The other day there was a discussion about the current world situation, and in particular about nations like Zimbabwe collapsing, and the internet being shut down. It sparked a fear within me, although it’s not something I usually react to, and also something that, if I do, I can quickly speak common sense to myself and calm myself down. This time was different, and it is because I have a child, and it triggers a much deeper reaction within me. I also saw a post recently about a father in a war torn country having to sell his child. The child looked like my daughter in its expression, and the love they felt for one another was obvious. I cannot imagine having to sell my child because I can’t afford to feed it.
A bit later I asked my girl if she wanted to go upstairs and play in the bed together. Usually we don’t do that in the evening so it was a bit different. When we came up, a shift suddenly happened within her, and she froze completely, only to cling to me desperately. I had to hold her very tight, as though she wanted me to encompass her totally. Every time I tried letting go, she started wimping. It took about ten minutes. I held her in my heart and breathed and I shared with her how she could center herself inside herself and hold herself inside. Eventually I asked Viktor to come. I had a sense that it would be better if we held her together.
He came, and she climbed into his arms, sat with him, but holding herself, and in a few minutes she was fine. She’s never done that before, as she usually seeks me. But it was obvious that he was the one who could support her with stability in that moment.
I looked at the point and how I could relate, and I remembered how as a child I would experience this “existential insecurity” and I can definitely see that in my girl’s experience, and in it being directly related back to MY experience of going into this “fear of survival” which is not a common experience for me.
When looking at “Who would I be in that situation?” there is no doubt that I’d do whatever I can to protect myself. I’d go into “Let’s do this” mode. There’s not really anything to say about that.
However – the fact of the matter is that thousands and billions of people – and children right now are living under conditions that are not acceptable for anyone. And so I am confronted with feeling deeply ashamed. Ashamed that things are going so well for me, that I have it so easy. That I live in such a bubble wrapped reality (online and in the physical system here in Sweden) that I can, if I want to, completely forget about all the suffering that people experience here in this world. I’m ashamed that I can sit down and “relax” and “have fun” and take life and things for granted, beings spoiled and complain about things that others would kill to have.
Obviously a nation or world collapse can hit me as well, on a direct level, but what matters is that it’s ALREADY hitting me, as all the other parts of me. And it’s important for me to remember that, to carry that with me, and to not delude myself that the happiness I feel is real, because life might be going great for me, but for the whole as a whole its not. I’m not used to things going great for me either, so it’s definitely felt like “I made it!” and just wanting to revel in that. But I definitely also see and understand that it means that I have a greater responsibility to give back, and to do what I can to make a difference. It’s about carrying the world – as it is – with me inside my heart, and to never lose sight of that or what we’re here to do. When painful stuff comes up on my SoMe feed, I quickly scroll over it, because I feel so sick to my stomach when I see animals, humans or the planet suffering. It’s like my heart is breaking every time, and it feels like if I were to look at it, it will break. And maybe it has to. Maybe the only self-honest way to live is to walk around with a broken heart, for me at least. Cause otherwise I’d be living on a lie, and by living on a lie, I’m also capitalizing on the suffering of others standing on their backs, and there’s a deliberateness in that, when i KNOW that it’s possible to create a world where no one has to suffer. So how do one live with the state of the world in one’s heart, while at the same time remain diligent to make a difference, and perhaps even be successful at doing exactly that? I don’t know yet but I have to find out.
In the culture I live in we talk so much about how we can do “little things” to make a difference to things like climate changes, or we donate to charity or go vegan and think that we’ve done our part. But what we often don’t realize is all the myriad of other little things we do, through which we contribute to things being fucked up in this world. We are so far removed and separated from our own creation and ourselves as one, that we don’t even see the direct correlations between things we do (or don’t do), and thoughts we think, with the current state of the world. I was for instance just watching a video of two children at the same age as my girl hit by an airstrike in Syria. I feel incredibly sad and angry and despairing for these children, and when watching it, it’s almost like I can’t stand being inside myself… but at the same time, I am seeing it from a distance, I’m not a part of it, and it’s not (really) a part of me. There is a level of distance, through which I relatively comfortably allow myself to right after continue scrolling aimlessly in a state of comfortable numbness.
