Before continuing with my series on changing my relationship to my physical body, I am here walking a point that opened up today that I saw (with the support and assistance from Destonians in my life) that I had the opportunity to walk, direct and correct within and as myself.
What does it mean to Have Resolve?
A resolve in the context of what I am looking at here is in the dictionary defined as a firm decision or determination to act – and this is interesting considering how the original meaning of the word means to ‘loosen’ or ‘reduce into liquid’ which would be the quite opposite of making something more firm. But then I also looked at how when one stands resolute in something, one actually moves ‘smoothly’ or like water through the challenges. Kind of like water being determined to pass through rocks in a river. It is interesting with resolve. Because having resolve is to stand firmly, but it is also to be ‘loose’ and ‘flexible’ within that. And I see how once an effective resolve is established, moving oneself according to it is smooth like water and one is able to be flexible and adaptable without ‘loosing’ oneself, because one’s resolve is the firmness of oneself as one moves. I realize that trying to make decisions without resolve, can have the effect that one is torn apart and torn to pieces by the ‘stream’ of events that one move oneself into, being jerked into various directions, being moved BY the stream instead of moving oneself and as such not being able to stand firmly by the decision one has made. Within this is then also an inflexibility, a struggle to withstand the ‘stream’, the ‘current’ which again can have the consequence of one being torn into pieces or eventually that one let go of the hold of the decision and give up. I realize how resolve is a stance, an application and expression that flows from self and that self embodies that can enable one to move through any ‘current’ (like in the world-system) and remain whole and actually also arrive at one’s destination because one isn’t affected by the obstacles that come one’s way, but instead can find the crevices through which one can push oneself through to continue moving in the direction that one has decided for oneself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, except, limit and lock myself into an identity of being ‘the kind of person that doesn’t have resolve’ or ‘the kind of person that cannot be trusted’, ‘I’m not disciplined’, ‘I’ve never learned discipline’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for being lazy and wimpy when it comes to moving myself in my world and my reality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize and recognize how I do have resolve when it comes to certain points in my life and therefore that ‘not having resolve’ doesn’t define the entirety of who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and to others that “I’m not disciplined” and within and as that justify this as ‘who I am’ and thereby accept it as valid and acceptable that I am not disciplined and consequentially engross myself even further into this identity and self-belief now not even giving myself the chance or opportunity to change who I am in relation to discipline because I’ve simply accepted that ‘this is who I am’ – also thereby justifying not changing myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and define myself as weak and wimpy and even within that insist and continuously tell myself that this is ‘who’ and ‘how’ I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have literally talked myself into a limited self-definition and acceptance because I keep thinking about, speaking about, writing about and reminding myself that I have no discipline or integrity, that I compromise and sabotage myself instead of simply seeing how I’ve lived this way and then go to the solution to the problem rather than compounding myself even further into and as these beliefs and self-acceptances
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to confuse accepting myself a certain way with in self-honesty seeing a pattern that I’ve lived and instead of seeing the pattern and then correcting it, I’ve stopped at the ‘seeing’ part and within that I have accepted that ‘this is who I am’ through not doing anything about it and the more I’ve done that, the ‘worse’ it’s gotten and the more my self-definition and acceptance of myself as confirmed making the self-definition more and more solid
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to bluntly accept that I have no discipline, work ethics. Integrity or self-trust and to explain this to myself by looking at what I’ve lived in the past – instead of realizing that simply because I’ve lived something in the past, doesn’t mean that this is now all of who I am and thereby just sit back and accept my own ‘flawed nature’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m just not a resolved person”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m just not a disciplined person”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I am weak and I have a weak character”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I don’t have integrity and therefore I cannot trust myself”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m a coward without a spine”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m the kind of person that easily gives up on myself”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m the kind of person that has no work-ethics”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and ashamed and embarrassed because of how I see myself as a ‘loser’ because I believe that I have no discipline, spine, integrity, character or stamina
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize or see how there are aspects of my life where I am or have been disciplined, where I have had integrity, where I have had stamina, word ethics (Freudian slip, wrote: ‘worth ethics’) and resolve and therefore that not living these expressions doesn’t define ‘who I am’ – but I see that this is how I’ve define myself in my mind, especially through looking back at my life and my mistakes and then believing that “because I’ve made this mistake so many times before, I’m sure I will make it again”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and despise myself when I look at myself as a coward and as someone without integrity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and to be embarrassed and ashamed for having lived without integrity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that simply because I’ve lived without integrity or discipline or resolve previously does not automatically mean that I can never live integrity or discipline
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with me – that I am what is wrong and thus accept myself as wrong and flawed in the entirety of my being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine the potential for me to live self-trust and self-integrity and resolve through compromising myself, lying to myself, not sticking to my word, being dishonest with myself to the point where I have given up within and as the thought that “I can never change, this is who I am” and thus accepting myself as a person without integrity and therefore without self-trust
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can never change, that this is who I will always be and therefore within that give up before I have even tried
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am being self-honest, truthful and accurate when I say that I cannot trust myself, when I say I have no discipline, when I say I have no integrity, when I say I have no resolve because I’ve convinced myself that “I’m simply being honest” – while not actually doing anything about it except for accepting that “this is who I am”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I AM lazy, undisciplined, no integrity, a coward, wimp and weak instead of seeing, realizing and understanding while these are traits that I have lived within specific personality-patterns and to investigate and deal with them as such and not based on casting any moral judgments on myself
What I mean is that if I see for example that I’ve lived a pattern of laziness, this doesn’t now MAKE ME lazy and then lazy is all I am and can ever be when in fact it is simply another mind-program like all other programs like fear and lust and desire and depression, it’s a specific mental construct that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept as ‘who I am’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel apathetic towards changing myself within and as firmly believing that I am not good enough, that I am not worthy, that I can never change – – which is interesting because as we’ve established previously, a resolve is to firmly be determined towards something, thus indicating that I’m resolved to not change – that not changing is my resolve, that insisting that I am lazy, not have integrity, that I’m weak and wimpy is who I’ve decided to be. Because while I have definitely done things that were lazy, wimpy, weak and without integrity there is no universal rule that states that this is now who and how I will be forever more – no, that’s something I’ve firmly decided for myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how there is a certain convenience and comfortability in me accepting myself as lazy, not having integrity or discipline and within that experience that I’ve now done ‘enough’ in at least admitting it – but without actually taking responsibility for changing myself (which I obviously ‘can’t because I can’t trust myself to do so, or so the belief goes)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have held myself captured and limited and locked into seeing myself, defining myself and accepting myself as a person without integrity, without discipline, without resolve, without stamina and that this insistence and lock in on my part through actively confirming this acceptance for myself is what has kept me living in this way and NOT because “It’s who I am” or “It’s who I’ve become”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my past, my genetics and my upbringing for me having become a person without integrity, stamina, discipline and resolve and within this solidify my mental enslavement even further by abdicating responsibility for my self-creation, making it even more difficult for me to change myself because it is apparently something/someone else outside of me that is responsible for who and what I have become
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in spite of everything I’ve learned about how one can change and correct one’s mind, still believe that I cannot possibly changing – not realizing how this is actually something that I’ve insisted on and manipulated myself to hold onto because it gave me a backdoor to having a seemingly ‘easier’ life without self-change and self-expansion, without taking responsibility for myself because I’ve accepted that it is ‘okay’ if I don’t – because I’m “already broken”, “already flawed” so it’s okay that I don’t push myself, because “It’s pointless anyway”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not challenge myself or push myself to move beyond my self-accepted limitations of how I’ve accepted and defined myself as lazy, lacking integrity, being undisciplined and without stamina
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make decisions’ without standing resolved within and as these decisions and as such not having made a decision at all, because without resolve I have accepted and allowed that the decision could be ‘wavered’ and affected and I have not placed myself in an absolute determination within and as myself
I realize that having resolve means to stand steadfast, firm and determined within a specific decision or course of action and I realize that while I have had resolve within specific areas of my life, in other areas I have not, but I also realize that I have actually stood ‘resolved’ to keep myself locked into a self-definition, personality and acceptance of myself as ‘lacking resolve’, stamina, discipline, integrity, drive and work-ethics. Because as I realized that I had not particularly developed these expressions and applications within my life, I placed myself there in that ‘realization’ that I reacted to, took personally and defined myself according to and as. I accepted it as ‘who I am’. And the more I just stood there without doing anything about it, the ‘worse’ it got, where I could constantly confirm for myself through my actions taken within the ‘resolve’ to remain existing this way that “Yes, this is indeed who I am.” And then I started to also believe that this was now all of me, when in fact as I’ve realized, it is within specific parts of my life that I haven’t stood resolved and as such it doesn’t mean that I am incapable of having resolve or that “I am not resolved” – it simply means that my expression, living and application of resolve isn’t absolute, one and equal in all aspects of my life. I also realize that I have been very actively holding myself locked in this self-accepted and self-created limitation through deliberately participating in thoughts, speaking and writing that “this is how I am” for example through saying the words that “I’ve always had a problem with discipline”. I realize that holding myself locked into this self-definition has been a ‘convenient’ (from the mind’s perspective) way to not move myself to stand absolutely, because I accepted myself as fundamentally flawed, whether blaming it on my being (this is ‘who I am’) or on my upbringing (I was never taught to do this), so I always had an excuse handy to take the backdoor, whether actively and directly or simply through inaction and apathy.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts about ‘who I am’ as lacking discipline, stamina, resolve and work-ethics, I stop myself – I breathe and center myself inside myself and I place within me a resolve, a determination of and as myself to no longer accept or allow myself to define or accept myself in this way – because although I see that I have not fully lived these expressions and applications absolutely in my life, I also see that it is detrimental to hold myself onto these memories, to condition myself to this definition of myself and that the consequence of me doing so is that I remain existing in and as this self-limitation instead of actually moving myself to change.
I realize that I have punished myself for what I have done in the past, based on a conviction that it is ‘self-honest’ of my to face what I have accepted and allowed – instead of realizing that self-honesty is to see who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as AND to walk the self-corrective application of changing myself, so that I can establish self-trust in my own actions, myself and my expression and stand by what I do, what I say and who I am in every moment.
When and as I see that I am holding the past against myself when and as I see that I am participating in thoughts about how I have acted in the past and how I believe I cannot trust myself to change because of it, I stop and I breathe and I center myself here in my being and I move myself to correct and change myself immediately to let go of the past – and as such prove myself wrong through directive application in showing myself that I decide to change or now and that I am not ‘bound’ to the past in any way what so ever.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to speak or write about ‘who I am’ in the context of having lacked discipline, resolve, stamina and integrity and I see that I am doing so from a starting-point of self-definition and not self-honesty and self-responsibility to change myself, I stop and I breathe and I center myself in my being – and I immediately move myself to apply the corrective application to what I am speaking or writing about – so that I don’t simply say: “this is how I’ve always been” and then seal myself within this definition of myself – but that I take it to self-correction in also saying: “and this is how I am going to practically change myself”.
I realize that I have undermined myself and compromised and sabotaged myself by existing without integrity, stamina, work ethics, resolve and self-trust and so I commit myself to develop these expressions and applications within and as myself through practically changing myself in my reality.
I commit myself to stop defining and accepting myself as lazy, wimpy, without integrity, work-ethics, resolve or stamina and I commit myself to self-honestly investigate how I am not living these expressions and applications absolutely and to correct this point by point and so establish integrity, self-trust, stamina and resolve within and as myself.
I realize that there are many points within my life and in my relationship to the mind that I’ve got yet to correct and I realize that that does not make me a failure or a looser and it certainly does not give me the right to give up on myself or to not stand resolved within the decisions I make in my life. I commit myself to – whenever I have made a decsion – and I see that I am wavering, to go back and check my resolve and asses the decision again and if relevant to re-commit myself and place myself in and as a resolve to walk the decision through.
I commit myself to walk a process of establishing resolve, integrity, discipline, stamina and self-trust witihn and as the ’little’ ’menial’ things in my life and from here start expanding myself to slowly but surely enabling myself to place myself in positions of greater responsibility as I develop and establish integrity, stamina, discipline, resolve and self-trust within and as myself.
Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course