In this blog-post I am working with redefining the word ‘beauty’. I am doing this a part of the process of changing my relationship with my physical body. The specific point that I am looking at here is the question of whether beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Redefining the word ‘Beauty’
Current allocation of how I’ve lived/defined the word:
I see that I have definitely given tremendous value to beauty and have even accepted a hierarchy of valuing people (including myself) according to how beautiful they are, where the most beautiful are the most desirable (to have and to be). This is thus a definition of beauty specifically in context to competition between women for example as well as in the general world-system. But then I also see a definition of beauty within myself that is more directed towards the physical, towards objects, colors and nature. Here there isn’t the same element of competition, it has more to do with aestheticism and very subjective preferences where I like to look at certain colors and lines and for example see beauty in buildings whereas others might not.
n. pl. beau·ties
1. The quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses and is associated with such properties as harmony of form or color, excellence of artistry, truthfulness, and originality.
2. One that is beautiful, especially a beautiful woman.
3. A quality or feature that is most effective, gratifying, or telling: The beauty of the venture is that we stand to lose nothing.
4. An outstanding or conspicuous example: “Hammett’s gun went off. The shot was a beauty, just slightly behind the eyes” (Lillian Hellman).
early 14c., “physical attractiveness,” also “goodness, courtesy,” from Anglo-French beute, Old French biauté “beauty, seductiveness, beautiful person” (12c., Modern French beauté), earlier beltet, from Vulgar Latin bellitatem (nominative bellitas) “state of being handsome,” from Latin bellus “pretty, handsome, charming,” in classical Latin used especially of women and children, or ironically or insultingly of men, perhaps from PIE *dw-en-elo-, diminutive of root *deu- “to do, perform, show favor, revere” (see bene-). Famously defined by Stendhal as la promesse de bonheur “the promise of happiness.”
The word beauty has an explicit positive energy connotation as beauty is seen as something good
It is interesting that there within the definition of beauty is a ‘promise of happiness’ because in the definition that has to do with being physically attractive that is basically what we believe isn’t it? For women, being beautiful can be a source of happiness because it can secure them a safe life. For men, women’s beauty can be a source of happiness because of their desire to have sex with a beautiful woman. Nature’s beauty can be a source of happiness when we look at a sunset or a flock of birds. It can be so beautiful to our eyes that it makes us want to weep by the mere sight. We know from psychological research that beauty is subjective to some degree, but also that we for example tend to favor symmetry in body shapes and face structure. And certain body types are typically considered more beautiful than others though these standards vary from culture to culture and from era to era. Something else that is interesting is how arbitrary beauty is. While we perceive certain body forms as having an ‘absolute’ beauty now, such as a slender tall woman with symmetrical figures and blond hair, this woman might have been considered ugly 1000 years ago or in in a different country an ‘overweight’ woman would be considered beautiful as opposed to ugly by today’s Western standards. Within art there are often hefty discussions because people disagree on what is beautiful. I would have thought that beauty specifically relates to ‘what is seen through the eyes’, like ‘the eye of the beholder’ but I realize that sounds can be beautiful too, like beautiful music or the sound of birds chirping. I’ve never heard of beautiful tastes or smells or touches then. So I suppose beauty is limited to sight primarily and sound vaguely. But if beauty is so subjective or arbitrary, how can it be a real word that can be understood equally by all? I am not sure. I do see that beauty within the standards of competition in the world-system is an entirely illusory concept that is used to create conflict between people, give some privileges while making others pariahs in society. It is also a way to ‘justifiably’ divide people into social classes, where beauty can be the value that makes a difference as to whether a person (in particular women) survive or not. I suppose that beauty in a basic sense could be the equivalent of ‘delicious’ when it comes to smell and taste only for seeing and hearing, where it simply refers to the subjective experience of pleasure gained when seeing or hearing something that to self is considered pleasurable.
