Looking at 10 Years through the Review Mirror. 413

Tags

#bestdecadeever, best decade ever, Desteni, DIP Lite, DIP Process., dream journal, dreambook, mel robbins, my goals and dreams, new years resolutions

I’ve been wanting to do a 10 year review, because I know that these types of exercises are supportive for me. I tend to have a rather bleak look at my own progress/success, so this type of exercise is supportive for me to push myself to ALSO look at how far I’ve actually come in 10 years. So a couple of days ago I signed up to join Mel Robbins #Bestdecadever prompt, in which we during 6 days in the beginning of January will be exploring our dreams for the decade. This is the first exercise:

Write down the three times you felt most excited or energized in the last ten years. Think of what you were doing, who were you with, and where you were.

I will take Mel’s words and then I will explore them from a starting-point of looking at when I was most ME, at peace with myself, in total flow of my being and who I am with my beingness opening up.

1. 10 years ago when I first found Desteni and started listening to and reading the Desteni material. It is the first time in my entire life, that information has penetrated my very core so profoundly as that did, and I’ve read a TON of self-help books and spiritual books. So how I view my life now, there’s a “before Desteni” and “after Desteni.” It is literally two different lives. And those first months, I would sit and absorb everything I possibly could get my hands on. It was like my entire self was cracked wide open, and as painful as it was, it was equally glorious and such a huge relief to finally understand this existence and (to some extent) myself in it. It was literally like finding water in an endless desert.

2. When I teach, write, do tarot readings and support people through my unique way of communicating. I can understand how artists sometimes feels like they are muses of divine inspiration, because it is like all of existence opens itself up, but in a kind of boundless, liquid type of way, where I can see everything at once, yet grab nothing, and all I can do is to let it flow through me, as a point of being creative and a creator. The other aspect of this is when my words and actions support others on a fundamental level. This is my favorite thing in the whole world, to be an instrument of helping all of us on our way Home. It is also why I love Mel Robbins so much.

3. Giving birth to and being a mother to my daughter. I have never enjoyed myself so much as I do with her, and being her mom is a constant source of inspiration and motivation. I am proud of who I am as a mother, and I am proud of who she is as a person. And I simply love being with her.

What big goals have you accomplished in the last ten years? What are you most proud of?

10 years ago, right before finding Desteni I was: 

• Homeless by choice (bouncing around house sitting in an attempt to free myself of the Matrix. Joke was on me as I realized later that I AM the goddamn Matrix, i.e. it is inside of me.)
• I had several addictions, including a daily marijuana and cigarettes addiction.
• I struggled severely with connecting with others on a deeper level. I had few close relationships.
• I had cut off all contact with my family.
• I was on welfare or working odd jobs
• I had no plans for the future
• I was an emotional mess
• I avoided paying my bills or doing my taxes.
• I did not eat well or treat my body well. I ate a lot of sugar and junk.
• I did no exercise.
• I talked to no one about how I truly felt inside.

Today after having walked with Desteni for the past 10 years I: 

• Haven’t touched a drop of alcohol or any form of drug in 10 years.
• Live on a beautiful and big farm together with my husband, child and mother in law (she owns the farm) and a bunch of animals.
• Together with my husband I’ve been able to create a small savings account (something I’ve NEVER done in the past)
• I have a Master’s degree in educational sociology.
• I have several long term jobs behind me, including, teacher, counselor for refugee youth, process leader, and educational director and community college teacher.
• I’ve created a new course for teaching assistants all by myself. (my current job)
• I’ve supported 10+ people as a coach in the DIP program
• I’ve been an admin and main director for a Facebook group for porn addicts that had over 20.0000 members before Facebook shut it down.
• I’ve been an admin and creator of many other Facebook groups.
• I’ve been an admin on DIP Lite.
• I’ve had a paying coaching client.
• I’ve run a Women’s circle online for 1 year (had to stop it early due to illness).
• I’ve written more than 1600 Instagram posts that has been liked over 20.000 times.
• I’ve written at least 400 personal blog posts, and around 200 blog posts in my Teacher’s Journey to Life.
• I’ve done a training session/workshop for parents at a festival about Deschooling
• I’ve brought a class of 20 students through a 1 year degree to become teaching assistants (and am bringing another 20 through now). I’m teaching them everything I know about children and education.
• I’ve been an activist working for children’s rights for the past 6 years.
• I’ve gotten married and birthed my first child
• I’ve changed my diet significantly and now love to cook and experiment in the kitchen.
• I eat supplements and brush my teeth (I struggled with this in the past).
• I work tirelessly to inspire parents to change the world from within (and through their parenting) on a daily basis through sharing my insights and journey through parenting on Instagram and Facebook.
• I am a published author with a chapter written in the International handbook of progressive education about the french educator Celéstin Freinet
• I have written a foreword to a book about punk in education.
• I have done more than 100 videos
• I have started a podcast
• I have created a family co-op and work to inspire others to do the same
• I have written several featured articles in national newspapers, both in swedish and in danish.
• I wrote my master’s thesis in english and now master english nearly as my mother tongue, and I’ve learned to speak swedish. I use all three languages every day.
• I have two cats that I take care of and about 20 houseplants that are thriving.
• I’ve decorated a beautiful home.
• I drew and designed our kitchen.
• I’ve started learning to master my emotions, and I can now move myself from a ‘mood’ or emotional state and into stability and clarity.
• I’ve reconnected with my family.
• I’ve been with the same man for 10 years.
• I’ve become a part of my partner’s family and love them dearly.
• I’ve gotten close friends all over the world, that are near and dear to my heart.
• I’ve gotten feedback from people I’ve never met that I’ve changed their life.
• Started reconnecting with my beingness and my inner strength, and opened up my inner vision.
• Have done a ton of Pilates and Yoga.

What did you not complete that you wish you had accomplished?

• I am overweight, which I wasn’t 10 years ago, but it’s something I want to change, more than anything for my body’s sake.
• I have the exact same body issues I had 10 years ago, despite weighing 40 kg more.
• I still have some self-worth issues that I am working on change.
• I would have liked to have my own (successful) business by this point, and not have to be employed by others.
• I am not yet effective at being in a relationship.
• I still tend to get emotional from time to time.
• I haven’t yet fully learned how to work with money and administrative tasks.

What do you think held you back or kept you stuck?

• The fact that I still rely too much on my mind and trust what comes up in my mind
• That I don’t dare to trust myself
• That I follow and listen to my insecurities
• That I try to get ahead of myself and forget to bring myself with me
• That I’ve swung between extreme polarities instead of developing equilibrium
• That I haven’t stuck to the basics of doing self-forgiveness, breathing and writing
• I created and founded a network of schools around Sweden.

