It is January 1st and I am sitting here with an empty, sad feeling. If I recall correctly, it is the same feeling that I’ve had year after year on this exact day, and I wonder if I perhaps am not alone in having this feeling on this exact day; that maybe my experience is about me picking up on a collective emotion that sweeps through the world today. Or maybe the experience is triggered by memories of past January 1sts. I don’t feel connected with the intensity and flow of creativity and inspiration that I’ve felt so much during the past year, and that scares me. I don’t like feeling empty and directionless. In the past I would’ve thrown myself head first into this feeling, addicted to the melancholy of emotional pain. It is something that I’ve started changing in the past year. And as I started this writing, I simultaneously started writing in my notebook about the things I want to change/create in 2019. As soon as I did that, I centered inside myself and came back to the place within myself that’s become more and more familiar; a place where I can envision changes and be ambitious towards what I want to create. It’s play and it’s seriousness at the same time. So rather than remaining in this state of emptiness, I immediately direct myself out of it and focus on creation. I will therefore instead dedicate this post to taking charge and direction over my life by doing a last reflection of the year that’s past and a new commitment for the future.
What I have changed in 2018.
I don’t usually look at what I have changed or how I have improved in the past, and already now I can say that this is a significant change I’ve made in 2018. I’ve become more empowered, I stand by myself more. I’m less ashamed or self-conscious. I allow myself to express more as who I am. The whole point started with me recognizing my inner strength, for the first time in my life. That was the most transformational moment of 2018 for me. I have also started doing yoga in 2018, have been listening more to my body, and quite significantly, I’ve changed my diet 180 degrees. In the beginning of December I stopped watching tv-series and movies and by the end of the month, my husband and I cancelled our streaming subscriptions. Instead we’ve joined Spotify and are considering joining an audio book service. In general, I would say that my quality of life has improved in 2018. I’ve started standing more up for myself and my needs, and I’ve started living more from a place of self-love. I’ve also started working on my relationship with my partner in a much more active way, and of course I started a new job, designing and directing a new course for teaching assistants at a local community college. I now juggle that job with my responsibility as stay-at-home-mom. Thats’ been quite the journey I can tell you.
What I take with me into 2019
In 2019, I want to continue with my diet, and I want to make it more airtight so that I have less and preferably no falls. But I remain embracing of myself if or when I do fall. I want to continue not watching tv-series because I actually find that I do quite nice without them. Maybe I’ll quit them for an entire year and see where it takes me. I also want to continue specifying my relationship with being online, on my phone and on social media. I am committing myself to be more directive and specific with how I use and spend time on social media. I do not want to demonize it or make it at fault for how I use it. And I do see the use for it. Here I also want to spend some time defining what I want my relationship with social media to be. For example, I enjoy sharing myself with the world, and it is cool when people are supported by what I share. That serves a purpose. In general, I have given 2019 the headline FOCUS ON WHAT MATTERS. I want to make sure that I spend my time wisely and directively, that I decide what to do with my time, and don’t spend time doing things and focusing on things that doesn’t matter. Life is so short and we only have this one life, so I want to make the most of it. I want to give it all I got. Focusing on being more authentically me, and especially in my sharing on social media has been liberating and fun. It is also something I take with me and continue to push, including being specific and directive about the people I invite into my life.
What I will change in 2019
One of the most important things that I want to change in 2019, and in light of the headline I’ve given myself, is that I want to focus more on myself. Both in my relationship with my partner and my child, but also in my relationship with myself. In my relationship with my partner, I am committing myself to bring all the parts that are not effective, back to myself, same with my child, and in lue of that I am also committing myself to focus more on breath, writing and forgiveness this year. I also want to focus more on my body. It’s something I started pushing very much last year already, but I want to amp it up a notch this year. In general, I experience this year as an opportunity to level up, and to be more ambitious with the points I’ve already started changing. Oh and something else is that I am committing myself to becoming better at redirecting myself back to stability when I’ve allowed myself to become possessed or emotional. That’s a general point of directing myself more as an authority of myself, having the responsibility to direct myself in an effective way, for myself, my body, my child, my husband, everyone else around me, and ultimately the world as a whole of which I am a part of and an influence towards, for better or worse. Finally, I want to also kick my future plans up a notch and will soon be walking into my first Mastermind meeting with a group of lovely people. I also plan on hosting meetings in the future as well as continue writing on my books.
I plan on kicking ass in 2019… mostly my own, in a good and supportive way.
That’s how I’m laying out my 2019 before me. How is yours looking so far?