We cannot speak about beauty in absolute or ’objective’ terms even though that is what we often do, because beauty surely IS in the eye of the beholder and as such it is not a value someone can give to another and then that person’s value or worth changes – because beauty is about what the person seeing or hearing is experiencing. As such it shouldn’t matter to us whether others see us as beautiful or not, because it is about them, not about us. So this is a pretty cool point that at least theoretically can relieve the pressure to be beautiful in the eyes of others. Obviously then beauty is also something that can be shared between several people but that doesn’t make it anymore objective. So the problem with beauty comes in when we start limiting it, boxing it in and defining it within certain standards – because it loses it’s basic definition and becomes something else, something that is used to create conflict and competition, inner as well as outer. Another question is whether the subjective experience of beauty is a valid experience, if it is mental, exclusive and arbitrary. Is a sunset for example always beautiful all the time? Perhaps. But what IS beauty if it is only an individual (or sometimes mutual) experience that doesn’t in fact defined, affect or influence that which we’re looking at? When looking at the equivalent in taste of smell of foods tasting and flowers smelling ‘delicious’ it is a lot more practical. We clearly accept that something can be delicious to us without being delicious to others; we understand that it is a matter of preference. So perhaps that is the same way we should define beauty, not making the word being about something more or less than what it is.
Here’s my redefinition:
‘Beauty’: Beauty is an individual or mutually shared experience of pleasure gained when seeing or hearing something that to self is considered pleasurable.
Yesterday there was an article in the daily mail exposing a now closed Facebook group where mothers were bullying and making fun of other people’s ugly babies. This made me consider how ‘ugliness’ as a dichotomy of ‘beauty’ is considered ‘wrong’. When people fall into the category – one way or another – of being ugly, they are often targeted and blamed as though it is their own fault that they don’t fall under the label of being ‘beautiful’.
It is quite absurd that we don’t consider how our physical bodies are simply genetically different and as such there will be some people born with different kinds and types of body, not to mention the people who in one way or another endure disfigurements later in life. In the end these are simply biological and physiological differences that in no way define the person or who they are.
Consider for example teenagers who have been completely normal looking as children who suddenly develop acne and overnight become pariahs in society or people born with red hair, who has a limp or a cleft lip. They’re completely ‘normal’ in any and all ways except for this one and yet their peers ostracize them as though they’ve done something wrong or are contagious in some way or another. It is astounding how even very small ‘abnormalities’ makes us pariahs of society – or at the very least: in the minds of our fellow men.
So what is it about being ugly that is so horrifying that we feel the need to despise and ostracize one another?
When something or someone in our world ‘sticks out’ it shows us that the world isn’t perfect or pretty or beautiful. And we don’t like to hear or see that. It is the same with homeless people that are shunned as being ‘stinking’ or condemned as ‘parasites’. They pose as threat in the pretty pictures that people would prefer seeing as they go about their daily errands in the cities of the world.
What we don’t want to face is the ugliness that this world as become. So instead we come up with all kinds of excuses and justifications to blame the things and the people in our world that threatens to expose the true face of the world and thus the true face of ourselves.
So if we were to look at this judgment from a different perspective, where it is seen and experienced as a personal offense that people are somehow ‘abnormally’ looking that deserves for them to be ostracized and hidden away, we actually face our own ugliness.
Because, as we have discussed – being born ‘ugly’ or otherwise experiencing a form of disfigurement later in life isn’t something that the person themselves are directly to blame for. So what is it that we’re blaming? Or rather: who is it really that we’re blaming?
Surprisingly enough, it is ourselves. We’re the cancer cells attacking our own bodies. We’ve created this delusion of ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ in this world that we’re desperately trying to make real through all kinds of schemes and ‘nip-tuck’ procedures. And no matter how hard we try or how many times we paint over the veneers of the world, we simply cannot hide the ugliness that exists in the world. Why?
Because our beauty isn’t real. The most beautiful and colorful food often contains the most toxins. The best looking fruits have been genetically modified or sprayed with pesticides and covered in wax to make them shine. The most beautiful women are either photoshopped to oblivion or anorexics living off of diet coke and cigarettes. The ‘bounty beaches’ we see on advertisements for the perfect holidays feature children working as sex slaves. The animals we see on TV as wild are threatened to the brink of extinction. The world is not beautiful and neither are our lives or we.
So next time we come across a so-called ‘ugly’ person we cannot deny the fact that it is our own collective ugliness we’re judging and resisting. It is our own ugliness that we’re blaming that the world isn’t pretty, perfect or beautiful.
There are so many people who live horrible lives, wonderful and expressive people with lots to offer in this world, unique people with unique expressions that never get a chance because they fall under the category of things we would rather deny exists. But the fact is, there is nothing wrong with them. There is something wrong with us as a whole and that is not going to change until each of us to come face to face with this fact and admit that the world is not beautiful and that we cannot simply keep plastering paint over what is already here and pretend all is well in the world when it isn’t.
beautification, beauty, beauty is the most important, Cosmetics, Cult of beauty, Desire to be beautiful, Fashion, inner beauty, not being beautiful, Self-Image, the importance of beauty, wanting to be beautiful, Women
In this post I am continuing expanding on the point of how beauty plays a role in our lives and ironically engages us in an ugly and vicious cycle of polarity, fear, desire and competition. For those of is trapped in the seductive and cynical ‘embrace’ of the beauty-system, we seldom realize how our desire for beauty isn’t simply something that ‘naturally’ exists in us. Since opening up this point for myself, I’ve started seeing how extensive the brainwashing that brainwash surrounds us wherever we go is. And I see how, to subvert these influences and impulses seducing us into the desire for beauty, we must create a platform of stability, common sense and self-integrity within and as ourselves – where we can be ‘in this world but not of this world’ in the sense that we can see the world for what it is without being pulled into it. The ‘world’ that I am talking about here in relation to beauty is of course the media as the magazines, music videos, movies and advertisements that form a tapestry of energetic impulses that encloses us in the ‘cult of beauty’. And from this ‘world’, when we accept it as real and submit ourselves to it, like religious sheep walking in procession to the ritualistic slaughter, we take it upon ourselves to make sure that our brothers and sisters of humanity equally as one accept it as real and within this we ensure that there aren’t any holes from which we can peek through the veil of our collective delusion and into actual reality.
As discussed in the previous blog-posts, beauty isn’t a real value of life – yet we have given it predominant value in our world-system. Just look at the rise of the fashion industry as a ‘serious business’ and ‘art form’ in recent years. Of course there are a lot of other factors involved within the beauty system and how it exist and how it has come to be, like the genetic factor that some people argue for, where beauty is a sign of ‘health’ or the existential factor that we have discussed in previous blogs and that has been covered amply in Heaven’s Journey to Life blogs. But for me personally it is a conundrum that something so irrelevant has taken up so much relevance in my mind and life. What I see is that at the end of the day it is ‘just’ about energy and within that some twisted idea of conquering and ‘preserving’ and in some absurd way ‘celebrating’ life – as though that is what beauty gives us; a glimpse into what Life is in its purest form, when in fact it couldn’t be further from the truth. As Bernard Poolman so often said: “Everything is in reverse.” And as such beauty shows us nothing but the absolute depletion, separation and the gory illusion that we’ve made life into.
In this post I will be prescribing self-corrective statements on the self-forgiveness statements that I wrote in the previous post so that I can move myself out of the illusory veil of beauty and if you are trapped in and by the same lies, you’re welcome to walk with me.
When and as I participate in my daily life and I am exposed to the beauty system through seeing magazine covers, celebrities in newspapers, advertisement images on billboards, other women and men and when I watch movies and TV-series, I commit myself to be self-honest and commonsensical about what I see and to remind myself that what I’m seeing isn’t real and I commit myself to look beyond the veil of illusion that the beauty system is, both within myself and in the world system. As such, I commit myself to lay a foundation of clarity and stability for myself where I can be in the system but not of it, in terms of giving myself a foundation from where I will no longer automatically be influenced and impulsed by the beauty system and so that I can instead make a decision about what I see in clarity, self-honesty and common sense. I therefore commit myself to no longer simply accept and allow myself to blindly and silently follow the beauty system and allow myself to participate in thoughts and energetic experiences in relation to beauty.
So – when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to look at women (or men) on images and pictures presented before me within the context of the beauty-system and I see that I am not looking commonsensically, in clarity and self-honestly at them, but instead accept and allow myself to become influenced and affected by what I see, through first of all believing that it is real – that this beauty is real, obtainable and desirable and secondly to desire that which I believe beauty can give me in terms of power, success and positive energetic experiences and thirdly where I create an inner conflict and lack within and as myself through comparing how I see myself to the images that I see of other women (or men) and judge myself as being less than, worth-less, and inferior to what I see — I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here, reminding myself of what it is that I am seeing.