That’s it for now for Mel Robbins exercise. Next we’re looking at goals for 2020 and the next decade.

I AM READY. BRING IT ON. 

I’d also like to say that I’m a bit gobsmacked in realizing how much I actually accomplished and moved myself in 10 years. And this is by no means an exhaustive list. I could have kept going. And I’m happy to report that yes, I am proud of myself.

Photo by Vince Fleming on Unsplash

Seeing Opportunities OR Limitations in The Body. 410

Tags

body issues, body limitations, body problems, Body-Image, Desteni, Desteni I Process, dysphoria

One of my core issues this life is my relationship with my body. As a child I had severe food allergies which caused a lot of pain and limitations in what I could eat and what not. Here I’m exploring that from a perspective on having deliberately dissociated with my body, because I blamed it for limiting me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pressure myself and my body, by constantly being and doing everything for everyone and everything else, placing myself and my body at the very last priority, often not having time to even care for myself in a basic sense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist changing this pattern, because I’m quite satisfied with it, and see myself as a good person, who’s doing good and is sacrificing themselves for the higher good, and because I then don’t have to focus on, or confront myself with difficult points in my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop unhealthy habits and addictions to cope with the situation I’ve created for myself, where I feel like I must have a small, tiny corner of the world that is mine and mine alone, that is hidden and secret from everything and everyone, where no one can reach me or take from me, thinking with fuzzy logic that this is somehow giving me the recharge I need to carry on with everything, despite the fact that its actually yet another thing in my life that takes me away from truly caring about myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist slowing down, and resist changing how I approach my situation, because it in fact, suits my mind perfectly, to live as though I’m invincible and the body doesn’t matter, thinking that I can go on like this forever and ever, even though I know that it’s not possible.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to NOT take responsibility for developing healthy ways to cope with the situation I’ve created for myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist my body, because I fear it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my body because I believe that it is bad and wrong.

I forgive myself myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my body is bad and wrong, because I believe it is limiting me by causing me pain and other problems

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, dissociate with my body, because I was angry at it for the problems I believed it caused for me.

For me to actually live the life I want to live, and be the person I want to be, I have NO CHOICE but to give more priority to myself and my body.

I realize that a theme throughout my life, has centered around avoiding, ignoring and abusing my body, and I see that its not a sustainable way to live or exist.

I realize that it scares me to focus on my body, because I believe my body is bad and wrong, because of the limitations that it causes for me.

I realize that I’ve never really given my body a chance, and then I’ve just been building limitation after limitation on top of each other.

I am seeing that I’ve been missing the point all along, that I could have, as a child, changed my perspective and seen the opportunities in my situation, instead of only seeing limitations.

I realize that I’ve never really known what the body is capable of because I’ve never given it a chance.

I realize that I’ve been blaming the body for limiting me, when its in fact me who’s been limiting myself.

[Image by Anthony Tran for Unsplash]

Opening myself to Embrace Peace and Tranquility as a part of Me. 409

Tags

being a bad person, crazy life, demons from the past, Desteni, Desteni I Process, ghosts of the past, Good person, how to stop struggling in life, Peace, tranquil, tranquility, writing journal

My buddy in the Desteni I Process asked me two questions:

Why have you not decided to stop struggling?

And

Where do you have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for you?

When I look at the words ‘peace’ and ‘tranquility’, there’s an immediate pushing away inside myself, like I recoil when I hear/see them coming towards me, almost like they are glowing hurt (Freudian slip! I meant to write “glowing HOT), and I would burn myself if I were to try to touch them/associate with them. When I try to relate to the words, I simply feel that “they are not for me,” that they are inaccessible to me. There is also a distinct self-diminishment and holding myself down within looking at these words in this way. Like these words are too good for me, and I am not allowed to associate myself with them.

My life and my mind has been rather the exact polar opposite of peaceful and tranquil. BUT I also see a self-made narrative where I describe and reinforce myself and my life as ‘chaotic’, ‘wild’, ‘insane’, ‘loud, ‘crazy’, ‘a struggle’, ‘a fight’. In my relationship with myself it is very much an inward struggle where I believe that I must always fight myself, because there is a belief that I am inherently ‘bad’ or ‘evil’, and that I must constantly fight myself to try to be a better person.

It’s a strange belief because I don’t see a direct correlation with my life or how I was raised and this belief. In a way, it’s like I’ve always had this ‘sensitivity’ and small things could go wrong, and I’d immediately blame it on myself. Where I can however relate it, is to my mother, because she definitely lived a life of being told/experienced that she was a bad child, and actually struggled to be free of that oppression. And I’ve noticed in the past how I’ve copied mind patterns from my parents that have no ‘root’ in me because they’re essentially not mine, but in a way it makes it more difficult to walk through, because I have no memories to go back and work with as directly. It’s more like a shadow/echo pattern. So I see two possible paths here: One, I do self-forgiveness for my mother, as her, within this pattern. Two, I look at how I can practically release the pattern through practical application.

Why have I not decided to stop struggling?

Because I believe that my life is and must be a struggle. I also fear (admitting) having an easy/privileged life, because I judge people in privileged positions and believe that there is an honor in struggling.
Because I don’t think/believe I am able to. Because I have accepted and resigned to the belief that my life must be a struggle, as though that is my faith (again a Freudian slip. I meant to write “fate”), because it is what I was born into. Because I believe I am an inherently troubled person that deserves to struggle as part of my lesson to become a good, decent person.

Where do I have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for me?

I believe peace and tranquility is not for me because:

It is wrong to live in peace and tranquility when the rest of the world suffers. Then it is an illusion
I do not have the right temper/nature/life circumstance to be able to experience peace and tranquility. There is something wrong with me/my nature.
I am still too high strung, uptight and emotionally wired. I need to fight these aspects of myself to access peace and tranquility, and thus peace and tranquility are too far way for me to be able to live.

When I see my thoughts and beliefs this way, I can see that I have conditioned myself to live a very limiting and self-deprecating life. I also see that peace and tranquility IS accessible to me, but that the real version of these words is something much more grounded than the way I’ve related to these words as something pristine and sacrilegious that I can’t possibly access. Because even when I live these words, I’d still be me. It’s about allowing myself to access/create/open myself up to a potential expression of me that’s always been here, but that I haven’t allowed to exist as a part of me. It is about making these words part of me, not the other way around.

Where do I see the potential for peace tranquility in my life?

Breathing. When I breathe I commune with my body, and I create space within me. I level and balance myself, and when I breathe directively with awareness, I put my focus on being here with all of me, rather than channeling myself into the mind and suppressing the rest of me.
Moving my body directively, specifically, precisely with awareness, care and grace.
Being in/looking at nature.
Cleaning/tidying/organizing
Working with shapes/geometry creatively/artistically
After/during physical labor and/or yoga/exercise
When I consistently decide to do/be what’s best and open myself to life/myself/my being
When I work through reactions in a self-supportive way and embrace all parts of me
When I sit on the floor, ground myself, do grounding things.

