“Age imprints more wrinkles in the mind than it does on the face.” – Michel de Montaigne
I am continuing here with the process of changing my relationship to my physical body and in this blog-post I will specifically be looking at the increasing reactions I have experienced towards seeing myself developing wrinkles around my eyes. It started two years ago after I went into a dark pit of depression, gained 10 kilos and changed my diet radically to suddenly start eating tons of wheat, dairy and sugar. So I know why I so drastically suddenly started getting wrinkles. It is a manifested consequence of the physical and mental hole that I accepted and allowed myself to dig myself into. And once consequences are manifested to this extent, it’s too late. The wrinkles are engraved into my skin like scar tissue revealing the mental battles that I’ve fought with myself.
Now – since my skin started changing and I started getting wrinkles, I have had so many reactions to it. It has almost been worse than the weight gain and what is ironic is that with knowing that mental preoccupation can actually consequentially lead to a manifestation such as wrinkles, it obviously is completely unnecessary to participate in reactions towards seeing wrinkles on my face – because that is only going to create more wrinkles!
So today I actually read an article where four women who describe the horror of realizing that they were aging, all of them with very similar situations as me of seeing the body deteriorating somehow. And I realized that that this point is one of those ‘milestones’ that is preprogrammed and taken for granted in our lives. I remember when I had my thirtieth birthday I had a similar reaction that shocked me, where I suddenly started feeling old and aging (the wrinkles manifested after that, interestingly enough). There are these milestones in life where it’s like something activates within us because ‘that’s what’s supposed to happen’ like the desire to have children, a sudden midlife crisis or the fear of aging. And these milestones are placed so that we smoothly go where we’re supposed to go in our preprogrammed life-design – as for example into the inner conflict of aging.
Several women of the article had a distinct shock reaction when they realized they were aging and a couple of them would then try and ‘treat’ it with Botox or make-up or a different haircut. But as one of the women said: “…however much I try to halt the ageing process with creams and potions, diet and exercise regimes, it will defy me and happen anyway. It’s happening now. And there’s nothing I can do about it. “
The shock of realizing that one is aging has several dimensions to it, the shock of realizing that one is mortal, that beauty doesn’t last forever but also the shock that comes with realizing that one is no longer ‘in the zone’ in terms of being seen as an attractive woman by random men on the street and the loss of ‘power’, ‘status’ and energy that thereby ensues.
In this post I will however focus specifically on the reactions I have accepted and allowed within myself towards the wrinkles in my face. Because I realize that when I preoccupy myself with such thoughts, fears and worries, let alone the desire to be attractive and young and the subsequent purge of ‘anti-aging’ beauty products, I am diverting my attention from what really matters, I am focusing on something as though it is the most valuable point – like my life depends on whether I have wrinkles or not – when in fact, the only way in which it is relevant is as the manifested consequence of my relationship with my own mind, the extent I have participated in the mind and given the mind dominion over my body and the process of redeeming and correcting that relationship, so that I do not let the body bear the consequence for my discrepancies. Obviously at this stage in my process and in the general process of human evolution, we can’t reverse or stop the process of aging. But we can make sure that we age gracefully in unconditional self-support with the least amount of abuse towards the physical body, so that we can focus the rest of our lives on what really matters: a worthy and dignified life for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and participate in an experience of total shock when I realized that I had suddenly as what appeared as over night – gained a significant amount of wrinkles around my eyes and face
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and participate in an experience of complete mortification, anxiety and petrification when seeing the wrinkles on my face because I have associated wrinkles with something negative in context to ‘aging’, ‘decaying’, ‘withering’ and ‘becoming unattractive’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and define wrinkles as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘embarrassing’ as ‘something that isn’t supposed to be there’ specifically because of the way wrinkles are portrayed in the media as something you want to try to get rid of and distinctly also as something that historically speaking only ‘working class and poor people’ get, thus setting me apart from the elite and aristocracy at a collective subconscious level
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed, mortified, embarrassed and petrified every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a reflective surface, because I haven’t accepted the way that my face has changed and how the signs of deterioration and aging are now visible and thus when I’m not looking in the mirror I deliberately ‘forget about it’ (suppress it) only causing me to relive the experience of shock and dismay every time I look myself in the mirror
