What My Inner Trump Hater Shows about Me. DAY 390


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Trump haterDuring the past couple of days I have seen a lot of people expressing some very negative emotions towards Donald Trump (but also towards Hillary Clinton) and I have noticed how there behind the feelings of ‘shock’, ‘anger’ and ‘disgust’, also is a certain satisfaction that we seldom speak about; how it can feel good to hate someone, to feel disdain for them, to despise them.

At the same time, I have been looking at a point within myself of carrying very subtle and hidden blame towards others; something that’s come up both with my partner but also with other people.

So it made me have a look at this pattern within me, my inner ‘Trump hater’ so to speak, who finds a satisfaction in seeking out enemies and victimizing/sanctifying myself in the process. Now, I know that the experience of satisfaction isn’t as obvious, some may not even experience it as such, and it also is not the focus on this blog post. The point is really that we are very quick to point out scapegoats and faults in others before looking at our own.

It is very easy to claim to have sanctified values and something entirely different to actually live out those values, day in and day out, in every moment. How many of us actually do that? It is very easy to look as someone like Trump (or Hillary) and see the devil, but what about our own inner devils? It is so easy to see ourselves as “good-hearted, hardworking Americans” (literally or figuratively speaking since I am not actually an American) that looks even more benevolent in the light of someone like Trump. But what about our own inner Trumps? When do we ever confront these aspects of ourselves or examine them in minute detail down to every single word ever spoken or publicly written? Maybe we should?

Donald Trump isn’t the reason this world is in the condition it is in. We are that reason, each of us individually and collectively as well all make up a part of the world that is here, whether through seemingly innocent gossiping and exclusion of certain members of our community or through over consumption and obsession with buying the ‘right’ things – we’re all in some way contributing to creating the world EXACTLY as it is OR we would not waste our time being angry at Trump for ‘how bad’ he is. If we were truly doing something about the state of the world, we would be out there doing it, far too busy to worry about the apparent power of another individual. We would be out there using our own.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person as a scapegoat and as focal point for which I project everything that’s bad, within me and within the world onto, and so when I put all the focus and attention on them, I look better in my mind’s eye, I can hide behind them and say “see, I’m not so bad” and thereby abdicate responsibility for the evil and nastiness that I contribute with to this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look in a deliberately critical and judgmental way towards people in frontline positions of seemingly power and within that wait for any moment for them to screw up or make a mistake so that they can be taken down and stripped off their power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately suspicious towards someone that I perceive having gotten into a position of power, believing that they must’ve necessarily faked and cheated their way to this position

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize, see and understand that what I am confronted with when I react to a person in a position of power that I am critical towards, is my own relationship with power and being in a position of leadership, where I know that I could do more and be more to be a leader in my field – within myself even – but instead of developing my own leadership skills, I come down hard on someone else in a position of power, to keep the negative focus on them so I can keep a positive focus on me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a hidden and subtle experience of satisfaction within being critical, judgmental, spiteful and even hateful towards a person in a power position, because it makes me feel righteous and it makes me feel like the more I hate and despise that person, the more I remove myself from them and the bad things that I perceive they stand for, and thus I rise up within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretively believe that I should have the power that I see another person has, and that I believe they shouldn’t have and that I would make a much better leader than them because I believe that I see EVERYTHING that’s wrong and everything that’s right in this world and thus I place myself in a position of over-power within my mind, but without actually claiming any real power or doing anything lead to take a leadership position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on being critical and judgmental towards another person in a leadership position rather than looking at who I am as a leader within my own life, towards my own body and mind and myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always conveniently find someone whom I can blame as being the big bad wolf in a situation, and to even seek out ‘signs’ of someone being a big bad wolf in heir words so that I can make them into a big bad wolf in my mind and in conversations with others and thereby get the target off my own back as well as focus my attention of hating them and despising them and so not focus on actually changing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with nitpicking another person’s words and to deliberately and within preconceived judgment ‘look for’ faults and inconsistencies within their words so that I can disempower them within my mind and hold them at fault for what they say, when I in fact hold no such scrutiny towards my own words or what I accept or allow to come out of my mouth

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to focus on another person’s apparent faults and flaws within my mind, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that if I am focusing on another person’s faults and flaws it is an indication that I am looking at them from within a state of ego within me, of sitting on a high horse in my mind, thinking I am better than them when in fact I am merely using them as a scapegoat to not have to focus on myself or my own faults and flaws

I commit myself to stop using other people as scapegoats to not have to focus on myself

I commit myself to stop focusing on other people’s flaws and faults and instead focus on myself and what I can do to change myself, how I can become the best possible leader of myself, my body and my mind, how I can contribute to creating a world that is best for all


Reacting when Others React to Me. DAY 389


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projecting emotionsA couple of days ago I noticed an interesting pattern when I experienced a conflict with another person. In this particular instance the other person was reacting to me and something I said and I noticed how I reacted to them reacting to me. The reaction was one of feeling attacked without cause and resentment towards the person and I noticed how this experience lingered with me for a while within not wanting to speak with them or look at them because I felt betrayed by them.

While this was going on, I was at the same time looking at myself and asking myself what was going on within me and why I was reacting. I had come to take it so much for granted that I hadn’t questioned it or whether or not it was in fact commonsensical. I realized that it makes no sense – there is no practical reason for me to react simply because others react, and it often causes a lot more harm to the situation – it certainly doesn’t help!

It made me look at where else in my life I experience this and I noticed how this is a common experience within me, resenting others for reacting and judging them for reacting, as though reacting in itself is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’.

Because I had now made myself aware of this pattern, the next time I experienced someone reacting to me, I deliberately stopped myself from going into a counter-reaction towards them, and it made it possible for me to support the other person by explaining to them what I was seeing going on and I was able to make a suggestion for how to solve the point, which in turn supported the person to stop their reaction. I was able to explain to them what I saw them reacting to, in how they saw me, and also share where I was coming from within the situation. I’ve experienced that when you react to someone, it helps to understand where they are coming from, and it adds more dimensions to an otherwise one-dimensional point of view, which can support the person to stop their reaction.

Now – if I had counter-reacted when seeing that the other person was reacting (as would be my pattern), I would have perpetuated the moment of reaction, intensified it and most likely it would have caused the other person to react even more.

So here, I am going to follow up on the point of change, to apply self-forgiveness and prescribe a self-corrective statement for myself, so that I can walk this change through, in any moment where I see another is reacting to me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of automatically reacting when I see and perceive that another is reacting to me or something I say or do, from within a starting point of blaming, judging and resenting them for reaction within seeing it as wrong and bad to react

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/judge it as wrong and bad to react when others react to me and I think/see that I haven’t done anything wrong and as such it is unfair/not ok for them to react to me because I believe that they are essentially attacking me without cause as I perceive others reacting to me as an attack – while at the same time I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others in the exact same way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and believe other people reacting to me as an attack, because I can feel their reaction energetically within the shift taking place from before they were reacting, and because I automatically take it personal and feel it as though it is penetrating my body and causing me to experience energetic and physical discomfort, when I in fact know from myself that when a person reacts it is always about themselves and the person they are reacting to, are merely a mirror for their own reaction within/towards themselves and as such they aren’t even reacting TO another person and as such that means that the other person isn’t actually doing anything TO me when they react to me, even though I am picking up on their reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, define and believe it to be ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ when I react and therefore judge myself for reacting, and therefore judge others for reacting too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that reactions are a sign that a person is not in control of themselves and that not being in control of oneself is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, when in fact that is the entire premise of who we have become and so the opposite of not being in control of oneself in this context, is actually equally detrimental because it means that one is merely denying, suppressing and holding reactions back and then that is supposed to be ‘good’ and ‘right’ – when in fact the reactions are still here within us and thus, we are still not really truly in control of ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, define and believe it to be ‘good’ and ‘right’ to deny, suppress and ignore reactions as what I have been taught growing up, as a part of fitting into society and ‘getting along’ with other people, when this is in fact based on a self-dishonest starting-point where one isn’t taking responsibility for one’s reactions whatsoever, which is in fact also what tends to lead one to eventually explode because one cannot control/contain one’s reaction forever and hold it inside oneself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and embrace reactions as a part of who I have become within and as my abdication of and separation from myself to the mind, that is showing me where I am specifically abdicating responsibility for myself by projecting parts of myself outside myself onto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace another when I see that they are reacting to something they are projecting onto me, within and as standing with them, as a mirror of stability and self-honesty, instead of being a mirror of reaction within taking their reaction personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself when and as I see that I am projecting something onto another, that I have created a conflict/separation with/towards within myself, and so stand as a mirror of stability and self-honesty within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that simply because I can feel that another is reacting, it doesn’t mean that this is influencing, changing or harming me in any way, simply that I am picking up on a change in the environment, similar to a change in temperature, only here being an energetic change

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see or perceive that another is reacting to something they are projecting onto me and I see that I am reacting towards them, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that simply because I am feeling/picking up on another being in a reaction, it doesn’t mean that their reaction is affecting, influencing or harming me.