When and as I look my reflection in the mirror or in a window and I see that I am reacting, negatively judging myself as ugly or positively judging myself as beautiful – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here to the stability of my physical body. I remind myself that the reflection that I am seeing when I react within an energetic experience isn’t a real reflection as who I am as my physical body isn’t negatively or positively charged with a value, because my physical body is simply here as a physical body looking different depending on the circumstances that I am in and the environment that I am in. As such I commit myself to stop accepting the reflection of myself as positive or negative and I commit myself to instead push myself to simply see myself here in and as the physical. I commit myself to let go of the habit of judging myself when I look myself in the mirror, positively or negatively because I realize that I am within that accepting myself as a slave to the beauty system, to an illusion that isn’t real or valuable and I realize that it isn’t worth it. I therefore commit myself to learn how to be in the beauty system but not of it, meaning that I will learn how to participate in the beauty system because it is necessary to be effective in the system to present a certain image, but without allowing and accepting it to influence or define who I am or how I value myself.
I will continue in the next post.
I recommened the following interviews that expand on the idea of beauty:
Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course
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It started with a piece of cheese.
Yesterday as I woke up, I was going to eat breakfast. I ‘asked my body’ what it wanted and the ‘reply’ I got was ‘cheese’. See I ‘love’ cheese, and I always got a stomach ache from eating rich cheeses and dairy products such as ice cream, so it was like a specific point and example of self-abuse and self-interest, where I ate cheese even though it gave me a stomach pain, with the justification that I was allowed to, because it is my body and I decide what I do with it and it is only a little cheese and it tastes so good that I just can’t help myself. This whole thing fast becomes complicated and a whole world in itself – because besides being type A blood type and therefore being predisposed of not processing dairy very well, in addition I was lactose intolerant as a child, supposedly because my mother, who gave birth to me at the age of 42, ‘ran out’ of breast milk when I was an infant. So I did not eat or drink anything containing dairy until I was 12 and she decided to test out if I was still intolerant. Up until then I only had access to dairy when I sneaked my way to it. So I would eat ice cream at a birthday party without my mother knowing it, and two hours later break out with hives all over my body. Or I would steal a big chunk of cheese from the fridge and keep it hidden so I could eat from it when I wanted to. So it is sufficient to say that cheese has a special place in my heart. I am telling this story to share how easy it is to dilute oneself into believing something is an act of innocence – when in fact a lot of manipulation and deception has gone into it. After what happened yesterday, I am pretty sure that it was not by body claiming that it required cheese and that it was a thought that I interpreted as the body speaking, so that I could justify for myself eating cheese. Anyway, I ate the cheese, just a little bit I told myself. With two pieces of dried toast. Afterwards I got a stomach ache, almost as on schedule, maybe because I felt guilty or for making a big deal out of it – What is really interesting is what happened following the ‘cheese incident’ the rest of the day yesterday and today as well. I experienced the most difficult day so far of keeping my diet, not overeat and not eat from desire for taste, memory and so on. I started making excuses and stepped over the boundaries I have set for myself. In return I felt guilty and my body felt very uncomfortable, heavy and aching. Today I have even considered smoking a cigarette. Last time I did that , it did not take me many hours before I did smoke the cigarette and soon after that was back on my 20 + a day. So I haven’t and I noted this for myself as I had the thought. It all started with me allowing myself to eat a piece of cheese and it has obviously very little to do with the cheese itself. It has to do with who I was in that moment. The day before yesterday I experienced a release and I trusted myself, to simply eat, instead of having to restrict myself according to specific rules and so I expected that I would be able to do the same the following day. It was almost like an arrogant moment of believing that I now have full control over my actions. Because I clearly don’t. And it is not because I am not able to Direct myself in the moment – it is because I have been living this for so long, for so many years that I have created myself around it, I have created a relationship to food, to eating, to smoking, to consuming that is not based on nurturing my body, but on satisfying ideas of satisfaction, of taming and obeying fear and desires – of everything else than being Here. And this is not the first time I have experienced this – and