In this post I am going to give myself the time and space to write out a particular point that I have been facing in the recent days. I have otherwise in the previous posts been focusing on writing about the Desteni group and how the group has assisted and supported me through the past five years. So in this post I will share an example of what it means to ‘write oneself out’ and how one can utilize writing to assist and support oneself in a way that can literally change one’s life through utilizing the tools shared by Desteni of writing oneself through/to self-honesty and self-responsibility as well as utilizing self-forgiveness to release oneself from the past. For those interested in learning more about utilizing writing as a tool for self-development and growth, I recommend checking out the Desteni I Process Lite course, which is a FREE online course. If you’d like support with a specific point you are facing, I suggest joining the Desteni Forum where support is available 24/7 provided by people who have walked the same/similar points.
The blog-post is quite long as I’ve been writing it during a two-day period and as I started writing I realized how extensively this point has defined and affected me throughout my life. So if this is a point that you’ve faced as well – I definitely suggest walking through the self-forgiveness statements and read them out loud for yourself as well as add your own.
Now, this point is very specific and as I found when I started investigating it, it is even more specific than I could have imagined. And perhaps I will even open up further dimensions here that expand on the specificity of the point. Specificity by the way – is key to writing oneself out. Without specificity we cannot get to the root of the problem – it’s the same as with weeding: without getting all the roots out, the weeds grow back. So therefore when we are writing ourselves out, it is of vital importance to move oneself to an absolute point of specificity and interestingly enough the more specific one become, the more points of specificity opens up and one is able to see more intricate points and one is able to see deeper through the layers of the mind.
The background of the point that I will be writing about starts with the fact that I for the last ten years have had an extensive pain in my calves and in the lymphatic system. While being here on the farm I was assisted by Sunette to open the point up for myself and when we looked at a particular judgment, the thought that came up was: “There must be something wrong with me.” So basically this is a thought that frequently comes up in my mind and when it does I feel ‘apathetic’, ‘heavy’, ‘nervous’ and ‘fearful’. I feel like giving up. When I started investigating what moment it is that the thought comes up I noticed that it is specifically in situations where I feel excluded or not included in some form of group activity. I have also within this noticed a point of jealousy emerging when I see other people receiving attention when in a group or with other people where I am not receiving attention.
So then I started today to look back through my life to connecting the dots between the thought “There must be something wrong with me”, the connection to being in a group (by the way: most specifically with other women being ‘selected over me’) and the experience of jealousy, feeling left out and feeling apathetic and inferior.
I then recognized this specific pattern from childhood experiences both in preschool but even more so in primary school with other girls where deliberate exclusion was used as a way of dominating, undermining and manipulating each other. So what I realized was that this specific points pertains to memories where other girls told me: “you’ can’t play with us!” And when I asked them why I don’t remember ever feeling that I got an honest answer. And so that is where the sentence – or rather decision that “There must be something wrong with me” stems from. Something quite interesting in this context is that I was writing this in English and when I read the words: “You can’t play with us!” it didn’t sound right. So when I translated it to Danish, which was the actual word spoken back then I could immediately feel the experience from back then. However at the same time the sentence: “There must be something wrong with me” is one that I ‘hear’ distinctly in English which is probably because I’ve been speaking and writing mostly in English during the past five years however what I also see is that the experience that there’s something wrong with me was firstly a non-verbal thought and then an emotion and later in life I then put in the words as a statement that solidified the point as ‘true’. So what I saw within this is that I believed that I was wrong. I believed they didn’t want to play with me because there was something wrong with me and this point developed to quite a paranoia where even if no one had said that they wouldn’t play with me, I would easily feel excluded and pushed out. I developed a pattern of then waiting for people to ‘invite’ me into their circle. But I also did something else that is interesting: I started changing myself because I believed that I was what was wrong – I decided that I was wrong and in my ‘logic’ what would then make sense was to change myself to be liked by other children. I spent the next twenty years doing that, until I had perfected the skill of making others like me through observing what they liked and I was finally in a group where I felt accepted. However this experience didn’t last because I still hadn’t sorted out the original point of believing that there was something wrong with me or of feeling excluded if others didn’t want to play with me. So no matter what I did or how ‘intimate’ relationships I believed I was developing, I was never able to let go of that feeling and therefore I never felt satisfied, I never felt I belonged anywhere. I didn’t see, realize and understand that what I had faced was a deliberate mechanism of exclusion – in many cases, not all – because sometimes perhaps someone simply didn’t want to play with me. But in my mind I took it personally because of the initial experiences with deliberate exclusion. But I didn’t realize that all it was, was a mechanism that we as children used on each other – taught by our parents through them excluding us from ‘grown-up’ activities without any explanation. And I’ve done it myself in equal measure. People I resisted as a child, I just pushed away. And I clearly remember how we never gave the person who was excluded a straight answer. Because we couldn’t! Because that answer would have been: “we are excluding you because it makes us feel more powerful that we have the power to decide who’s ‘in’ and ‘who’s’ out. Quite the fuck-up.
So now this entire point has developed into quite the paranoia-pattern where I, as soon as a group activity is happening where I am not included, I feel excluded, but even more so: I believe that the reason why I am excluded is because there is something wrong with me.
Consider how insane this actually is. That we walk around with all these experiences and thoughts that creates massive internal conflicts within us, that we mostly don’t even talk about – and then it turns out that it all originated in a memory from when we were a child where we took something personally or misread a situation and then from there developed an entire spider web of reactions that became automated to the point where we accepted it as ‘who’ we are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow an experience of feeling excluded from the group of girls I was in as a child to exist within and as me because I took it personally when they said that I couldn’t play with them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when girls said that I couldn’t play with them because I didn’t understand why they didn’t want to play with me and since they didn’t give me a straight answer as to why they didn’t want to play with me, I concluded within and as myself that I within my beingness was the reason why they didn’t want to play with me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to conclude that ‘there must be something wrong with me’ because that was the only explanation I could see as to why the girls didn’t want to play with me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to already from kindergarten when I was four years old take it personally when other children say I couldn’t play with them, not seeing, realizing or understanding how children use exclusion as a deliberate form of manipulation, control, dominance and overpowering and that I have done the exact same to other children without a blink of an eye where I justified it to myself as being righteous because it made me feel more powerful to have control over who could play or not and because I understood it as a ‘life and death’ situation where I could either win or lose as well as justifying it through blaming the child that I deliberately excluded as being ‘wrong’ – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this is exactly why I took it personally when it happened to me, accepting that there was something wrong with me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that children do not simply come up with excluding other children out of the blue because they’re ‘mean’ or ‘evil’ but that exclusion is something we learn from our parents when they tell us that we cannot participate in their activities or that what they are talking about is ‘too grown-up’ for us to understand without giving any explanation from which we learn that we can use exclusion as a way to gain power over others exactly as we experienced our parents having power over us
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the exclusion that children do to each other, is the exact same exclusion that parents do to their children in a display of control, power and dominance
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when we as children exclude someone because we believe that there’s something wrong with them, that they’re ‘weak’ or ‘not normal’ – it is because we are accessing a social competition and control where we deliberately exclude anything and anyone that doesn’t fall within the standards of how a person is supposed to be – not seeing, realizing or understanding that these standards aren’t ‘natural’ or based on a commonsensical assessment of what is best for all, but on a deliberate control over expression where only those who participate in the game of competition and hierarchy get to participate so as to ensure that everyone is kept within the confinements of the group and that no real expression or any expression that can threaten the status quo of the system can mess with the system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately exclude children using the justification that they’re ‘odd’ or ‘weak’ or ‘weird’ because they didn’t automatically fall within the standards of what I perceived and believed to be what is ‘normal’ whether because of physical ‘abnormalities’ which could be anything from someone wearing glasses or being a redhead or somehow physically impaired to someone who didn’t immediately fall into the social rules of conduct as playing in a ‘normal’ way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that one of the reasons why I was excluded as a child in certain specific situations was because I within that moment or that group-constellation did not fall into the category of being ‘normal’ because of my awareness and sensitivity towards group dynamics and because I did not automatically understand the rules of social conduct for which I then posed a threat to the system by being ‘weak’ in basically not being able to compete
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I was excluded from playing with other children as a child, because I understood and accepted that when someone was excluded it was because they in essence within their beingness was ‘wrong’ for the dynamics and standards of the group – not seeing, realizing or understanding that the starting-point of those dynamics and standards was set by the system itself originating within and as the mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was excluded from playing with other children because there was something wrong with me, as I now see, realize and understand that if we participate in judgment or resistance towards others, it is because of us projecting something of/as ourselves onto them, which means that it isn’t personal and yet I took it personal and even defined myself completely according to the belief that I accepted as true and real that “there must be something wrong with me”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and automate a pattern within and as myself based on the paranoia of being excluded when I was a child because of the belief and acceptance that there is something wrong with me where I have accepted this as a fundamental premise from which I live where whenever I am faced with/within a situation – especially with other women, because it mostly happened with females when I was a child – where I in any way can interpret the group I am participating within as excluding me, I immediately activate fear, nervousness and self-judgment within me and activate the belief that there’s something wrong with me and from there start looking at how I can be included, how I can get others to like me and how I might be able to change myself to prevent myself from being ‘wrong’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest such an extent of paranoia and fear towards being excluded, that I feel excluded even in moments where I am not actually excluded, where others are simply sharing with each other or where they’re not specifically focusing their attention on me and from there also having created a desire to get constant attention because I now believe that any moment where I’m not getting attention and where others are, mean that there’s something wrong with me – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this is because I’ve participated so extensively in the belief and acceptance that there’s something wrong with me throughout the years where I’ll believe that there’s something wrong with me, no matter which situation or group I am in
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to my experience, belief and acceptance that there’s something wrong with me is to change myself because I have so fully accepted that “I” “am” what is wrong that I can’t see any other solution than to change myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that it is within the power of others through them deciding to like me and include me or not like me and exclude me to decide whether or not I am ‘okay’, ‘enough’, ‘acceptable’, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and therefore the solution to me becoming ‘‘okay’, ‘enough’, ‘acceptable’ and ‘right’ is to change how others see me – not even seeing, realizing or understanding that it was from the beginning me, myself, I who decided and accepted that “I am what is wrong” as the reason to people not liking me or me being excluded and as such it has been in my power to decide all along
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand or admit to myself that I have decided that I am what is wrong as the reason why people don’t like me or exclude me and as such I have accepted that I am fundamentally ‘wrong’ within and as the core of myself as my beingness and therefore it is myself fundamentally I have to change – not seeing, realizing or understanding that I can’t get rid of myself or fundamentally change myself from this perspective because what was ‘wrong’ in fact was that I took it personally when I was excluded and I accepted it as true and real that it was my own fault when in fact as I have now seen, realized and understood, this is not so at all, as exclusion functions within and as a systematized social set of rules that are created to deliberately keep people contained within what is accepted and decided as ‘normal’ and ‘standard’ because any deviation from this would pose a possible threat to the system, thus seeing people as ‘weak’ and ‘odd’ and ‘weird’ when they’re not ‘playing by the rules’ of the system – and also that exclusion functions as a projection where people exclude others because they see themselves projected in them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to because of the belief and acceptance that there’s something wrong with me, because of how I took it personally when I was excluded as a child or when I felt excluded, to now believe and accept that I am wrong and I am what is wrong in any and every situation and that this is a fundamental truth about me in all dimensions and aspects of my world and myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of the belief and acceptance that there’s something wrong with me, because within and as feeling, believing and accepting that there IS something wrong with me, I believe that I can control the outcome and by observing people and what they like, make them like me and want to be with me – not seeing, realizing or understanding how this has not ever worked in fact because I don’t actually know what is going on within other people and as such I have always felt completely powerless and submitted to the likings of others while believing I could somehow control them to like me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately analyze and observe other people and what they’re likes and dislikes were as well as which people in my world was mostly liked by others and then deliberately changed myself to be like them so as to ensure that others would like me and not exclude me to prevent myself from having the experience that there’s something wrong with me, even though I was never able to because I had already accepted as a fundamental premise of my being that there’s something wrong with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because of the belief and acceptance that there’s something fundamental wrong with me, always feel like I am in debt to other people and because I believe that they have the power to exclude me or include me, I feel like they are in control and power over me and therefore I must at all times make sure that I don’t do anything wrong and that I always ‘pay my debts’ in terms of making sure that I never take too much or talk too much or express myself too much and then risk that they might exclude me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and exist within and as a constructed personality and character of being someone that is likable which is basically made up of all the features that I have observed throughout my life that others liked that I then have defined as ‘who I am’ and refused to let go of, even when walking process because the fear of not being liked and within that being excluded has been all-consuming – not seeing, realizing or understanding how I had already submitted, subjected and surrendered myself to the belief and acceptance that there’s something wrong with me, which means that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself within and as my beingness and expression as fundamentally wrong and therefore as a threat and enemy to participating effectively and successfully within groups and because of this have accepted and allowed myself to suppress, deny, judge and hate nearly everything about myself that isn’t constructed based on the premise that there’s something wrong with me and that I have to change
Conversely, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience positive energetic feelings of love, adoration, superiority and self-infatuation to the aspects of myself that I’ve constructed based on the premise that there’s something wrong with me.
Within and as this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take pride in being someone that is likable and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that my process of changing myself into someone that other people like and want to be with has been a great success because I believe that I have finally gotten rid of all the parts of myself that I believed to be the reason why others didn’t like me and excluded me, all the while this isn’t true at all because no matter where I’ve been or who I’ve been with the experience that there’s something wrong with me has never gone away no matter how much others included me or showed or said that they liked me – which shows and indicates in all clarity that I am the sole creator of the belief that there’s something wrong with me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how another dimension of my fear of not being liked has to do with how I saw other people not liking my mother and how my mother was often criticized and taunted by others and how sad she was and how humiliated and broken she felt and how I decided that I would never be like her and I would make sure that I changed all the parts of myself that I saw in her, so to ensure and prevent myself from being disliked and excluded – not seeing, realizing or understanding how the fact that my mother experienced the same as I’ve experienced fueled the belief that there’s something wrong with me even more, because now I could justify it with a genetic/biological reason which solidified the belief and acceptance even more because I believed genetics/biology to be something that couldn’t fundamentally be changed – which is also why I’ve believed that I actually couldn’t change it in fact and therefore always had to hide the true nature of myself, my beingness as well as always compensate by for example helping people or being extra nice so that perhaps they would like me and include me and see some value in me in spite of the fact that I was fundamentally wrong and unacceptable and unworthy
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when and as people say they like me, or ask me for help or give me attention in any way that I can perceive as being positive – to feel relived and happy and grateful within and as experiencing in that moment that “Perhaps there’s then nothing wrong with me after all!” only to sooner or later return to my original belief and acceptance of myself as fundamentally ‘wrong’. In the next post I will proceed with self-corrective and self-commitment statements.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exclude other people deliberately because it made me feel like I had power over them, not seeing, realizing, understanding or caring about the fact that I was doing the exact same onto them as I had experienced being done onto me and thus within that make the decision to instead of treating others as I had been treated, to actually treat others as I would want to be treated and as such break the cycle of social paranoia and competition once and for all, starting with myself.
Thanks for reading.
Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses