How many parents do not feel like bad mothers and fathers, constantly existing in guilt and self-judgment every single day? How many do not believe that everyone else is perfect and well-equipped of being parents? And how many actually are? Welcome to the Dark-Side of The Fairytale of Parenting.
A couple of days ago I was walking home and outside the door to the apartment building was a boy at the age of three standing with his mother. The boy was playing on a rock covered in snow and the mother was standing a little to the side with her hands and face focused on her phone. First I thought about how it was not cool that she was preoccupied on her phone while the child was left to play by himself and I felt sorry for him.
Then it occurred to me that properly a lot if not most parents do actually not enjoy spending time with their children and that there are very few people who are either educated to teach children or who “naturally” simple enjoy it (often also because they enjoy the self-image of themselves as a parent.)
I started looking at how tough it is to be a parent and spending so much time not actually wanting to be with the child, but having to pretend that one is enjoying it, because otherwise one is classified as a “bad parent”. It really takes very little before people are seen as bad parents and ironically it takes a very long time before abuse against children by their parents is being stopped by anyone.
So I was looking at how isolated parents feel and how ashamed they are and how they judge themselves for not actually wanting to be with their children, but they have no where to change this or even share themselves openly. Why? Because most people are able to put up a front of looking like they got everything (and everyone) under control, that they are oh so happy with where they are in their lives, even though underneath it all they sometimes regret even having had children.
The dream of a happy family that started off so promising with a man and a woman that loved each other and a love-child under way in a big fertile stomach, ends abruptly as soon as the parents realize, for real, that this – is for life. And the man is not the man the woman dreamed he would be and even though she knew all along, she pushed her gut-feeling away for the picket-fence dream. And the man realizes that the woman’s body is changing and is not what he dreamed it would be and the woman who before wanted sex all the time, are now devoting all her attention to the child. And the child is screaming louder and more intense than either of them could have ever imagined and the anger and helplessness coming up inside them is so unbearable that they sometimes feel like they are going insane and they secretly wish that they could just get up and leave – some even do. And for the vast majority that is not rich, life is filled with money-problems and bills that seem to pile up like literal mountains of guilt and debt and powerlessness – and it feels like everything is just piles of shit on an otherwise shitty day.
It is the classic story, right? The Dark-Side of the fairy-tale of parenting.
And everyone knows it or have experienced it for themselves as parents or children themselves, this apathy and feeling like you’re trapped in a nightmare of your own creation. And you don’t really understand how you got there, because everything was supposed to be fine, once you got the man, once you got the job, once you got the house, once you got the child.
This is why there is no continuation to “they lived happily ever after…” – because deep down everyone knows that it is a crock of shit, yet everyone also insist on “giving it a shot” anyway, because maybe, just maybe this is the right man, the right job, the right house and the right decision to get a child just now that will make all the pieces of one’s shitty life suddenly fall into perfect place and the birds will forever twitter in joy – NOT.
So – what is this? Because it is not some single man, woman or family who is participating in this – it is literally every single person on earth, (except for the few who for some reason have been designed with a different program to stand as a contrast and a teaser to show everyone else what they’re missing out of.) who is participating in this “ride of a life-time” – of every life-time, where we chase a fantasy reality, perpetuated as real and realistically obtainable by virtually every single movie, magazine, newspaper and recording artist on the planet.
And by keeping up the charade, these fake faces with toothpaste add smiles and perfectly kept homes and bodies, for those who are even able to do that much, by telling each other stories about how much we love our kids and how blessed we are to have had them and how we have never regretted it for a single second, even though we do in silence every day – we keep this bullshit sugar-coated night-mare going.
So – it is time for some honest parenting. It is time for self-honest parents that dare share and expose and face their experiences with being parents. Parents that dare facing the Dark-Side of what it means to be a parent.
How many parents do actually enjoy spending time with their children? How many do not secretly wish that they never had children or feel ashamed that their children is reflecting the absolute worst in themselves? Why are these points never addressed or openly spoken about? At the Desteni Forum they are – and we bring all points back to Self – in Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty – so that we can Stand as Self-Responsible Human Beings and as examples for the generations to come.
The truth is that no-one has ever learned how to actually be parents, because how can we be intimate with our children, when we don’t even know how to be intimate with ourselves? How can we enjoy and express ourselves with our children, when we exist in constant fear, suppression and self-denial trying to get the hell out of any ‘authentic’ experience of vulnerability and openness because that only make us face how we really feel inside. And we believe that if we were to face that, our worlds could collapse and we can’t, we just can’t. So we don’t – and we keep pretending that everything is fine and dandy, just like everyone else. And we keep getting up in the morning and going into the hamster wheel we call “my life-choice” or “my career” or whatever we wish to imagine our life was like, believing that we say it enough, perhaps it will come true one day. It doesn’t.
In the Desteni I Process, we walk-with ourselves and each other to support ourselves to become self-honest and self-responsible parents, to ensure that the shit we’ve been born into and have carried with us from our parents and theirs before them, is not transferred to yet another generation. And as such we put and end to the viscous cycle of the sin of the fathers and prepare the birth of a NEW humanity – a humanity that cares for all life, equal and one.
Self-Honest Parenting in all its Dimensions is the Pinnacle for the Birth of a New Humanity.