I am not the only one who has experienced this. It is a classical fall for addicts. Once you are over the worst Jonesing, which is mostly physical uncomfortability where you have to simply focus on not consuming your drug of choice, it suddenly becomes more easy, like a breathing space, where things are going well. The thing that I have experienced in stopping addictions and cravings, is that after a while, I get used to this ‘new way of living’ – it is suddenly not new anymore. I do not have to push myself to keep the diet or to not smoke. It is simply a matter of not doing it. For many people, this is where they fall in. When I stopped smoking the first time, I started again after 21 days. All it took was one thought, that I diluted myself to believe was innocent. ‘I’ll just have one cigarette’. So this is the point, where I cannot expect anything of myself. It is still a matter of moment to moment Self-Honesty. And this, by catching myself doing this, by slowing down, not judging and actually seeing what it is I am doing – I can flag all of these possible ‘pits’ for myself, so that I do not have to fall on my ass every couple of days, just to pick myself up again. Why was it the cheese that made me break the deal? Because cheese in my book is not just cheese. It is a symbol within my mind of how I treat myself with something that I am deprived from, a speciality , a luxury, where I am independent and do what is Best for me – Only that is how I created it in my delusion as a child, because it is not what is best for me – it is self-abuse and I did it, because I believed I was treated unfair, that there was something wrong with me, that I was punished because I was not allowed to eat what I wanted to. So it has become a symbol, twisted and distorted, no longer with any relation to what it actually consist of and what is Common Sense. This is how we fuck with ourselves. How we walk into, defend and justify situations and experiences, that is not best for us and certainly not what is Best for All.
addictions, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, dependency, depression, diet, drugs, emotions, Equality, fear, food, Future, looks, love, mental problems, Oneness, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, smoking, standing up, Structural Resonance Alignment
So Im now a month into, a little over a month not smoking and on you can call it rehab in terms of eating with my emotions, eating to get high, eating to get energy and basically stimulating myself to get energy and to… well thats what Ive Realized after I started the diet and stopped smoking, because I have constant craving for smoking, eating, speaking, watching, basically anything that can give me the sense of being filled up or filling myself up, anything that is not just me Here keeping occupied, and its interesting because Ive noticed that there are like specific points, where I wanna smoke, it is particularly if I get stressed or if I get scared then I wanna smoke. Which could signify that that is where Ive not been able with stuff myself and have used cigarettes to control my reality and to give me a sense of comfort and safety within my world. So… something I find interesting is that when I first stopped smoking and I went on this eating rehab, detoxification programme, I thought that it was only gonna be a face or a while and then I would be able to go back to my habits, and Ive that thats not so that this is a complete change of, its basically the beginning of a complete change of who I am, which is going to have to Stand. Im not saying that I might not eat differently at some point, but at this point, what I realize is that the way Ive been attached to eating, the way Ive been eating, the way Ive been drinking, the way Ive been stimulating myself, is so completely engrained within me, where Ive diluted myself and been dishonest with myself and made excuses and justifications so I cant possibly go back to just eat what I want to, because its not what I want to. How I taste, what I feel like eating, feeling of hunger, of thirst its not real. Its not based on the body saying: I need nutrition now, I Require fuel to be able to function. So Ive basically fucked up my whole physical system in terms of making it into a mind-fuelling system, which we obviously have in other perspectives as well, but this is like very specific, like I said: eating with my emotions. And even now after a month, I find it extremely difficult and Im surprised how difficult it is. At the same time, Im determined. Im going to, Im going through it, Im walking through it, Im doing it but every day I Realize something about how intense and how attached this system is within me. I dont even know who I am, because how can I know who I am, when I experience a craving for something and it gives me a stomach ache, and its basically not optimal in any way for body, how can I say I know who I am, I mean I know who I am as an addict, I know who… I know what satisfies my addiction. I know what my addiction requires, to be able to sustain itself, because thats the tricky part it is to, for the addiction to sustain itself, its not to actually get rid of the craving. I realized earlier today as I was scratching a mosquito bite, that its basically the same principle the more you scratch, the more it itches.
addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, boyfriends, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, depression, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, independence, integrity, looks, losing weight, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, sex, transformation, weightloss
My change in lifestyle aka ‘The Diet’ ( means a way of Life in Latin) is not only about not smoking and eating differently. It is about changing myself and my body, from having existed in self-abuse and self-negligence to actually begin expressing and appreciating myself. The Abuse that Exists in this world, the Negligence that Exist in this world, the Inconsideration that Exist in this World – is the same Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration that have Existed in me. And as I clearly See and Understand that it is not an Acceptable way of Living, when I look at the World and the outflow of this Acceptance – I have had difficulty in applying it in/for and as myself. And therefore I have also not been able to Support anyone else, let alone Stand up from within it – because I was still Living it. I was still Accepting Self-Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration as a ‘Way of Life’, in the World as in myself. Therefore this Process is not about losing weight, becoming skinny, pretty, attractive or to gain recognition from someone else. Unfortunately I still see the signs of it in me, (as I have judged it, instead of recognizing it for what it is) as I look into the mirror and enjoyed the fact that I have lost weight or when others comment on it. But I also know that if that was the only reason, I would not be able to do it for long – It would be conditioned and I would not be doing it for me, thus it would just be another way of Abusing myself. But these elements are still ‘there’ – the self-abuse that I have existed within and as, is still there. It is not like just because I made the decision to Stand up – that it is automatically going to happen and I can lean back and enjoy the ride. No – This is something, where I have to watch my every step. There are lots of possible blind spots, where I can dilute myself into Self-Abuse again, and as I have found, it is a matter of consistently, stubbornly and gently to push myself every time it happens. Instead of judging myself, when I fail, lie or make mistakes – I can push myself to Correct and Stand. Because I have made the decision. And I am doing this for me. Because I have never ever done anything for myself in my entire life. And yet, as always, it is all in reverse. Everything I have done and participated within, has been from a starting-point of getting others to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me and accept me. That is Self-Interest. That is being diluted and lost in my own bubble of perceived and self-Accepted inferiority – where all I care about is the energy of someone looking at me, smiling, complimenting me. And everything I do is like an addict hungry for a fix, to get that dose of energy. This is also something that I have not completely stopped. But I see it when it happens and most times I go: “damn, I did it again.” – But I have Realized that it requires my dedication and consistency to ‘make it stop’ – just as it required my active participation in ‘making it start’ – Because I am that which is invested in this mess.
This is how we become Living Examples – We Walk, One Step at the Time. But it cannot be done in dishonesty – we will know it. Living means actually changing Everything, not as an idea or a theory or a wish – but an Active, Actual Change. To do this, it has been extremely assisting for me to have a Physical ‘Marker’ as for example shaving, not smoking, eating, drinking, having sex etc. Because it is in those moments that we see who we are – How do we Act? How do we Respond? What makes us React? And then We Change – and next time it happens, we Change again… until there is nothing left and we are Simply Here.
addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, beauty, body, cigarettes, depression, diet, drugs, fat, fear, independence, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, relationship, self, self trust, self-empowerment, sex, skinny, smoking, standing up, transformation, weight, weightloss
I’m here to talk about my experiences with stopping smoking and how I have used smoking as one tool to completely suppress myself and create a system of suppression within me and how I have been dealing with that since I stopped smoking. So I stopped smoking a month ago and it has been quite a horrible experience in terms of all the stuff that has been coming up, together with stopping smoking. Like… singular experiences or like… individual experiences and emotions has been depression, sadness, anger… desperation and then these two major, general categories almost, that I will call: One is Self-Pity in which all this emotion fall under and the other one is… In a way I can call it anxiety or fear, but its more specific than that, because its a specific experience from when I was a child of being not safe, of being unsafe, of being uncomfortable and not being able to pinpoint whats wrong with the world. An experience of being all alone, of not having any connection… even now as I am speaking, the emotion is coming up, so what I’m gonna do is, I’m just gonna put… that’s the only, the only Solution I have found, at all, so far in all my years of working with myself, is to put my feet on the ground, to feel my feet, to feel, not a connection, but just to feel my