So ultimately, I actually see great potential for me to live peace and tranquility. However, I’ve created so many limiting beliefs and emotions around these words that I’ve warded myself in/kept them out, not actually allowing myself to even explore the potential of these expressions within me.

I will continue more in the next post.

[Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash]

What being Hard on Yourself has to do with Delusional Self-Glorification. 408

Tags

being hard on yourself, depression, Desteni, Desteni I Process, EQAFE, hacking the mind, how to cure depression, Self-Hate, Self-Loathing, Self-Love

Throughout my life, I’ve created a pattern that is very self-destructive. It comes up when I make mistakes or when I fail at something (at least in my own eyes). I can be extremely hard on myself, and it is a terrifying feeling that leads me to want to punish and deprive myself. As someone once said, it’s a sadistic little program in the back of my mind. It is what has caused me to do a lot of self-deprecating things, and why I haven’t allowed myself to move or expand or do things to express care for myself. The flipside of it is that I’ve attempted to better myself FROM a starting-point of self-loathing and self-hate, thinking that the only way I could better myself was through external validation, literally trying to change myself from the outside in. I’ve believed (subconsciously) that if I could get others to believe that I’m awesome, and if I can present enough of an awesome image outwards, it WILL change me on the inside. But under that has always been a starting-point of not believing in or valuing myself at all, and therefore not believing that I would ever change my experience of my self-worth.

It has become crystal clear to me over the past year that accepting myself and loving and embracing all of me is the key to my process. Yet self-judgment and self-punishment is a persistent thing within me. I call it “falling into the pit” when it gets really bad. This doesn’t happen very often any longer, but it is quite brutal when it does. And it takes a toll on my body. Even now as I write this, I can see and feel the self-judgment as a ‘base layer’ that taints how I see things, and this is despite having worked with it extensively for many years. So a big question that pops up in me is: how do I let it go.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a pattern where I attempt to change myself from the outside in, through external validation of worth, through creating an inflated projection of myself that I present to the world as who I am, and feverishly try to make real, because I have in essence given up on myself inside, because I loathe myself so extensively, that I don’t believe or accept myself as worthy or valuable through simply being me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that my sense of self-worth is completely entangled with receiving external validation, to the point where I can’t separate the two or detangle them from one another

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of stepping into seeing and standing by my own worth and value, because I do not value it as much as I value the experience I get when I feel validated by others, because I don’t see myself as equally important

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself through a constant lens of self-judgment and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted or allowed myself to be patient with myself and to actually give myself credit for the process I have walked and the steps I have already taken towards change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience such extreme and intense guilt, shame, self-judgment and self-hate that I feel like I can barely stand being in my skin, like I can’t handle the sheer intensity of the experience, and so to cope with even just being inside myself, I do anything I can to ignore and get away from the experience, by distracting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I see that I have made a mistake, or done something that wasn’t acceptable in a certain context that triggers this experience, such as in my parenting, to immediately see myself as a bad and horrible person that doesn’t deserve to live or be a mother, where my entire experience of myself becomes engulfed in this view, like a dark cloud that I wrap myself in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I hate myself when I do things that I see as unacceptable because it is so far from my expectations to myself and my image of myself when I am in a ‘high’ point within me and things are going seemingly great

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the high I experience when I feel ‘on top’ isn’t in fact a natural state, or who or how I’m supposed to be, as it is an energetically charged experience, where I for whatever reason have lots of energy and feel great about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see or accept that the state I’m in when I’m in a high isn’t in fact real, because I desperately want it to be, because it feels so great, and it would be so awesome if it is was real, because when I’m in that state, I feel invincible, supersmart and overall glowing and fantastic, and I fear that if I let it go, I will be left with myself in a bland experience at best and at worst, I will exist as my shitty self for the rest of my life, a loser and an emotional wreck

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see or accept the connection between me highest high state and my lowest low state, and how neither is attached to actions I take, as the actions serve merely as triggers, and as such, by attaching the energetic state to an action, and to myself, I shift my focus in to a delusion where I believe that my energetic experience of myself is an actual reflection of my reality/myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not put in the actual, physical work involved in self-change, of stopping and changing my thoughts and behaviors, in the small moments, and so through changing the substance of myself, little by little, become the person, with all the fibers in my being, that I have the potential to become, steadily, consistently and irrevocably.

Self-Corrective Statements

I commit myself to focus on changing myself in the small moments throughout my day where I see that I go into thoughts, emotions or backchat, as I realize that these are the real key and core to my swinging back from one polarity to another, and it is here that I am able to change myself, rather than trying to change myself by clinging to the positive polarity only to plunge head first into the negative

I commit myself to focus on remaining level-headed, stable and grounded through the practice of slowing down, focusing on my breath, being in my body, feeling my feet and my toes, doing yoga, be in nature, do self-forgiveness out loud and in writing every day and being with the stillness of myself as often as possible – as well as living specifically, directively and deliberately with intention and focused aim

I commit myself to slow myself down as soon as I see that I am speeding up inside myself because I know that this is an indication that I’m moving into high, positive energy so that I may stop the cycle before it spins into overdrive and extremes

I commit myself to, immediately as I see that I am swinging into self-hate and self-judgment, pull myself through as self-love and self-acceptance, and to specifically go and sit or walk or move with myself with the purposed intent of bringing myself back to stability – deliberately reminding myself that this is the low after a high, it’s a chemically induced experience and I cannot latch it onto actions. Here I also deliberately question the acts that I experience are causing me to hate and judge myself, because through looking deliberately with common sense on my actions, I can see that they don’t warrant hate or judgment, but often merely needs correction.

