The Mother of all Mothers. 399

Tags

7 year Journey to Life, becoming a mother, being a mother, Desteni, Fear of Failing, how to be the perfect mother, Motherhood, the dark side of motherhood

I have been facing some quite intense experiences in relation to my role as a mother in the recent weeks, and I have slowly but surely started to wrap my head around what has actually been going on within me, and why it has become so intense.

So what I have found is that I have created an delusional, unrealistic expectation to myself to be a perfect/optimal mother to my daughter, really like placing myself on a high horse in my mind and think that I am ‘polished/well-rounded/elite’ when it comes to my ‘skills’ at being a parent. And yes, for sure, there are aspects of parenting that I am kickass at. But of course there also plenty of aspects that I’m not. Every single personal issue I have with myself will somehow compromise or reflect on my parenting in a potentially consequential way. But I had created this delusional bubble of perfection in my mind (which I’ve realized is not the first time I’ve done), and so all my energy went into feeding that and making that real.

What this meant was that I only accepted the positive aspects of myself as a parent, and completely rejected all the negative aspects. So any experience of frustration or irritation or boredom, I would suppress. I would do my very best to sound upbeat, gentle and calm around my daughter, which I find I’ve been surprisingly good at. The only problem was that I started becoming more and more bitter and negative towards my husband.

Obviously it can be quite a turbulent period in new parents lives when a child arrives, but this was something more than that. The more positively I experienced myself with my daughter, the more negatively I experienced myself in relation to my partner – to the point where I actually considered if it would be best if we ended the relationship. He couldn’t do anything right, and I remember catching myself thinking that I would never treat a child this way. Eventually when it became really bad, the thought that I didn’t want my daughter to see or model me being this way towards her father – I stopped.

Looking back at my life, I see that I have been the same way with my cats which I’ve written about previously, and how I became neurotic in trying to give them the best home possible. But I even see how I’ve created similar delusions in the past, as my own made-up way to try to succeed in life (because I had no idea how to do it for real), so I’d create this elaborate fantasy of how I wanted things to be, and then I’d hold, hold, hold onto that as long as I possibly could, only for that bubble to burst as hard as all the daydreaming I had put into it.

So what I did today was that I embraced all that suppressed emotions that I had hidden from myself in relation to my daughter and especially also to being home with her alone. I allowed myself to embrace that feeling of being annoyed or irritated because she’s so wiggly and difficult to change clothes on. I embraced the experience of shear boredom I felt over being isolated at home with my child. And you know what, it was liberating and it was empowering, but more than anything, it supported me to relax more.

When you’re constantly trying to uphold a (totally unrealistic) expectation to yourself, a lot of hard work has to go into keeping that delusion going, so dropping all that, and instead facing what is here, gave me some ‘space’ within, to say the least.

I have realized that I resist just being here with my daughter, and I have admitted to myself that that is a problem and indeed very odd. Why would I resist being here, when I am already here? Why would that be something that scares me, bores me? So what I’ve been doing is, when that experience comes up, I deliberately immerse myself in the HERE moment, whatever it is. And the more I push myself to be here with my daughter, the less bored I feel, and the less irritated I feel.

And I have had this sneaking idea that it is like my daughter being here and me having the incredible privilege of staying home with her, is my chance and opportunity to learn how to be here, because in the past I’ve been able to resist it and blame it on not having time for example. But at the moment at least, I’ve got nothing but time. There are moments, and days where I can’t do much housework because my daughter needs me to be physically close to her at all times. Or I put her in her ‘backpack’ and strap her to my back. And since we live far out on the countryside, there isn’t many places to go, so we are for all intents and purposes ‘stuck’ here (today we went to the little local supermarket just to get out for a bit and see some people) – but maybe that is not a curse, but a tremendous blessing in disguise.

To be continued…

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Living the Word STABLE. DAY 387

Tags

being emotionally unstable, being stable, being unstable, creating inner stability, Desteni, how to create inner stability, how to remain stable, how to stop being unstable, redefining the word stable, redefining words, remaining stable

If there is a word I wouldn’t often use about myself, it is the word STABLE. Ironically however, when I look at certain aspects of myself and my life there are moments of stability, moments where I am stable. I water my plants regularly every week. When I work with children, I immediately assume a deliberate inner stability because I know how much we as adults can influence children, also through that which isn’t spoken or obvious. So it is not to say that my entire being, body and mind don’t know what stability is in any form or fashion.

When I however look at the general pace and process of my life, it has exactly been signified by being unstable, both through the circumstances I was born into and brought up in and through the way my mind has worked, particularly with being emotional and using emotions as a navigation and self-identification system. So when I look at the word stable, I look at it as a word that I am generally inferior to, as something that I am not, but that I look up to, and would like to be.

The word STABLE is part of my Beingness signature recording that I mentioned in my previous blog, and as such, it is a word that is an essential/inherent part of my being that I am thus not fully embracing/expressing/living. I will therefore here explore my relationship to the word stable and how I can implement it into my life as a Living Word.

Dictionary definition.

sta·ble 1
(stā′bəl)
adj. sta·bler, sta·blest
1.
a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.
b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.
c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.
2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.
3.
a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.
b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.
4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.
5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

Etymological origin

stable (n.)
early 13c., “building or enclosure where horses or cows are kept, building for domestic animals,” from Old French stable, estable “a stable, stall” (Modern French étable), also applied to cowsheds and pigsties, from Latin stabulum “a stall, fold, aviary, beehive, lowly cottage, brothel, etc.,” literally “a standing place,” from PIE *ste-dhlo-, suffixed form of root *stā- “to stand” (see stet).

Meaning “collection of horses belonging to one stable” is attested from 1570s; transferred sense of “group of fighters under same management” is from 1897; that of “group of prostitutes working for the same employer” is from 1937.
For what the grete Stiede
Is stole, thanne he taketh hiede,
And makth the stable dore fast.
[John Gower, “Confessio Amantis,” 1390]
stable (adj.)
mid-12c., “trustworthy, reliable;” mid-13c., “constant, steadfast; virtuous;” from Old French stable, estable “constant, steadfast, unchanging,” from Latin stabilis “firm, steadfast, stable, fixed,” figuratively “durable, unwavering,” literally “able to stand,” from PIE *ste-dhli-, from root *stā- “to stand” (see stet). From c. 1300 as “well-founded, well-established, secure” (of governments, etc.). Physical sense of “secure against falling” is recorded from late 14c.; also “of even temperament.” Of nuclear isotopes, from 1904.

stet
direction to printer to disregard correction made to text, 1755, from Latin stet “let it stand,” third person singular present subjunctive of stare “to stand, stand upright, be stiff,” from PIE root *stā- “to stand, set down, make or be firm,” with derivatives meaning “place or thing that is standing” (source also of Sanskrit tisthati “stands;” Avestan histaiti “to stand;” Persian -stan “country,” literally “where one stands;” Greek histemi “put, place, cause to stand; weigh,” stasis “a standing still,” statos “placed,” stater “a weight, coin,” stylos “pillar;” Latin sistere “stand still, stop, make stand, place, produce in court,” status “manner, position, condition, attitude,” stare “to stand,” statio “station, post;” Lithuanian stojus “place myself,” statau “place;” Old Church Slavonic staja “place myself,” stanu “position;” Gothic standan, Old English standan “to stand,” stede “place,” steall “place where cattle are kept;” Old Norse steði “anvil,” stallr “pedestal for idols, altar;” German Stall “a stable;” Old Irish sessam “the act of standing”).

Sounding of the word STABLE

Standing-Able
Stay-Able
Stay-Bull
Stay-Bill
Stale-Ale
Stabile
Stabel – in Danish it means “to stack/stack on top of each other)
Staple
STA – in Scandinavian STÅ means “Stand/to stand”

Creative writing

If we look at the dictionary definition, the general understanding of STABLE is pretty much the same as the one I have, where the word specifically has to do with a person’s physical or mental health, though mostly with mental health, and as such refers to the mental state that one is in. This then also comes through in terms in for example biology where something stable is something that isn’t compromised/unpredictable/changeable.

The other side of the word, which also comes through in the etymological origin, is the more specific/practical side, of the word STABLE referring to the word STAND. Another interesting observation, is how the word literally refers to a physical stable as a “standing place” but even has connections to the word “stan” that in some languages means “place/land/country” (like AfghaniSTAN). But also “the act of standing” and “place I stand” are interesting in this context.

According to the dictionary’s definition of the word, let’s have a closer look at my relationship to/with the word STABLE

1.
a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.

With the way my mind has developed and how I have developed my mind, I have throughout my life in some situations been easily moved and disturbed. For example through my relationships with other people where I have defined myself based on my perception of their judgment of me. This has caused me to change who I am to fit in for example. Another example is in relation to being emotional, which is probably the biggest source of instability I can think of.

b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.

This I again see relating to emotion where instability comes from accepting and allowing emotions to take over and possess one’s body, mind and being. Interestingly enough I’ve also had an unstable relationships to money and economics

c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.

This point I see relates to one’s ability to stabilize after a moment of instability, where one has tools and resources available on a consistent level that one will initiate if one starts becoming unstable and so maintain or correct oneself to a level of equilibrium. In this case these tools are self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, writing and breathing in awareness.

2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.

This is then the next phase of restoring equilibrium where one has specific ‘maintenance’ tools of prevention to ensure that one doesn’t become unstable again.

3.
a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.

This I see specifically relates to how my instability may cause ripple effects on other people around me and on my environment.

b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.

This one is self-explanatory lol

4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.

5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

So these two are really interesting because they also refers to how mental instability affects the physical body and how stability on a mental level supports us to remain stable physically as well.

A friend of mine later shared her redefinition of the word STABLE which I also found very supportive:

“What I found was the word s-table – so for practical purposes I have placed a picture within that word of a table, the four legs equally balancing the top planted in the earth. So to be stable is like standing as a table, solid and balanced because if you hit it on any sides it can not be moved within it’s shape, it moves as a solid piece yes, but it always remains a table solid on the ground. Next I have placed within this word, the word courage – as core gauge to look within myself and who am I in my core? I like to check where I stand within myself, my core, as this supports with understanding if I am indeed standing stable or in reaction/movement. If I see movement, I support myself with moving into the word courage to support to stand within self honesty and what is best and change in that moment, so it’s like a check in of sorts. I also placed the word integrity within the word stable as well, here I have redefined this word as internal grit = integrity, like in situations where I need to stand stable, who am I in my internal grit – am I willing to grind the point to change, is a cool reference to access the point of ‘who will I be?’ do I react or do I stand (s)table through accessing my core – gauge = courage to live what is best for all, be the example, and do my best.”

I very much like her table analogy and completely understand it and see the value of it, like how the way the table is designed support it to remain standing because it is in equilibrium and also how she incorporates other words into a word – I haven’t played with that yet. Because for instance, I see that it would be cool for me to incorporate consistency into how I live stability.

What mind friend did which is so cool is that she doesn’t just work with the word in a superficial/pretend-like way, where one kind of things that just redefining the word will sort itself out like magic lol (I’ve done that in the past). But where she actually looks at where her ‘mental weaknesses’ are, also in relation to living a word effectively – and where she’ll then need support-words to assist her to actually fully live that word.

It is very cool as well to practically support yourself in moments of instability, for example through applying a specific supportive image or word. I also see that the only source of instability really is to be emotional – because emotions MOVE – whereas it is like thoughts are more one-dimensional/static.

I am realizing that the whole point of instability comes down to my relationship with emotions and how I have allowed emotions to literally envelop me. I have been very loyal to emotions throughout my life, blindly following them wherever they take me, defending them, protecting them, and emphasizing them.

This is what my friend wrote:

“When the emotions are moving in the moment of instability, there is like an imprint now of the words redefined as how I shared with the picture of the table, so I remember the whole point of what I wrote and redefined within this word, it brings up courage and also integrity, etc. as I expand within it, so these words become like networked or web to eventually be something in one moment I can see the whole network and transcend the instability into the new living words. I also practice these in not so intense times like always looking within myself can I live words here, what word can I live, does this word apply, if it’s a new word how can I redefine it and have it be supportive. Like the integrity word, I redefined rather recently, so it’s cool as it becomes more and more and practicing until the words become natural and I indeed live the word.”

I really like my friend’s perspective on courage and inner grit/integrity in relation to living the word STABLE. For myself I see that consistency would also be a cool word to focus on, so not just “how do I stand and keep standing?” but also “what/who do I stand as?”

What I find interesting about this exploration of the word STABLE is that it has so many connections to the word STAND. The most obvious and straightforward definition of the word I see so far is Standing Able, where it refers to how one in a situation remains able to direct oneself and the situation and stands through it, no matter what happens. Another dimension is the point of position of “where one stands”, where being stable is to “stand one’s ground”, stand with/up for oneself, which in the case of the mind means to not accept or allow oneself to be directed, controlled or pushed around by the mind.

So I kind of see two perspectives on STABLE where one has to do with a CURRENT state of being, being stable in the moment, where the other has more to do with a continuous stability, being stable over a longer period of time, as Still Standing Able or Staying Standing Able.

The image that I have, along with my friend’s image of the table, is an image of a tree. A tree stands within a solid foundation in the ground (GROUNDED) and because of that can be moved and swayed in its branches without being compromised. A tree thus isn’t stiff or inflexible, but can move to quite an extent because it has such a solid foundation. For me, I see what is so important here is therefore to focus on creating a solid foundation because that is from where stability comes from.

It is the same as with my friend’s image of the table. The table must be in equilibrium or things you place on it would fall off, as it would be wobbly and insecure. It is built through using specific measurements that ensures its stability.

Living the word STABLE for me right now is thus about STANDING ABLE and STAYING ABLE – like a tree stands and stays able to nurture itself despite of storms and snow falling on its branches, or like a table stands and stays able to carry what is placed on it through its balanced equilibrium. In my case it means standing and staying able to direct myself and my mind, to become the living principle of my being, body and mind, and to through this process, birth myself as life from the physical.

What I specifically see I have to work with to live the word stable are the words FOUNDATION, CONSISTENCY, INTEGRITY, BALANCE, FLEXIBIITY and EQUILIBRIUM.

In my next post, I will apply my friend’s method to create a network of words to support myself to live the word STABLE.

Thank you for reading!

I have Changed. DAY 378

Tags

becoming zen, Bernard Poolman, Desteni, Desteni I Process, DIP Lite, how to change, how to stop addictions, how to stop the mind, Self Change, Self-Transformation, Sunette Spies

I have changed. I have not only changed a little, but in fact become almost an entirely new Being. I say almost because I still have some patterns, behaviors and personalities that I access and go into that has been with me for many years, but mostly, I have changed. 7 years ago I was a reactionary person. Almost anything I did and experienced was reactionary. When I say reactionary I mean that virtually all I did was to react, to things that came up inside me, to other people, to situations. I would handle one reaction by going into another reaction. When I look back at how I was, it as though I was a zombie, I existed only as reactions, desperately trying to grasp onto something real, something substantial – BECOME real, but every where I looked, I only found more deceptions, more pitfalls of fantasy that took me further and further from reality.

I knew I had potential, I have always known that, but I channeled that knowing into ego and into spiritual delusions about becoming this enlightened, ‘higher’ being – it had absolutely no grounding in reality and I did nothing to actually change or improve myself on a practical level in terms of learning skills or developing capabilities. I only focused on improving myself on a mental level and I wasn’t even very successful at that, because whatever spiritual mind game I played with myself, I always ended up with the same shitty experience of myself.

At the same time as I engaged in extreme delusions of grandeur, my self-esteem was at an absolute low. But I wasn’t even consciously aware of it, I simply reacted. I was very fearful of people, of relationships and friendships and I engaged within them reluctantly because it always made me so uncomfortable, so tense, while at the same time, there was nothing I wanted more than to really connect with another human being, with a group of people, belong somewhere and actually make something meaningful out of my life.

When I look back I can see how desperate I was, and how I wandered around my life in a haze. It was as though I had a road map to life but the drawings and writings on it had been washed away so that all I could make out was faded lines and markings that I had no idea what meant and I desperately tried following those, hoping that they would lead me somewhere where I could live my potential.

That all changed 7 years ago, in 2009 when I one day came across a group online that was nothing like anything else I had ever seen or experienced in all my years chasing after spiritual groups and communities, trying to find myself a place to belong. This group called Desteni called it like it is. There was nothing warm and fuzzy about it. In fact, it scared the living daylights out of me more than once during those first initial months. I was shocked to the core of my being of what I read and heard – but at the same time, the truth of what I heard echoed with the most certainty that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I had not a single seconds doubt that this was real. If you have not experienced it I am not sure you can understand, and it is easy to say that this is the same as what religious people experience when they ‘find god’ – but in having experienced plenty spiritual delusions in the past, I can tell you that this was something very different.

There is a stark difference between hearing something that one can use in one’s mind to feel better about oneself and to dull the fear one experience, and to hear something that literally rips your heart open and exposes every single lie you’ve ever told about yourself.

So I started – in fact for the first time – actively walking a process of changing myself, through facing all the lies inside me that I had told myself throughout my life, lies such as “the universe is good” and “it all happens for a reason” and “I was born this way I can’t help myself” and all other lies that we as human beings tell ourselves on a daily basis to keep the deception of who we are going.

At first, I wasn’t at very genuine about it. I would do the work but I wasn’t fully committed with all of myself. I am still not satisfied about the way I walk my process. But someone once said to me that the fact that I don’t easily become satisfied actually isn’t a bad thing because it means that I keep pushing myself to excel.

And this is definitely something that has changed. During these past 7 years, I have become better and better and not taking shit from myself, although I still do it from time to time. And in my case, taking shit from myself means coming up with excuses as to why I don’t push myself, why I don’t apply myself fully, why I accept myself to become emotional and let my emotions rule me, why I don’t stop when I see I become emotional. Taking shit from myself also includes being extremely harsh with myself, loathing and hating myself and taking all of that out on the body.

I am a completely different person today – and for some reason, this has been difficult for me to admit openly in this way. I think it is some ‘taboo self-censoring’ mechanism inside me where I see it as ‘wrong’ to openly express the fact that I know that I have some pretty awesome qualities. Another reason is that I often doubt myself and I still tend to go into low self-esteem where I think poorly of myself and start doubting whether I’ve changed at all.

What is really cool however is that the proof is in the physical, so even if I doubt myself in my mind, I can see in my physical reality that I have in fact changed, not only a little – but a lot.

I can see it in my communication with other people, how I have so much more space within me to embrace other people. How can I access this ‘timeless’ dimension of seeing ‘behind the veil’ of a person’s mind and in real time give them support to empower themselves within what they are facing. I have always been quite ‘sharp’ in terms of ‘seeing through’ the veils of the world, but this ability has been heightened to an extent where I’ve sometimes – almost with fear – wondered whether it was some kind of magic I accessed.

And what’s even crazier is that I know deep within me, that I’ve only just scraped the surface of what I am capable of. Even with everything I have changed, I am still only at the brink of what is possible. And sometimes I fall into a trap of accepting myself to remain in this place, because it is 100 times more awesome than where I was before and my life is so much better and richer and more enjoyable, so I sometimes get a bit lazy in thinking that I don’t have to push myself further because this is basically where I’ve always wanted to be: to be somewhere where I make a real impact in the world, to have a lovely home, a career, a man, a group of friends and a satisfying life.

But I know that I can’t stand still – and considering that I’ve barely scraped the surface of what I am capable of, I cannot even imagine what’s to come. It is almost like becoming a ‘superhero’ through a process of directively self-transformation where I am creating ‘super powers’ within me – but in reality those aren’t actually super powers, because first of all, everyone has them (although each one is different) and secondly, we only see it as super powers because we’ve lived a life of totally wasting our potential and having no idea what we’re really – and naturally – capable of.

I have matured and I have developed space inside myself (which also gives space to supporting others) and I have become so much more specific than what I was before. It has taken a very long time and I am no where near done, in fact the more I walk, the more I become aware that I have only really started and sometimes I realize that I haven’t even really started yet – and still, I have started to access this potential inside of me that was always there, which has to do with becoming the utmost version of myself.

It is kind of like taking your best qualities and amping them up to the best they can be, while becoming the directive principle over the worst qualities of yourself so that you can stop them and eventually disengage from them completely, thus leaving space for even more of the best qualities to flourish.

For me, a lot has happened to bring me to that point and I have certainly had a lot of help along the way from others who stand as examples through the process they have walked of developing their own potential – but a significant difference for me was the day I gave myself a purpose in life.

When I look back, and even now, I realize that I could have picked anything really – and that in itself is empowering – and made that my purpose, by being tenacious and creative and by using my ability to hack through the systems, but what supported me so much was to give my life a specific direction – any direction really – that supported me to become focused and driven. After that I have pushed myself so much more and especially when I have started to see that my process have started to impact others and my relationships with them, where my work has been confirmed by others independently of the inner process I am walking.

I have been able to solve conflicts both internally and externally that I would have never been able to solve before, because back then I did not have the understanding I have now, I didn’t have the capacity to take full responsibility for myself – as I mentioned: I just reacted.

I have changed, already now with my existential baby steps, more than I ever imagined was possible. I knew I had potential, but I had no idea that it was this much and this real and something that I can actually use to make a difference in the world, where my life becomes more than just me, where the fact that I exist is something beneficial to the world as a whole – now THAT is empowering.

I can only recommended walking the process that I have walked and that I am walking every day – but your process will be totally different from mine, so there’s no point in comparing or trying to become exactly like someone else. You are totally and awesomely unique and no one can walk your process for you, because it is YOUR process – you are the only one who can be self-honest with you and see where you need to push more, where you are being delusional, where you are selling yourself short, where you are giving yourself excuses for not changing – only you can walk through that. But the beauty of that is actually that YOU CAN walk through it.

You can walk through the shit you were exposed to as a child, even the shit that you tell yourself is totally irrelevant and that you shouldn’t be bothered by as an adult, but that does in fact bother you. You can walk through the low self-esteem, the self-judgment, the addictions, and the delusions of grandeur. I guarantee you: if I can, so can you. And I do not say this lightly, because I was in many ways a sucky human being (as I have realized now: I also had some awesome sides to me that I am now starting to give more room to grow and develop) but I was a coward and I was an emotional wreck and I was an addict. I had very little control over myself, if any at all. Yet despite this, I also had a tiny little flicker of life and awareness and integrity within me – and that was what resonated with that message I heard 7 years ago. The real in me could hear the real in what I was listening to and it’s was physically impossible to turn my back on it.

I have changed – and so can you. And I will gladly walk with you and beside you, because there is nothing more honoring than to be part of another person’s self-transformation and seeing someone accessing the potential they have inside them, is the most beautiful sight in the world. It is like seeing the kids who had their lights put out when they stated school, get the light of life back into their eyes.

I could write a list and write all the things I have changed, from how I’ve developed in my professional life – which is an area in which I’ve taken quantum leaps, to how my communications skills have developed and been specified, but I will rather let you see it for yourself, in who I am in my day to day life and in yourself.

Because if I can change – so can you.

What are you waiting for?

Seriously, what are you waiting for? Because your potential is waiting for you. It’s right here, it’s always been right here. And you know what it is – you know exactly what it is. All you have to do is to start living it, even if what you start with is a tiny wobbly baby step of uncertainty and insecurity. One step is all it takes…. and then another… and another.

Artwork by Taylor James

Living The Word: Health. DAY 373

Tags

alternative health, becoming healthy, Desteni, fake health, Health, health as a living word, not wanting to be healthy, redefining the word health, resisting health, true health

In today’s blog I am going to be investigating the word HEALTH.
Health to me is something very dichotomous; I have both very positive and very negative connotations attached to the word health.

As a positive word the word health reminds me of certain women I have met throughout my life who would embrace a ‘healthy life’ to an utmost degree, especially in a more ‘alternative’ way. It is an image of a slender, healthy looking woman who drinks herbal tea and eats plenty of green leafy vegetables, who does yoga and who seems to be in ‘contact’ with her body. It is a woman who honors and respects her body with integrity. It is a woman I look up to and admire, a woman I could only hope to become and that I feel very inadequate towards.

The negative connotation on the other hand is something where I associate the word health with a lot of pressure, but also with fakeness and people, who obsess over health, to a degree where it can even become abusive. I also see health in a negative sense as something quite overwhelming where there are so many different voices and opinions and dogmas about what is health and what is not, that I feel like I am being spun around in circles and cannot seem to find my balance. There is also a lot of morality attached to the word in this sense, as something that I have rebelled against my life. Again I have an image of a woman, but this time she is uptight, anxious, controlling and highly judgmental. She may be vegan or vegetarian or she might have very specific ideas about the consumption of fat or sugar. It is repelling to me.

So, this is where I stand at the moment within my mind when it comes to the word health. Now, let’s have a look at how the word health is defined within the dictionary:

Dictionary Definition

health
hɛlθ/
noun
noun: health
1. the state of being free from illness or injury.
“he was restored to health”
synonyms: good physical condition, healthiness, fitness, physical fitness, well-being, haleness, good trim, good shape, fine fettle, good kilter; More
robustness, strength, vigour, soundness, salubrity
“he was restored to health”
antonyms: illness
o a person’s mental or physical condition.
“bad health forced him to retire”
synonyms: state of health, physical state, physical health, physical shape, condition, constitution, form
“bad health forced him to retire”
o used to express friendly feelings towards one’s companions before drinking.
exclamation: your good health; noun: your health; plural noun: your healths; exclamation: your health
Etymological origin:

health (n.)
Old English hælþ “wholeness, a being whole, sound or well,” from Proto-Germanic *hailitho, from PIE *kailo- “whole, uninjured, of good omen” (cognates: Old English hal “hale, whole;” Old Norse heill “healthy;” Old English halig, Old Norse helge “holy, sacred;” Old English hælan “to heal”). With Proto-Germanic abstract noun suffix *-itho (see -th (2)). Of physical health in Middle English, but also “prosperity, happiness, welfare; preservation, safety.” An abstract noun to whole, not to heal. Meaning “a salutation” (in a toast, etc.) wishing one welfare or prosperity is from 1590s. Health food is from 1848.

Sounding of the word

HEAL-THEE
HEEL-THEE
HEAL-THE
HEAL-TEA
HER-WEALTH
WEALTH
HELD
HELL
HAIL-THE
HEAL-THE-EARTH
HEALED

Exploring the word further

I find it very interesting that the word health etymologically is connected to the words ‘whole/being whole/sound’ as well as ‘heal/holy’and how it is now defined as the absence of illness or injury. I’ve often found that it doesn’t make sense to define words according to what they are Not/in absence of, because that automatically links the word to what it is not, and it is like you can never live a ‘pure’ expression of the word because it will always be connected to what it is not, like a shadow of doom hanging over the word.

Looking as health more in the context of an ‘ideal/optimal’ state of being therefore makes more sense; that being healthy is when you are whole as a human being, which also brings in entirely new definitions besides the ones that are commonly known today related to things like BMI and heart rate and blood sugar values in the body.

Here it is also interesting to then look at the soundings that came up for me where health can be explored in the context of being ‘held’, as one holding oneself and/or being held by the body, a form of support – as well as the sounding of ‘her-wealth’ and ‘heal-the-earth’ implying that there is much more to the word health than meets the eye.

In relation to my own relationship with the word health as you can see, I have been quite divided in my mind into two extremes. I have had a part of me that desperately have wanted to become one of these ‘healthy’ women who seem to be so in tune with their body and have at the same time been so resisting towards a more controlling and fake definition of the word where health seems to be more an external belief that one attaches oneself to, to feel better and more than.

But in the past couple of days I have been looking at the point of allowing my body to heal, or rather supporting it to heal/be restored from everything that I have put it through during my time on earth, and in that sense health can be understood both in the context of bringing the body/mind/being BACK to wholeness as well as the state of being whole – and here is also a context to the world as a whole: without me being the optimal whole I can be, I won’t be the best I can be and I won’t be able to make the full potential of myself to make a difference in this world.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and hold within me a positively charged definition of the word ‘health’ as an ideal image of who I would be if I was ‘healthy’, as a woman that is ‘pure’ and has ‘integrity’ and that is ‘perfect’ within her relationship with her body, never doing anything to harm the body and always doing what is best for the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and hold myself up against the ideal image of health that I have created in my mind and to judge and blame myself for not being able to live up to this ideal image, believing that because I am not living that image, I am ‘dirty’ and ‘impure’ and ‘imperfect’ and thus see myself negatively because I am not able to live the ultimate image of positivity and perfection that I have in my mind – not realizing that this ideal I have created is a still image of something I believe to be a constant, but that is not in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this ideal of perfect health based on women that I have seen and met in my life whom I perceived and believed to be perfect and pure in every way when in fact I was only seeing one dimension that I was comparing myself to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that health and being healthy does not mean to be perfect but to be and become the whole potential/optimal I can be as body/mind/being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on health and becoming healthy within my body because I judged myself as being too far gone to ever achieve the ideal of being healthy that I had created in my mind, which was in fact unrealistic and not grounded in reality but in a fantasy that I created when meeting women whom I saw as healthy and who I wanted to be like, but instead of actually investigating what they were doing, what words they were living, I created an idealized ‘frozen’ image in my mind of perfection and purity that I then defined as ‘health’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that being healthy is about the WHOLE; the being, body and mind and that being completely obsessed with physical health and doing everything ‘right’ is not necessarily the same as being healthy, if there is no balance and one does also not develop health in being and mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and hold within me a negatively charged definition of the word ’health’ as the polar opposite to the idealized positive image, where I see and perceive health as a pressure, specifically a pressure to live up to my idealized idea of what health is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge health and to judge people who I perceive as ’healthy’ as being phony and fake and rigid, within and as perceiving them as being overly anxious about their health and obsessed about their health and being boring because they do not allow themselves to let loose, which in fact stems from my comparison towards the ideal of health that I have held in my mind that I then react against to justify to myself and make it ok within me that I am not living it – in fact indicating that I am in conflict with concepts in my mind and am trying to balance them out by creating a negative polarity to outweigh the positive so that I can feel better about myself

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself participating in the image of the ideal of health that I have created in my mind of being a perfect and pure woman of absolute integrity when it comes to health, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that this image and ideal is an illusion I have created in my mind and that it isn’t possible for me to live or achieve this image ideal. I realize that health isn’t about being perfect but about being and becoming the wholeness of myself, the full potential of what I am able of being and becoming in mind, body and being and that this is a process that I have to walk step by step to create and develop within and as myself.

I realize that being pure isn’t simply a matter of consuming certain foods and avoiding others as I do not even yet know what it means to be pure in body, mind or being.

I commit myself to walk a process of bringing myself to health as wholeness and purity within my mind, body and being and I commit myself to specifically investigate the word ‘purity’ further in this context, to understand, embody and live what it means to be pure in body, mind and being.

I commit myself to stand within and develop integrity to bring my body, mind and being to a state and expression of health as being whole within the context of developing my full and optimal potential.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of resistance towards being healthy when I hear or see people speaking about health, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I have placed pressure on myself to live up to an ideal of perfection when it comes to health and that I have compared myself to this ideal and found myself wanting, not realizing that I was comparing myself to a fantasy that has nothing to do with the reality of me actually being healthy.

I commit myself to stop holding myself up against the ideal of health that I’ve created in my mind. I commit myself to let go of the positively charged definition of health that I have created as an ideal of perfection in my mind.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of feeling depressed and sad and self-judging because I cannot and do not live up to my ideal of what healthy is supposed to be, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I can take the word health and live it within and as myself as a living word that is an expression of who I am and I commit myself to create myself within and as the expression of health within the context of healing myself and making myself whole as the optimal potential of myself in body, mind and being that is a process that only I can do for myself, that no one else can tell me how to live or exactly how to do. I commit myself to learn from others and humbly do research and investigate ways that I can live the word health.

Redefinition of the word HEALTH

The state of being or becoming whole as the optimal potential of self in body, mind and being

Self-Honesty as The Key to Freedom. DAY 298

Tags

A Course in Miracles, Being Honest with Yourself, Desteni, Eckhart Tolle, Honesty, Living a Lie, living Lies, Louise Hay, New Years Eve, Self-Honesty, Spirituality

In this blog-post I am sharing how I have lived and expanded (and am continuing to live and expand) what it means to be Self-Honest.

Principle 3. Living by the principle of self-honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

Read all the principles within The Desteni of Living. My Declaration of Principle. 294

Self-Honesty is the most difficult principle to live and apply. The reason why that is, is because our lives and entire existence have been built on a net of lies.

“Remember – self honesty is the most difficult thing you will ever face as it will be your own self deception as the part you play in the mess as civilization that you will confront and must change if you ever want to become a real living being.” – Bernard Poolman

Before I found Desteni, I was walking a process of trying to free myself from my inner mayhem of emotions and feelings. I perceived myself to be trapped in a body and a personality that I desperately tried to get rid of. I tried ascending and enlightening myself through all kinds of remedies and spiritual paths and at the end of a decade of doing that found myself feeling more and more frustrated. I felt I had exhausted all my resources and no matter what I did I couldn’t get rid of or escape from the parts of myself that I felt weighed me down and prohibited me from participating effectively in my life. So one day I sat down and I had a look at all the paths I had taken and all the tools I had applied from A Course in Miracles to Eckhart Tolle, Louise Hay, Ayahuasca, Deeksha and any and all other personal development and spiritual tools of enlightenment. I was frustrated and I couldn’t understand why nothing had worked, why I hadn’t changed and why I time and time again found myself back at square one, being stuck with the ‘same old me’ that I so desperately wanted to get rid of. So I looked back at the process I had walked and in my mind searched for the tools and remedies that had supported me to accelerate in my process of self-change.

As I was doing that a memory emerged from when I was around seventeen years old and I was sitting alone with myself in my room and I realized how much I had lied to myself throughout my life. In that moment I decided that from now on I would be 100 % honest with myself. From a certain perspective, that was yet another lie because I didn’t actually understand what it meant to be 100 % honest with myself, however making that decision in itself and realizing how the problem was me lying to myself, changed me. And as I was looking back at this memory, I realized that of all the spiritual paths I had taken, of all the money I had spent on books and crystals and seminars, this simple moment alone with myself in my room, had changed me beyond comparison. When I say ‘being honest with myself ‘ in this context, it was about getting real with myself, facing myself where I was and looking myself in the eye so to speak and it especially also had to do with seeing where I was compromising myself in relation to other people. One of the prominent changes in my life that came out of that moment was that I started making choices more based on being honest with myself. I have for example never liked drinking alcohol and yet I would do it anyway to fit in with other people and to be part of the social community with my friends. Since deciding to be honest with myself, I slowly but surely started pulling myself out of the entire party-scene. At first I would go home early from parties and I remember how good it felt to stop forcing myself to try and be part of the group and instead chose what I saw was best for me. Eventually I stopped drinking all together. I remember the first New Years Eve where I didn’t have a drop to drink. I woke up early in the morning to a house where drunken people were scattered everywhere on couches and chairs. I carefully walked over them, got my jacket and went outside. It was one of those winter mornings where the sun is piercingly bright and there is frost everywhere. Everything smelt so fresh, so bright and I took a long walk. It felt so good to have chosen myself and what I knew was right for me. It took me some years to stop drinking completely and to also stop attending such parties and gatherings entirely but I could see how it all sourced back to that moment where I had decided to be honest with myself. I had started a process of giving myself back to myself. When I years later was looking back at my process of self-development, it shocked me to realized that this single decision to be honest with myself had changed me more than any spiritual tool or remedy. It was fascinatingly simple to realize that the answer to changing myself had always existed within me. So when I found Desteni I realized that it was this decision to be honest with myself that had made it possible for me to listen to what was being said in the interviews and on the Desteni forum. I knew and could cross-reference for myself that self-honesty was the single most important component to self-change because I had seen it quite literally for myself. However – I did not yet fully understand what Self-Honesty was and I am still walking the process of discovering Self-Honesty for myself. Self-Honesty is fascinating and complex in that the more I walk my process, the more I realize how dishonest I am. That’s the process of self-honesty. Something that was self-honest earlier in my process I know realize is self-dishonest. An example is how I early in my process stopped attending family gatherings and holidays. It is something that I never enjoyed doing and I never saw the purpose of. So at the time, I was being self-honest in recognizing how there was no real purpose in me attending these gatherings. I only did it because it was expected of me, to keep up appearances and because “That is how we’ve always done it.” It was so liberating to finally stop moving with the turning wheels of tradition and being able to step out of the entire consumerism scam of having to give gifts on birthdays and holidays. But as I continued with my process, I realized how I had blamed my family and how I had judged these gatherings, when in fact it was my own experience within them I was trying to escape. Now I can more freely decide when to attend and when not, where it isn’t based on a sense of duty and obligation when I do and where it isn’t a matter of judgment and resistance when I don’t. So there are layers to self-honesty where, as we become more self-honest we keep expanding our self-honesty and it never really ends. The more I push myself to be self-honest, the more I realize how extensively I’ve been lying to myself. On the other hand there is also what is referred to as Absolute Self-Honesty and this is what I am continuously pushing for in my process, because, as I have realized, our entire existence is based on lies. This means that virtually every gesture, every word; every blink of an eye is saturated in lies. And so from that perspective, even the idea that self-honesty is layered according to where one is in one’s process, is a lie. So it is a multi-dimensional process where nothing can be taken for granted and where we must in every moment keep peeling off the layers of lies that we have engrossed ourselves within. What I have found is that it is very easy to fool and placate oneself into a time-loop and a plateau where nothing changes because of beliefs and ideas. As such self-honesty is not something that can be taken for granted and if one does, one can be sure that one is lying to oneself. It is the essence of the esoteric expression: “If you see the Buddha, kill him.” If you think that you’ve become enlightened and that you’re now done with your process, if you find yourself in a place of serenity and bliss, that’s when you want to be worried and go back to square one of Self-Honesty asking the basic questions: “Where am I?” “What is my starting-point?” And “Who am I?”

“There is no Truth, only Denial of what is Here” – Bernard Poolman

When I read this statement back in the early days of my process it made a significant impact on me, because all my life I had been searching for ‘the truth’ in one way or another. And this ‘truth’ that I had been searching for was now, with one statement, invalidated to oblivion with the simple basic fact that what we should be searching for are all the lies that are preventing us from seeing what is Real, what is Here in fact. So while my spiritual process emphasized escaping myself on one hand and on the other embellishing who I believed I was, the process I started walking with Desteni was about removing the layers that prevented me from simply being and Living Here. The simplicity is so striking that our minds cannot fathom it as it thrives on complexities and unsolved mysteries. Becoming Self-Honest is the single most important part of this process and it is something that I have to push within myself on a daily basis. Within this, writing has been the anchor, the lie detector that is so important and so empowering. Through waking with Desteni these past 5 years I have learned that Self-Honesty means to Stand-With Myself, no matter what I am or what I have lived. That doesn’t mean that I have to accept what I have been or how I have Lived or that I cannot expand or change myself. It means to stop pretending that I am something and someone that I am not, neither good or bad, neither more or less. Self-Honesty means to stop running and to start facing myself, in the bare naked truth of what is here as Who I am, to first remove the lies, so that I can discover what was underneath it, all along. No one can be Self-Honest for me and within that is the realization that our processes is in our own hands. I Stand Responsible for me. And so I walk.

Here are some more links to Expand on the Principle of Self-Honesty:

http://wiki.destonians.com/Self-Honesty

Self-Honesty as The Key to Self-Change

It is TIME to Change – Reptilians – Part 150

The Solution of Life

Anu on Honesty vs. Self-Honesty – Part 153

The History of Desteni

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Related articles

• Day 498: Be your own lie detector
• 399. What is Missing in this World for Real Change?
• 400. How to Best Contribute to Each Other’s Lives?
• The Words of the Desteni Group Dissected: DAY 221
• day 576: converting people is useless.
• 391. Noah’s Revelations
• The Words of the Desteni Group Dissected
• Bernard Poolman – Living The Word Alive: DAY 231

Changing our Brainwashed Value-System to Principled Living: DAY 239

Tags

Conditioning, Desteni, Desteni Group, Forgiveness, Intimate relationship, Living Principled, Philosophy, Physical body, Positional notation, Principled Living, true values, Understanding

In this post I will be prescribing self-corrective and self-commitment statements on the point of valuing things that aren’t actually valuable and that in fact are detrimental and destructive. I see that the pattern is still existent within me; I see its subtleties and how it is so ingrown that it’s not going to be changed from one moment to the next. Of course one can correct points within a moment, however the point of valuing that, which isn’t valuable in fact, is basically a fundamental problem in reality in general. So we’re dealing with virtually all aspects of our lives, virtually every moment we live and breathe. So there are many values to correct and I see that the best way is to walk the correction of them one by one as I see them emerge in my reality.

The last couple of weeks I’ve been working with the point of value, specifically in relation to valuing things that aren’t actually valuable, in the sense that I’ve for example found that I valued doing things that weren’t supportive for me or my physical body. Something quite interesting that has happened within this process is that, as I’ve started opening up the point for myself, it has only gotten ‘worse’ – meaning that I’ve increasingly been giving value to that which isn’t best for me. Practically speaking, I’m talking about seemingly ‘little’ moments during my day, where I prioritize based on self-interest rather than principle. It could be eating something that I know my body cannot handle. And as I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve found it difficult to understand why we would do something like that. Well, it boils down to some quite simple yet intricate pattern that one develops through one’s life. In my case, I come from a family where my mother did exactly the same. Throughout my life, she’s been a ‘quarterly’ alcoholic in the sense that she’s been battling an addiction to alcohol as long as I can remember. But she wouldn’t drink every day all year round. Instead she would have these binges and then pick herself up again and get strict and disciplined for some time, until she would fall into the pattern again and have some weeks drinking every day. So from that perspective, I’ve carried this pattern through with me, perhaps genetically and definitely from an environmentally influencing perspective. I see how this is a prominent point in my process and in my daily living, because it something from within which I generate a lot of inner conflict and thus generate energy for the mind. This is obviously the purpose of such patterns in the first place. So what I have realized is that this point has to do with making the decision to live principled. For some people this might not be a big deal or issue – though at the same time, very few people live principled and even if they think and believe they do, it’s often based on self-control and suppression with the possible consequence of one exploding and bursting one day because one cannot contain oneself any longer.

So principled living is something that I have never ever done in my life. The only place I’ve ever met principled living, is within the Desteni group. And while I’ve definitely established a somewhat principled life, there are also still points where ‘preference’ ‘wins’ over principle. Something else that I’ve realized is that even though writing about this point from an overall general perspective is cool, what is actually required is for me to get into the nitty gritty of how I prioritize, how I pick preference over principles and what specifics points in my life it is where I tend to ‘fall’ into this pattern. Something fascinating as well is that as I’ve been walking this point these past weeks, and I’ve seen it getting worse or more intense, I’ve also allowed myself to take it personally, to react to it and specifically to feel like I’m a bad person because of it. But now that I sit down and write, I can see in common sense, that it is in fact specific points that I’ve allowed myself to compromise, whereas with other points, I’ve in fact lived principled. On the other hand, I also see how, if we allow even one point of self-corruption, it actually corrupts our entire process and standing within ourselves. And this is obviously also what I’ve reacted to.

SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am about to accept and allow myself to act on an energetic urge to eat something that I know isn’t best for me, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here. I remind myself that I am about to act based on a preprogrammed, brainwashed belief and preference and valuing of something that I’ve conditioned myself into valuing as tasting good – that isn’t actually what is best for me, as I’ve now built an understanding of what in fact IS best for myself as my physical body. I also remind myself that it isn’t worth it because I know that the consequence is that I will feel like shit afterwards and as such by acting on this urge, I’m valuing myself as the mind over life. So therefore – I commit myself to from this moment stop eating refined sugar. I commit myself to walk with myself a process to live principled in every moment and to, in every moment that I see that I don’t live principled, to gently guide myself back with a caring and directive hand.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to place value on something that I know isn’t best for me and so not best for all, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to my physical body in stability. I commit myself to work with correcting the point immediately, through simply realigning my actions to that which is best for all and I commit myself to, when I see that I’m still holding on to this point of value, to investigate the point in self-honesty through writing and self-forgiveness, so that I can effectively de-program myself and re-program myself to valuing that which is best for me and so best for all. Because I realize that when I’m holding on to a point of value that I know isn’t best for all, it is because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become brainwashed and programmed to live and exist in a way that is flawed and ineffective and as such I require re-educating myself and re-programming myself so that I can make a directive decision to realign myself effectively to that which is best for me and so best for all.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Interviews that Expand on the point of making Practical Decisions:

• Why your Weakest Points are your Greatest strength – Life Review

• Life Review – The Path of Money

• Life Review – Acceptance and Allowance vs. The Decision

• Reptilians – Facing Choice (Part 1) – Part 107

• Reptilians – Facing Choice (Part 2) – Part 108

• I Fear Missing out – Life Review

• The Life Review of an Avoider of Choices 

• How Thoughts Create Physical Reality

• Why Fear Feels Different to Different People

Related articles

• Brainwashed to a Flawed Value-System: DAY 236
• Are the Values We Proclaim to Have, Our Real Values? DAY 235
• Day 68: Response Seeker Personality
• Day 59: Automatic Defense and Protection-mode
• Day 58: Fear in Relation to Having My Own Business
• Day 66: From Personal To Physical Living
• The Making and Remediation of A Sexual Predator: DAY 20
• Day 62: Touch and Natural Physical Expression

 

Bernard Poolman – Living The Word Alive: DAY 231

Tags

bernardpoolman, Desteni, Desteni Farm, Dog, Experience, Human, Meaning of life, Mind, Oneness and Equality, Sunette Spies, The Living Word, Youtube

When people die, we write R.I.P on their gravestones. But the World will not Rest in Peace and nor will we until we have Gathered the Pieces of ourselves and brought all of ourselves back together again as Life. This is what I learned from Bernard.

The first time I heard Bernard speak in the end of 2008, it was through a video on You Tube. I heard this distinct voice with a clear accent that I could not place and immediately I experienced a reaction within myself, almost like my insides was shaking. One of the first things I noticed was how Bernard would speak all around a point in a way I had never heard before – embracing all aspects of a point and do so while swearing! It was one of the most liberating experiences I had ever experienced. Here was a man who spoke the truth of what was going on in the world, straight up, no bullshit, no romantic words of pep talk, but instead self-honest in-your-face support. I felt like I had landed for the first time in my entire life in a spot where everything finally made sense. But not in a pretty way – in a pretty fucked up way. There was no distance anymore with an idea of a world outside of this one or a meaning to life besides what is already here in and as this messed up reality. What is here is what is here – and now there was someone able to explain every single question I had ever had. It was scary and amazing and saddening all at once. I started feeling a deep love and appreciation for Bernard while a part of me wanted to shut his voice out and turn of the video. I literally felt sick from facing myself for the first time through meeting myself in Bernard’s words. I could not hide from this man. This man refused to hide. I had never met or seen or heard of anyone ever being like Bernard was and it was as if my entire life was reset and I had to start over from scratch. Now – this is not because Bernard was doing something to me – it was clearly myself I faced in Bernard’s words – words that resonated to the very core of my being –, which I knew without any doubt or lingering that was true. The best way to explain my experience was that until then I had felt like I was very small in a big world and after finding Desteni and Bernard, I experienced the world as being very small and suddenly it was my inner world that seemed so infinitely big. This I learned, is the virtual world we’ve created through and within our minds – it isn’t real. So I learned about the Mind and how we have created ourselves in separation from and abdication of ourselves through, within and as the mind.

I lived together with Bernard on the Desteni farm for nearly a year. I have visited the farm three times. When I initially came to the farm I was extensively afraid of meeting Bernard. At that stage I was still coming from a spiritual perspective and believed in the renouncement of material belongings, so when I came to the farm and saw all the food, the dogs, the liters of coffee being drunk every day, the mess and all the people, I was absolutely astounded. There were literally dogs everywhere and in the middle of it all was Bernard, a completely ordinary and extraordinary man, talking, watching movies, playing virtual slot machines and pushing everyone’s buttons to the max.

Whenever Bernard came into the room, I would feel so nervous because I knew that he would see through my bullshit, that he could see all sides of me, even the ones I was hiding from myself. Sometimes Bernard would push my buttons to provoke a reaction and only later would I realize what had happened – and gratefully laugh at my own sillyness and Bernard’s ability to call bullshit on me. Sometimes he would not speak at all. Other times he would simply be, hang out, stand by the grill or do the laundry. Yes – that is right, Bernard did the laundry! He did everyone’s dirty laundry, clean and fresh and folded for your pleasure.

At some point I realized that Bernard would be whatever I required to be reflected – so if I hated myself, he would reflect that back to me. I started seeing Bernard as a black hole that can contain anything and everything at once and that will become whatever you are so that you can face yourself. And I understood that only when I would stand equal to Bernard – as him, with him, would I see the real Bernard. The Bernard that is also simply a man – a man who has walked a process. A process that he pushed himself to walk, that he walked all alone and that he now shares with all of us, as we share our processes with each other as well. What is so fascinating is within how we say at Desteni that everything is in reverse – because Bernard is properly one of the most prominent examples of that. Bernard was loud, scary, and rude or whatever you’d perceive him to be – and at the same time, he was the manifestation of love in the flesh. Real love – not mushy love. As such Bernard once said that; “love per se -is the act of life assisting the delusion to give up its illusion–that is in its very nature brutal — and not some fuzzy word that give some a place of superiority purely due to the genetic predisposition to have a higher intelligence” And that is exactly what I saw in Bernard as well – that is the living word of Bernard.

When Bernard would support me and share with me points about myself, I learned to Breathe and not resist the words and to simply be still inside myself and let the words resonate through my body. Ironically I have never been so calm or so stable in my entire life as when Bernard was giving me the brutal truth about myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as. Because Bernard’s words is absolute – they are embracing, direct and they come from a starting-point of equality and self-forgiveness, to not accept anything less from each of us than that that which is best for all life. Bernard is properly the only human being I have ever trusted fully and at the same time, Bernard would do, say and be whatever it took to wake you up from your state of inner self-delusion and deception. Bernard was always supporting me to realize myself, even if it meant supporting me in lying to myself or confirming me in my self-judgment.

For this is I am grateful, because within this Bernard has assisted me immensely in realizing what I was doing to myself, what I was accepting and allowing, without enforcing realizations upon me that I would then be indebted to Bernard through forever.  There are many beings, including myself who’s had the tendency to follow Bernard as though he was a guru, a god or a father figure and I am sure that Bernard carefully made sure that any illusions of grandeur about him is removed so that the person can concentrate on themselves and not on worshiping Bernard.

Living with Bernard was interesting, but at the same time not as thrilling as one might think. From an entirely different perspective, it was the most thrilling experience of my life. Living with a being and watching a Being exist, who has no limits, no morals, no conscience, no fear, no feelings and no mind, makes for some pretty interesting experiences. For example: Bernard slept when he was tired and this means that there was no schedule or specific rhythm, because that is (obviously) something we’ve created within the constructs of this world according to the mind. So Bernard was up at all times of the day and night and in the beginning I did not even think that Bernard even slept at all. He always had at least 10 dogs around him. It is not something he told them to do. He wasn’t petting them like most people pet their animals.  Sometimes he would provide support if the animal was having an experience of its own or is indicating a point as a side effect to the general process. Bernard would touch them though and they would all sleep on top of him When he went to the toilet they would wait outside. One time Bernard asked me why I think they follow him and he shared with me that it is because he was a point of stability for them. He was the physical manifested as solid, firm unconditional support. And that is what he has been to many of us.

A point I noticed about Bernard was that he would wait with eating until everyone else had eaten. He would make sure that everyone was okay. If an animal required medical care, he would immediately ensure it, even if it meant driving far away late at night. If someone, animal or human had expressed a specific desire for some food or beverage, Bernard would buy it for them. When there were children on the farm, Bernard did not treat them special or as inferior. He would look at their expression and their situation exactly as he would with any other being and see how he could assist.  If someone, animal or human was acting in a way that is unacceptable, Bernard would make sure that the point was directed to self-correction. He would walk with the dogs in the morning sunlight and simply embrace the world in support and care and the humbleness that Bernard lived, is something I am not even able to describe within the capacity of my current vocabulary. Bernard stands one and equal with all life.

If I would complain about the load of work I had to do, Bernard would give me more work. Or if I placed special value in something or defined myself as more because of it, Bernard would point it out and tease me about it – this he did, not because he was evil – but because he understood that a practical, physical and tangible re-education is required, for each of us to stop living within and as self-interest in the delusion of the mind – of desires and fears and to start living here in common sense self-honesty.  So when I got more work, I started realizing that I had created the idea of it being “too much” as a point of delusion. I realized that I had defined myself according to it or held onto it out of fear of losing it. I don’t know anyone else in the world, who’s able to support Beings like that – so brutal – so direct  – so absolutely spot-on, every time.

One time when I was doing laundry, I dropped a piece of clothes out from the washing machine while I was emptying it. Bernard came by and he firmly informed me that what I was doing was spiteful against life, that I could not even have the care to make sure that this piece of clothes did not touch the floor. It was a shock to hear that such a small point – is how I saw it at the time – could indicate such a point of abuse and inequality. But I slowly but surely started realizing how I was in fact living as spitefulness, as disregard, in most of my actions.

Of all the things I learned from Bernard and while being on the farm, this was probably one of the most important. I learned that you cannot say you stand for something, if you do not live it in every moment of every breath to the fullest. Bernard would literally educate me, through assisting me to expand my understanding and awareness of my reality and through the example of those living together on the farm, who had already walked process for some time. It has actually only been recently that I have started realizing the difference this has made in my life and in how and as who I live. There are so many seemingly small points of practical physical living in and through which I have learned to be specific, diligent, caring and considering and I can see now, where I am living in an agreement, how important those points are. To understand that what you are doing when you let the water run for no apparent reason other than it being convenient or because you never considered doing it differently, is spiteful. To understand that living what is best for all is something that we can and must apply in every moment of living here, looking practically in common sense at our reality and applying ourselves according to what is – in fact – best for all life.

Through Bernard’s example, I have learned to care for and take care of animals. I have come to appreciate animals from an entirely different perspective. I have learned to appreciate self-discipline and structure. I have learned to get up in the morning immediately upon my first Breath. I have learned to support others as I have been supported. These things might sound small and insignificant, but when all these – and more – points are gathered, as all the breaths of a day – or a life time- it is clear that what we are doing is starting to create a world that is best for all. A world where each of us stand self-responsible, self-trusting and self-directed in equality.

My life has been forever changed because of Bernard Poolman. Because he dared to walk his process for himself, alone through fear, through losing everything, his family, his money, his sanity, until only he was left, self-forgiving and self-embracing in equality with and as all life  – He did it without any instructions or manual, because when he walked his process, there was no group walking-with, which is what we have created for ourselves now, as Desteni, the I process and the constant stream of material, information and support we supply 24/7 online.

Many beings will be sad because Bernard has died – but his death is not about keeping a legacy alive, hell no – we’re not going to ‘honor his memory’. He would have said: “fuck that.” lol – Honoring Bernard is honoring ourselves as life – Honoring Bernard is sharing the Living Word as it has been shared with us and to stand in every moment of Breath here walking the process of establishing a world that is best for all. I will miss Bernard tremendously and I am eternally grateful to have met him. But even for those who haven’t met Bernard in person – it is not a loss. Because Bernard was never about the personal. He said: “You must become me as I am you, so that we can trust each other no matter where we are, no matter who we are.”

I have never loved anyone the way I loved Bernard. I have never respected anyone the way I respected Bernard. I have never trusted anyone the way I trusted Bernard. I have never been challenged or supported by anyone the way that Bernard challenged and supported me. Bernard showed me the potential of what is possible – of what I can become if I stand up within myself.

Bernard is that part of us that has dared to stand up for life – that has dared to not only say that “enough is enough” but to actually live it in every moment of every breath – no fear – no compromise. Bernard stands with and as all of us, as our own brutal self-honesty – the only remedy that will cure this world from the delusion that we’ve allowed ourselves to live and become. Bernard is the side of all of us that has taken the first step to birth ourselves as life – now it is up to each of us to take the next.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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• The Desteni Group – is it a Cult? Facts and Fiction: DAY 222
• The Desteni Group and the Journey to Integrity: DAY 226
• Hiding from Self Through Falling in Love (Relationship Paranoia Pt. 9) DAY 220
• Day 190: Is Desteni a scam? Part 4
• Day 458: Facts and Feelings: How to Stop and Prevent Brainwashing

Is Desteni the Most Dangerous Group on Earth? DAY 223

Tags

Basic Income Guaranteed, Bernard Poolman, Desteni, Desteni Group, Destini Cult, Earth, Economic system, Equal Life Foundation, Equal Money System, Human, Internet cult, Neo-Nazism, Paranoia, South African Cult

Is the Desteni Group the most dangerous group on Earth? Is the group plotting world-domination and a totalitarian regime? Through the last seven years, the Desteni Group has been accused for being everything from communist to a multi-level-marketing scheme to a neo-Nazi cult. The Group is frequently accused of being too spiritual, not spiritual enough, too religious, not religious enough, capitalistic, Christian, Elitists, socialistic, Satanic, too extreme, not extreme enough, hosting sex orgies, advocating asexuality, channeling demons – you name it, the Desteni group has it. There is virtually nothing that the group has not been accused of.

The more these accusations are thrown around, the stronger my resolve to stand with the group have become. Because when these accusations can be so fundamentally contradictory, it implies something about those accusing rather than those being accused. It shows me that we must be doing something right since we can rally up every last fear and inch of paranoia virtually possible within the human mind. I can furthermore testify that I have never in the five years I have been walking with Desteni, seen any of the above mentioned points of accusation having anything to do with what goes on in reality within the group. So how is it possible that these accusations are so contradictory and yet what we do within the Desteni group is in fact to embrace all the above-mentioned ‘labels’? This is what I will show you here.

What is unique and outstanding about the Desteni Group and the Equal Life Foundation is that we are an all-inclusive group of people. What does that mean?

It means that for example the changes within the political and economic systems that we are proposing within the Equal Life Foundation and with the Equal Money System and now the proposal of a Guaranteed Living Income System, are based on in-depth research of what kind of world-system would in fact be best for all humans on earth. So therefore we are proposing a system that includes everyone which means the elite, a system that provides solutions for the poor to get out of poverty, a system that considers how animals and plant-life can be supported – a system that is best for everyone. We are furthermore working with practicality in terms of actually researching how we can implement a new system in the fastest and smoothest way possible. This is also why we are not proposing utopian fantasies but instead present viable economic changes that virtually can be implemented directly and specifically to the mutual benefit of all.

This explains why no matter what we present, there will be those that come after the group and accuse us of being exclusive in nature – ironically because we in fact include everyone in the principles we are proposing as a new way of living together on earth.

What can be seen within this is how we have become so accustomed to the paranoia that we inflate in our minds towards each other in this world. It is close to impossible for us as human beings to conceive the possibility that a holistic solution can exist on earth that doesn’t scatter, separate, and exclude people or their individual interests. We have become so accustomed to protecting our paranoia through and within which we believe that we are protecting our own interests, while ironically doing nothing but both excluding others as well as ourselves from any real solution. Let us look at how this works: The Principle of Giving as one would like to Receive is what we at Desteni and the Equal Life Foundation are proposing as a basic living principle. This has been contorted and thwarted by humanity into a principle of paranoia that dictates that one should Take before others have a chance to take what one has – which creates a reality of lack. This lack starts out in the whirlpool of paranoia in our minds as a delusion but the more we participate in it, the more we cultivate it, the more it substantiates and eventually manifests as a form of actual lack in the physical reality. This is why poverty and starvation is not a ‘natural outflow’ of how life is being living on earth, no matter how much corporate capitalists and positive thinkers try to convince us otherwise. It is a man-u-factured, thus a man-made consequence that is entirely unnecessary which is clearly seen by the fact that scientists and researchers have shown that there is enough food for everyone on the planet – and yet still, people starve.

So this is why we in the Desteni Group and within the Equal Life Foundation are interested in a solution that is based on the principle of what is best for all. Because we understand that lack isn’t necessary and is possible to change through implementing the principle of Giving, as we would like to Receive as an actual functional economic solution to the problems we are currently facing on earth. When we thus at Desteni present the principle and the solution of equality we are apparently posing a threat to individuality and therefore the reaction manifested as a spread hail of accusations is nothing but a resistance to equality. Let’s discuss how:

When we look at how so-called individuality is currently manifested on earth, it actually takes the shape of humanity moving as a blob of brainwashed zombies believing they can shop their way to ‘uniqueness’ and ‘individuality’, whether in churches, meditation groups or clothing stores. Thus individuals aren’t even individuals in fact. Because where does all our so-called ‘creativity’ and ‘originality’ come from? Have a look – when has there last been a scientist, a philosopher a unique human being that stood out? Not for many years. We have reduced ourselves to a blob of babbling idiots screaming out slogans and parroted knowledge in the hopes of being the next star or the next Jesus that swoops in and saves the day.

So when someone comes along and says that all that we have ever built on this earth, all the landmarks and high-rises that are the pride of our apparent accomplishments as humanity is nothing but a big fat lie, there are bound to be reactions. Because it means that all that we have ever been as individuals, that all that we value and treasure in life as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ has equally been a big fat lie. It means we can’t trust anything we see on television or anything our politicians say. It literally means that we can’t trust a word our parents or friends have ever said to us – let alone the bullshit we spew in our own minds. So where does that leave us? Pretty goddamn fucked, wouldn’t you say?

This is where Desteni and the Equal Life Foundation and all the initiatives that we have launched throughout the past seven years distinguishes itself from all other organizations on the planet, whether religious, political or economic in nature. Because what we are saying and showing with great clarity is how we are all equally fucked in this reality. There is no one in particular that holds the single responsibility or blame for the state we have accepted and allowed the world and ourselves to be in. Everything has occurred through a process of accumulated consequences where we did not learn from our mistakes or go back to sort ourselves out, but instead kept piling on the lies, the deceit, the mistakes until we reached the point we are at now – a literally breaking point where the earth can’t handle anymore, where our physical bodies can’t handle anymore

We are thus all equally responsible and at the moment this is the only point of equality that exist. However we are not simply saying that we’re fucked and then leaving it at that. No – we are saying that there is a solution to the mess we are in. That the solution is to first and foremost understanding the point of equality as I’ve just explained it: we’re all on this sinking ship together. It’s not pretty and no one can save us from ourselves – but ourselves. Because within that understanding we can bring ourselves to the realization that to sort this mess out, the only solution is to transform our equality and our oneness as the total sum of our decisions and tacit agreements into a different way of living together on earth. And this include the neo-Nazis, the capitalists, the Christians, the Elite, the Socialists, the Communists, The Capitalists, the Light workers and everyone else defining and limiting themselves within a specific dogma or fraction of human nature in and as separation from the whole. This is what sets Desteni and the Equal Life Foundation apart from everyone else. The Desteni Group is in a fundamental sense; the most holistic organization there has ever existed on earth, because it excludes no one – neither from participation, nor from responsibility. No one is free until all are Free. And that is what makes us dangerous. Or perhaps it is that everything we have ever known to be true is in complete reverse? The real question is: do you dare to find out?

Suggested documentaries to watch to assist with the de-zombification of the self:

Propaganda:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKnS-Adc_2E

Third World America – Chris Hedges

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drZE65_134g

John taylor gatto the ultimate history lesson:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQiW_l848t8&list=PL463AA90FD04EC7A2

The Power Principle http://metanoia-films.org/the-power-principle/

The Trap
http://archive.org/details/AdamCurtis_TheTrap

Psywar
http://metanoia-films.org/psywar/

Human Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century
http://metanoia-films.org/human-resources/

The Century of the Self: Part 1- Happiness Machines
http://youtu.be/prTarrgvkjo

On Advertisement and the end of the world:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8gM0Q58iP0

Questions and Perspectives: What is a Living Word?

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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My Own Private Maze of Horrors – Suppressing Emotions (Pt.1): DAY 216

Tags

Desteni, Emotion, fear, Forgiveness, Maze, Mind, Suppressing Emotions, Suppression

I am here on the Desteni farm and in this post I will walk an interim point that has emerged and will thus take a break from the Relationship Paranoia series and the Positivity/Negativity series that I’ve yet to conclude.

The point that has emerged has to do with emotional suppression and how I’ve related to myself in/as emotional possession. So I’ll start by outlining the point which I was supported to see, partly from speaking with Bernard here on the farm and partly from this dream I had:

Two days ago I was taking a nap and I had a dream that was very specifically showing me – or rather where I was very specifically showing myself what I am facing.

(To give some background: I once watched a documentary about serial killers where there was one called H.H Holmes who had created a type of horror- maze in his house where he would place his victims and they would be forced to try and get out of this maze facing rooms of torture and hope of getting out while never actually being able to get out. I’ve also seen the same in for example the tv-series Criminal Minds. )

So in my dream I had created such a ‘maze’. Thought it wasn’t especially a ‘torture maze’ but more a ‘fear maze’. The focus was more on the maze itself. The opening into the maze went into a dark basement that was very deep like a well and the maze itself had several openings as well. Now, in the dream I was discussing this maze with other people as though it was completely normal to build a horror maze for oneself with the only purpose of generating fear within oneself. While I was talking to these people I was hesitant towards going into it and I asked one of the others if they could get into it. One of them said: “Well you created it, so you should go first.” And I knew that they were right so I started getting into the maze.

This was the basic gist’s of the dream. So I woke up and the symbolism was striking. The day before I had talked to Bernard about how one of my ‘core points’ is that I very easily become emotionally possessed as well as suppressing my emotions because I fear that I would go insane if I were to look at what’s really here in the world (as well as inside myself).

What this dream revealed the most clearly is how I’ve created this ‘house of horrors’ inside myself as my relationship to emotions in fear that I accept as perfectly normal. And what the dream showed so clearly was how THIS IS MY OWN CREATION. And there was literally no other purpose with the maze than to instigate fear. So I have deliberately created a ‘maze’ for/as/within myself that I’m not supposed to be able to get out of and have accepted it as perfectly normal. Something else that’s quite interesting is that all this maze was was darkness. (In dream analysis a house represents oneself and the basement represents one’s unconscious by the way. The darkness of the unconscious can thus be seen as that of myself that I’ve suppressed, yet created myself.)

So these are the components that I’ll be working with here:

• Deliberately creating my own ‘house of horrors’ as the mind specifically here in context to emotional possession and suppression where I on one hand give into emotions and thus ‘crawl into the maze’ and on the other hand also suppress myself in fear of emotions which I see is the denial of myself as the creator of the maze as well as the aspect of the maze being ‘impossible’ to get through as the act of suppression itself where we hide ourselves from ourselves in separation of ourselves into an as a ‘dungeon’ inside our minds
• Deliberately creating my own maze that I can’t get out of for any other purpose than to generate fear within me
• Accepting this as normal without question
• The realization that “This is my creation, so I have to walk through it/live it.”

Okay – let’s go:

 SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into and as a mental maze through the simultaneous possession and suppression of emotions within and as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am the creator of my own ‘maze’ and ‘horror house’ as the relationship that I’ve created towards myself and that which goes on inside of me, specifically emotions that I have suppressed and fear facing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept it as perfectly normal and therefore not question that I’ve created a mental maze inside myself based on suppressing emotions while allowing myself to become possessed by them and thus immerse myself into and as them, yet refuse to face them and myself as them openly and directly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automate the systematization of suppressing emotions to such a point where I don’t even notice that I am experiencing emotions because I suppress them so quickly by literally pushing them down into and as myself as a mechanism that I’ve created with the purpose of controlling myself to only be and exist as that which I deem to be ‘okay/positive/safe’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that suppressing emotions is an effective way of dealing with them because when I suppress them I don’t experience them – not seeing, realizing and understanding that all I’m doing is shifting the emotions deeper into the mind and by default the body where I don’t experience them consciously but instead actually move them further into myself and thus do not in fact remove them or deal with them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, the more I’ve suppressed emotions, the more I’ve feared these emotions as a ‘dark’ load that I experience as lingering inside me at some undefined level that I have cut off access to and thus I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let emotions control me and direct me from ‘beneath the surface’ in such a way that I couldn’t direct them because I had prohibited my own access to my own creation of emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the emotions that I’ve suppressed within and as myself because I no longer remember what they are but now only know the mechanism of suppression as that is the only thing I’ve focused on – to control myself at all costs, to prevent myself from facing myself even though I can’t even remember what it is that I fear, all I ‘know’ is that “I must suppress my emotions” because that’s the program that I’ve automated myself into and as that I believe I must continue with because otherwise I will open up the ‘can of worms’ that is all the emotions that I’ve suppressed throughout time

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by suppressing my emotions I am accepting and allowing myself to live in constant fear of what is going on inside me because I’ve signed off all direction over myself and deliberately made myself ‘blind’ and thus fear that which I cannot see, all the while I was the only who deliberately blinded myself to not see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control and contain my emotions through suppressing them and pushing them down into and as myself as a mechanism of making them ‘go away’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding that since I don’t even know ‘where’ the emotions go when I suppress them and since the mechanism is one of “I’m not gonna look at this” then obviously they’re not gonna ‘go away’ since I haven’t actually directed them or removed them practically, directively or physically from within and as myself and thus they must ‘go’ somewhere inside of myself, into and as the layers of the mind and into and as the very fibers of my physical body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control and contain my emotions by suppressing them when in fact that mechanism of suppression is an act of fear – where I make myself inferior to my emotions, which is why it is actually then the emotions that control and contain me instead of the other way around

 SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS:

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into and as an experience of fear or judgment towards the emotional reaction that comes up within me, I stop and I take a deep breath and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body – because I see, realize and understand that this fear and/or judgment towards what comes up inside me, is first of all me taking what comes up personally, thus identifying with it and accepting it as myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is a systematized program of the mind based on memories and energetic charges that I’ve accumulated throughout my life and second of all that this is the precursor for the activation of suppression that I’ve automated myself into and as. I also see, realize and understand that in order for me to see when it is that I’m busy activating suppression I have to slow myself down and walk in specificity and self-honesty in every moment, in particularly here in the beginning where I’ll be working with stopping the automation of my suppression of emotions. So I see how important it is that I become aware of the thoughts that pop up in my head and not ‘brush them away’ because that brushing away of ‘small moments’ is actually exactly where suppression starts accumulating. So – I commit myself to direct myself to stop reacting to the emotions that comes up within me and I commit myself to instead place a new system of self-support where I allow myself to look at what’s coming up openly, clearly and self-honestly.

When and as I see that I am reacting emotionally – I stop and I breathe and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body and instead of moving myself to immediately suppress/deny/ignore the emotional reaction, I allow myself to look at it openly and directly within and as myself and I look at the time-line of mental events that has occurred as a build-up of thoughts that has accumulated to this ‘energy-bundle’ than now comes up as a reaction, so that I can clearly direct myself to release myself from this reaction through walking back in time and allocate the origin point of my reaction and accordingly take self-responsibility and prescribe a self-corrective solution and application for myself based on the principle of what is best for all – either through simply walking the correction immediately in the moment, through applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements out loud or through scheduling a moment for myself to sit down and write the point out. Because I see, realize and understand how utterly pointless it is to suppress myself because it actually only gives the emotions even more ‘life’ through me fearing them and judging them when I can instead support myself to be with myself here in stability whatever comes up within me.

I will continue with these points in my next post.

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For Better or Worse: DAY 199

Tags

Demon, Desteni, Family, Forgiveness, Human, Intimate relationship, marriage counsling, marriage problems, relationship, relationship advice, Relationship problems

The reason why I started writing about relationships and making videos about relationships was because of the vast amount of points that I saw coming up in my own relationship – in particular all the characters and personalities and reactions creeping out from any nook and cranny in my mind. In many ways it is like becoming a monster or realizing that one had been occupied by an alien invasion because having gone from being a seemingly ‘civilized’ person, suddenly one is displaying one dysfunctional feature after another. And obviously we learn all of this at home, through seeing our parents and how they interact as well as seeing adults in general interrelate not to mention how we ‘perfect’ the insanity while growing up.

In most of the relationships that I’ve had so far I simply walked out when the insanity started peeking out and I never ever stayed and try to salvage the relationship. I simply switched off the ‘love button’ and happily moved onto to another adventure in the hopes that this new partner would be comprised of such a chemical composition of personality and temper that simply being with them would immediately cure any insanity or ‘hole’ I had within me. I literally believed that my only problem was simply not finding the ‘right one’ and that once I did, I would magically turn into the perfect woman – simply by being in my partner’s presence. Obviously that never worked out and I blamed my partners.

So now I am here in a relationship that is by no means perfect and I am acutely aware that I am responsible for any imperfections that my relationship may endure, because the relationship consist of me and my partner and I’m bringing everything I’ve ever been into this partnership and I am asking the partnership to deal with my insanity – because when you live with someone day in and day out for several years, at some point you just can’t keep the floodgates shut anymore and the ‘real you’ starts seeping through. And this is what has happened to me. I’ve quite successfully managed to hide myself in all my relationships – including friendships and to some extent family relationships. Because I could always just leave and move and go home to myself and be alone. Now I can’t do that anymore.

And when it is suggested by Desteni to prepare oneself absolutely before entering into an agreement – it is no joke. I wasn’t prepared – and it was not so much not being prepared to live with another or to even be faced with another’s ‘demons’. It was my own demons that I wasn’t prepared for, the demons that oddly enough only come out in relationships – even in my life alone with myself they didn’t come out. Because I had made myself ‘civilized’ and ‘functional’ through suppressing all sides of myself that I did not consider ‘good’. Or I would simply go home and hide under the covers.

To clarify: the ‘bad’ I am talking about here is for example all the little tricks we learn in relationships, emotional blackmail, self-pity, seduction, sweet-talking, blame, projection, judgment, sarcasm, parenting, policing, victimization, dependency, co-dependency, self-sabotage, addiction, justifications, lying, cheating ….. you name it. And each person has their own spin on these relationship ‘games’ that we’ve learned, each person has created their own approach to surviving in relationships with other human beings.

The difference is that I am walking this relationship as a Destonian and my partner happens to be a Destonian. As such we are walking an Agreement. The agreement is that we will walk together in sorting ourselves out. It is in no way romantic or beautiful or necessarily harmonic – and why not? Because I am not. In the context of this discussion it also doesn’t matter whether my partner is walking with Desteni or not, because I would have been confronted with my own demons either way – simply by being together with someone for that long.

The point that I am facing is that I wasn’t prepared when I entered into this relationship. As such I hadn’t established a stable foundation of walking my own process before expanding myself to walk with another and face what may come through that. A lot of things have developed already and I’ve perfected myself through walking with a partner, however the relationship ‘demon’ still rears its head – and it has many, many heads. Like I said, even in being alone I had kept these parts of myself hidden from myself through creating some fake form of civilization. Many people can probably relate to how otherwise these ‘demons’ only come out in what would appear as random moments, in traffic or when dealing with bureaucracy over the phone. It doesn’t happen very often – but in a relationship it does, because it is like one’s buttons are constantly being pushed.

So I will continue walking this process in these blogs and in the videos and I will continue focusing on the most prominent ‘demonic’ relationship experiences that I see is prohibiting me from actually embracing myself and embracing an agreement with another. I mean, I am starting here from scratch. Everything I know about being in a relationship are things that serves no purpose in a living agreement where two beings come together to support one another to become one’s full potential.

The whole point of being in a relationship was from the beginning that I thought that the other person was supposed to be like an anti-dote to the venom I believed to have inside me – but what I am realizing is that it is more like the relationship is showing me that I need to be my own anti-dote. Oddly enough the relationship is showing me that I can’t run from myself or escape the consequences of whom and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It is giving me the opportunity to face all parts of myself and first and foremost those parts that are not best for all life – so that I can in fact change myself and become a human being that I would want to live with and as, for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to face myself through an agreement with another and I would not trade the shitstorm of facing my own demons with the dull life of deception in blissful self-containment and suppression. At least the shit is in my face. That means that I can deal with it, wipe myself clean and actually give myself a fresh start.

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• *Relationship Success Support – Introduction
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• * LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
• * The Spirituality of the Snail
• * Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
• * How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
• * What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
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Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

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