For a lot of people, the holidays isn’t a time to celebrate, but often a time connected with a lot of emotional pain as well as a feeling of loneliness, especially if you are comparing yourself to all the images of happy families around the globe.
In this post, I share a process of self-forgiveness I walked this Christmas on one of my deepest emotional wounds: feeling connected to and part of a group/family, and being seen as worthy by others to commit to, and for those relationships to break down. Within this process, I came to realize that I had been building a lot of my life on the drive to get away from an experience I had as a child, of feeling unwelcome, unloved and untethered in the world, only to manifest this exact experience again, as it never truly left me. I was the one who left myself, and then expected everyone else to do the same. Now I know better. Now I can continue building the foundation I never had as a child; gathering myself, and coming home to myself, one piece at a time.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own wound onto other people who are in a relationship, where I create assumptions and ideas about their relationship to feed into my wound, without actually knowing anything about their relationship or connection, beyond what they chose to show me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience a desperate need to connect with others, because of an experience of fear and unease when I think about being all alone in the world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a subconscious belief that I can solve the problem of feeling scared and uneasy with being alone, by finding someone to connect with, who will commit to me permanently, believing that only then will I feel at ease, feel safe and protected
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an experience of unease, discomfort and anxiety from when I was a child, where I felt like l was all alone in the world, that I didn’t have anyone to protect me, and that I have created a drive and desire to have deep connections and commitments with other people, as a way of dealing with it, not realizing how that would simply sweep the problem under the rug, and that the solution lies in going back and facing this experience
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach myself personally to an experience of being alone, of being disconnected and separated, where I created the belief that there was something wrong with me, when the fact of the matter is that I was feeling/sensing a global experience/situation that is as real now, as it is today.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and experience and participate in a strong drive and desire to get away from this experience of dread and disconnect by sticking my head in the sand, through entering into relationships in which I could lull myself into a false sense of safety, love and security, all the while the rest of the world raged on, and nothing was solved, except for me hiding, and eventually that having to fall apart as well, because it wasn’t real
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist living with the sorrow of the world on my shoulders and in my heart, because it is frankly unbearable and excruciatingly painful, and so I’ve done everything I could, to not have to feel it, or be with it, with children that are alone, screaming in the dark with no one to save them, with animals being abused from the moment they are born until they die, with old people being forgotten and mistreated, with people who don’t fit in, who are ostracized and made alien
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated because I don’t know how to live with the sorrow and desperation of the world in my heart, and do something about it, while also living a privileged life, in which so much is built upon a denial of what is really going on in the world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and confused because I don’t know how to reconcile living a life of privilege with knowing the depth of the pain this world has to endure, feeling like I must suffer with the suffering, and that my suffering isn’t real or valid, and that it isn’t ok for me to want people around me or to live with
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is perfectly ok for me to want to align myself with people in committed relationships, especially if it supports me to make a difference and place myself in the best possible position to be my best self, and that what I need to let go of is the motivation originating in fear and lack and desperation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not fully accept or admit to myself that I am a strong, powerful, resourceful human being, who yes, has some fucked up sides and some faults that aren’t too helpful, but that in the grand scheme of things, I have absolutely no problems with operating my life on my own, and that it is fully understandable that I can’t do all of it myself, all the time, and never make any mistakes.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to devalue myself so much, and think so little of myself, that I never allowed myself to set any requirements or standards for how I wanted relationships in my life to play out, because I felt in so much of a state of inferiority, that I believed that if I wanted a relationship, it would be up to me to adapt and adjust and be flexible, because I almost kind of believed that the other person was performing an act of charity by taking me in.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that my extreme self-devaluation and feeling of unworthiness was based on the belief that I had to make myself smaller, because the world did not want me to be big, did not want me to be strong, or fierce or powerful, and so I used my force, my fierceness, my power to make myself small, and thereby nearly destroyed myself in the process.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must take what I can get when it comes to being in a relationship with others, that I must always be ready to jump when they ask me to, because if I don’t show them that I can be valuable to them, I am out
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a deep need to connect with others, to get under their skin, and be adored by them, so that they will be devoted to me, love me, and never leave me, in contrast to my experience with my parents, where my dad wasn’t there and later died, and my mom often didn’t seem that interested in being with me, and I felt wasn’t there for me, or accessible to me, when I needed her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize or admit to myself that my great need to connect with others, stems from my disconnect from myself, where I ultimately don’t like myself very much, deem myself unworthy, and practically speaking leave myself by going into suppression and mind-dimensions where I get caught up in energetic waves that interests me much more than being with myself – because when I am with myself, I am reminded how much I don’t like myself, of all the parts of me that I see as a failure and a disgrace
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide my actual real relationship with myself, because I don’t want it to be real, I don’t want to be confronted with it, and so my tactic is to exist in a state of disconnect, in an alternate mind reality, where I can dream up a new version of myself that I do like and feel good about.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that, until I fully embrace myself, and connect with me, others won’t be able to connect with me, even how much I want to, and even how open I am, they won’t be able to connect with me as deeply as I want to, and the relationships will fall short every single time, because they are a direct reflection of my relationship with myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I am safe, I am sound, I am held by life, and I do not need to rush into connecting with others, that it is ok that I take my time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that my self-worth is dependent on others showing me love, caring for me, being there for me, being considerate and giving me attention
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel untethered and unsafe in the world because I don’t have a close-knit family, or a close-knit friend group or any other constellations of human beings whom I know will always be there for me, comparing myself to others and thinking that “everyone else has that” when the truth is that this is a romantic fairytale fantasy comparison that I’ve created in my mind as a form of cruel self-torture, ultimately as part of a program to never realize my true power or potential, or my interconnectedness with and as everything that exists
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live my life with the aim of escaping the feeling I had as a child, of feeling unsafe and untethered, only to end up with the exact same feeling, because it never left me, I was the one who left myself, never realizing that to end this feeling, is to fully welcome it into my heart, and be for myself what I didn’t have then, no matter where I am or who I am with
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run on a drive to create a different life for myself than the experience I had as a child, never realizing that my drive was coming from a starting-point of fear, of fearing to be in that position again, where I felt unsafe and alone in comparison to everyone else, thus never being able to sustain my dream as it was created on a crumbling foundation of fear
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not make sure that I stand in balance, harmony and agreement with and between all my parts, as the community that I would like to create in the world, to first establish and exist as that within and as me, as a model and example of what I would like to create in the world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not even be able to recognize support and safety when it is here, because I have been so immersed into and as my fear-self-shadow-run that I haven’t been able to see an accurate reflection of the world around me or what I have been creating in fact, always thinking that I need more commitment, more stability, more harmony, more beauty, to finally, one day, feel safe.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a contradictory state where I on one hand, claim to stand strong as a beacon for a new age of solidarity and community, and work hard to create and establish connection between people, and on the other I expect people to abandon me, to give up on me, to ignore me, not consider me, not prioritize me, and so I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for their love and commitment to falter, and I can never allow myself to relax or let go of control, because deep down I know, that soon enough I will be on my own again, and so I give and give and give, to prove my worth to finally be deemed good enough for a full, binding commitment, but I never truly, fully allow myself to open myself up to just that, thus creating a state of permanent limbo for myself and the people who cross my path.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within and as a childhood fantasy hope that if I just work hard enough on becoming likable and lovable, some day, someone is going to come along who won’t leave me, that if I just provide enough value and worth for other people to see that they should keep me around, then they won’t leave me or deem me unworthy of their time and commitment.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I can only be met in the world with the true value and worth that I know that I am capable of, that resides within me, if I live that value and worth in and as, and towards myself in the first place.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live and exist within a starting-point of believing that if I give people everything they want of me, all the time, then at some point something will stick and someone will love me enough to stay by my side.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live and exist in a state of abandoning and neglecting myself, of not treating myself as worthy of my own love, care and consideration, of not sticking by me in the moments that matter, and then feel betrayed and hurt when others in my world treat me the same way, only mirroring and reflecting to me exactly how I am treating myself.
I commit myself to stand by myself.
I commit myself to honor the value and worth of my being, as something that doesn’t change, no matter how others see me or treat me.
I commit myself to honor myself by giving myself attention, focus and care.
I commit myself to honor myself by nourishing myself.
I commit myself to honor myself by taking care of myself, my body and my environment.
I commit myself to stop devaluing my time by giving everything to everyone, but to instead prioritize so that I can make more of an impact.
I commit myself to remember that I have a home in this world, and that this home is me.
I commit myself to connect with me.
I commit myself to stop disconnecting from myself when I see parts and aspects of myself that I don’t like.
I commit myself to honor myself by doing things that are good for me and that supports me to grow.
I commit myself to honor my time and my attention and to whom I give it.
I commit myself to first establish myself as a home, myself as a community, before I try to create external communities.
I commit myself to stop creating from a starting-point of running away from my fear.
I commit myself to face and feel the emotional pain I felt as a child.
I commit myself to be that for myself that I never had as a child.
I commit myself to be upfront and honest and direct about what I want from others and to not be afraid of asking for it.
I commit myself to commit to myself, to be my own family, to be my own partner, to be my own village, and my own parent.