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the reflection of my face in the mirror with self-hate, self-judgment, self-disgust and spite because I have judged wrinkles as ‘embarrassing’ and ‘bad’ – seeing myself as virtually having been downgraded as a human being over night because of the emergence of wrinkles on my face
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blatantly accept and participate in a collective mental judgment of wrinkles and aging as something that is to be avoided at all costs, as something that makes one ‘less’ as a human being where – when I see advertisements for anti-aging products or when I read about older women who are ‘good’ because they haven’t aged as much as is standard I completely immerse myself in the information and accept it as real and valid – not seeing or realizing the illusion and delusion that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and define myself according to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and accept my worth and value as a being according to the collective mental judgment of physical appearances where youth equals worth and power and where signs of aging equals ‘losing worth and value’ and thus becoming powerless and insignificant
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, when I defined myself as ‘young’, see older people as ‘pityful’ and ‘embarrasing’ as though the fact that they were aging made them ‘weak’ and ‘less worthy’ not realizing or considering how the process of aging is something that I too would ‘fall victim to’ – thereby automatically accepting myself as weak and less worthy when I started aging
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define aging only within a context of a collective mental delusion and illusion where our hierarchal judgment of physical appearances defines a person’s worth and value – especially when it comes to women – instead of investigating and getting to understand aging from an existential perspective, where aging is something that happens the way it does because of our abdication of ourselves to the mind and the mind literally draining the physical for life source substance leaving us withering and weak and drained and therefore that what is relevant in context to aging is to stop abdicating myself to the mind and within the extent that is possible given my current understanding of and relationship to the physical and the mind, prevent myself from damaging and deteriorating my physical body as best is possible, so that I can contribute to bringing about a change in the world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define aging as something ‘sad’ and ‘tragic’ even when it comes to the life cycle of plants – where I would feel a similar experience of sadness and anxiety when seeing a plant withering and dying
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of taking life for granted where I simply used and abused and extracted life source substance from my own body because of my embedded relationship to the mind and my devotion and abdication of myself to the mind where I existed in such a level of delusion that I believed myself to be ‘immortal’ or ‘invincible’ within and as the mind – never considering or appreciating the fact that who I am as the mind could have not existed were it not for the physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to accept the process of aging at an existential level – and within that try and hide from it and subvert it through ignoring it and suppressing it – instead of embracing the process of aging unconditionally, embracing the fact that ‘this too shall pass’ meaning my physical body but also within that not accept and allow myself to limit and restrict myself to define myself according to age and to get to understand the process of aging at an existential level
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that aging and dying is necessarily ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘tragic’ and that if and as I age and die it is an indication of my weakness and powerlessness as a being and that I wasn’t ‘evolved enough’ to gain power over life in such a way that I wouldn’t have to age or die – when in fact, in the context in which I’m currently existing in my relationship to the mind, I don’t know or understand what death is or what aging is at an existential level
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop such a fear and petrification towards the process of aging that I resist elderly people and automatically go into an experience of disgust, fear and judgment of them because I see them as weak and not in control of their lives – something that I have believed myself to be and desperately fear losing and admitting that I am not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sit myself down and admit to myself in self-honesty that my reactions towards aging comes from me fearing to not be in control of life – thus showing me that I have believed myself to be in control of life at a subconscious level, meaning where I wasn’t even aware that I believed this and that it is only when the physical consequences of my living emerged (like wrinkles) that I started realizing that I wasn’t in control of life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as a the mind-consciousness-system have control over life, not realizing how the fear of not being in control over life is actually the minds, because the mind doesn’t decide when the body dies – the body does – and that is as far as the mind’s power stretches, when the body ends, the mind ends and so I’ve feared aging because I’ve feared losing access to that which gives me life, because I know that when the body ends, I as the mind will end
