What is Self-Care and How can We Establish it Within Ourselves? DAY 209

Tags

body, Breast, Breast cancer, Cancer, Conditions and Diseases, Consequences, Health, Physical body, Self-Care, Self-Love, Self-Nurturing, Self-Sabotage

In this post I am continuing from the last post with walking the point of establishing self-care within and as myself and how I’ve not cared about myself as a cruelty that I’ve done towards myself. The consequence of this relationship that I’ve accepted towards myself became evident a couple of days ago when I went to the hospital. Normally when I am in that kind of situation, I am quite composed and I usually never get nervous or emotional when going to the doctor. However this time something happened within me. I first went to see a doctor with my symptoms and he did a lot of tests that showed that I had some kind of infection but he couldn’t be sure what it was. He recommended that I when to the hospital for further tests so I went straight from the doctor’s office to the hospital. While I was waiting to be seen, I called around to my work and those who needed to know where I was. In the process of calling around, one person when I called asked me quickly if it was something important I was calling about. In that moment I had a strong and instantaneous reaction translated to words as: “You don’t care about me.” Immediately I looked at my reaction and I brought the point back to myself: “I don’t care about myself”. I started crying as I realized that I was in this situation because I’ve not cared about myself. All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind and I saw myself making a promise to care about myself similar to when I was a child and I promised god I would be good if he would do this or that for me. I never lived up to my promises even when I got what I wanted. And I saw how easy it would be for me to walk out and return to my life of not caring about myself. I saw how I most likely wouldn’t take this opportunity to care about myself. And as I was escorted around the hospital I noticed how most of the people there were either old or overweight. I saw how they too were there because they hadn’t cared about themselves. And now they were there to be fixed by doctors only so that they could return to their life of not caring about themselves – what a waste of life. And they drew my blood and I gave urine samples – all this I gave from my body to find out that it most likely was just a stomach virus and that my health is otherwise in good shape. It was odd leaving that hospital after five hours of testing and probing and questioning. I was close to preparing myself to go into surgery. I’ve since been eating more appropriate for my body – however the life-style if you will of not caring about myself is still not something that I’ve completely subverted or changed within me. I understand that it takes time and dedication and compassion and that it is a process – because I’ve lived an entire life of not caring about myself – of not even understanding what it means to care about myself.

Another point that opened up today was quite interesting. It is like this self-care point is coming at me from all directions. I was reading a chat where the following statement was made in support to someone walking a similar point as mine in relation to self-care:

“The breast represents Nurturing. Nurturing represents a Respect, Understanding and COnsideration for the Physical Body. That is Why, a mother nurture a child and the child drinks from the breast and it is done through Physical Care. If you allow yourself to Only exist as a Mental Entity which constantly attacks the Body and force the body to create energy for Thoughts: there is eventually going to be consequences.”

So after I had read this chat, events occurred that resulted in my cat scratching my left breast quite significantly. They do this when I hold them and they get scared, for example when we’re in the hallway to go down when someone suddenly comes. So he jumped out of my arms and in the process kicked with his right leg and made a huge scratch on my breast. Now normally these scratches are quite small, but this one is huge and will probably leave a scar and it goes all the way down across my breast.

This was significant because it is yet another manifested consequence of my lack of self-care. I know this about the cats – I’ve lived with them for two years. I didn’t have to pick him up right in that moment. I could have let the event play out in such a way that I could have prevented the scratch – but I didn’t. And I see that even when I read this quote and this chat, I still don’t experience or feel any kind of “ENOUGH” within me. Not caring about myself has become a life-style, a life-style that I am comfortable with and that has profound irreversible (like scars for example) and entirely unnecessary consequences – especially for my body.

Something I just realized that is interesting also in this context is that my mother actually lost her breast milk when I was a baby, perhaps due to the fact that she was an old mother (42). It was said that this lead to me becoming lactose intolerant which caused much pain and trouble in my early childhood. My mother also has had breast cancer two times and although it is not the kind that is genetic (as far as I know thus far) I am quite aware that this is a eminent possibility for me as well.

Another point I am also seeing is how, since undertaking this process of starting to care about myself – even as I have begun to barely open the point up – my application and expression has become stronger and more stable. This is even though I haven’t yet gone through an extensive self-forgiveness or correction writing process. And I’ve noticed this through my process as I’ve walked with Desteni and even before that: when I’ve showed myself just an inkling of self-care, my entire expression has changed and it has been like opening the floodgates into an inner world I wasn’t even sure existed within and as me- meaning an inner strength and expression and comfort and satisfaction with and as myself.

But what I have done in the past is to very very quickly close those floodgates the hell up with a mental dam of fear and excuses and self-judgment. Throughout my life I have found myself applying a very odd tactic: Whenever I’ve been close to actual self-realization or fulfillment in any way, I’ve stuck my toe in the ‘water’ and then quickly retracted as if saying: “I am savoring this moment/process/point for another time.”, “Now that I have access to this realization, I will revert back to my ‘old self’ and instead ‘save’ it.” It is very odd indeed. So I have never actually gone full out swinging myself from the chandelier bat crazy on myself when it comes to actually moving myself out of the mental facility that is my mind and into self-care and self-expression.