I realize that when another reacts to something they project onto me, it isn’t actually about me and so there is no reason for me to make it personal

I realize that when I react to another reacting, I perpetuate that reaction within them and within me and I sabotage a potential moment of support and change for another and for myself

I commit myself to not take it personal when another is reacting within projecting a reaction within themselves onto me

I commit myself to remain stable and sound within me when I see another is reacting and to embrace them in their reaction within seeing how I can assist and support them to move through their reaction

Redefining STABILITY in Relation to Emotions. DAY 388


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redefining the word stabilityI am here continuing to explore my relationship to the word STABLE that I started opening up in the previous blog post. In the days after the previous blog, I realized that virtually all my ‘issues’ in life comes down to my relationship with emotions, including my relationship to the word STABLE. I realized that I have identified and affiliated myself to such a degree with emotions that I time and time again choose emotions over common sense, dive into them, gorge on them and eventually ‘drown’ in a state of possession, before coming back to the surface and going like “what the hell did I just do?”

It is an addiction yes, but it is also a warped sense of loyalty where my sense of self is so tied to my emotions, it is so much ‘me’ that I almost feel like I am betraying myself if I reject or don’t act on my emotions. Going back in my life, there is a clear thread in all this.

From my mother who is a person with a lot of spunk and expression and who grew up in a strict Christian home and spend her whole life freeing herself and learning to accept herself, to my father who was severely bipolar and fought the system, the doctors and himself because he felt invincible and near divine in those moments of manic ingenuity and wanted to stay like that forever.

In my own life as a small child, I felt like my body was controlled, that adults controlled me all the time, with their rules and their morality. I felt weighed down by senseless expectations to fit in, both within my environment and within my own mind. So the more I look at it, the more I see how my relationship with emotions has to do with a warped sense of ‘self-integrity’, that because emotions are MINE and MINE ALONE – especially when they contradict what is considered normal in society, they set me free.

So ironically, I have existed in a state of total enslavement towards something that is essentially a sort of chemically induced hallucination, or rather a self-manipulated mental hallucination that induces chemical alterations in the body and makes you believe that it is real.

By the way, when I say emotions here, I mean all kinds of emotions from negative experiences like fear and depression to positive experiences like desire and pleasure.

I am saying all of this because when I looked at my relationship to the word STABLE and why it is that I don’t live this word as a consistent expression of who I am, it is exactly due to emotions and the way I let emotions override and suppress the natural stability of the body. In fact, you could say that emotions are the exact opposite of stability because of their total volatility.

So when I looked at how to start living the word STABLE, it really mostly has to do with stopping accepting and allowing myself to be emotional so that my natural expression of stability can step forth and be developed.

My current redefinition of the word STABLE is “Standing and staying able” as mentioned in the previous blog post. I will here look at how to start living the word stable by creating a network of supportive words that serves the purpose of supporting me to be able to live the word STABLE.

To stand and stay able to live in a supportive way that is best for all, I saw in the last post the words FOUNDATION, CONSISTENCY, INTEGRITY, BALANCE, FLEXIBILITY and EQUILIBRIUM.

I specifically had a look at how I am preventing myself from living the word STABLE in my day to day living. As I’ve been looking further into this, I will be updating my list with the following point: I have swapped EQUILIBRIUM for SELF-HONESTY as I see EQUILIBRIUM being more of an end-result, where as self-honesty is a very important key when it comes to living something that IS here, but that one isn’t living, because that can only mean one thing: that one is deceiving oneself in one way or another.


The foundation here is the starting-point of why I am doing this (in this case the process of establishing stability), which is something that I see I need as an anchor to not exactly lose myself in the ‘ocean of emotion’. As something that really speaks to my particular mind and setup, my foundation here is the fact that emotions has done anything but set me free, and to truly be free, I need to be absolutely self-directed and self-created, on an individual as well as on a collective level.

As a practical way of establishing this foundation, I see it would be cool with a daily morning routine where I reconfirm/solidify my commitment to walk this process. It can be a text I place on the wall right when I get up that I then read out loud as I stretch and ground myself in the body, or after applying 5 minutes of directed breathing in awareness.


To stay able, consistency in application is necessary. A tree that has its roots planted in the ground, in a solid foundation must be consistent in how it grows. Consistency has for me been a word I have particularly struggled with, which I also see is related to the point of emotion, since following emotion (for example desires) is what leads me to break my consistency of application. Consistency is therefore something I see I have to apply on a constant basis. It isn’t something I see that I can do exercises to maintain and it is also a word I see I need to work with more to establish a foundation within.


In my friend’s writing about stability, she used integrity within the context of ‘inner grit’ to push herself to remain stable. I also see it as a point of self-respect; being able to trust myself to do as I say. It is also what will determine whether I am consistent or not and as such, whether I will remain standing/staying able.


For a tree to stand able, firmly in the ground, it needs to be in balance. It needs to grow and develop in a balanced way, because otherwise it is likely to tumble due to heavy winds or others forces knocking it down. We had an apple tree recently break a huge branch off its trunk because it had gotten too heavy and we hadn’t sufficiently trimmed the tree in advance. If I as a landscaper am going to tend the tree that is my body/being/mind, I need to support myself to remain balanced. In the context of my emotions, it means that I need to ‘trim’ the aspects of me that are weighing me down and the way to do that is through applying the tools of self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective application.


Exactly as a tree needs balance, it also needs a certain amount of flexibility. A tree stands outside in rain and snow and heavy winds, and it needs to be able to bend itself to the environment, just enough for it not to lose its foundation and grounding within the earth. This means that there is a certain elasticity in the tree. It can’t be stiff and resisting the influences of its environment, but needs both balance and flexibility to remain stable. This is an interesting point, because in relation to emotions, what I see is that I can’t go around making rules and regulations for myself where I judge myself or blame myself. I also see that I have to deal with resistance in this context and learning how to embrace emotions from the perspective of not accepting and allowing them to move me, but at the same time not resisting or suppressing them.


Self-honesty is probably one of the most important ‘support’ words in this context, but also in the context of living words in general. I see it as being relevant both when becoming emotional and reacting and I might deny the fact that I am reacting, or even admit it but want to hold onto it anyways. It is also especially important in the moment where urges come up and I use thoughts to manipulate myself to justify following the urges. An example could be the urge for a food that I know isn’t supportive to my body, and I speak to myself in the thoughts and make it ‘ok’ to do – even though I know it is not. Here I need to be able to call my own bullshit.

Finally, it has been suggested to not try to work with ALL dimensions of a word in all aspects of one’s life but to rather start working with it in relation to a specific aspect. To me at the moment, the most important dimension has to do with emotions, both becoming emotional as well as accepting and allowing myself to be directed by ‘urges’.

I basically need to have an inner ‘support system’ in place for when I enter those moments where I tend to give myself over to the mind and allow the mind to take over my body. The specific situations I see where this is particularly relevant are A) in relation to other people, because that is when I mostly would have emotional reactions and B) in relation to how I move within the mind, where I literally manipulate myself through the mind to become emotional through first of all allowing thinking and secondly allowing myself to believe the thoughts. C) Having an ‘urge’ and using thoughts to manipulate myself to follow the urge. This however is something that I see I need to work more with in writings.

For now, I will work with establishing stability in relation to becoming emotional – something that prevents me from staying/standing able (STABLE).

More to come…

Living the Word STABLE. DAY 387


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STABLEIf there is a word I wouldn’t often use about myself, it is the word STABLE. Ironically however, when I look at certain aspects of myself and my life there are moments of stability, moments where I am stable. I water my plants regularly every week. When I work with children, I immediately assume a deliberate inner stability because I know how much we as adults can influence children, also through that which isn’t spoken or obvious. So it is not to say that my entire being, body and mind don’t know what stability is in any form or fashion.

When I however look at the general pace and process of my life, it has exactly been signified by being unstable, both through the circumstances I was born into and brought up in and through the way my mind has worked, particularly with being emotional and using emotions as a navigation and self-identification system. So when I look at the word stable, I look at it as a word that I am generally inferior to, as something that I am not, but that I look up to, and would like to be.

The word STABLE is part of my Beingness signature recording that I mentioned in my previous blog, and as such, it is a word that is an essential/inherent part of my being that I am thus not fully embracing/expressing/living. I will therefore here explore my relationship to the word stable and how I can implement it into my life as a Living Word.

Dictionary definition.

sta·ble 1
adj. sta·bler, sta·blest
a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.
b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.
c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.
2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.
a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.
b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.
4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.
5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

Etymological origin

stable (n.)
early 13c., “building or enclosure where horses or cows are kept, building for domestic animals,” from Old French stable, estable “a stable, stall” (Modern French étable), also applied to cowsheds and pigsties, from Latin stabulum “a stall, fold, aviary, beehive, lowly cottage, brothel, etc.,” literally “a standing place,” from PIE *ste-dhlo-, suffixed form of root *stā- “to stand” (see stet).