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason why I’ve reacted so strongly towards the wrinkles on my face, is because they are a proof that I don’t have control over life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to all my problems would be to have control over life so that I could live forever in a youthful bliss – not considering how my relationship to life is currently one of total abuse, annihilation and separation and thus if I had control over life in fact, what would I do? I would abuse it, kill it, destroy it, annihilate it and separate myself from it – which is exactly what I’ve been doing already
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how, on a collective mental level, youth represents ‘power over life’, the delusion of having unrestricted and inconsequential access to life where the mind can frolic around without a care in the world and thus that aging represents the shock the mind experiences when its lack of control over life is exposed and it is confronted with its – mortality – which is actually the fact that I, as the mind, have never been alive in the first place and will never be, because everything I exist as and consist of as the mind is the total annihilation of life. As long as the mind has dominion, life cannot be born
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the context of reacting to my wrinkles, manipulate myself into focusing on the collective mental valuation of physical appearances – which is exactly what lead so many women and men into the arms of profiteers selling ‘potions’ to ensure them ‘ever lasting life’ where we become preoccupied to such an extent that we can spend all our money, time and resources on trying to fight time that we never investigate the underlying reasons for our reactions
When and as I look at the reflection of my face and I see that I am reacting to seeing wrinkles on my face, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here to the stability of my physical body. I commit myself to look at my face and to look at the wrinkles on my face and simply see wrinkles for what they are: a manifested consequence of the physical design of my body and it’s interdependent relationship with the mind that I have abdicated myself to.
I commit myself to embrace the fact that I am aging, because within the current context in which I am situated there is nothing much I can do about the overall process of aging. I cannot prevent myself from dying either. I also commit myself to not buy into the ‘anti-aging’ magic because I realize that I would within that not only be buying into the valuation of age which isn’t valid, but I would also act based on a self-dishonest delusion of believing that it is possible for me to have control over life. I realize that it isn’t possible for me to have control over life. At this stage I don’t even know what life is, because all I have done for my entire life is to use, abuse and annihilate life in and as the physical in favor of the mind. So how can I have control over something I don’t even know what is? How can I have control over anything when I have accepted myself as so completely powerless and passive towards the mind? How can I even have control over my own mind when I don’t even fully understand it?
When I say that I commit myself to embrace aging, I don’t mean that I am now going to start dressing like an old person and simply sit and wait to die. What I mean is that at this stage – as far as my awareness goes – I cannot change the fact that I am aging and dying. And I don’t even know if it is something I should want to prevent at an existential level. All I know is that I don’t agree with or accept the abuse that we are accepting towards the physical and I also understand that it is possible for me to prevent further harm by stopping my participation in the mind and in energetic reactions so that I may be able to focus my life on making a difference, in myself and in the world.
I commit myself to embrace the wrinkles on my face, because I realize that they are now a part of me, like physically manifested energetic scar tissue witnessing my accepted and allowed abuse of myself through/within/as the mind. It is a manifested consequence and that is all it is. The wrinkles does not define me, they do not define my being or my value or my worth. They don’t prevent me from participating effectively in my reality. They don’t prevent me from communicating and interacting with others. They are actually not even impairing me at any level – expect for the cosmetic part where it may have some slight consequences for how people see me in the world system. I accept the fact that I don’t have control over life because I understand why I don’t have control over life and how nothing would really change had I control over life at this stage. Plus, wanting to control life is the same as wanting to enslave it, use it for my own benefit in total inconsideration and self-interest. And that is not something that I accept. So instead of trying to control life, I commit myself to investigate what life is, who I am as the potential of life. I commit myself to walk a process of coming to respecting life, seeing life, recognizing life, and understanding life. But firstly I commit myself to walk through my mind and to stop myself being a hazard and a threat to life through how I currently exist. Because as long as I accept the mind’s premise as my own – survival at all costs – the word Life isn’t even remotely relevant or possible because everything I accept myself as is anything but life.
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