So this is the process that I commit myself to walk. I can see how I’ve lined up all the points for me to walk this point, right here.

So let me start by defining self-care as the preliminary definition that I hold at this moment:

Self-Care is to See and know what is Best for me and to if I don’t see or know what is best for me, to direct myself to investigate what is best for me and accordingly direct myself to live that which is best for me.

Within this I am define self-care in the context of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am a part of this world as a whole and therefore what is best for me cannot be separated from what is best for all.

Within this, I also define self-care as a physical application of what is best for me, because I see, realize and understand that what is real is the physical and therefore anything that isn’t physical or physically expressed isn’t best for me or best for all.

I commit myself to walk a process of self-investigation and self-change where I slowly but surely establish self-care in relationship with myself and with my physical body and when I have integrated self-care, to establish self-care as an expression of who I am

I commit myself to walk a process of disclosing to myself in absolute self-honesty where and when and how it is that I am not living self-care as that which is best for me and accordingly release myself from any and all belief-systems and relationships where I hold onto living in a way that isn’t best for me because I’ve allowed myself to separate myself from myself and for example live according to a belief-system or a desire but without any practical consideration or care for myself. So I commit myself to slowly but surely stop accepting and allowing myself to live in a way that isn’t best for me, through directing myself to stop participating with and within that which isn’t best for me – as mental possessions and states of mind and as physically ingrained habits as outflows of such mental possessions where I do things that I know aren’t best for me, but don’t want to stop doing them because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility for myself to the mind and therefore only have cared about myself in and as the mind and therefore only have cared about that which benefits the mind and in the process destroys that which is real life: the physical an the potential of birthing myself from/of/as the physical as self-expression and self-care.

I see, realize and understand that actual self-care cannot exist separated from my interconnectedness with the world as a whole and I see, realize and understand that the care that I experience for others, for animals, for the world, is in vain when I don’t even care about myself. As such I commit myself to walk a simultaneous process of extending my self-care to others/the world but to also bring back the care that I experience towards others/the world back to myself and first make sure that I establish it within and as myself so that the care that I share with others/the world is real, stable, consistent and genuine because it is founded upon my own self-care.

I see, realize and understand that my life could have been very different if I had honored myself, respected myself and stood within and as self-integrity and self-care and I see, realize and understand that for me to establish real self-care I have to let go of the patterns that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to infest myself with throughout my life. I see, realize and understand that it is pointless – and not self-care – to mourn opportunities lost and to regret that which I could have been, had I only cared about myself. I see, realize and understand also that the resistance that I experience towards caring for and about myself is something that I simply require pushing through, point by point, moment by moment, breath by breath as I strengthen my resolve and decision to care about myself and care for myself.

I see, realize and understand that to care about and for myself is not only about ‘care’ and implementing care in myself and my reality – it is also about ‘myself’ as who I accept myself as – because I’ve ‘cared’ about myself in the context of the mind as for example a person(ality) ‘seeking love’ or ‘searching for freedom through drugs’ and as such I have ‘cared’ in the sense of placing time and effort and participation and literally giving my life to some quest – but I didn’t ever really care for/about ME – the me’ness that is simply me. The me’ness that is simply here in every moment of every breath.

And I see, realize and understand that there are points that I will find difficult to change and so I commit myself to not judge myself for these points and I also commit myself to walk through them through the practical application of self-investigation in self-honesty as I now have established a definition of self-care for myself that is physical – which means that I see, realize and understand that any mental relationship or attachment to a specific point is not self-care and therefore I commit myself to change this relationship within an understanding of the process it takes to change a point as how I require understanding in self-honesty how I’ve created it and why I am holding onto it and what of and as myself I am separating myself from/into/as through which I’m holding onto this relationship so that I soberly can see in clarity ‘who’ I’ve accepted myself as and accordingly make the decision to change through practical application of correcting myself – through for example stopping participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings.

I will go up to here for now and continue in my next post.

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Like a dear caught in the Headlights

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addictions, anxiety, attractive, body, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, diet, drugs, emotions, fat, fear, food, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, transformation, weight, weightloss, withdrawal

This title is probably the most precise way to describe how I have experienced myself the last month or so. Like a dear caught in the headlights, stiff, alert, ready to run for a safe place to hide. I experience myself in this state of ‘freeze’, not moving, standing absolutely still not be seen, heard – caught. I stopped smoking the 1. February. Started again 21 days after, smoking for 3 days, had massive headaches every time i smoked, stopped again for aproximately a month. Meanwhile I started on what I have called a diet, but what was not supposed to be a diet, because it was ultimately about me doing something for myself for the first time in my life, about me supporting me, as life, Here, The Physical – I even started exercising, which was not part of the original plan, but which made sense as i started to lose weight. Then slowly but surely I unwinded myself, recreated the cocoon of apereant ‘comfort’ and ‘safety’ that I had found in this self-abuse disguised as ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’  – (poor me, I deserve a cookie, I can’t stop eating cookies, poor me). As I have looked at what really happened, my ‘rational’ explaination has been that I had made it about someone else – because as soon as I was not in the company of those that had pushed and supported me directly within this, I crawled back into my hidingplace, behind weight, food and cigarettes. Since I have been struggling with moral scruples and inner fights and debates. But what I have done in fact, is that I have let the thoughts, the addiction, the fear – take over. Making it about someone else having taken responsiblity for it and clamining myself to weak to Stand on my own two feet, is yet another way of attemptying to shift responsiblity. Because the matter of the fact is that what I was doing – was in fact working. I was becoming stronger, could see more clearly and began actually caring for myself in fact. What I however experiecned was that the emotions that came with the withdrawl, was too much for me to handle. What I have found absurd and still do, is that I had all the tools available to deal with my experiences – maybe as Breath, Breathing through the point, as I have done before and as I have witnessed other do first hand – simply not participating, not accepting myself as that thought, as that emotion – and breathing it through until it disapates. I found myself unable to do that. And I have wondered how the emotions was like the child screaming, because it cannot get what it wants and would have eventually capitualted, except that I gave in, again and again, because I could not bear the sound of the screams of dissatiscfaction. So I started smoking again, first one cigarette, then two, then hiding it from the people around me – which I then discovered has always been a part of the Addiction signature, that it is kept alive by hiding it, by playing myself up against other people in my mind – as though they were the ones responsible for me having made this decision for myself. Then I gave into it, and I smoked a pack in a couple of hours, ate a whole back of cookes, got a massive head ache and stomach cramps in returned – yet continued the next day, as though nothing had happened. Then I stopped smoking for a day or two, but it was constantly on my mind, lurking, calling and once I said ‘yes okay’ in ‘mercy’ to one thought, the next followed and then the next and before I knew it – I was back. All the weight I had lost, I had regained. It was almost as If I have not been able to handle actually being capable of doing something on my own and it actually worked!  I don’t think two months is enough to change a habit and addiction like this one. Obviously it depends on what is invested, believed and accepted about the addiction – but for me, having smoked for 16 years, since I was 12, having used cigarettes as a point of stability, familiarity, safety, power, control and utlimately as a tool to suppress everything of myself that I did not want to see or face – it might take more than two months, before the emotional chaos and the anxiety that comes with the withdrawl disapeates. But I did not stay patient or on track. I have been so used to making idealistic agreements with myself, then breaking them, laying low for a while in shame and then coming up with a new idealistic fantasy – that part was easy. I have realized a lot about myself the last few weeks that has been mildly put apaling – a roundtrip to the core of self-interest, self-pity and loathing, self-deception and abuse, to find out – that I have never actually dedicated myself to anything real in this world, I have never disciplined myself to walk through something difficult or uncomfortable. Instead I have searched the backdoors and short cuts that would make my path as easy and painless as possible – Not knowing that the easiest path is actually the longest route, because no matter what I do or where I go – I always end up Here.

In terms of this blog and series about Transformation, which is another way I have rushed ahead of myself in an attempt to prove myself worthty and in this case, of actually having changed and stood up – I will keep writing. I have not written anything lately because I was ashamed, I was as the dear caught in the headlights and I wanted to present myself only once I again had success with my process of transformation – Instead of Realizing that this, what I am experiencing now is a part of the Process and as I Fall – I Stand up again.

On Exercise

Tags

aerobis, body, depression, diet, exercise, fun, gymnastics, movements, music, weightloss

I have been exercising everyday now for 3 weeks or so. I have been pushing myself more and more within it. It is great because Esteni is doing it with me and she has a lot of experience with aerobics and she is pushing me as well. From the beginning I have been unclear about my own starting-point for doing this, because there is definitely a motive in me for becoming pretty and attractive. But as I am doing the actual exercises, some totally different points emerge within me, and I Realize that I can utilize this even though my startingpoint was fucked and simply change myself within it. It is still a very new experience for me. What happens is that when I am doing the exercises I can only doing it effectively if I am actually in the movements myself. It is simply not possible if I am doing it half way. And as I allow myself to do it all the way, with myself completely in the movements, I experience myself being Here. In my fingertips , in my toes, in my chest. Today I had been emotional throughout the day and as the time came to do the exercise I was very close to say no. I am sure I am not the only one who has had this experience, where if you are depressed or whatever, then the last thing you want to do, is actually move yourself physically. That’s one of the reasons why people don’t move much, I think. So I did it anyway, but as we were starting, I felt so crappy. It was like the experience brought up how I really felt about and experienced myself, which I had suppressed and ignored without actually being aware of it. What was so strange was that the thoughts was there, but I was tensing myself so that I was not present in my body at all. And then as I started moving, with resistance as we were exercising, I could suddenly feel physically how I ‘d actually experienced myself emotionally or how I’d accepted myself on an emotional level. The experience was profound. I felt clumsy, embarrassed, restrained, ashamed as I started doing the exercises. As we have been doing it, I often feel frustrated and embarrassed when I don’t know how to do the exercises. I have always had trouble with dance moves and coordination moves and another point is that I don’t like it when I am not good at something. But today it was even more extensive . But because I had also had the experience in previous sessions where I had actually done it for myself, being in the movements for and by myself, I was able to push and move myself through it. It is strange, it is like an example of how you can take a shitty experience or where you are fucking around with yourself – and actually change it into an experience and expression of Great Support. I have been doing different exercises. At first I was swimming every day, but now it has become more chilly. What was so cool about it was that I had decided to exercise minimum 30 min. Every day and then within that I could do whatever I wanted to. That gave it a lot of flexibility. So as I was swimming I just changed it around every now and then. Then I would do some sit ups and push ups in the evening. The way I do it now is more like having a personal trainer, which is extremely cool. Esteni knows so many movements and she challenges me in a cool way where it is actually a lot of fun. As we do the exercises I am surprised to find myself actually doing aerobics and even enjoying it

I will be sharing more about my experiences with Resistance and how I experience myself within exercising and physical movements.

Addiction 101 – When Food is not just Food

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addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, coffee, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, looks, rehab, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, smoking, standing up, transformation, ugly, ugly duckling, weight, weightloss

It started with a piece of cheese.

Yesterday as I woke up, I was going to eat breakfast. I ‘asked my body’ what it wanted and the ‘reply’ I got was ‘cheese’. See I ‘love’ cheese, and I always got a stomach ache from eating rich cheeses and dairy products such as ice cream, so it was like a specific point and example of self-abuse and self-interest, where I ate cheese even though it gave me a stomach pain, with the justification that I was allowed to, because it is my body and I decide what I do with it and it is only a little cheese and it tastes so good that I just can’t help myself.  This whole thing fast becomes complicated and a whole world in itself – because besides being type A blood type and therefore being predisposed of not processing dairy very well, in addition I was lactose intolerant as a child, supposedly because my mother, who gave birth to me at the age of 42, ‘ran out’ of breast milk when I was an infant. So I did not eat or drink anything containing dairy until I was 12 and she decided to test out if I was still intolerant. Up until then I only had access to dairy when I sneaked my way to it. So I would eat ice cream at a birthday party without my mother knowing it, and two hours later break out with hives all over my body. Or I would steal a big chunk of cheese from the fridge and keep it  hidden so I could eat from it when I wanted to. So it is sufficient to say that cheese has a special place in my heart. I am telling this story to share how easy it is to dilute oneself into believing something is an act of innocence – when in fact a lot of manipulation and deception has gone into it. After what happened yesterday, I am pretty sure that it was not by body claiming that it required cheese and that it was a thought that I interpreted as the body speaking, so that I could justify for myself eating cheese.  Anyway, I ate the cheese, just a little bit I told myself. With two pieces of dried toast. Afterwards I got a stomach ache, almost as on schedule, maybe because I felt guilty or for making a big deal out of it – What is really interesting is what happened following the ‘cheese incident’ the rest of the day yesterday and today as well. I experienced the most difficult day so far of keeping my diet, not overeat and not eat from desire for taste, memory and so on. I started making excuses and stepped over the boundaries I have set for myself. In return I felt guilty and my body felt very uncomfortable, heavy and aching. Today I have even considered smoking a cigarette. Last time I did that , it did not take me many hours before I did smoke the cigarette and soon after that was back on my 20 + a day. So I haven’t and I noted this for myself as I had the thought. It all started with me allowing myself to eat a piece of cheese and it has obviously very little to do with the cheese itself. It has to do with who I was in that moment. The day before yesterday I experienced a release and I trusted myself, to simply eat, instead of having to restrict myself according to specific rules and so I expected that I would be able to do the same the following day. It was almost like an arrogant moment of believing that I now have full control over my actions. Because I clearly don’t. And it is not because I am not able to Direct myself in the moment – it is because I have been living this for so long, for so many years that I have created myself around it, I  have created a relationship to food, to eating, to smoking, to consuming that is not based on nurturing my body, but on satisfying ideas of satisfaction, of taming and obeying fear and desires – of everything else than being Here. And this is not the first time I have experienced this – and I am not the only one who has experienced this. It is a classical fall for addicts. Once you are over the worst Jonesing, which is mostly physical uncomfortability where you have to simply focus on not consuming your drug of choice, it suddenly becomes more easy, like a breathing space, where things are going well. The thing that I have experienced in stopping addictions and cravings, is that after a while, I get used to this ‘new way of living’ – it is suddenly not new anymore. I do not have to push myself to keep the diet or to not smoke.  It is simply a matter of not doing it. For many people, this is where they fall in. When I stopped smoking the first time, I started again after 21 days. All it took was one thought, that I diluted myself to believe was innocent. ‘I’ll just have one cigarette’. So this is the point, where I cannot expect anything of myself. It is still a matter of moment to moment Self-Honesty. And this, by catching myself doing this, by slowing down, not judging and actually seeing what it is I am doing – I can flag all of these possible ‘pits’ for myself, so that I do not have to fall on my ass every couple of days, just to pick myself up again. Why was it the cheese that made me break the deal? Because cheese in my book is not just cheese. It is a symbol within my mind of how I treat myself with something that I am deprived from, a speciality , a luxury, where I am independent and do what is Best for me – Only that is how I created it in my delusion as a child, because it is not what is best for me – it is self-abuse and I did it, because I believed I was treated unfair, that there was something wrong with me, that I was punished because I was not allowed to eat what I wanted to. So it has become a symbol, twisted and distorted, no longer with any relation to what it actually consist of and what is Common Sense. This is how we fuck with ourselves. How we walk into, defend and justify situations and experiences, that is not best for us and certainly not what is Best for All.

Mind & Body – Detox and Deconstruction

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addictions, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, dependency, depression, diet, drugs, emotions, Equality, fear, food, Future, looks, love, mental problems, Oneness, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, smoking, standing up, Structural Resonance Alignment

So Im now a month into, a little over a month not smoking and on you can call it rehab in terms of eating with my emotions, eating to get high, eating to get energy and basically stimulating myself to get energy and to… well thats what Ive Realized after I started the diet and stopped smoking, because I have constant craving for smoking, eating, speaking, watching, basically anything that can give me the sense of being filled up or filling myself up, anything that is not just me Here keeping occupied, and its interesting because Ive noticed that there are like specific points, where I wanna smoke, it is particularly if I get stressed or if I get scared then I wanna smoke. Which could signify that that is where Ive not been able with stuff myself and have used cigarettes to control my reality and to give me a sense of comfort and safety within my world. So… something I find interesting is that when I first stopped smoking and I went on this eating rehab, detoxification programme, I thought that it was only gonna be a face or a while and then I would be able to go back to my habits, and Ive that thats not so that this is a complete change of, its basically the beginning of a complete change of who I am, which is going to have to Stand. Im not saying that I might not eat differently at some point, but at this point, what I realize is that the way Ive been attached to eating, the way Ive been eating, the way Ive been drinking, the way Ive been stimulating myself, is so completely engrained within me, where Ive diluted myself and been dishonest with myself and made excuses and justifications so I cant possibly go back to just eat what I want to, because its not what I want to. How I taste, what I feel like eating, feeling of hunger, of thirst its not real. Its not based on the body saying: I need nutrition now, I Require fuel to be able to function. So Ive basically fucked up my whole physical system in terms of making it into a mind-fuelling system, which we obviously have in other perspectives as well, but this is like very specific, like I said: eating with my emotions. And even now after a month, I find it extremely difficult and Im surprised how difficult it is. At the same time, Im determined. Im going to, Im going through it, Im walking through it, Im doing it but every day I Realize something about how intense and how attached this system is within me. I dont even know who I am, because how can I know who I am, when I experience a craving for something and it gives me a stomach ache, and its basically not optimal in any way for body, how can I say I know who I am, I mean I know who I am as an addict, I know who… I know what satisfies my addiction. I know what my addiction requires, to be able to sustain itself, because thats the tricky part it is to, for the addiction to sustain itself, its not to actually get rid of the craving. I realized earlier today as I was scratching a mosquito bite, that its basically the same principle the more you scratch, the more it itches.

Flag it, Tag it, Bag it!

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addictions, anxiety, behavior, body, Change, color, dependency, emotions, love, Mental World, Patterns, relationship, self, self trust, self-accept, Self-Transformation, Thoughts

This is a method I am developing within myself after having heard an interview in relation to the Structural Resonance Alignment Course, where a couple in an Agreement called Marlen & Jorn (who lives here on the farm) had a Discussion with there Resonances. In the interview they talked about how Marlen and Jorn was very effective when they saw a point in themselves or with each other that required a correction, to move straight to the corrective application and change immediately. I found this very interesting and have been working with it ever since, because I was coming from an idea/acceptance that there was a ‘process’ to go through with everything, like first you write and then you do self-forgiveness and then… but even within that it was based on ‘the right thing to do’ – as in Separation of me Here, and not as Simplistic Common Sense. Because when I looked at it, with a lot of points I did see straight and clearly what I was doing – yet I wasn’t stopping or changing me.

Then I developed this method for myslef, which I am still busy applying – I call it:

The idea is very simple: When you see a point, a pattern, a thought or whatever wherein you are limiting/accepting yourself within an as a mind-construct and it is clear to you; ‘oh, okay, this is what I am doing,  because I believed that and that is how I created/accepted myself within and as it’

FLAG IT! Here you can write down situations, trigger points, events where this plays out. That is where you within yourself place a ‘flag’ so that you will notice when it happens again.