When looking at the world situation from a holistic perspective, it is like seeing all these dark spots of suffering around the world, and then in the middle there are these tiny white bubbles, and inside them are the rich countries of the world, the places where almost no one suffers in a fundamental sense of the word. And I am in one of those countries. And for us to change the world, only the people in these countries has the capacity to do so, because to even be capable of conceiving of creating greater ripples in society, you got to be fed, you got to sleep. You can’t worry about getting raped, or your child freezing to death. So where this whole thing lands is on the responsibility I have to do my part to make a difference in the world, which I first and foremost do through changing myself and walking through my own mind. If I don’t, if we don’t, we who actually have the opportunity to, the darkness will little by little seep into even our bubbles, and in the end, only suffering will be left.
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my own privileged life, because it is so easy for me to “turn the world off” as there is very little in my culture to remind me of the true nature of the world, unless I seek it out myself. On contrary, everything in my culture supports me to remain within my little bubble, and I allow it to, directly and indirectly.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in my bubble where life is great and everything is comfortable, and not want to be disturbed in my bubble by real life events that remind me how fucked up the world is, because that brings me down, makes me sad and angry and scared, and that takes me out of my little bubble of comfort and fun and then I don’t know what to do with myself because I can’t just go and make those people’s lives better, so there’s a level of having to accept and impossible, and unacceptable situation that makes me feel desperate and powerless and I don’t like feeling desperate and powerless so therefore I do nothing.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react when hearing about collapsing governments and the internet disappearing and people not having access to food, because I don’t want that to happen to me, instead of realizing that it is ALREADY happening to ME, as another me, as all the people in the world who are living in suffering RIGHT NOW who are also a part of me, and my fear is really bound in me not wanting to lose what I have, deep down knowing that what I have is built on a lie, a lie of safety and prosperity and equality and fairness – and the truth is that suffering can happen to any of us, and is, and tomorrow it might be me, and as such, this reaction is showing me that I’ve been living in an illusion in my mind, where I have been hiding from the reality of me as the greater me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively accept and allow myself to NOT care about what is going on in the world, in the real lives of real people, and despite knowing inside me the level of suffering that is going on – and that I am accepting through my creatorship – pretend like it’s all good and well in the world, because if it’s not happening to me directly, it’s not my problem.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it is only through me standing up, in and as my full responsibility as a creator in this world that we will be able to stop the suffering that is currently the every-day life of billions of people and animals
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid looking at images of people or animals suffering or reading such stories, because of how it makes me feel inside myself, like my heart is breaking and I can’t stand existing inside myself – giving myself the possibility to LOOK AWAY and pretend like it isn’t real, and that it isn’t happening to a part of me, and so convince myself that it’s ok for me to not concern myself with, because it’s not good for me to become upset or sad – instead of realizing that I SHOULD be upset and sad and use that to motivate me to make a difference – and to stand up in and as my creatorship in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of unawareness of what’s really going on in the world, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a mechanism and a habit to exist within me, where I deliberately will try to turn off any awareness I have of what’s really going on in the world, in terms of the extent to which people are actually really suffering
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of living in a country where suffering barely exists, and where I experience problems that aren’t real problems compared to the suffering many must go through, feeling tainted and undeserving and even unjustly targeted for my “white privilege”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself because I feel targeted and guilty for living a painfree elitist life style compared to most people in this world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not diligently remove and shut down all the noise of my mind that is prohibiting me from taking full responsibility as a creator in this world, and of myself
Self-Commitments
I commit myself to push myself to stand WITH the suffering of this world, and to push myself until I do everything I can in my power to make a difference, and to end suffering.
I commit myself to push myself to stop avoiding the real issues of this world, and to directively recognize and see where I with my behavior am contributing to creating and condoning the suffering of others.
I commit myself to look at the images of suffering and allow my heart to break and be broken, and to use that to motivate me to walk my process from automated consciousness to directive awareness as diligently as possible – until no actions taken by me are contributing to suffering, but are instead alleviating it.
If you want to do what I do, check out: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
I also recommend listening to this recording: https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-death-life-review
[Photo by Franke Kolleman on Unsplash]
I am deep in a very personal process, which I am walking predominantly alone. I feel like my entire life and process is coming to a singular hyper-focus, which is so personal and so unique to me, that I wouldn’t know how to share it with anyone. It’s like moving reversely into a birthing canal, immersing myself in more and more internal darkness, getting to the core.