(Photo by Pim Chu for Unsplash)

Meeting the Mind with an Open Heart. 407

Tags

betrayal, Desteni, fear of betrayal, feeling betrayed, forgiving yourself, journaling, open heart, openhearted, relationships, Self-Forgiveness, vulnerable

To say that I have had a rough week would be an understatement. And it’s all about relationships on my part. Today I found out that someone whom I’ve had a strenuous relationship with, but that I thought was going in the right direction, more or less threw me under the buss and tried to deliberately come between myself and another person. Shit like that happens all the time. But this one really got me by the balls. As I reflect on it, it is a common scenario in my life, where I dare to be open and vulnerable and trust someone a little more with my heart, only to find it being stomped on. This is a STORY I’m telling myself through. One filled with remorse, self-pity, regret and blame. It doesn’t have to be who I am anymore. And this is what I will apply SF on today.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel gutted, and like my heart has been stomped on after finding out that someone whom I thought I was developing a closer and deeper relationship with, threw me under the bus and deliberately tried to cause split between myself and another person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rely too heavily on the heart/beingness connection I feel with someone, where it is clearly obvious to me that we feel each other on a deeper level, because I then end up feeling shocked and betrayed when they revert into a nasty mind pattern to protect themselves, forgetting and not realizing how deeply immersed into the mind’s patterns most people are – even if there is at the same time a pure connection to their heart that can be felt and seen.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect that, because a person and I have a heart/beingness connection, where I feel who they are on a deeper level, we are solid, our relationship is good and we can trust each other, not realizing how – as pure and as intense that feeling is, it is at the moment only a thread of a feeling, surrounded by an array of mind pattern tentacles that weave in and out of the person and fills them up and takes them over, because that is who and what they identify as for the most part

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and betrayed when someone I thought I was reconciling with and connecting with on a deeper level, suddenly turns on me and does something that completely undermines the trust I thought we had built between us – not realizing that my disappointment is largely based on me creating unrealistic and romantic expectations about what holds a relationship together, when in fact all we had was a small – pure – life connection that hasn’t yet taken root and might not ever be able to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and sorrowful because I feel like I have lost someone and the depth of my relationship with them, when really, all I’ve lost is my illusion of unrealistic expectations where I thought the relationship was something more than what it is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that simply because a person does something unacceptable and nasty towards me – doesn’t mean that the real connection between us is gone, or that it wasn’t real to begin with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the reasoning within which I imagine the person deciding to be nasty – most likely being in a state of fear and remind myself how I too have reacted in a similar way to protect myself and my beliefs about the world – and to instead use this opportunity to make a commitment to not accept or allow myself to do that again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I don’t want anything more to do with this person, that I want to cut ties with them and that if I meet them, I don’t want to be nice to them or treat them as I have in the past, as I no longer feel I can trust them, or have a genuine, mutual connection with them – because they are apparently plotting against me behind my back, making me extremely uncomfortable to be in the same room as them, especially because it is not possible for me to speak with them about this incident

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as vulnerable again, as this is a pattern I experience runs in my life, where when I let my guard down and allow myself to be fully open and vulnerable with someone, they do something – or so I experience it – to betray or hurt me or turn their back against me when I am at my most vulnerable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel especially vulnerable, and way too open and to judge myself as stupid, when I have let my guard down in a relationship with someone and they do something I perceive as nasty or hurtful in a way that catches me off guard, because I think I should have known and I shouldn’t have let my guard down enough for them to get to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, judge and define my vulnerability and openness as a weakness – not realizing that the only weakness in these moments is my expectation of something that isn’t real, which is why I can be caught off guard in the first place, because I’ve created an idealized version of reality in my mind, where I don’t take all the variables of the human existence into consideration, and as such place myself at risk of being blindsided and betrayed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that vulnerability and openness is me opening my heart and being to connect on a deeper level – and that it is not something I can expect to be respected or received with care or love, because of who we as human beings have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in and as the mind and in and as our systems of separation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter towards the person whom I perceive have betrayed me and thrown me under the bus, not realizing how, my reactions are in direct proportion with my expectations of my relationship with this person being deeper than it really was – and that the one who is responsible for my experience, is thus me, and me alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist meeting the person whom I perceive have betrayed me with the same warmth and vulnerability and connection as I have met them with before, because I know now that their intentions towards me perhaps aren’t as pure as I thought they were, in terms of actually wanting to creating a real, trusting and respectful relationship with me, not considering how this most likely was already the case before when I had greater expectations towards them and as such, the risks are exactly the same as before, only now I actually know that the trust and depth of the relationship is not as solid as I thought it was – which is ok.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is nothing weak or dangerous in exposing myself and standing vulnerable and open before another person, even if I perceive that they’ve betrayed me or have been nasty towards me, as long as I don’t accept or allow myself to have blind spots caused by unrealistic expectations and beliefs – and as such, that it is in fact a position of strength and a position of standing as what is best for all as Iife, and that it is not something I do FOR someone else, but for/as ME, because it is the change that I want to be in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel resentment and distrust towards this person whom I perceive as though they have betrayed me, feeling like they’ve been fake and pretending to be my friend while actually scheming against me – when I first of all have no idea whether that is true, and I very well know how one can be several people at once, and secondly, the person is the same today as they were yesterday – the problem is with me creating unrealistic expectations and projections towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I cannot and do not want to be kind and natural towards this person, or to speak with them in the same ease as I have been doing, because I no longer trust them, when the fact of the matter is that I couldn’t trust them before either – as there has been no agreement or commitment to remain respectful with one another – and I know the person has not developed their awareness or self-honesty to the point of holding themselves accountable for their thoughts and backchat, and as such, I have proven to myself that it is indeed possible for me to be open hearted and vulnerable towards someone I don’t trust, and that the difference does not lie within whether they can be trusted, but in how I decide to express myself, and who I decide to be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold someone’s actions of deceit and nastiness against them, when the fact of the matter is that it just as easily could have been me, and that it has been me, and that I very well understand the extremes to which we allow ourselves to go when we accept and allow ourselves to get caught in mind patterns of fear – where our single minded focus becomes to protect what we see as ours, no matter the consequence or cost, and as such I realize that I can’t hold it against them. And the only thing I can change here, is my own expectations towards the people around me, to simply know and remember and take into account, that people are still very much immersed in the mind, despite there being beautiful openings into their heart – and that I need to keep an open heart to walk with them, as best as I can, through it.

Self-Commitment

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to resist communicating with this person whom I perceive have betrayed me, or to allow myself to be open and vulnerable in front of them, I stop and I breathe. I realize and remind myself that being open-hearted is my decision, and is something I do for myself and for all of us and not something I do because a person has earned it through being trustworthy. I realize that my being open and another being trustworthy is not connected – as I can stand completely strong and safe in my openness, no matter how another expresses themselves or how they act towards me.

I commit myself to push myself to remain open-hearted towards this person. And I commit myself to not create expectations towards what a relationship is, based on there being a heart/beingness connection, because I realize that most of us here are still very much immersed in the mind, and will, if triggered go into destructive mind patterns. I also realize that I have a responsibility to help guide us through this – with my open-heartedness and my vulnerability and strength. I commit myself to dare to keep my heart open this time. And to stand within/as it, solidly planted on my own two feet.