TAG IT! Now you have identified the point, so now you walk. You tag it, by being aware of your flag points, by noticing when you get trigger, when you reacted. and you follow the line. Now you got yourself on a hook and line. No way of getting out now, cause you saw it and by tagging yourself within it, saying to yourself ‘whop, there i went again’. You keep the point Here for you to deal with.

BAG IT! This is simply the process of letting go/stopping/not participating in the point/pattern/thought/reaction. What and however you can stop, is cool. For me Physical Action is the most effective. For others it might be saying ‘Stop’ inside or out loud. Whatever works for you, you do it. Try different methods and be aware that because this is something you are doing for you and because you are dealing with points that you’ve created and accepted within and as you as real, as who you are – you are the only one that can stop yourself. Therefore no one can tell you how to Stop.

From there you simply walk. Next time Stop again. Next point: Flag it, Tag it, Bag it! And so slowly but surely, we disengage ourselves from all these conditioned and predisposed ways of existing – in separation with and to what is Really Here – With ourselves. To me it has been a key that the point is to keep going. That means that we will make mistakes. But it is then and there that we push ourselves, pick ourselves up again and keep walking.

For more information about the Structural Resonance Alignment Course visit: http://www.Desteni.co.za

Here is the link to the interview/discussion with Marlen and Jorn and their Resonances.

Becoming the Living Example of Change

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addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, boyfriends, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, depression, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, independence, integrity, looks, losing weight, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, sex, transformation, weightloss

My change in lifestyle aka ‘The Diet’ ( means a way of Life in Latin) is not only about not smoking and eating differently. It is about changing myself and my body, from having existed in self-abuse and self-negligence to actually begin expressing and appreciating myself. The Abuse that Exists in this world, the Negligence that Exist in this world, the Inconsideration that Exist in this World – is the same Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration that have Existed in me. And as I clearly See and Understand that it is not an Acceptable way of Living, when I look at the World and the outflow of this Acceptance – I have had difficulty in applying it in/for and as myself. And therefore I have also not been able to Support anyone else, let alone Stand up from within it – because I was still Living it. I was still Accepting Self-Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration as a ‘Way of Life’, in the World as in myself. Therefore this Process is not about losing weight, becoming skinny, pretty, attractive or to gain recognition from someone else. Unfortunately I still see the signs of it in me, (as I have judged it, instead of recognizing it for what it is) as I look into the mirror and enjoyed the fact that I have lost weight or when others comment on it. But I also know that if that was the only reason, I would not be able to do it for long – It would be conditioned and I would not be doing it for me, thus it would just be another way of Abusing myself. But these elements are still ‘there’ – the self-abuse that I have existed within and as, is still there. It is not like just because I made the decision to Stand up – that it is automatically going to happen and I can lean back and enjoy the ride. No – This is something, where I have to watch my every step. There are lots of possible blind spots, where I can dilute myself into Self-Abuse again, and as I have found, it is a matter of consistently, stubbornly and gently to push myself every time it happens. Instead of judging myself, when I fail, lie or make mistakes – I can push myself to Correct and Stand. Because I have made the decision. And I am doing this for me. Because I have never ever done anything for myself in my entire life. And yet, as always, it is all in reverse. Everything I have done and participated within, has been from a starting-point of getting others to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me and accept me. That is Self-Interest. That is being diluted and lost in my own bubble of perceived and self-Accepted inferiority – where all I care about is the energy of someone looking at me, smiling, complimenting me. And everything I do is like an addict hungry for a fix, to get that dose of energy. This is also something that I have not completely stopped. But I see it when it happens and most times I go: “damn, I did it again.” – But I have Realized that it requires my dedication and consistency to ‘make it stop’ – just as it required my active participation in ‘making it start’ – Because I am that which is invested in this mess.
This is how we become Living Examples – We Walk, One Step at the Time. But it cannot be done in dishonesty – we will know it. Living means actually changing Everything, not as an idea or a theory or a wish – but an Active, Actual Change. To do this, it has been extremely assisting for me to have a Physical ‘Marker’  as for example shaving, not smoking, eating, drinking, having sex etc. Because it is in those moments that we see who we are – How do we Act? How do we Respond? What makes us React? And then We Change – and next time it happens, we Change again… until there is nothing left and we are Simply Here.

Who is eating when we eat?

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addiction, body, burgers, depression, drugs, emotions, fast food, fish, food, Food & Nutrition, how to lose weight, lasagna, manipulation, pills, pleasure, power, rehab, sadness, salt, self, self esteem, sorrow, tortilla, weight loss

DIET – Sounds like DIED

–   In Latin it Means ‘A Way of Life’

I am constantly thinking about food, how to eat, when to eat and especially what to eat. I have been very confused about this ‘diet/detox/rehab/deprivation’ programme and I can see how I have wanted to replace my way of eating (which I have defined as anarchistic within me) with a bullet proof system I could follow, so to not make mistakes, not fail  and make it easier for myself to keep it going. So I kind of interpreted that the point was to a) eat healthy, b) to stop eating with my emotions and c) to lose weight. I have in that sense been eating according to common knowledge about health, though with the awareness that some of the stuff might be bullshit.

I actually realized when I brought the point of eating the lasagna Here, as I stopped for a moment to consider my apparent ‘choice’ that I did not in fact provide me with anything substantial, nutrition or taste wise. Me eating that instead of for example whole grain bread, is based on a idea about lasagna. And that idea about lasagna is based on a belief that if I eat what I want to – I am free. Yet it is never really what I want to, because it is based on memories, rules, ideas about taste and consistency of certain foods, and is thus as conditioned as it is programmed and fixed before I even put the food into my mouth. So I put the lasagna back and took whole grain bread instead. I added cottage cheese and again Bernard ‘ruined it’ for me by asking me about this food. He basically said that it is unlikely that I will transcend this point in this life, because I am not stopping my emotions. Instead I have used the excuse and control of wanting to understand, which is bullshit, because I just want to understand so that I can control myself out of this – which is obviously impossible. I have accepted this challenge as being extremely difficult, as the point of eating has been so intense and powerful within me. At the same time, there are Common Sense points, wherein it is obvious how I have made this point a key point in me stopping myself from exiting in self-Abuse, participating in energetic and emotional manipulation and basically in stopping myself from existing within and as the mind – as conditioning, based on the Acceptance of myself according to memory, manipulated information and emotional patterns. The food serves as an example, as a way of showing myself and seeing what I am and have been doing. Here is an example: I look at a piece of whole grain bread. It looks boring, dry, serious, healthy – that is how I’ve judged it according to the ‘role’, ‘symbol’ that I have accepted it as according to specific memories and definitions within my life. It also reminds me of my mother, as she would bake this with great devotion and I would get it for lunch everyday in school for years. I also appreciated it and rejoiced with her over the wonders of this bread. It was her specialty. So it is sufficient to say that it is not just bread. It has a meaning, it triggers judgment, like and dislike justified through apparent taste experience. So in my book, eating a piece of whole grain bread without anything on it, is probably like the most boring food in the world. It is also something that girls who really wants to be healthy or lose weight do. (And I am not one of those girls, because I accept myself as I am). Now I eat the piece of bread and because I know it is all I am going to eat. It is my main meal and course for this evening, I slow myself down as I am eating. In utter surprise I realize how good it tastes. And that I can actually recognize different tastes within it, like the poppy, sesame and sunflower seeds. I can actually tell them a part and experience a appreciation for each taste experience. Before I would have chucked it all down. What does this tell me? It tells me that I cannot trust any of my ideas or experiences towards food. Because they are conditioned and based on ideas that are specifically mastered according to my memories, definitions and acceptances of myself since I was a child. They are not objective truths, even though with a lot of tastes for example, many people agree and reinforces the beliefs, which they producers are obviously aware of as they design their product according to feelings of belonging, of keeping traditions, of being cool and so on and so on. But the experience I have of the craving, the lacking or missing out – is physical. It is in my mouth.

So when I am about to eat, it is with a whole string of expectations, emotions and conditions tied to ideas about taste, fullness and the like.

I eat 5 portions a day the size of my fist. I might step up to six if I am up for many hours a day. The one time I did it, I felt guilty. But I have decided that it is okay, because I want to keep the body burning fuel and experiencing being full and not go into ‘lock-down’ starvation mode. I Realized today that all the meals i eat through out the day now – is the equivalent of 1-2 meals how i was eating before. A pizza for example would be like 6 meals.

Mostly I eat dry toasted bread, fruit or vegetables. I eat rice and rice cakes and meat for dinner most days. Between the 5 meals, two are considered ‘main-meals’. I still eat the same portion as in the other meals, but I eat more substantial food like whole grain bread or an egg. The meals in between is mostly two pieces of toasted bread, rice cakes or fruit.

I drink only 8 glasses of water a day, in which coffee is included. This morning I asked my body what it wanted and thus I had a glass of warm water with lemon and mint leaves, instead of coffee quite to my own surprise. Mostly when I have asked the body, the answer surprises me. It might be ice cream or cheese or some combination of foods that I had never considered before. I did not do that for very long, as I quickly returned to my patterns of eating emotionally. My goal is to develop a completely different way of eating, wherein I eat to nourish myself and in that allow the body to Direct what it requires, instead of me eating with my mind.

The water challenge has been difficult, as has the taste challenge. In the beginning I ate various foods at each meal. I Realized that that was yet another attempt of my mind to manipulate the situation for me again to eat with my mind, calling upon taste, enjoyment and tastelessness and boredom in the other end. So now if I eat fruit, I only eat fruit. If I eat Bread, I only eat Bread. I will however eat an egg as well once in a while. I do still not eat a lot of vegetables. Until now the most filling is the bread and especially the whole grain bread, which toasted an bare has been a surprisingly enjoyable eating experience, as I can now differentiate the different ingredients. I think it has something to do with not mixing so many different kinds of taste. I have discovered that I can monitor and measure myself by simply observing and ‘staying with’ myself as I go from thinking about a food to eating and after having eaten or had a drink. When I ask my body, I immediately get a ‘reply’ , almost like an image, but more like a symbol of taste popping up, only one. Like this morning with the warm water with lemon. But I am not yet certain of how all of this words, because yesterday some people were talking about that as I saw someone else drinking water with lemon, and I know from the eating according to your blood type book, that my type, (A) benefits a lot from doing this in the mornings. I used to do it as well for periods of time. Never the less, I asked my body and that is what ‘popped up’. So I did not judge it. It was not until 11 that I noticed that I hadn’t had a cup of coffee yet. Normally I will have coffee as soon as I get up – as a co pilot of working, a working treat – obviously an idea in my mind. It is also an idea in my mind that I like coffee, because when I then had one, I didn’t like it. And I had one mainly because it was 11 and I had not had one all day. It is strange to see and be convinced of something being a treat, and then not enjoying the actual experience, because the whole ‘image/picture’ of it being so and so and having this or that value – only exists in my mind. It would also mean that the Mind dictates everything and that I blindly follow. So now is the question: Why? Why do I blindly follow? Because this is just one little tiny point as an example of how nothing we do is actually decided and directed by us, but orchestrated by our minds and even more strategically, by the corporate world – who knows us better than we know ourselves.

Dreams of Self-Accepted Limitation

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1, body, boyfriends, darkness., dependency, dreams, emotions, enjoyment, independence, love, pool, relationships, self-expression, sex, water

I have had the same dream more than 10 times through out the last year. Always in different variations, different settings – but always the same scenario: I am being Physical and enjoying myself by moving my body in some abstract, impossible or amazing way. I feel the muscles stretching to their limit, surprised of what I am capable of. Last time I made a back flip. Another time I was flying and another doing the hoola hoop. Then a man or a boy walks by me, sometimes a boyfriend. I either stop what I am doing, get distracted or simply cannot do it anymore because I am focused on getting HIS attention. As soon as he enters the picture, I don’t give a shit about self-expression. I just want him to notice me. Usually he is neutral, talking or walking by me. That is the dream sequence.
Last night I had a similar dream, but it was different. I walked into a public pool with some friends. Several men, boyfriends where there as well. The pool was crowded but dim, almost completely dark. I had prepared myself well, all though I was surprised that we were going to the pool. As we arrived I left my friends, I put on glasses, ear plugs and a cap and I went straight to the pool. It was dark and I was calm and determined, as I went into the water.

Physical Transformation – Inner Change – Everything Changes

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addictions, attractive, beautiful, body, cigarettes, coffee, drugs, food, good looking, integrity, looks, losing weight, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, ugly, ugly duckling

Why am I doing this?
(Secret Mind) Looks – attractability = success
Physical condition – optimal use of the body
Self-Respect, Integrity, Acceptance – for the first time in my life doing something just for me – to be comfortable alone with me, in my own skin.

The body not only reflects but also contains all that we have ever participated in, accepted and allowed, thoughts, emotions, memories. As we walk through our day, we are constantly triggered and influenced through images, smells, sounds and feelings that correspond with a memory we have already stored in our bodies. Because of this, and because we Accept and believe that our mind, as thinking and feeling, is really who we are, we are not able to Exist Equal with and as the Physical body. My goal is to empty myself from everything I have ever identified as myself, which specifically means stopping and not participating in thoughts and emotions, which is what keeps the mind going and these self-acceptances with it.
Throughout my life I have allowed a lot of self-hate and judgment within me. Because of that my body has become an outer reflection of my ‘inner’ acceptance of myself. But not only that – Everything I have accepted myself as, is still a part of me and will be able to be seen by others in how I walk, speak and move. So even if I do stop thoughts of self-hate for example, and I begin a process of self-acceptance, the imprint of what I have accepted, is still who I am, because I have not changed myself physically, actually.
As I started my process of letting go of addictions and attachments and in that brought up suppressed emotions and feelings, I have cared mostly about the weight I would be losing. I have been exited about seeing and feeling my body changing – but also with a hidden experience of what I will be able to achieve once I have the body I want.
This is a major point for all women and one that has to be addressed immediately – because it has to be clear to us, that we are doing this for ourselves – to regain self-power, self-will, self-trust and self-acceptance and not to get a man to provide those things for us.
So within this, within the process of changing my body and how I experience, interact and move my body, I also begin a process of ‘inner’ transformation, where I allow myself to Accept myself, to Trust myself and through that Will and Empower myself to walk this through.
I do not know how long I am going to be eating like this. At the moment it feels like I am on a deprivation diet. I am on a deprivation diet, because I have placed the intake of substance as something that was more than me, as something I required to be able to exist and cope with myself.