feet… and to Breathe. So… and its not a matter of having to meditate or stop talking or anything, just like: Okay, now the emotion is coming up, I stop and then I continue. But this overall feeling of not belonging, of something being off, in the world and in my world and… I mean, I’m still in the process of investigating how and to what extend I have suppressed myself and how it has been working, but this feeling, this particular feeling is one that I can see and experience, re-experience, from when I was quite a small child, like 3,4 years old. So okay, so I stopped smoking, while I was in an agreement with Matti and we stopped smoking together and it was like a spontane(ous) decision, but its something that Ive been working with for a while like: Okay, I’m gonna stop smoking at some point because I’m…. I could see that I was very attached and very committed or dependent on smoking. So I stopped and I was surprised how the part of, actually not smoking, was not as difficult as I had imagined, because its just a matter of not smoking, not smoking and especially when you, if you can keep your environment without cigarettes, its fine. I mean, here where I’m living, a lot of people are smoking, most people are smoking, so that was just a matter of… that’s just how it is. What I found surprisingly difficult was like I said, all the emotions that came up and I have, since I stopped smoking, several times gone into a mind-possession, mind-fuck, mind-trip that lasted for several days, where I was basically just crying the whole time, feeling sorry for myself the whole time, beginning to get paranoia and I mean, I cannot say with absolute proof that this is caused by me stopping smoking, but its very definitely linked, to this experience. So initially the point for me was to stop smoking all together, not start again and it was something I was doing within my Agreement and then the Agreement ended and I was like: “Huh, so what now?” – and I decided that I was gonna not start smoking again. Then after 21 days, I had another of these ‘self-pity-parties’ with myself where I was crying and feeling sorry for myself and not being able to do anything… and I talked to Esteni and she said something that was very interesting: that the whole thing, the whole emotional reaction was about not getting attention and not being recognized for having stopped smoking. And in that I very quickly started smoking again, realizing that it had in fact been dependent on other people, again – and basically just justifying for myself: “Oh, I might as well just start smoking again”, and: “it’s been 21 days…”, and “I don’t need to stop” and… but as I was smoking the first few cigarettes, I kept getting a headache and I did see the link: “Okay, it’s peculiar that I’m getting a headache as I’m smoking” – and I was wondering about this whole point of having brought the suppressions up that, that I was now re-installing the suppressions with the cigarettes, basically opening a system up and saying: “I’m not gonna participate anymore” and then – basically ‘giving up’ because of these emotional experiences and being overwhelmed by that, not believing that I’m able to stop it for myself and then start smoking to ‘close’ the whole thing down again . So – as I started smoking again, it was quite amazing to see that everything became calm, everything became smooth – I was in ‘control’ again. I was able to work, I was effective, I was not emotional at all. If I became emotional, I was able to stop it immediately. Still thinking, still thoughts, but not as ‘insane’ or, not as obsessive as it was when I was not smoking. Then at some point I had another headache and… well, I was talking to Bernard about it and he said: “well that’s suppression” – and I realized in that moment that it made complete sense – I mean this whole ‘line’ of events that had happened, wherein I… basically believed that I wasn’t able to ‘cope’ myself and deal with myself… without cigarettes. I’ve been smoking since I was twelve and besides cigarettes, I have within this process found using food, using specifically other people, being in a Relationship, entertainment in the form of television, movies, what else? Thinking obviously – to suppress myself. And I am closing in on myself from the perspective right now, of not being able to do that anymore… and having to and being willing and allowing myself to Face this point and…. Yeah, so after three days of smoking again, where it was wonderful and I just went back, as if nothing had ever happened and I’ve always been smoking and… ‘the good old days’, ha ha – so I stopped again last night and what I found, what I have found to be extremely fascinating is that these experiences that I experienced as I was stopping came back immediately: Depression, sadness, feeling sorry for myself, desperation, anxiety, not belonging, not having connections with anyone, being isolated. So… this is where I am. I’m going to walk through this point and I don’t know what’s on the other side… as I am looking at it now, it’s the point of for the first time being comfortable with just me. Not requiring anyone or anything else to make who I am, to make me safe, to give me stability, to hold onto and actually Allow myself to be that stability be that Support – because I mean how else? How am I going to exist, without being dependent or anything or on other people, if I’m not able to… basically live with myself? And trust that whatever comes up and whatever happens, I trust myself to Direct it and to deal with it and to Face it, be Self-Honest and to not suppress or hide myself.