The last couple of days I have been writing my blogs by myself without publishing them. The point of self-forgiveness I will be sharing here is about reacting to something in another that is in fact about myself. I have continued and I will continue focusing on the point of accepting what comes up within and as the mind as real because that is an important point in terms of making the distinction and accordingly direct oneself to not participate in the thoughts, backchats and experiences that comes up. I also have and will continue to focus on the point of participation and who I am within how I participate in my world and my reality because that is definitely a primary point I am facing. So both of these points are integrated into and considered in the self-forgiveness I share here.
I am continuing from the following posts:
- The Only Way to Break The Spell of the Mirroring Self: DAY 155
- Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154
- Back to Breath (Day 21 of 21) Preventing Comfortable Numbness: DAY 153
- Loyal to Fear as The Pimp of Lies: DAY 156
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a constant experience of anger towards another for not taking care of practical things the way that I see they should do so and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame and fear another for what I perceive as them being egotistical
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully integrate within to and as myself the understanding that when I react I am seeing myself and therefore when I react to what I perceive my another doing, I am actually reflecting my own relationship with myself onto another where I am the one that is egotistical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny the fact that specific actions I take and points I allow to exist within and as me is self-interested and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself in and as those points as though it doesn’t exist and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subsequently project who I am onto another as representing outside and separate from me and then go into an entire time loop of blaming and judging and being angry at them when in fact it is myself I am angry at
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being egotistical instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only be angry at myself if I am in separation with myself, meaning that one part of me is looking at another part of me – because otherwise, I would simply see the point of self-compromise, abuse and deception and immediately move myself to self-correction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately move myself to self-correction and that I have instead bullied myself and bullied my another and been angry at myself within and as expecting more of myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I already know/knew that who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become in/as/through my abdication of myself to the mind and therefore when I see who I am in and as self-interest, it should not surprise me or bring me to judge myself because I already knew that this was who/what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become and thus the fact that I get angry at myself is showing me that I either have had expectations to myself that were self-delusional/deceptive in terms of denying who I’ve become as the mind and/OR that I am actually well aware of what I am doing and thus compromising myself deliberately in self-abdication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger, self-judgment and blame to deliberately manipulate myself and distract myself from actually doing what is required to be done within and as moving myself immediately to a point of correction and change where I through this emotional reaction take what I do personally as though ‘this is not who I am’ or ‘this is not whom I’m supposed to be’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that who and what I am in and as self-interest is exactly whom I’ve been since I abdicated myself to the mind and therefore I can’t really expect myself to be something else and as such I see how I’ve blown the point out of proportion in terms of deceiving myself into believing that I am a good and righteous human being
I see, realize and understand that I can only change myself through embracing myself in saying: “this is what is, this is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so be it – now I’ll change.” Meaning that it is not complicated – it is simply a matter of recognizing and accepting that this is so and then change myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I get angry at myself because I am in and as self-deception and where the recognition of who I am in and as self-interest is seeing as ‘tainting’ towards my ‘self-righteous self’ meaning that part where I am pretending like I am not existing in self-interest SO that I can live in self-interest without standing responsible for the consequences of my actions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and to blame, judge and recent myself because I know that what I am accepting and allowing – in terms of not applying myself to the fullest of my capabilities – is not best for all not seeing, realizing or understanding that within and as judging, blaming and being angry at myself I am also tacitly implying and accepting that ‘this is who I am’ and that ‘I can’t change’ instead of simply and immediately as I see what it is I am accepting and allowing to be honest with/within/as myself and move to and within the simplicity of applying corrective action in terms of writing, self-forgiveness and directively changing my behavior through breathing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept ‘who I am’ within and as my participation in self-interest and deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential and capabilities specifically through separating myself from myself and as such hiding from and within myself thus creating an internal conflict because I am living on a lie pretending that I am something that I am not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny myself as how and as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in terms of deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential in making excuses and justifications and deceive myself to justify acting in self-honesty – so that I don’t have to face myself in self-honesty and so that I don’t have to stand accountable or self-responsible and so I don’t have to face the consequences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no way to escape consequences and suppressing oneself with only make a point grow in the shadows without one’s control because one has abdicated oneself to the point in refusing to take self-responsibility for oneself in and as it and have therefore made oneself less than the point which gives the point power over oneself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-control and direction to self-interest and backchat and desire for stimulation and fear through abdicating my self-responsibility for myself as that desires and fear and as such making myself less than the desire and fear thus giving it control over me and as me making it my directive principle and thus making myself a slave to fear and desire
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason why I have lived in self-interest and why I have not applied myself to the fullest of my potential, is because that is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and because I separated myself from myself as the creator of myself and abdicated self-responsibility for accepting and allowing myself to live in self-interest, I made myself powerless towards self-interest and gave self-interest a ‘life of its own’ in spite of the fact that it was always just me here
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no practical, physical, common-sensical reason for me and that it is not normal to live according to self-interest as fear and desire where I am only directing myself according to the experiences and thoughts that comes up within me and where I’ve got absolutely no self-directive will or principled application as this way of living and this self that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to become is abusive and delusional and is destructive towards life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry, frustrated and to blame and judge another for what I perceive as them being egotistical and inconsiderate as acting in self-interest within and towards practical reality when in fact what I am doing is mirroring myself onto them as a reflected projection because if I were truly seeing who they were within and as their participation I would see them as an equal and I would be able to support them as an equal, but since I am taking their actions personally in creating a personal interpretation of their actions and intents and motives, what I am seeing and experiencing has nothing to do with the other person and only with myself as that which I am showing myself through the reflection I am projecting onto the other person
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