Meaning “collection of horses belonging to one stable” is attested from 1570s; transferred sense of “group of fighters under same management” is from 1897; that of “group of prostitutes working for the same employer” is from 1937.
For what the grete Stiede
Is stole, thanne he taketh hiede,
And makth the stable dore fast.
[John Gower, “Confessio Amantis,” 1390]
stable (adj.)
mid-12c., “trustworthy, reliable;” mid-13c., “constant, steadfast; virtuous;” from Old French stable, estable “constant, steadfast, unchanging,” from Latin stabilis “firm, steadfast, stable, fixed,” figuratively “durable, unwavering,” literally “able to stand,” from PIE *ste-dhli-, from root *stā- “to stand” (see stet). From c. 1300 as “well-founded, well-established, secure” (of governments, etc.). Physical sense of “secure against falling” is recorded from late 14c.; also “of even temperament.” Of nuclear isotopes, from 1904.

direction to printer to disregard correction made to text, 1755, from Latin stet “let it stand,” third person singular present subjunctive of stare “to stand, stand upright, be stiff,” from PIE root *stā- “to stand, set down, make or be firm,” with derivatives meaning “place or thing that is standing” (source also of Sanskrit tisthati “stands;” Avestan histaiti “to stand;” Persian -stan “country,” literally “where one stands;” Greek histemi “put, place, cause to stand; weigh,” stasis “a standing still,” statos “placed,” stater “a weight, coin,” stylos “pillar;” Latin sistere “stand still, stop, make stand, place, produce in court,” status “manner, position, condition, attitude,” stare “to stand,” statio “station, post;” Lithuanian stojus “place myself,” statau “place;” Old Church Slavonic staja “place myself,” stanu “position;” Gothic standan, Old English standan “to stand,” stede “place,” steall “place where cattle are kept;” Old Norse steði “anvil,” stallr “pedestal for idols, altar;” German Stall “a stable;” Old Irish sessam “the act of standing”).

Sounding of the word STABLE

Stabel – in Danish it means “to stack/stack on top of each other)
STA – in Scandinavian STÅ means “Stand/to stand”

Creative writing

If we look at the dictionary definition, the general understanding of STABLE is pretty much the same as the one I have, where the word specifically has to do with a person’s physical or mental health, though mostly with mental health, and as such refers to the mental state that one is in. This then also comes through in terms in for example biology where something stable is something that isn’t compromised/unpredictable/changeable.

The other side of the word, which also comes through in the etymological origin, is the more specific/practical side, of the word STABLE referring to the word STAND. Another interesting observation, is how the word literally refers to a physical stable as a “standing place” but even has connections to the word “stan” that in some languages means “place/land/country” (like AfghaniSTAN). But also “the act of standing” and “place I stand” are interesting in this context.

According to the dictionary’s definition of the word, let’s have a closer look at my relationship to/with the word STABLE

a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.

With the way my mind has developed and how I have developed my mind, I have throughout my life in some situations been easily moved and disturbed. For example through my relationships with other people where I have defined myself based on my perception of their judgment of me. This has caused me to change who I am to fit in for example. Another example is in relation to being emotional, which is probably the biggest source of instability I can think of.

b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.

This I again see relating to emotion where instability comes from accepting and allowing emotions to take over and possess one’s body, mind and being. Interestingly enough I’ve also had an unstable relationships to money and economics

c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.

This point I see relates to one’s ability to stabilize after a moment of instability, where one has tools and resources available on a consistent level that one will initiate if one starts becoming unstable and so maintain or correct oneself to a level of equilibrium. In this case these tools are self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, writing and breathing in awareness.

2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.

This is then the next phase of restoring equilibrium where one has specific ‘maintenance’ tools of prevention to ensure that one doesn’t become unstable again.

a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.

This I see specifically relates to how my instability may cause ripple effects on other people around me and on my environment.

b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.

This one is self-explanatory lol

4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.

5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

So these two are really interesting because they also refers to how mental instability affects the physical body and how stability on a mental level supports us to remain stable physically as well.

A friend of mine later shared her redefinition of the word STABLE which I also found very supportive:

“What I found was the word s-table – so for practical purposes I have placed a picture within that word of a table, the four legs equally balancing the top planted in the earth. So to be stable is like standing as a table, solid and balanced because if you hit it on any sides it can not be moved within it’s shape, it moves as a solid piece yes, but it always remains a table solid on the ground. Next I have placed within this word, the word courage – as core gauge to look within myself and who am I in my core? I like to check where I stand within myself, my core, as this supports with understanding if I am indeed standing stable or in reaction/movement. If I see movement, I support myself with moving into the word courage to support to stand within self honesty and what is best and change in that moment, so it’s like a check in of sorts. I also placed the word integrity within the word stable as well, here I have redefined this word as internal grit = integrity, like in situations where I need to stand stable, who am I in my internal grit – am I willing to grind the point to change, is a cool reference to access the point of ‘who will I be?’ do I react or do I stand (s)table through accessing my core – gauge = courage to live what is best for all, be the example, and do my best.”

I very much like her table analogy and completely understand it and see the value of it, like how the way the table is designed support it to remain standing because it is in equilibrium and also how she incorporates other words into a word – I haven’t played with that yet. Because for instance, I see that it would be cool for me to incorporate consistency into how I live stability.

What mind friend did which is so cool is that she doesn’t just work with the word in a superficial/pretend-like way, where one kind of things that just redefining the word will sort itself out like magic lol (I’ve done that in the past). But where she actually looks at where her ‘mental weaknesses’ are, also in relation to living a word effectively – and where she’ll then need support-words to assist her to actually fully live that word.

It is very cool as well to practically support yourself in moments of instability, for example through applying a specific supportive image or word. I also see that the only source of instability really is to be emotional – because emotions MOVE – whereas it is like thoughts are more one-dimensional/static.

I am realizing that the whole point of instability comes down to my relationship with emotions and how I have allowed emotions to literally envelop me. I have been very loyal to emotions throughout my life, blindly following them wherever they take me, defending them, protecting them, and emphasizing them.

This is what my friend wrote:

“When the emotions are moving in the moment of instability, there is like an imprint now of the words redefined as how I shared with the picture of the table, so I remember the whole point of what I wrote and redefined within this word, it brings up courage and also integrity, etc. as I expand within it, so these words become like networked or web to eventually be something in one moment I can see the whole network and transcend the instability into the new living words. I also practice these in not so intense times like always looking within myself can I live words here, what word can I live, does this word apply, if it’s a new word how can I redefine it and have it be supportive. Like the integrity word, I redefined rather recently, so it’s cool as it becomes more and more and practicing until the words become natural and I indeed live the word.”

I really like my friend’s perspective on courage and inner grit/integrity in relation to living the word STABLE. For myself I see that consistency would also be a cool word to focus on, so not just “how do I stand and keep standing?” but also “what/who do I stand as?”

What I find interesting about this exploration of the word STABLE is that it has so many connections to the word STAND. The most obvious and straightforward definition of the word I see so far is Standing Able, where it refers to how one in a situation remains able to direct oneself and the situation and stands through it, no matter what happens. Another dimension is the point of position of “where one stands”, where being stable is to “stand one’s ground”, stand with/up for oneself, which in the case of the mind means to not accept or allow oneself to be directed, controlled or pushed around by the mind.

So I kind of see two perspectives on STABLE where one has to do with a CURRENT state of being, being stable in the moment, where the other has more to do with a continuous stability, being stable over a longer period of time, as Still Standing Able or Staying Standing Able.

The image that I have, along with my friend’s image of the table, is an image of a tree. A tree stands within a solid foundation in the ground (GROUNDED) and because of that can be moved and swayed in its branches without being compromised. A tree thus isn’t stiff or inflexible, but can move to quite an extent because it has such a solid foundation. For me, I see what is so important here is therefore to focus on creating a solid foundation because that is from where stability comes from.

It is the same as with my friend’s image of the table. The table must be in equilibrium or things you place on it would fall off, as it would be wobbly and insecure. It is built through using specific measurements that ensures its stability.

Living the word STABLE for me right now is thus about STANDING ABLE and STAYING ABLE – like a tree stands and stays able to nurture itself despite of storms and snow falling on its branches, or like a table stands and stays able to carry what is placed on it through its balanced equilibrium. In my case it means standing and staying able to direct myself and my mind, to become the living principle of my being, body and mind, and to through this process, birth myself as life from the physical.

What I specifically see I have to work with to live the word stable are the words FOUNDATION, CONSISTENCY, INTEGRITY, BALANCE, FLEXIBIITY and EQUILIBRIUM.

In my next post, I will apply my friend’s method to create a network of words to support myself to live the word STABLE.

Thank you for reading!

Living the Word “ME”. DAY 386


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Living the word MEA couple of months ago, I got what is known as a “Beingness Signature” recording based on the drawing of my Beingness signature. The drawing is a symbol of my life and existence as a being and with it comes a recording that explains the symbols. It was a highly profound experience to get my drawing and recording and I can warmly recommend it.

In my recording I was given a series of words that represent me, words that are part of my ‘core being’ and that I am either, living or that I have suppressed or denied, and that when I redefine and start living them, will support me to expand myself more to live the essence of who I am as a being.

The word I will be working with in this writing is the word “ME”. When this word came up in my recording I was quite surprised and I did not quite understand how such a word could be significant, when it comes to defining who I am as a being. Looking at it now, I also see how I’ve held a slight negative association with the word “ME”, connecting it with selfishness and narcissism.

Looking at the word in the context of what I have been facing recently, and in my life as a whole however, I do also see a different depth to the word which has to do with recognizing and resonating with the core of myself, in essence, resonantly ‘knowing who I am’ and standing by myself in that recognition.

Interestingly enough, this is at the same time something that I have struggled with greatly in my life too, where I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a definition of ‘me’, of my relationship with myself and my life that is filtered in and through the mind, through myriads of ideas and beliefs about ‘who I am’.

Looking at the particular challenges and limitations that I have created for myself in this process and that continuously causes me to struggle, it specifically and exactly have to do with as who/how/what I have defined as ‘me’.

What I see is that I have made “ME” into a polarity between the “Right ME” and the “Wrong ME”. The right me is the ideal of who and what I believe and think I should/would/could/desire/wish to be and the wrong me is then the failing to achieve that, the falling from the pedestal of ideals in my mind. The ‘wrong’ me is thus a point of morality, of judging myself and creating rules and regulations for how I am supposed to achieve to become the ‘right’ me. (As I side-note I can here mention that I despise being morally policed by other people, probably because I do it so extensively to myself.) The two “ME’S” are thus existing interconnected, one existing only because of the other.

Looking back, I am not even sure if I started with existing as the right or the wrong me or whether I created them in conjunction with one another. I remember being a child and reacting a lot to being corrected by adults, experiencing myself as wrong. I also know that this theme of “wrong or right me” has been a distinct theme in my mother’s life and what her journey has been about has been about embracing ‘wrong me’ and allowing herself to live that without fear or guilt. For me, wrong me is not something I have seen myself as embracing but rather something to get away from, an inner ‘enemy’ aspect if you will.

How I deal with the wrong me and the right me in my daily life has been through a process of polarity where I either ‘go with the flow’ in the sense of just completely giving in to the mind and letting the mind take over, and within that finding solace in the ‘path of least resistance’ from the perspective of giving into my resistance and therefore experiencing life being easier and more comfortable, because I didn’t have to fight or make an effort. The opposite polarity of that have been moments where I put fire under my ass and in a fit of morality went into a state of “getting my shit together”, none of which has been particularly effective or supportive, again splitting myself into two polarity extremes.

It is like I only have two gears; full throttle or zombie mode and neither is getting me where I need to go.

Looking at the solution to this, I see that I need to “tune in, turn on and drop out” of the polarity game and actually embrace and merge these polarities and see how I can develop these weaknesses within me into strengths. How can I for example transform the ‘go with the flow’ tendency I have, from being undirected and random to being self-directed and specific? How can I turn my ‘full throttle’ mode into a supportive expression that doesn’t originate in fear and trying to compensate?

When discussing this with my husband, he said to me that I need to embrace the nothingness of “This is me”, that when I see something in/of myself, I do not attach anything to it, like judgments or emotions. When he said that I saw how I have come to define me as this ‘sticky’ word, and I’ll just stick anything to it, like “I am an emotional person” or “I am just not good enough” or “I don’t have very much will power” OR it can also be positive as in “I am very intelligent” or “I don’t have to do this thing because I am highly advanced.” It is kind of like getting a pimple on your cheek and going “OMG, I AM A PIMPLE” lol, where you basically take one part of your entire body and you define the entirety of you based on that.

Whatever it is, I have come to pin a lot of things onto “ME” and what it is doing is that I am being spun around and around until I have no idea who I am and just go with the flow of my immediate experiences and default strategies which are (conveniently so) coming from the mind, because that’s what I am used to.

The word No-Thingness reminded me of the saying we have around the word “thing” where we’ll say: “Oh don’t go making a thing out of it” or “At least that’s some-thing.” The word “thing” is in this context like me taking myself seriously and personal and taking everything I see about myself on face value as “Alright then, THAT is who I am. Period.” And by doing that I have trapped myself in all kinds of beliefs and limitations and time-loops of emotional suffering, because every time I for example have realized something ‘bad’ about myself, I go into a fit about it and go “this is who I am, this is who I am, this is who I am, oh god.” Instead of doing the opposite, of applying no-thingness and saying: “Right, what is this now? It is a part of me obviously and I created it surely and I’ve lived it, but the buck stops here. There is nothing that says that IT IS WHO I AM, that it is ME. And this goes for patterns I’ve lived my entire life, several lifetimes even.

So that leaves me with the question: If I am not all these ‘things’ that I have stuck onto myself and labeled as ‘ME’, then what am I? I once, during a spiritual session on psychedelic drugs had a profound experience where everything of me that wasn’t real, the personalities, the fears, the fakeness, all of it was stripped and what was left was the essence of me, the pure me, like all that existed in me was just me, only me. I am not sure how else to explain it, like ME is WHO I AM. That is what I can say. “ME” has nothing attached to it. It is everything that I ever have been, everything that I ever will be and nothing.

When I speak the word “ME” to myself, it has a grounding, soothing, intimate resonance, like coming home, embracing and accepting myself, seeing that Here I am and I accept me. Because the thing is that ME incorporate everything of me, everything I’ve ever done and said and by accepting that premise, by accepting that conglomerate, I also accept and embrace all the mistakes that I have done. I say to myself that despite all the shit I’ve done, I am still here. I still see me, I am still with me, I still stand by me, because I acknowledge and actively encourage that I as “ME” exist.

The next question is then: How will I live ME as a word that connects me/grounds me back in the essence of who I am, as ALL of what I am and STOP living me as a ‘sticky’ word to which I attach anything and everything of myself and take so personal?

One thing I can do is to watch out for those moments where I am busy defining myself, whether in writing, in speaking or in thinking for example through using the words “I am…” and especially also in moments where I become stuck and time loop in relation to a certain aspect of me (like the pimple example I shared before) because I now think that “OMG, THIS IS WHO I AM” and even solidify myself further into this particular aspect by accepting and insisting even on identifying myself as this aspect and making it a “thing” inside myself, something emotional and horrible and embarrassing mostly, something that cripples me and prevents me from living my potential and then spend all my time focusing on it being that, instead of focusing on supporting myself to change who I am and use supportive aspects of myself to do that. Another point is to remind myself of ALL that I am, see the totality of me (that I can see), the whole body instead of just the pimple on the chin.

What about/of ME do I have to change to live in a way that is supportive for myself?

I know I have to change my relationship with my body. In my process, this is a major point. And obviously, to not accept or allow myself to “go with the flow” of the mind, but to direct myself in awareness, in every moment. Interestingly enough, when I look at it this way, it becomes very simple.

Reacting to People Who Assume They are Automatically Right. DAY 385


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Superior authorityThere is a person in my world whom I have perceived and reacted to as always thinking that they are right, that their perspective is obviously correct at all times, and that they are going as far as seeing other people’s point of view as ridiculous and stupid, whenever they don’t agree with them. I have been struggling for a long time when having discussions with this person because I perceive – and react to them as being absolutist in assuming that their statements/perspectives are automatically right, no matter their level of expertise or experience with the subject.

So I have been looking at my reactions towards this and asked myself why I react so much to this, because in reality, it is not like I have to care. It is not like something bad happens to me just because someone else makes an absolute statement. The interesting thing however is that it feels that way to me, especially when discussing subjects that are ‘close to my heart’ towards which I may experience myself being more vulnerable and more protective.

An example could be that I say to this person that when I have a child I will co-sleep with my child as I see it as a natural thing to do and then the other person saying something like “Don’t do that. That’s not going to work at all. That’s just some hippie bullshit. I never did that with my children and they are all fine.”

In that moment, I am absolutely clear on my perspective because often times it will be something I have investigated and researched over a lengthy period of time, or I will simply have a different life experience with the point causing me to see things differently from this person.

In looking deeper at the experience that comes up within me when I discuss with this person, it is a feeling of them forcing their ‘reality’ on me, because they are saying (or what I am hearing them say) is “THIS IS THE TRUTH, and whatever perspective you have, it is just dumb and silly and how stupid can you be for ever considering something like that?”

I see where the person is coming from in for example being older than me and therefore coming from a different generation which has affected them in seeing the world a certain way, but I also see myself as having expanded from that into a new world-view while still being aware of the old world view that they hold, but it is entirely impossible for me to share this with them. This is definitely a generational issue and many older people have this issue towards those who are younger, which in fact means that they miss out on a lot by holding onto an idea of knowing more by default.

My current strategy is to get as quickly out of these discussions as possible, because I do not see any practical or constructive point with them and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to engage in, even for five minutes. I can sit and listen passively virtually without reacting, unless I perceive the other person is being demeaning towards people with a different perspective, but I cannot engage without reacting.

