like I recoil when I hear/see them coming towards me, almost like they are glowing hurt (Freudian slip! I meant to write “glowing HOT), and I would burn myself if I were to try to touch them/associate with them. When I try to relate to the words, I simply feel that “they are not for me,” that they are inaccessible to me. There is also a distinct self-diminishment and holding myself down within looking at these words in this way. Like these words are too good for me, and I am not allowed to associate myself with them.

My life and my mind has been rather the exact polar opposite of peaceful and tranquil. BUT I also see a self-made narrative where I describe and reinforce myself and my life as ‘chaotic’, ‘wild’, ‘insane’, ‘loud, ‘crazy’, ‘a struggle’, ‘a fight’. In my relationship with myself it is very much an inward struggle where I believe that I must always fight myself, because there is a belief that I am inherently ‘bad’ or ‘evil’, and that I must constantly fight myself to try to be a better person.

It’s a strange belief because I don’t see a direct correlation with my life or how I was raised and this belief. In a way, it’s like I’ve always had this ‘sensitivity’ and small things could go wrong, and I’d immediately blame it on myself. Where I can however relate it, is to my mother, because she definitely lived a life of being told/experienced that she was a bad child, and actually struggled to be free of that oppression. And I’ve noticed in the past how I’ve copied mind patterns from my parents that have no ‘root’ in me because they’re essentially not mine, but in a way it makes it more difficult to walk through, because I have no memories to go back and work with as directly. It’s more like a shadow/echo pattern. So I see two possible paths here: One, I do self-forgiveness for my mother, as her, within this pattern. Two, I look at how I can practically release the pattern through practical application.

Why have I not decided to stop struggling?

Because I believe that my life is and must be a struggle. I also fear (admitting) having an easy/privileged life, because I judge people in privileged positions and believe that there is an honor in struggling.
Because I don’t think/believe I am able to. Because I have accepted and resigned to the belief that my life must be a struggle, as though that is my faith (again a Freudian slip. I meant to write “fate”), because it is what I was born into. Because I believe I am an inherently troubled person that deserves to struggle as part of my lesson to become a good, decent person.

Where do I have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for me?

I believe peace and tranquility is not for me because:

It is wrong to live in peace and tranquility when the rest of the world suffers. Then it is an illusion
I do not have the right temper/nature/life circumstance to be able to experience peace and tranquility. There is something wrong with me/my nature.
I am still too high strung, uptight and emotionally wired. I need to fight these aspects of myself to access peace and tranquility, and thus peace and tranquility are too far way for me to be able to live.

When I see my thoughts and beliefs this way, I can see that I have conditioned myself to live a very limiting and self-deprecating life. I also see that peace and tranquility IS accessible to me, but that the real version of these words is something much more grounded than the way I’ve related to these words as something pristine and sacrilegious that I can’t possibly access. Because even when I live these words, I’d still be me. It’s about allowing myself to access/create/open myself up to a potential expression of me that’s always been here, but that I haven’t allowed to exist as a part of me. It is about making these words part of me, not the other way around.

Where do I see the potential for peace tranquility in my life?

Breathing. When I breathe I commune with my body, and I create space within me. I level and balance myself, and when I breathe directively with awareness, I put my focus on being here with all of me, rather than channeling myself into the mind and suppressing the rest of me.
Moving my body directively, specifically, precisely with awareness, care and grace.
Being in/looking at nature.
Cleaning/tidying/organizing
Working with shapes/geometry creatively/artistically
After/during physical labor and/or yoga/exercise
When I consistently decide to do/be what’s best and open myself to life/myself/my being
When I work through reactions in a self-supportive way and embrace all parts of me
When I sit on the floor, ground myself, do grounding things.

So ultimately, I actually see great potential for me to live peace and tranquility. However, I’ve created so many limiting beliefs and emotions around these words that I’ve warded myself in/kept them out, not actually allowing myself to even explore the potential of these expressions within me.

I will continue more in the next post.

[Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash]

What being Hard on Yourself has to do with Delusional Self-Glorification. 408

Tags

being hard on yourself, depression, Desteni, Desteni I Process, EQAFE, hacking the mind, how to cure depression, Self-Hate, Self-Loathing, Self-Love

Throughout my life, I’ve created a pattern that is very self-destructive. It comes up when I make mistakes or when I fail at something (at least in my own eyes). I can be extremely hard on myself, and it is a terrifying feeling that leads me to want to punish and deprive myself. As someone once said, it’s a sadistic little program in the back of my mind. It is what has caused me to do a lot of self-deprecating things, and why I haven’t allowed myself to move or expand or do things to express care for myself. The flipside of it is that I’ve attempted to better myself FROM a starting-point of self-loathing and self-hate, thinking that the only way I could better myself was through external validation, literally trying to change myself from the outside in. I’ve believed (subconsciously) that if I could get others to believe that I’m awesome, and if I can present enough of an awesome image outwards, it WILL change me on the inside. But under that has always been a starting-point of not believing in or valuing myself at all, and therefore not believing that I would ever change my experience of my self-worth.

It has become crystal clear to me over the past year that accepting myself and loving and embracing all of me is the key to my process. Yet self-judgment and self-punishment is a persistent thing within me. I call it “falling into the pit” when it gets really bad. This doesn’t happen very often any longer, but it is quite brutal when it does. And it takes a toll on my body. Even now as I write this, I can see and feel the self-judgment as a ‘base layer’ that taints how I see things, and this is despite having worked with it extensively for many years. So a big question that pops up in me is: how do I let it go.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a pattern where I attempt to change myself from the outside in, through external validation of worth, through creating an inflated projection of myself that I present to the world as who I am, and feverishly try to make real, because I have in essence given up on myself inside, because I loathe myself so extensively, that I don’t believe or accept myself as worthy or valuable through simply being me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that my sense of self-worth is completely entangled with receiving external validation, to the point where I can’t separate the two or detangle them from one another

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of stepping into seeing and standing by my own worth and value, because I do not value it as much as I value the experience I get when I feel validated by others, because I don’t see myself as equally important

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself through a constant lens of self-judgment and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted or allowed myself to be patient with myself and to actually give myself credit for the process I have walked and the steps I have already taken towards change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience such extreme and intense guilt, shame, self-judgment and self-hate that I feel like I can barely stand being in my skin, like I can’t handle the sheer intensity of the experience, and so to cope with even just being inside myself, I do anything I can to ignore and get away from the experience, by distracting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I see that I have made a mistake, or done something that wasn’t acceptable in a certain context that triggers this experience, such as in my parenting, to immediately see myself as a bad and horrible person that doesn’t deserve to live or be a mother, where my entire experience of myself becomes engulfed in this view, like a dark cloud that I wrap myself in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I hate myself when I do things that I see as unacceptable because it is so far from my expectations to myself and my image of myself when I am in a ‘high’ point within me and things are going seemingly great

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the high I experience when I feel ‘on top’ isn’t in fact a natural state, or who or how I’m supposed to be, as it is an energetically charged experience, where I for whatever reason have lots of energy and feel great about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see or accept that the state I’m in when I’m in a high isn’t in fact real, because I desperately want it to be, because it feels so great, and it would be so awesome if it is was real, because when I’m in that state, I feel invincible, supersmart and overall glowing and fantastic, and I fear that if I let it go, I will be left with myself in a bland experience at best and at worst, I will exist as my shitty self for the rest of my life, a loser and an emotional wreck

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see or accept the connection between me highest high state and my lowest low state, and how neither is attached to actions I take, as the actions serve merely as triggers, and as such, by attaching the energetic state to an action, and to myself, I shift my focus in to a delusion where I believe that my energetic experience of myself is an actual reflection of my reality/myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not put in the actual, physical work involved in self-change, of stopping and changing my thoughts and behaviors, in the small moments, and so through changing the substance of myself, little by little, become the person, with all the fibers in my being, that I have the potential to become, steadily, consistently and irrevocably.

Self-Corrective Statements

I commit myself to focus on changing myself in the small moments throughout my day where I see that I go into thoughts, emotions or backchat, as I realize that these are the real key and core to my swinging back from one polarity to another, and it is here that I am able to change myself, rather than trying to change myself by clinging to the positive polarity only to plunge head first into the negative

I commit myself to focus on remaining level-headed, stable and grounded through the practice of slowing down, focusing on my breath, being in my body, feeling my feet and my toes, doing yoga, be in nature, do self-forgiveness out loud and in writing every day and being with the stillness of myself as often as possible – as well as living specifically, directively and deliberately with intention and focused aim

I commit myself to slow myself down as soon as I see that I am speeding up inside myself because I know that this is an indication that I’m moving into high, positive energy so that I may stop the cycle before it spins into overdrive and extremes

I commit myself to, immediately as I see that I am swinging into self-hate and self-judgment, pull myself through as self-love and self-acceptance, and to specifically go and sit or walk or move with myself with the purposed intent of bringing myself back to stability – deliberately reminding myself that this is the low after a high, it’s a chemically induced experience and I cannot latch it onto actions. Here I also deliberately question the acts that I experience are causing me to hate and judge myself, because through looking deliberately with common sense on my actions, I can see that they don’t warrant hate or judgment, but often merely needs correction.

(Photo by Pim Chu for Unsplash)

Meeting the Mind with an Open Heart. 407

Tags

betrayal, Desteni, fear of betrayal, feeling betrayed, forgiving yourself, journaling, open heart, openhearted, relationships, Self-Forgiveness, vulnerable

To say that I have had a rough week would be an understatement. And it’s all about relationships on my part. Today I found out that someone whom I’ve had a strenuous relationship with, but that I thought was going in the right direction, more or less threw me under the buss and tried to deliberately come between myself and another person. Shit like that happens all the time. But this one really got me by the balls. As I reflect on it, it is a common scenario in my life, where I dare to be open and vulnerable and trust someone a little more with my heart, only to find it being stomped on. This is a STORY I’m telling myself through. One filled with remorse, self-pity, regret and blame. It doesn’t have to be who I am anymore. And this is what I will apply SF on today.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel gutted, and like my heart has been stomped on after finding out that someone whom I thought I was developing a closer and deeper relationship with, threw me under the bus and deliberately tried to cause split between myself and another person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rely too heavily on the heart/beingness connection I feel with someone, where it is clearly obvious to me that we feel each other on a deeper level, because I then end up feeling shocked and betrayed when they revert into a nasty mind pattern to protect themselves, forgetting and not realizing how deeply immersed into the mind’s patterns most people are – even if there is at the same time a pure connection to their heart that can be felt and seen.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect that, because a person and I have a heart/beingness connection, where I feel who they are on a deeper level, we are solid, our relationship is good and we can trust each other, not realizing how – as pure and as intense that feeling is, it is at the moment only a thread of a feeling, surrounded by an array of mind pattern tentacles that weave in and out of the person and fills them up and takes them over, because that is who and what they identify as for the most part

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and betrayed when someone I thought I was reconciling with and connecting with on a deeper level, suddenly turns on me and does something that completely undermines the trust I thought we had built between us – not realizing that my disappointment is largely based on me creating unrealistic and romantic expectations about what holds a relationship together, when in fact all we had was a small – pure – life connection that hasn’t yet taken root and might not ever be able to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and sorrowful because I feel like I have lost someone and the depth of my relationship with them, when really, all I’ve lost is my illusion of unrealistic expectations where I thought the relationship was something more than what it is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that simply because a person does something unacceptable and nasty towards me – doesn’t mean that the real connection between us is gone, or that it wasn’t real to begin with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the reasoning within which I imagine the person deciding to be nasty – most likely being in a state of fear and remind myself how I too have reacted in a similar way to protect myself and my beliefs about the world – and to instead use this opportunity to make a commitment to not accept or allow myself to do that again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I don’t want anything more to do with this person, that I want to cut ties with them and that if I meet them, I don’t want to be nice to them or treat them as I have in the past, as I no longer feel I can trust them, or have a genuine, mutual connection with them – because they are apparently plotting against me behind my back, making me extremely uncomfortable to be in the same room as them, especially because it is not possible for me to speak with them about this incident

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as vulnerable again, as this is a pattern I experience runs in my life, where when I let my guard down and allow myself to be fully open and vulnerable with someone, they do something – or so I experience it – to betray or hurt me or turn their back against me when I am at my most vulnerable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel especially vulnerable, and way too open and to judge myself as stupid, when I have let my guard down in a relationship with someone and they do something I perceive as nasty or hurtful in a way that catches me off guard, because I think I should have known and I shouldn’t have let my guard down enough for them to get to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, judge and define my vulnerability and openness as a weakness – not realizing that the only weakness in these moments is my expectation of something that isn’t real, which is why I can be caught off guard in the first place, because I’ve created an idealized version of reality in my mind, where I don’t take all the variables of the human existence into consideration, and as such place myself at risk of being blindsided and betrayed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that vulnerability and openness is me opening my heart and being to connect on a deeper level – and that it is not something I can expect to be respected or received with care or love, because of who we as human beings have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in and as the mind and in and as our systems of separation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter towards the person whom I perceive have betrayed me and thrown me under the bus, not realizing how, my reactions are in direct proportion with my expectations of my relationship with this person being deeper than it really was – and that the one who is responsible for my experience, is thus me, and me alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist meeting the person whom I perceive have betrayed me with the same warmth and vulnerability and connection as I have met them with before, because I know now that their intentions towards me perhaps aren’t as pure as I thought they were, in terms of actually wanting to creating a real, trusting and respectful relationship with me, not considering how this most likely was already the case before when I had greater expectations towards them and as such, the risks are exactly the same as before, only now I actually know that the trust and depth of the relationship is not as solid as I thought it was – which is ok.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is nothing weak or dangerous in exposing myself and standing vulnerable and open before another person, even if I perceive that they’ve betrayed me or have been nasty towards me, as long as I don’t accept or allow myself to have blind spots caused by unrealistic expectations and beliefs – and as such, that it is in fact a position of strength and a position of standing as what is best for all as Iife, and that it is not something I do FOR someone else, but for/as ME, because it is the change that I want to be in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel resentment and distrust towards this person whom I perceive as though they have betrayed me, feeling like they’ve been fake and pretending to be my friend while actually scheming against me – when I first of all have no idea whether that is true, and I very well know how one can be several people at once, and secondly, the person is the same today as they were yesterday – the problem is with me creating unrealistic expectations and projections towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I cannot and do not want to be kind and natural towards this person, or to speak with them in the same ease as I have been doing, because I no longer trust them, when the fact of the matter is that I couldn’t trust them before either – as there has been no agreement or commitment to remain respectful with one another – and I know the person has not developed their awareness or self-honesty to the point of holding themselves accountable for their thoughts and backchat, and as such, I have proven to myself that it is indeed possible for me to be open hearted and vulnerable towards someone I don’t trust, and that the difference does not lie within whether they can be trusted, but in how I decide to express myself, and who I decide to be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold someone’s actions of deceit and nastiness against them, when the fact of the matter is that it just as easily could have been me, and that it has been me, and that I very well understand the extremes to which we allow ourselves to go when we accept and allow ourselves to get caught in mind patterns of fear – where our single minded focus becomes to protect what we see as ours, no matter the consequence or cost, and as such I realize that I can’t hold it against them. And the only thing I can change here, is my own expectations towards the people around me, to simply know and remember and take into account, that people are still very much immersed in the mind, despite there being beautiful openings into their heart – and that I need to keep an open heart to walk with them, as best as I can, through it.

Self-Commitment

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to resist communicating with this person whom I perceive have betrayed me, or to allow myself to be open and vulnerable in front of them, I stop and I breathe. I realize and remind myself that being open-hearted is my decision, and is something I do for myself and for all of us and not something I do because a person has earned it through being trustworthy. I realize that my being open and another being trustworthy is not connected – as I can stand completely strong and safe in my openness, no matter how another expresses themselves or how they act towards me.

I commit myself to push myself to remain open-hearted towards this person. And I commit myself to not create expectations towards what a relationship is, based on there being a heart/beingness connection, because I realize that most of us here are still very much immersed in the mind, and will, if triggered go into destructive mind patterns. I also realize that I have a responsibility to help guide us through this – with my open-heartedness and my vulnerability and strength. I commit myself to dare to keep my heart open this time. And to stand within/as it, solidly planted on my own two feet.

Photo by Joshua Sazon on Unsplash