Photo by Joshua Sazon on Unsplash

Bearing Witness to a World in Suffering from a Distance. 404

Tags

bearing witness, Changing the World, Desteni, DIP, EQAFE, fear for my childrens future, fear of the future, fearing the future, Suffering, western society, zimbabwe

The other day there was a discussion about the current world situation, and in particular about nations like Zimbabwe collapsing, and the internet being shut down. It sparked a fear within me, although it’s not something I usually react to, and also something that, if I do, I can quickly speak common sense to myself and calm myself down. This time was different, and it is because I have a child, and it triggers a much deeper reaction within me. I also saw a post recently about a father in a war torn country having to sell his child. The child looked like my daughter in its expression, and the love they felt for one another was obvious. I cannot imagine having to sell my child because I can’t afford to feed it.

A bit later I asked my girl if she wanted to go upstairs and play in the bed together. Usually we don’t do that in the evening so it was a bit different. When we came up, a shift suddenly happened within her, and she froze completely, only to cling to me desperately. I had to hold her very tight, as though she wanted me to encompass her totally. Every time I tried letting go, she started wimping. It took about ten minutes. I held her in my heart and breathed and I shared with her how she could center herself inside herself and hold herself inside. Eventually I asked Viktor to come. I had a sense that it would be better if we held her together.

He came, and she climbed into his arms, sat with him, but holding herself, and in a few minutes she was fine. She’s never done that before, as she usually seeks me. But it was obvious that he was the one who could support her with stability in that moment.

I looked at the point and how I could relate, and I remembered how as a child I would experience this “existential insecurity” and I can definitely see that in my girl’s experience, and in it being directly related back to MY experience of going into this “fear of survival” which is not a common experience for me.

When looking at “Who would I be in that situation?” there is no doubt that I’d do whatever I can to protect myself. I’d go into “Let’s do this” mode. There’s not really anything to say about that.

However – the fact of the matter is that thousands and billions of people – and children right now are living under conditions that are not acceptable for anyone. And so I am confronted with feeling deeply ashamed. Ashamed that things are going so well for me, that I have it so easy. That I live in such a bubble wrapped reality (online and in the physical system here in Sweden) that I can, if I want to, completely forget about all the suffering that people experience here in this world. I’m ashamed that I can sit down and “relax” and “have fun” and take life and things for granted, beings spoiled and complain about things that others would kill to have.

Obviously a nation or world collapse can hit me as well, on a direct level, but what matters is that it’s ALREADY hitting me, as all the other parts of me. And it’s important for me to remember that, to carry that with me, and to not delude myself that the happiness I feel is real, because life might be going great for me, but for the whole as a whole its not. I’m not used to things going great for me either, so it’s definitely felt like “I made it!” and just wanting to revel in that. But I definitely also see and understand that it means that I have a greater responsibility to give back, and to do what I can to make a difference. It’s about carrying the world – as it is – with me inside my heart, and to never lose sight of that or what we’re here to do. When painful stuff comes up on my SoMe feed, I quickly scroll over it, because I feel so sick to my stomach when I see animals, humans or the planet suffering. It’s like my heart is breaking every time, and it feels like if I were to look at it, it will break. And maybe it has to. Maybe the only self-honest way to live is to walk around with a broken heart, for me at least. Cause otherwise I’d be living on a lie, and by living on a lie, I’m also capitalizing on the suffering of others standing on their backs, and there’s a deliberateness in that, when i KNOW that it’s possible to create a world where no one has to suffer. So how do one live with the state of the world in one’s heart, while at the same time remain diligent to make a difference, and perhaps even be successful at doing exactly that? I don’t know yet but I have to find out.

In the culture I live in we talk so much about how we can do “little things” to make a difference to things like climate changes, or we donate to charity or go vegan and think that we’ve done our part. But what we often don’t realize is all the myriad of other little things we do, through which we contribute to things being fucked up in this world. We are so far removed and separated from our own creation and ourselves as one, that we don’t even see the direct correlations between things we do (or don’t do), and thoughts we think, with the current state of the world. I was for instance just watching a video of two children at the same age as my girl hit by an airstrike in Syria. I feel incredibly sad and angry and despairing for these children, and when watching it, it’s almost like I can’t stand being inside myself… but at the same time, I am seeing it from a distance, I’m not a part of it, and it’s not (really) a part of me. There is a level of distance, through which I relatively comfortably allow myself to right after continue scrolling aimlessly in a state of comfortable numbness.

When looking at the world situation from a holistic perspective, it is like seeing all these dark spots of suffering around the world, and then in the middle there are these tiny white bubbles, and inside them are the rich countries of the world, the places where almost no one suffers in a fundamental sense of the word. And I am in one of those countries. And for us to change the world, only the people in these countries has the capacity to do so, because to even be capable of conceiving of creating greater ripples in society, you got to be fed, you got to sleep. You can’t worry about getting raped, or your child freezing to death. So where this whole thing lands is on the responsibility I have to do my part to make a difference in the world, which I first and foremost do through changing myself and walking through my own mind. If I don’t, if we don’t, we who actually have the opportunity to, the darkness will little by little seep into even our bubbles, and in the end, only suffering will be left.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my own privileged life, because it is so easy for me to “turn the world off” as there is very little in my culture to remind me of the true nature of the world, unless I seek it out myself. On contrary, everything in my culture supports me to remain within my little bubble, and I allow it to, directly and indirectly.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in my bubble where life is great and everything is comfortable, and not want to be disturbed in my bubble by real life events that remind me how fucked up the world is, because that brings me down, makes me sad and angry and scared, and that takes me out of my little bubble of comfort and fun and then I don’t know what to do with myself because I can’t just go and make those people’s lives better, so there’s a level of having to accept and impossible, and unacceptable situation that makes me feel desperate and powerless and I don’t like feeling desperate and powerless so therefore I do nothing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react when hearing about collapsing governments and the internet disappearing and people not having access to food, because I don’t want that to happen to me, instead of realizing that it is ALREADY happening to ME, as another me, as all the people in the world who are living in suffering RIGHT NOW who are also a part of me, and my fear is really bound in me not wanting to lose what I have, deep down knowing that what I have is built on a lie, a lie of safety and prosperity and equality and fairness – and the truth is that suffering can happen to any of us, and is, and tomorrow it might be me, and as such, this reaction is showing me that I’ve been living in an illusion in my mind, where I have been hiding from the reality of me as the greater me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively accept and allow myself to NOT care about what is going on in the world, in the real lives of real people, and despite knowing inside me the level of suffering that is going on – and that I am accepting through my creatorship – pretend like it’s all good and well in the world, because if it’s not happening to me directly, it’s not my problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it is only through me standing up, in and as my full responsibility as a creator in this world that we will be able to stop the suffering that is currently the every-day life of billions of people and animals

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid looking at images of people or animals suffering or reading such stories, because of how it makes me feel inside myself, like my heart is breaking and I can’t stand existing inside myself – giving myself the possibility to LOOK AWAY and pretend like it isn’t real, and that it isn’t happening to a part of me, and so convince myself that it’s ok for me to not concern myself with, because it’s not good for me to become upset or sad – instead of realizing that I SHOULD be upset and sad and use that to motivate me to make a difference – and to stand up in and as my creatorship in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of unawareness of what’s really going on in the world, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a mechanism and a habit to exist within me, where I deliberately will try to turn off any awareness I have of what’s really going on in the world, in terms of the extent to which people are actually really suffering

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of living in a country where suffering barely exists, and where I experience problems that aren’t real problems compared to the suffering many must go through, feeling tainted and undeserving and even unjustly targeted for my “white privilege”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself because I feel targeted and guilty for living a painfree elitist life style compared to most people in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not diligently remove and shut down all the noise of my mind that is prohibiting me from taking full responsibility as a creator in this world, and of myself

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to push myself to stand WITH the suffering of this world, and to push myself until I do everything I can in my power to make a difference, and to end suffering.

I commit myself to push myself to stop avoiding the real issues of this world, and to directively recognize and see where I with my behavior am contributing to creating and condoning the suffering of others.

I commit myself to look at the images of suffering and allow my heart to break and be broken, and to use that to motivate me to walk my process from automated consciousness to directive awareness as diligently as possible – until no actions taken by me are contributing to suffering, but are instead alleviating it.

If you want to do what I do, check out: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

I also recommend listening to this recording: https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-death-life-review

[Photo by Franke Kolleman on Unsplash]

Dedicating 2019 to my Body. 403

Tags

body love, body positive, body support, commitment to change, Desteni, DIP, love your body, new year new beginning, new years resolutions, Self-Love

I have made a commitment to dedicate this year to BODY LOVE. It is something I’ve been focusing more and more on over the past few years, and that I started really kicking into gear last year. This year I want to dedicate to my body, to have awareness and consideration with me as I move throughout my day, and do what I can to support my body to live its utmost potential. This has not always been a given. And it is not something that’s been easy for me. In fact, it’s been probably the most difficult point in my process to work and walk with. And the key to solving it has been SELF-LOVE.

So today I rubbed my chest muscles with essential oils that I let my body pick out (it chose wintergreen, geranium and ylang ylang). I want to push this point of allowing my body to come to the forefront, and trust myself to communicate with my body and listen when my body communicates. And on Saturday I’ll be going for a full body massage and facial treatment, a gift gifted to me by my in-laws for my birthday. I can tell you that my body is looking SO much forward to that one. I’ve also been pushing daily exercise/body movement, and I must say that a life lived from a place of self-love (rather than self-loathing, hate and punishment as I have in the past) is so much more enjoyable. Even the things I previously considered to be “boring” or “dull” or “annoying” are now meaningful because I come from a place of self-love. Things like broccoli, or exercise or learning how to best support my body online. Things that may be obvious for other people, who do them without hesitation. But for me, it was anything but. And slowly but surely, change is coming through, in small, everyday moments in my life. Small but significant change.

I am sharing so much about this at the moment, because I would like to support others to give themselves the same gift that I’ve been able to give to myself, finally, after so many years of being supported by others having walked the same path before me. I feel like a person who’s been walking in a desert for my entire life and has suddenly discovered that there’s an infinite source of water within me. If I can support someone to be a little less lost or dried out within themselves, I’ll happily do that. All you have to do is ask.

A NEW YEAR. A NEW Opportunity to Stand. A NEW Opportunity to Change. 401

Tags

7 year Journey to Life, be a force of nature, Desteni, Desteni I Process, DIP, inner fire, new year, new year new beginning, New Years Eve

I have decided to dedicate the remaining days of 2018 to reflecting on the years that’s passed, and in that, note the points that I will commit myself to change, expand and improve on in the new year.

One of the first points that’s come up as I have reflected on the “theme” of my 2018 experience, is that it has been one of the most INTENSE years of my life, on all fronts. I’ve never felt any more alive than I have this year. Every day has been like a roller coaster ride with intense ups and downs, and I’ve experienced myself as very “off centered” and “buzzed” half the time. This is something I would like to change; not the intensity per se (because it’s also an expression of who I am), but the roller coaster experience and then intense emotions – especially because I do not want my child to pick that up from me, and integrate it into herself as part of her. Again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But it is not supportive, when one unnecessarily spirals oneself into the belly of emotion, with the purpose of creating drama and stir shit up, but where you end up losing yourself in the emotion and believing it to be real.

I like that this year has been intense too. Like I said, I’ve never felt more alive. But there is something to be said for keeping a nice balance and remaining grounded. I do not enjoy becoming riled up over small things, and losing my shit every two seconds. It’s kind of like being bi-polar and having the manic and depressive mood swings go off at all times of the day at its worst. At its best, I am like a force of nature, a force to be reckoned with. I joked with my partner that it is like I have this new superpower, like having a beam of fire flooding from my chest, and I do not yet have control over it or know how to direct it, and so consequently, I burn everything down half the time. And I am sure my body, however strong it is, is taking a toll because of it. So in the new year, one of my goal is to give specific and clear direction to my fire and my intensity – and to ground it within me.

So what is the solution?

The way I see it, it’s really very much about creating a physical anchoring and grounding within myself, which I do for example through my commitment to start writing again, through my yoga practices, through on-the-spot self-forgiveness out loud. Ultimately I see it being about preventing these explosive moments. Sometimes it is THAT simple. I can used the earthed/earthing side of me to ground the fire that is within me, so that I can nurture and harness it in the best way possible.

The Mother of all Mothers. 399

Tags

7 year Journey to Life, becoming a mother, being a mother, Desteni, Fear of Failing, how to be the perfect mother, Motherhood, the dark side of motherhood

I have been facing some quite intense experiences in relation to my role as a mother in the recent weeks, and I have slowly but surely started to wrap my head around what has actually been going on within me, and why it has become so intense.

So what I have found is that I have created an delusional, unrealistic expectation to myself to be a perfect/optimal mother to my daughter, really like placing myself on a high horse in my mind and think that I am ‘polished/well-rounded/elite’ when it comes to my ‘skills’ at being a parent. And yes, for sure, there are aspects of parenting that I am kickass at. But of course there also plenty of aspects that I’m not. Every single personal issue I have with myself will somehow compromise or reflect on my parenting in a potentially consequential way. But I had created this delusional bubble of perfection in my mind (which I’ve realized is not the first time I’ve done), and so all my energy went into feeding that and making that real.

What this meant was that I only accepted the positive aspects of myself as a parent, and completely rejected all the negative aspects. So any experience of frustration or irritation or boredom, I would suppress. I would do my very best to sound upbeat, gentle and calm around my daughter, which I find I’ve been surprisingly good at. The only problem was that I started becoming more and more bitter and negative towards my husband.

Obviously it can be quite a turbulent period in new parents lives when a child arrives, but this was something more than that. The more positively I experienced myself with my daughter, the more negatively I experienced myself in relation to my partner – to the point where I actually considered if it would be best if we ended the relationship. He couldn’t do anything right, and I remember catching myself thinking that I would never treat a child this way. Eventually when it became really bad, the thought that I didn’t want my daughter to see or model me being this way towards her father – I stopped.

Looking back at my life, I see that I have been the same way with my cats which I’ve written about previously, and how I became neurotic in trying to give them the best home possible. But I even see how I’ve created similar delusions in the past, as my own made-up way to try to succeed in life (because I had no idea how to do it for real), so I’d create this elaborate fantasy of how I wanted things to be, and then I’d hold, hold, hold onto that as long as I possibly could, only for that bubble to burst as hard as all the daydreaming I had put into it.

So what I did today was that I embraced all that suppressed emotions that I had hidden from myself in relation to my daughter and especially also to being home with her alone. I allowed myself to embrace that feeling of being annoyed or irritated because she’s so wiggly and difficult to change clothes on. I embraced the experience of shear boredom I felt over being isolated at home with my child. And you know what, it was liberating and it was empowering, but more than anything, it supported me to relax more.

When you’re constantly trying to uphold a (totally unrealistic) expectation to yourself, a lot of hard work has to go into keeping that delusion going, so dropping all that, and instead facing what is here, gave me some ‘space’ within, to say the least.

I have realized that I resist just being here with my daughter, and I have admitted to myself that that is a problem and indeed very odd. Why would I resist being here, when I am already here? Why would that be something that scares me, bores me? So what I’ve been doing is, when that experience comes up, I deliberately immerse myself in the HERE moment, whatever it is. And the more I push myself to be here with my daughter, the less bored I feel, and the less irritated I feel.

And I have had this sneaking idea that it is like my daughter being here and me having the incredible privilege of staying home with her, is my chance and opportunity to learn how to be here, because in the past I’ve been able to resist it and blame it on not having time for example. But at the moment at least, I’ve got nothing but time. There are moments, and days where I can’t do much housework because my daughter needs me to be physically close to her at all times. Or I put her in her ‘backpack’ and strap her to my back. And since we live far out on the countryside, there isn’t many places to go, so we are for all intents and purposes ‘stuck’ here (today we went to the little local supermarket just to get out for a bit and see some people) – but maybe that is not a curse, but a tremendous blessing in disguise.

To be continued…

Living the Word STABLE. DAY 387

Tags

being emotionally unstable, being stable, being unstable, creating inner stability, Desteni, how to create inner stability, how to remain stable, how to stop being unstable, redefining the word stable, redefining words, remaining stable

If there is a word I wouldn’t often use about myself, it is the word STABLE. Ironically however, when I look at certain aspects of myself and my life there are moments of stability, moments where I am stable. I water my plants regularly every week. When I work with children, I immediately assume a deliberate inner stability because I know how much we as adults can influence children, also through that which isn’t spoken or obvious. So it is not to say that my entire being, body and mind don’t know what stability is in any form or fashion.

When I however look at the general pace and process of my life, it has exactly been signified by being unstable, both through the circumstances I was born into and brought up in and through the way my mind has worked, particularly with being emotional and using emotions as a navigation and self-identification system. So when I look at the word stable, I look at it as a word that I am generally inferior to, as something that I am not, but that I look up to, and would like to be.

The word STABLE is part of my Beingness signature recording that I mentioned in my previous blog, and as such, it is a word that is an essential/inherent part of my being that I am thus not fully embracing/expressing/living. I will therefore here explore my relationship to the word stable and how I can implement it into my life as a Living Word.

Dictionary definition.

sta·ble 1
(stā′bəl)
adj. sta·bler, sta·blest
1.
a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.
b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.
c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.
2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.
3.
a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.
b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.
4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.
5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

Etymological origin

stable (n.)
early 13c., “building or enclosure where horses or cows are kept, building for domestic animals,” from Old French stable, estable “a stable, stall” (Modern French étable), also applied to cowsheds and pigsties, from Latin stabulum “a stall, fold, aviary, beehive, lowly cottage, brothel, etc.,” literally “a standing place,” from PIE *ste-dhlo-, suffixed form of root *stā- “to stand” (see stet).

Meaning “collection of horses belonging to one stable” is attested from 1570s; transferred sense of “group of fighters under same management” is from 1897; that of “group of prostitutes working for the same employer” is from 1937.
For what the grete Stiede
Is stole, thanne he taketh hiede,
And makth the stable dore fast.
[John Gower, “Confessio Amantis,” 1390]
stable (adj.)
mid-12c., “trustworthy, reliable;” mid-13c., “constant, steadfast; virtuous;” from Old French stable, estable “constant, steadfast, unchanging,” from Latin stabilis “firm, steadfast, stable, fixed,” figuratively “durable, unwavering,” literally “able to stand,” from PIE *ste-dhli-, from root *stā- “to stand” (see stet). From c. 1300 as “well-founded, well-established, secure” (of governments, etc.). Physical sense of “secure against falling” is recorded from late 14c.; also “of even temperament.” Of nuclear isotopes, from 1904.

stet
direction to printer to disregard correction made to text, 1755, from Latin stet “let it stand,” third person singular present subjunctive of stare “to stand, stand upright, be stiff,” from PIE root *stā- “to stand, set down, make or be firm,” with derivatives meaning “place or thing that is standing” (source also of Sanskrit tisthati “stands;” Avestan histaiti “to stand;” Persian -stan “country,” literally “where one stands;” Greek histemi “put, place, cause to stand; weigh,” stasis “a standing still,” statos “placed,” stater “a weight, coin,” stylos “pillar;” Latin sistere “stand still, stop, make stand, place, produce in court,” status “manner, position, condition, attitude,” stare “to stand,” statio “station, post;” Lithuanian stojus “place myself,” statau “place;” Old Church Slavonic staja “place myself,” stanu “position;” Gothic standan, Old English standan “to stand,” stede “place,” steall “place where cattle are kept;” Old Norse steði “anvil,” stallr “pedestal for idols, altar;” German Stall “a stable;” Old Irish sessam “the act of standing”).

Sounding of the word STABLE

Standing-Able
Stay-Able
Stay-Bull
Stay-Bill
Stale-Ale
Stabile
Stabel – in Danish it means “to stack/stack on top of each other)
Staple
STA – in Scandinavian STÅ means “Stand/to stand”

Creative writing

If we look at the dictionary definition, the general understanding of STABLE is pretty much the same as the one I have, where the word specifically has to do with a person’s physical or mental health, though mostly with mental health, and as such refers to the mental state that one is in. This then also comes through in terms in for example biology where something stable is something that isn’t compromised/unpredictable/changeable.

The other side of the word, which also comes through in the etymological origin, is the more specific/practical side, of the word STABLE referring to the word STAND. Another interesting observation, is how the word literally refers to a physical stable as a “standing place” but even has connections to the word “stan” that in some languages means “place/land/country” (like AfghaniSTAN). But also “the act of standing” and “place I stand” are interesting in this context.

According to the dictionary’s definition of the word, let’s have a closer look at my relationship to/with the word STABLE

1.
a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.

With the way my mind has developed and how I have developed my mind, I have throughout my life in some situations been easily moved and disturbed. For example through my relationships with other people where I have defined myself based on my perception of their judgment of me. This has caused me to change who I am to fit in for example. Another example is in relation to being emotional, which is probably the biggest source of instability I can think of.

b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.

This I again see relating to emotion where instability comes from accepting and allowing emotions to take over and possess one’s body, mind and being. Interestingly enough I’ve also had an unstable relationships to money and economics

c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.

This point I see relates to one’s ability to stabilize after a moment of instability, where one has tools and resources available on a consistent level that one will initiate if one starts becoming unstable and so maintain or correct oneself to a level of equilibrium. In this case these tools are self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, writing and breathing in awareness.

2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.

This is then the next phase of restoring equilibrium where one has specific ‘maintenance’ tools of prevention to ensure that one doesn’t become unstable again.

3.
a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.

This I see specifically relates to how my instability may cause ripple effects on other people around me and on my environment.

b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.

This one is self-explanatory lol

4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.

5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

So these two are really interesting because they also refers to how mental instability affects the physical body and how stability on a mental level supports us to remain stable physically as well.

A friend of mine later shared her redefinition of the word STABLE which I also found very supportive:

“What I found was the word s-table – so for practical purposes I have placed a picture within that word of a table, the four legs equally balancing the top planted in the earth. So to be stable is like standing as a table, solid and balanced because if you hit it on any sides it can not be moved within it’s shape, it moves as a solid piece yes, but it always remains a table solid on the ground. Next I have placed within this word, the word courage – as core gauge to look within myself and who am I in my core? I like to check where I stand within myself, my core, as this supports with understanding if I am indeed standing stable or in reaction/movement. If I see movement, I support myself with moving into the word courage to support to stand within self honesty and what is best and change in that moment, so it’s like a check in of sorts. I also placed the word integrity within the word stable as well, here I have redefined this word as internal grit = integrity, like in situations where I need to stand stable, who am I in my internal grit – am I willing to grind the point to change, is a cool reference to access the point of ‘who will I be?’ do I react or do I stand (s)table through accessing my core – gauge = courage to live what is best for all, be the example, and do my best.”

I very much like her table analogy and completely understand it and see the value of it, like how the way the table is designed support it to remain standing because it is in equilibrium and also how she incorporates other words into a word – I haven’t played with that yet. Because for instance, I see that it would be cool for me to incorporate consistency into how I live stability.

What mind friend did which is so cool is that she doesn’t just work with the word in a superficial/pretend-like way, where one kind of things that just redefining the word will sort itself out like magic lol (I’ve done that in the past). But where she actually looks at where her ‘mental weaknesses’ are, also in relation to living a word effectively – and where she’ll then need support-words to assist her to actually fully live that word.

It is very cool as well to practically support yourself in moments of instability, for example through applying a specific supportive image or word. I also see that the only source of instability really is to be emotional – because emotions MOVE – whereas it is like thoughts are more one-dimensional/static.

I am realizing that the whole point of instability comes down to my relationship with emotions and how I have allowed emotions to literally envelop me. I have been very loyal to emotions throughout my life, blindly following them wherever they take me, defending them, protecting them, and emphasizing them.

This is what my friend wrote:

“When the emotions are moving in the moment of instability, there is like an imprint now of the words redefined as how I shared with the picture of the table, so I remember the whole point of what I wrote and redefined within this word, it brings up courage and also integrity, etc. as I expand within it, so these words become like networked or web to eventually be something in one moment I can see the whole network and transcend the instability into the new living words. I also practice these in not so intense times like always looking within myself can I live words here, what word can I live, does this word apply, if it’s a new word how can I redefine it and have it be supportive. Like the integrity word, I redefined rather recently, so it’s cool as it becomes more and more and practicing until the words become natural and I indeed live the word.”

I really like my friend’s perspective on courage and inner grit/integrity in relation to living the word STABLE. For myself I see that consistency would also be a cool word to focus on, so not just “how do I stand and keep standing?” but also “what/who do I stand as?”

What I find interesting about this exploration of the word STABLE is that it has so many connections to the word STAND. The most obvious and straightforward definition of the word I see so far is Standing Able, where it refers to how one in a situation remains able to direct oneself and the situation and stands through it, no matter what happens. Another dimension is the point of position of “where one stands”, where being stable is to “stand one’s ground”, stand with/up for oneself, which in the case of the mind means to not accept or allow oneself to be directed, controlled or pushed around by the mind.

So I kind of see two perspectives on STABLE where one has to do with a CURRENT state of being, being stable in the moment, where the other has more to do with a continuous stability, being stable over a longer period of time, as Still Standing Able or Staying Standing Able.

The image that I have, along with my friend’s image of the table, is an image of a tree. A tree stands within a solid foundation in the ground (GROUNDED) and because of that can be moved and swayed in its branches without being compromised. A tree thus isn’t stiff or inflexible, but can move to quite an extent because it has such a solid foundation. For me, I see what is so important here is therefore to focus on creating a solid foundation because that is from where stability comes from.

It is the same as with my friend’s image of the table. The table must be in equilibrium or things you place on it would fall off, as it would be wobbly and insecure. It is built through using specific measurements that ensures its stability.

Living the word STABLE for me right now is thus about STANDING ABLE and STAYING ABLE – like a tree stands and stays able to nurture itself despite of storms and snow falling on its branches, or like a table stands and stays able to carry what is placed on it through its balanced equilibrium. In my case it means standing and staying able to direct myself and my mind, to become the living principle of my being, body and mind, and to through this process, birth myself as life from the physical.

What I specifically see I have to work with to live the word stable are the words FOUNDATION, CONSISTENCY, INTEGRITY, BALANCE, FLEXIBIITY and EQUILIBRIUM.

In my next post, I will apply my friend’s method to create a network of words to support myself to live the word STABLE.

Thank you for reading!