So in looking at this, I can see that the reaction stems from childhood and from the experience of being treated poorly and without respect by adults. There would be this general agreement and assumption that, because you are a kid, your perspectives are automatically naïve and unworthy to consider, and obviously in some instances they would be naïve, which shouldn’t really be something to mock or ridicule something over in the first place, but in other instances, I might actually see common sense and the adult might for instance be in a possession of anger, jealousy or in a certain belief-system and STILL they would call me out to be the stupid one whose perspectives didn’t matter.

This I found so horribly unjust and unfair and it frustrated me to a degree where I experienced physical pain because of it and I grew to despise and hate adults and see them as being lying, manipulative and untrustworthy and I stopped asking those (“silly, stupid’) questions and share my perspectives on things, which is a shame.

It is the same experience I have today where I see someone older than me assuming an automatic perception of authority despite sometimes coming from an extremely limited worldview, or even giving themselves the prerogative to make assumptions (that I more experience as commandments) about my life and how I conduct certain things in my life, as though because they automatically know better, they also have a right to interfere with my life decisions.

So as with all reactions, I had to also look at the question: “Where am I doing this in my own life?” Because if I was not reacting I could simply let it slide and assign it to this person being stuck in a self-perception of being an authority, like there is no one that says that I have to be affected by this or allow it to influence me in any way. At best, I could even assist and support the person to see what they are doing and maybe even start transforming their way of communicating with others.

But because I am reacting so strongly, it is showing me that what I am experiencing is not about the other person, but in fact about me. It exists in me. And one side of that is what I mentioned about being reminded about the power dynamics I experienced with adults growing up. The other side is the fact that I equally allow myself to live this ‘self-proclaimed authority figure’ and do so in a way that I suppress it to myself, because I know that it is not actually cool to do, as I have experienced the consequences of it as a child myself.

So how I have seen myself do this is for example towards my partner or in moments of reacting in superiority to other people for whatever reason (like making up reasons of seniority or maturity or whatever) in specific moments, and I have even seen myself go as far as to the point of being ridiculing towards another person, exactly as I have experienced this person being towards me.

It is so interesting to look at it from this other person’s perspective, because obviously it is a dimension of superiority, because the justification of treating another person this way, comes from an idea of being ‘way up there’ beyond them, untouchable, out of their league basically and thus also looking way down on the other person and seeing them as less than, thereby within this fuzzy logic concluding that “my perspectives are automatically ‘right’ or ‘superior’ and their perspectives are automatically ‘wrong’ or ‘inferior’.

When I have experienced myself being in this state, there is this like ‘watertight’ quality to it, from the perspective of it being absolutist in nature, of simply assuming that you are automatically right without even as much as questioning the points.

As such, having discussions with people in this state is in fact completely pointless and it isn’t in fact even a real discussion, because in a discussion one is open to listening and taking the other person’s perspective into consideration.
And as such, I do agree with my strategy of simply not engaging in these discussions and to only do so from the perspective of sharing myself unconditionally and supporting the other to see what they are accepting and allowing.

To get to a point of being able to do that, I will here walk a self-forgiveness process to release myself from the energies of reaction that has come up within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a state of believing that I am automatically and by default ‘more right’ in relation to another person that I then believe to be automatically ‘more wrong’ due to an idea about myself as being more experienced, more knowing or intelligent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is physically impossible to ALWAYS and AUTOMATICALLY be right and that by assuming that this is so, not realize how much I miss out on that I could learn from other people and also how I compromise my relationship with them and compromise them by relating to them as though they are inferior and less than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not for a second question my authority within believing that I am right, because I have created an absolutist belief about who I am in relation to the other person based on comparison, elitism and the polarity of superiority and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself the prerogative to demean and ridicule another person based on the idea, belief and justification within me that I am superior to them and that they are wrong for being inferior and therefore I have a right and even an obligation to ‘educate’ them by teaching them what’s right, without realizing, caring about or considering how I am affecting them.

I forgive myself that I, as a child, accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and frustrated and trapped within experiencing that I was being treated unjustly and unfairly by adults, that I couldn’t do anything about because they didn’t see me, but only saw an idea about me, related to an idea about themselves as being an adult, because there was a part of me that respected, honored and believed in their authority over me and therefore accepted that they were right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respect, honor and believe in others having authority or seniority over me as an automatic default position, which is basically a static idea that has nothing to do with reality and as such, this assumption that some can have automatic authority is flawed which is what I saw as a child but experienced myself unable to do anything about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience that someone who assumes automatic authority over me by for example stating that their opinion about me or my life is automatically correct and that I am stupid for seeing it any other way, is taking something from me, and is threatening me, when in fact, since I am no longer a child and I have legal authority over myself (to a certain extent, but that’s another story), another’s opinion cannot affect or touch me unless I allow it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate authority and responsibility for myself, by accepting the premise that another’s opinion can affect me and dictate to me what I should and shouldn’t do simply because I am used to others having authority over me and since childhood have accepted that it is a reality and fact that others can and will have absolute authority over me, even know I know instinctually that it is not physically possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience bitterness and blame towards the person who exerted authority on me within blaming them for how their behavior makes me feel, when it is in fact a decision I have made on my own, to create and accept that experience as real, instead of realizing that their behavior is habitual, and that they equally as I, have learned to behave this way from adults in their childhood

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to another making an absolute statement within an opinion where I experience that feeling of being trapped and invaded upon, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that no one can exert authority on me in this context and that I don’t have to respond in any way to their opinion

I commit myself to push the point of seeing how I can support another to realize that they cannot make automatic assumptions about being right and to, if I see that I cannot support them, to simply walk away, not respond or just smile and nod as it is pointless to argue with someone who assumes that they are automatically right.

When and as I see that I, in conversations with another am making assumptions that I am automatically right, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that it is physically impossible for me to automatically be right and therefore that I can be missing out on so much by making this assumption, including creating consequences for another by treating them as inferior to me

I commit myself to humble myself and to remind myself of this whenever I experience myself as superior to another

Life’s a Drag? DAY 384


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dragging your feetHave you ever stopped to consider why life sometimes feels like a drag? Where you are literally dragging your feet behind you on a daily basis and it feels like you just don’t want to do anything?

For almost as far as I can remember, I have on and off perceived life and living as something that I was forced to do, as a burden. There has also been times when I did not have this experience, because what I was doing was self-directed and self-created, but those experiences has been far and few between.

And when I for once had the opportunity to ‘opt out’, ‘play hooky’ and ‘check out’ for a longer period than a couple of hours or a day, I grabbed it, for example when being sick. I threw myself into this ‘break from the burden of life’ and spent the next few weeks doing as little as absolutely possible. Mostly I laid on the couch or the bed, sleeping or watching TV. I didn’t however commit so completely to this that it was just a purely positive experience. I felt constant guilt for not moving, for not doing things, for not getting things done, for letting others do the work for me.

After almost two weeks I started getting very frustrated with myself and I had come to this point of feeling like I cannot move myself, even though I know in self-honesty that I can and that I have induced myself into this state of lethargy and listlessness.

So I started asking myself the following question: With who I am, as who I want to be, why have I accepted and allowed myself to go into this state? It doesn’t match with who I want to be, with the things I want to achieve in life, with the example I want to stand as. And as I looked back on my life, I realized that I for many years, and in periods, more or less, have perceived life as an obligation, a little like school, as something that I am forced to do.

This has especially been the case the last couple of years where I have increasingly experienced more apathy and resistance towards going up in the morning, feeling burdened by the pressures of my daily responsibilities. I had more and more gotten sucked into the experience that I was doing everything only because I had to, because someone, something else told me to.

To this story I have to add that I have spent most of my late teen and early adult life trying to free myself from the grips of authority, from others telling me who to be, what to do, and I succeeded to some degree. But what I did not realize was that I was still being governed by something else telling me who to be, namely the mind, and I had nothing to show for my apparent independence from life. I was in no way making a difference in the world, let alone preventing anyone else from having to go through what I have gone through.

I matured and I eventually realized that there is a purpose to things like having a job and getting an education, and that this purpose first and foremost has to do with actually making a difference in this world, and thus making something more of my life.

But somehow, in all of that, I still carried with me this perception of being forced to do the things I did, where it is basically like school where you are told that you are there for you, that you are there for YOUR learning, but where it is evident that you have no choice or say in the matter.

The thing is though: in life, I do. I decide what my life is going to look like. I decide whether I spend my days on this earth watching TV and eating Cheetos or whether I push myself to get up and make a difference. There is nothing and no one forcing me either way. And yes, there are things that I HAVE to do, because that is just how life is. There are certain physical requirements that life demands that we take care of, like taking the dishes or taking out the trash, if we don’t want to life a life of total squalor. And there are certain structural requirements that the world system demands of us, like showing up for work in order to get paid. There are especially many of those requirements that I do not agree with, or that I see can be changed, or that I even see that it isn’t actually required for me to follow. But there are also many where I understand that I do not have a choice, simply because of how things are set up.

So what I realized is that I have to WILL myself to do those things anyways. I have to make myself the starting-point of them, even though I may not WANT to or FEEL like doing them, and even though I don’t necessarily agree with them. I WANT to live in a clean and tidy house because I know from experience that it is nicer to live in. That means that I WILL myself to do the dishes, to vacuum and dust and do all the things required to keep my house clean and tidy. That does not mean that I am in any way forced to do any of those things. I can at any point prioritize that it is NOT important to have a tidy house at the moment, because perhaps it is more important to take a rest or spend time with my partner. It is the same with work. I CAN actually opt out of working, but obviously I would have to be ok with the consequences of not having a paycheck, but that doesn’t mean that it is an impossible choice. Virtually anything is possible, if I only I am WILLING to live with the consequences.

If I want the life I want, a life where my partner and I support each other in taking care of the household, a life where our physical environment thrives and is a nice place to life in, a life where I earn a decent living to support myself and my partner, yes there are certain things I HAVE to do. But I am doing them because I WANT TO, because I understand that that is what is required to create the life I want.

Redefining the Word RESISTANCE. DAY 383


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ResistanceWhat is resistance? Is it La Résistance, a courageous 1940’s French underground civil right’s movement, standing up against the oppressors of liberty? Or is it an electrical term for something that blocks current and flow? Could it also be a psychological term for the mechanisms we activate when we face something uncomfortable? Let’s explore the word RESISTANCE

My current understanding of the word.

Resistance is an interesting word, because in a way I have defined it as a positive word as it, before I knew about it in a mind-context, understood the word in a World War II context where the resistance were the ‘good guys’ who fought against the evil occupation. The resistance were the people who had the courage to free us from the oppressors. Another positive definition of resistance is that of something being ’resistent’, like being ’resistent’ towards infection.

On a conscious level I understand that I tend to resist things that requires effort or that requires me to go beyond my comfort zone, things I fear. But I definitely see that I, within the mind, have made quite an ’allegiance’ with the word resistance as something that I honor and adhere to, and therefore also often struggle to push through.

Dictionary Definition

1. The act or an instance of resisting or the capacity to resist.
2. A force that tends to oppose or retard motion.
3. often Resistance An underground organization engaged in a struggle for national liberation in a country under military or totalitarian occupation.
4. Psychology A process in which the ego opposes the conscious recall of anxiety-producing experiences.
5. Biology
a. The capacity of an organism to defend itself against a disease.
b. The capacity of an organism or a tissue to withstand the effects of a harmful environmental agent.
6. Medicine The inability of a cell, tissue, or organ to respond to a certain hormone, drug, or other biologically active substance in a desired way: insulin resistance
7. Electricity The opposition of a body or substance to current passing through it, resulting in a change of electrical energy into heat or another form of energy.
8. Thermal resistance.

Etymology (origin of the word):

resistance (n.)
mid-14c., from Old French resistance, earlier resistence, from Late Latin resistentia, from present participle stem of Latin resistere “make a stand against, oppose” (see resist). Meaning “organized covert opposition to an occupying or ruling power” [OED] is from 1939. Electromagnetic sense is from 1860. Path of least resistance is from 1825, originally a term in science and engineering.

resist (v.)
late 14c., from Old French resister “hold out against” (14c.), from Latin resistere “to make a stand against, oppose; to stand back; withstand,” from re- “against” (see re-) + sistere “take a stand, stand firm” (see assist). Related: Resisted; resisting.

Sounding of the Word


Creative writing

When looking at the definitions of the word outlined above, there are a couple of things that stand out. First of all, the definition within electrical terms of resistance being something that prevents a current/flow from passing through a body, reminds me of how resistance affects me on a mental level, how it literally blocks flow. And when I looked at the ‘antidote words’ to live as a means to push through resistance it was exactly words like ‘flow’, ‘fluidity’, ‘flexible’ and ‘push’ which again reminds me of water, but where the solution is then to let things flow through the body rather than trying to block them with resistance.

When I read the etymological definition related to ‘resisting forces’ what I thought of was how the word resistance in a way has been hijacked by the mind, that it is a word that is lived in reverse. Because in this context, we as beings within the body ought to resist the mind (as an occupant ruling force).

What is also interesting in this context is that when I experience resistance, it is the mind reacting to itself. Have a look: the experience of resistance is a mental (projected onto the physical) experience TOWARDS other mental experiences such as fear, meaning where we resist doing something because we fear it. The mind does not protect us with resistance against an ‘evil overlord’. It is doing it all to itself! The mistake we make is to believe the image we are shown, where we focus all our attention on the object of our resistance, and the resistance itself being a ‘logical’, ‘supportive’ and ‘positive’ response for example to fear.

Interestingly enough the words ‘resist’ comes from the two words ‘against’ and ‘take a stand/stand firm’ and so in a way, it is like the word in fact means EXACTLY that: to be AGAINST taking a stand, to be AGAINST standing firm. Because what do we do when fear comes up? We listen to the fear, we believe the fear, we want to soothe the fear and we do as fear commands, which most often are to retreat, to NOT speak, to NOT act, to NOT change.

Even the expression “the path of least resistance” has become something obscure and twisted, and it is an expression I can relate very well to, in the sense of avoiding anything that causes friction or requires pushing – and so to in fact, adhere so much to resistance, than you don’t even have to experience resistance because you have long been avoiding anything that could cause you to experience resistance and have so, made life very easy and safe and convenient and complacent for yourself. Here we could even redefine “the path of least resistance” as the complete opposite whereby through pushing through resistance, through not accepting resistance as a premise that one adhere to, one start creating flow and fluidity in one’s life.

Lastly, I looked at the definition of resistance being a ‘force that prevents motion’, because that is certainly accurate in the context of the mind process. When we resist, we halt our process and the more we resist, the more stagnated we become.

For me, I have created a very intimate relationship with the word resistance, in the sense of it being something that I feel is very close to me, where I ‘choose me’, where I am being ‘nice’ to me. If I were to give it an image, it reminds me of a mother saying to her child “Oh you don’t want to go to school today? Ok then stay home, let’s play hooky and stay home and eat pancakes all day.”

So when I resist something I know I should do/that is best for me, it feels very positive and caring, but obviously because I know it really isn’t, it also creates massive conflict, guilt and worry within me, not to mention self-judgment and blame.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive energetic relationship with the word resistance, based on association with the word resistance as something I do where I ‘stand up against oppressors’ and avert danger and so because of this have created a relationship with resistance where I feel protected by it and supported by it and therefore adhere to it without question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of my positive relationship towards resistance because I use resistance to avoid doing things I don’t feel like or want to do or that I fear and that I then feel protects ‘my interests’, not realizing that these are in fact the interests of the mind, to NOT allow movement or change, but to remain in a state of passivity and non-movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop such a relationship with resistance where I almost immediately bend, fold and retreat and so have made resistance a directive principle within me that I automatically allow to guide and direct my decisions and movements during my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself and realize that resistance is not an effective way of dealing with things, because all it does is to postpone the inevitable in many instances and it creates an energetic wall that has to be upheld which requires mental and physical strain that could have been used to rather sort through that which I am resistant towards so that I may actually expand and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with resistance in my mind where I use backchat and self-talk to talk myself into justifying not doing something that I resist, because I know that it is not self-honest or common sense and so therefore I have to deliberately deceive myself to convince myself that not doing it is ok and acceptable

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see something that I need to do/that I know would be supportive for me to do and that I have time for in this moment, I first of all push myself to practice doing it then and there, immediately in the moment, and then when I see the resistance coming up, most often as a feeling and backchat of “but I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t want to do it now”, I stop and I breathe – and I remind myself that I am NOT busy resisting an oppressing authority but am in fact playing mind games in my mind and I instead look in common sense and self-honesty at whether it would be best for me to do this things now. Also, when and as I see that I am starting to speak to myself in the mind, where I start saying things like “oh but I can do that tomorrow, I don’t feel like it right now” I stop and I push myself to not accept the premise of this thought.

I realize that I have associated the word resistance with something positive, as something that protects me from danger and that I owe my allegiance to and that this is the reason why I have refused to let go of my relationship with resistance and because it allowed me to stay in a comfort zone of convenience and complacency.

I realize that resistance in fact is a mind-game that the mind is playing with itself because it resists its own created experiences of fear or discomfort and so the entire validation of resistance of something protective goes completely out the window.

I commit myself to introduce flow and fluidity into my life through pushing through resistance and to remind myself that beyond resistance is flow and fluidity, and so I won’t be in the experience of resistance and pushing forever, like breaking a dam to let the water flow freely for the first time – what a relief.

I commit myself to challenge and change my relationship with resistance in the moment where I see resistance coming up within me, and I commit myself to bring my attention and focus back from focusing on the object of my resistance, which I realize is a smokescreen as it isn’t about this or that, but about resisting something because it makes me uncomfortable, challenges me, scares me or demands an effort from me. And I realize that the more I push through resistance, the less I will resist and the more I will flow.

Redefinition of the word Resistance

A force that prevents movement and flow.

(In the context of the mind, it is how the mind protects itself against itself and thereby creates a loop that prevents movement and change)

Embracing My Shortcomings instead of Sinking into a Hole of Depression. DAY 382


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pit of depressionI have noticed lately that my most recent blogs have been about ‘taboo’ subjects, at least to me; subjects that are hard to write about, that are difficult to admit and difficult to share with others. I share these points here because I see how important it is to share and open up about such subjects, the ‘dark’ or ‘shadow’ sides of our lives and living, which we most often do not talk about or even reflect on in ourselves. I do it to support myself, but also to support others who may be facing the same or similar points in their lives – so that we can all start opening up about these experiences and start working our way through them, to transcend them and empower ourselves through standing up from them.

This is another such point.

I have a pattern in my life that I call a ‘hole’. The hole is a mental space I drop into from time to time, a state of depression. When I drop into this space within my mind, it is usually because I have done something that I am ashamed of or that I know isn’t best for me or others, or when I make mistakes or fall in processes I am walking, and so I go into this space where I starting thinking and feeling like everything is ‘not good’ but primarily that I am not good.

The thoughts and emotions that come up center around me not ‘doing good’ or ‘not being enough’ and as I allow myself to fall further and further into it, I start feeling more and more depressed about my self and I start seeing myself in all areas of my life as ‘not good enough’ and fear starts coming up within me that the whole thing (my life) is going to collapse and fail.

I start becoming ‘numb’ (a state of suppression) within myself, feel lethargic and I experience apathy and I do not want to apply self-forgiveness or work on myself. All I want to do is to be left alone and not have to deal with anything.

In the past, when I went into the ‘hole’ it could get quite bad and there has been times where I am in the ‘hole’ for weeks and a couple of times even months at a time. In the recent years it has not at all been so bad and it is mostly a matter of some hours or at the most a day or two, but what has often happened is that I simply wait it out or I speak with my partner or something ‘positive’ happens that pulls me out of the hole and I forget about it. Very rarely have I written about it, and in those instances, it has mostly been about what my experiences in the hole are centered around, not being good enough for example.

It is however a particular pattern and it is the pattern that I am going to write about here, because I see how the entire ‘circle’ of how this pattern plays out (because it happens in the same sequence each time), is what repeats over time.

So in looking at this pattern, what I see is that I am accessing defense and protection mechanisms as well as taking my own mistakes personal. So when I do something, as a mistake or a fall, I could’ve immediately picked myself up again and see how I can correct myself. I could have not seen it as something ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, but because I do, because I take it persona, I go into self-judgment, and what is so interesting is that, to protect myself from my own self-judgment (which is a form of self-abuse), I access a state of suppression and hiding (the numbness I spoke of earlier) as well as self-victimization and self-pity, which is caused by the polarity of self-judgment. So now I am in a split inside my mind where part of me hates on myself and the other part is trying to defend myself from this hate.

Looking at it from the mind’s perspective (where its single command is to protect its own survival), this is quite an effective cycle, because I am now totally distracted from the original ‘sin’ and am not in any way focused on solutions, or on supporting myself to change, because I am first of all in a state of total suppression and secondly because I am caught in this polarity seesaw of going back and forth between self-judgment and self-victimization. It is perfect in a sense, because one can keep this up for a long time – and the only reason I’ve been able to stop it, is due to the support I’ve been given, having a partner who ‘checks’ me and having worked with stopping self-judgment, so I for the most part do not actually believe or accept myself as ‘not good enough’.

The fact that I do from time to time access this pattern however, indicates that there is still a part of me that accepts me as not good enough, but as I mentioned, it has actually more to do with the fact that I take my mistakes personal and then go into hiding from myself, all ‘perfectly orchestrated’ because it ends up with me NOT going back to the original point and taking responsibility for that.


I forgive myself that I take it personal when I make a mistake, miss a point, fall in a process or do something I know is not best, within immediately holding it against myself and judging myself as being ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘not good enough’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my own imperfection within the context of not always being how I would prefer to be, or act in a way I would prefer to act in, and so, within embracing my shortcomings, support myself to stand up and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect perfection of myself, to expect myself NOT to make mistakes, NOT to miss points, NOT to fall, NOT to do things that I know aren’t best, within having created a delusional ideal of how I believe I am supposed to be, and at times even how I believe that I am, and so when I do not live up to my own expectations of perfection, come down hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and accept as real the belief that I am not allowed, and that it is unacceptable, unforgivable even, for me to make mistakes, miss points, fall in processes I am walking and not always doing what is best from within a starting-point of moral judgment of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ as positive and negative characteristics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two, to separate myself from myself when I make a mistake, miss a point, fall or don’t do what is best, where one part of me goes into self-judgment, self-loathing and self-hate, and the other feels attacked, abused and feels like I need to protect myself from my own judgment by going into suppression, self-victimization and self-pity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how self-judgment is a form of self-abuse where I stand AGAINST myself, in separation of and from myself, causing me to split in two and go into suppression and hiding from my own self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into suppression to not have to face or experience the abuse of my own self-judgment over what I have done and within that go into another layer of self-abuse where I don’t support myself to stop or change, but go into ‘numbness’ which eventually turns into self-destructive behaviors where I throw my self-support out the window and go into a state of “fuck it” towards myself and the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my state of self-suppression and self-destructiveness go into apathy and lethargy where I don’t want to do anything or support myself and within that don’t do anything and simply let things be until I eventually snap out of it or the energy runs out, but where I do nothing to change the original mistake I made or prevent myself from accessing the cycle again, because now everything is apparently ‘ok’ again and I am ‘over it’ and ‘out of the hole’ and so I just forget about it and suppress it all, until it happens again next time

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I make a mistake, miss a point, fall in a process or do something I know isn’t best, and I see myself participating in thoughts of it being ‘wrong’ and that I am supposed to be ‘better’ and ‘perfect’, I stop and I breathe

I realize that me expecting myself to be perfect, to NOT make mistakes, to NOT miss points, to NOT fall or do things that I know isn’t best, is unrealistic and is causing me to take myself personal and think/believe that I am doing something, wrong, unacceptable and unforgivable and in the end causing me to give up on myself and not take responsibility for myself

I commit myself to stop expecting myself to be perfect

When and as I see that I am reacting to the fact that I have made a mistake, missed a point, fallen in a process or done something that I know isn’t best, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that me reacting to something I do, is the starting-point of the cycle of me going into the hole, and I realize that this is a self-sabotage pattern that eventually ends up with me not correcting myself or take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to embrace myself when I do something that isn’t best, a mistake, miss a point or fall in a process and immediately look at how I can support myself to correct myself

Embracing The Evil Within. DAY 381


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embrace the evil withinIn one of my previous posts, I wrote about a phenomenon where we as women become controlling towards men. I am here diving even deeper into this pattern as I have realized that there are more dimensions to the point, and it is in fact multi-dimensional in nature. There are for example aspects of this pattern that are specifically related to male/female dynamics (and here I was reminded of classic 90’s sitcoms centered around a family where the man is ‘lazy’ and ‘relaxed’ and the female is always cleaning and being grumpy), but other aspects of this pattern are in fact more relate to how we in general interact with each other as human beings, how we were brought up ourselves and what we were taught in school.

How this pattern manifests in my day-to-day living is in my interactions with my partner, especially around housework (cleaning, cooking, maintenance etc.) where I will see (through a filter in my mind, which I will come back to) my partner as being ’careless’, ’inconsiderate’ and ’sloppy’ (a more specific definition of what I defined as ‘stupid’ in my previous post).

The situations that emerge can be as simple as my partner not putting the things he have used back where he took them or brushing up against one of my plants when vacuuming; simple mistakes or moments of inconsideration that could virtually be done by any person, myself included.

The experience that comes up within me in these moments is one of immense irritation, frustration and anger; with the primary charge is one of judgment, condemnation and contempt. When discussing this particular character that I access when my partner, I could see how I, not in a conscious but in an emotional way, experienced myself as being way high above my partner, looking down on him as a puny little thing and wanting to squash him under my foot, obviously not in a literal sense – but that is how I would translate the experience within my to a visual image; quite brutal.

So we started diving deeper into this pattern and investigated where this comes from. Because obviously my partner is not what I see him as within this reaction pattern – it comes from within me and thus is about me.

First of all, I saw that the judgment has to do with seeing it as unacceptable to be inconsiderate, careless and sloppy, the first two more so than the last. In fact, when looking at examples where this reaction comes up, I most often have no issue with the action my partner took, like dragging in dirt onto a clean floor for example. I fully understand and appreciate that this is a mistake we can all make, and it is nothing worse than it can’t simply be corrected by sweeping the floor and making sure one takes off one’s shoes before going into the house. So what I have an ‘issue’ with is not even the actions themselves, but what I believe they represent of my partner, and thus who I believe he is as he does these things, which is ‘careless’, ‘inconsiderate’ and ‘sloppy’. As I allowed this character to come through and speak, so that I could investigate it together with my partner, it was clear that it was a character of righteousness and moral judgment. The backchat that comes up are thoughts like “How CAN he be SO inconsiderate!!??” in a very distinct high-pitched, scorn, self-righteous and subtly victimizing female voice.

My partner asked me to go even deeper in the pattern, because he saw that there must be more to it than me simply adhering to a specific set of rules and principles that I react with judgment to, when they aren’t followed.

So we started looking at and questioning whether I behave in the same or similar ways, where and whether I am inconsiderate, careless and sloppy. When my partner asked me about that, an interesting thing happened: the character inside myself shifted from being this ’up on a high horse’ self-righteous one to feeling incredibly ashamed of myself and memories started surfacing of aspects of myself that I had judged as being careless, inconsiderate and sloppy.

See, I have never seen myself as a perfectionist or as someone who is particularly good at cleaning or taking care of a house. It is in fact something quite new to me as it is something I have been practicing and perfecting during the past couple of years. I was a lazy teenager and I virtually refused to help my mother around the house. It wasn’t until a very distinct moment where I observed my older cousin (she was in her early twenties, I was around thirteen) and how helpful she was and how people around her responded to her in a positive way because of it. I made a conclusion in my mind that if I were more helpful around the house, people would like me better. It is a distinct memory, because it was only after this event, that I decided that it might be best if I were more helpful. Until then, I simply didn’t care.

What I have been able to see from all of this is that I judge being inconsiderate, careless and sloppy as something that is distinctly BAD and WRONG and as something that I have been ashamed about within myself. I also see that I have fully believed and accepted that ’bad behavior’ warrants judgment and condemnation, so I judge others exactly as I judge myself.

This is very similar to another belief that is also connected to this point, which is the belief that it is WRONG and BAD to be selfish, egotistical or vain, and so these aspects of ourselves must be suppressed and hidden because it is so shameful to admit that one has acted in self-interest or vanity, that this behavior is not allowed to see the light of day. Interestingly enough, this way of looking at such behavior does in no way foster change as it simply states that ”It is not allowed to be this way” as though that in itself somehow magically would change a person or how they behave.

To change aspects of ourselves we have to embrace them, because only by embracing them (which is also accepting the premise that they are there) can we see them fully and thus understand them for what they are.

Going a layer deeper, what I have come to realize is at the core of this pattern, is a fear that I am evil, but not just a fear of being evil, but a fear of others seeing me as evil, being exposed as evil and being ostracized, judged and condemned for it.

So whenever my partner does something that I, in my mind considers to be inconsiderate or careless, I judge him as doing something evil, and by distancing myself from this behavior through massive judgment, I believe myself to be distancing myself from my own evil.

A particular memory stands out to illustrate how this works:

When I was four years old, I deliberately hit a younger girl on the playground. I clearly remember how I wanted to hit her, simply because I wanted to – it was in a sense ‘pure evil’. When I hit her she started crying and I panicked in fear imagining the teachers coming and yelling at me and THAT I did not want. So I started goofing around with the girl to get her to stop crying.

I did not feel guilty or remorse for hitting the girl. I didn’t care about the fact that I had hurt her. I cared about being exposed and judged as being BAD and that was what I didn’t want.

This is what is so dysfunctional about child/adult relationships. By yelling at children, by shaming them and judging them, we teach them to fear how others react to them – NOT to understand consequence, not to become emphatic and place oneself in the shoes of another. What this means is that we become ‘stuck’, encapsulated in a way in these moments where, we never get to reflect on or embrace these aspects of ourselves that are not BEST, because we learn to hide, suppress, shame and judge them into oblivion – except it isn’t oblivion because we haven’t actually dealt with them, they are still there, only now we act them out in secret, in shame, in hiding, which makes it even more difficult to confront and change.

So what I have done is that I have defined self-interested and potentially consequential behavioral patterns as taboo, not because I actually see them as such in self-honesty, but because I have adopted my environments reactions in a fear of being exposed, ostracized and categorized as evil and thereby experience shame and isolation (like the kid that is placed outside the door in school).

The solution I see is to embrace our ‘evil’ sides, the sides of ourselves that do not care about others, that acts deliberately in self-interest and without care for the well-being of others, the sides of us that are vain and self-absorbed, the sides of us that are deliberately spiteful and nasty towards others, the sides of us that are abusive and malignant and get a feeling of power from pushing others down. All of these are aspects of being human that we have condemned as being ‘unacceptable’ – but we have done it in such a way that we instead of enabling ourselves to take responsibility for these aspects of ourselves and change, we suppress, hide, ignore, distract, deflect, virtually do anything and everything possible to get away from these sides of ourselves, anything but actually embracing them and standing up within and from them.

So – when something is unacceptable, it does not mean that the solution is to condemn it or pretend it isn’t there. This is however not the same as enabling such behavior, in oneself or in another. By admitting/exposing that something is unacceptable due to the starting-point and consequence it creates, we can support ourselves and one another to walk a process of changing that, which is unacceptable within us. We can accept the fact that it is here now and at the same time not accept it to continue into the future.

By not accepting it, we deny, suppress, ignore which ironically has the opposite effect of what we intend: it remains active and functional within us, albeit in the shadows and secrets of our minds, to which we have less access because these suppression mechanisms use veiling and deception to remain hidden.

Evil has been a theme throughout my life. I have often believed myself to be evil, for various reasons, but one of them being that I did not seem to have the same moral compass that others had, and at some point I asked someone why I always saw myself as evil. He said: “because you don’t trust yourself.” I pondered about that for many years and I came to the conclusion that it meant that I wasn’t actually evil and that the problem was simply that I didn’t trust myself to accept that. What I realize now is that what I did not trust was myself with evil. I did not trust myself to be able to direct myself as the evil inside of me, and so I got caught up in hiding the parts of myself I judged as evil, instead of focusing on changing them – which is ultimately what we as adults ought to support children to do.

By embracing my own evil, I embrace all of me, not just the parts that I like or prefer about myself. By embracing my own evil, I no longer have to pretend NOT to be evil, to FIGHT to be good – and this means that I can change these aspects of myself, by no longer seeing them as taboos that I cannot and should not touch or admit exists.

Being inconsiderate and careless are symptomatic effects of who we has become as humanity. Our entire consumerist society is created on this basis. And yet, we constantly try to deny it, fight it, compensate for it and while we do that, it only gets worse and worse. It can be consequential to ourselves, others and the world around us if we are careless and inconsiderate, yes. Our starting-point within being inconsiderate or careless can be self-interested, yes. But condemning these parts of ourselves is not the solution, even when it is done deliberately, within spite or malignancy.

Very few of us have grown up in environments where we have been supported to become whole human beings with effective communication and life skills. Most of what we have learned from the generations that have gone before us has been dysfunctional, destructive and abusive in nature, even in so-called ‘normal’ families. So it is no wonder that we haven’t learned to consider others or to care about others, let alone ourselves. We got quite a process ahead of us to learn how to be supportive and effective human beings, who contribute more worth to this world than we destroy. And in this process we are going to face some nasty truths about each other and ourselves, but based on the evidence I have seen over the past 7 years, we have the tools to change and transform ourselves, even in the most evil parts and aspects – and in fact: we cannot do it, without ALSO facing, embracing and changing these aspects, because they are part of us and who we have become, whether we like it or not.

Yes, I did not care about hurting another human being. Yes, I cheated. Yes I stole and yes I lied. I did not care about you or your family because I cared about was myself, getting ahead in the world, getting applause. Yes, I said something nasty to you, just to see the hurt look in your eyes so I could feel like I was better than you. This was evil. I embrace myself as evil and I am here now, deciding to CARE, deciding to LISTEN, deciding to act in a way that is best for all, deciding to consider the consequences of my actions and expand my considerations until they encompass all of existence. I am here to learn how to care FOR REAL, not because some adult threatens me to, or tells me to apologize, while not caring about whether I mean it. I am walking a process of learning how to live in a way that is not abusive towards anything or anyone, even myself, because I see that this is what is best – this is the best I can do, the best I can become and I do not see how my life can have any worth, value or purpose if I do not walk this process. I am doing it for me yes, for all of us – but I am NOT doing it out of fear of being punished, exposed or isolated by proponents of moral judgments, outside myself or inside my head. I am not hiding my evil or condemning others for the evil in them, because it is the same evil that exists in all of us, and it is a part of us, a destructive, consequential part of us, but still a part of us.

Exactly as we cannot change societies by opting out of them and pretending like they don’t exist, we also cannot change ourselves by condemning parts of ourselves. We have to change them from within and to do that, we need to understand them, how we created them, what beliefs we are stuck within. And to do that, we need to embrace them within ourselves, because by embracing them we wrap ourselves around them with care, consideration and support, we hold them unconditionally inside ourselves and recognize them as parts of ourselves that needs guidance, forgiveness and support to change. Exactly as the adults should have done with us when we were young.

I’ll share a few other posts I have written on this subject, if you would like to dive more into it: