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I am deep in a very personal process, which I am walking predominantly alone. I feel like my entire life and process is coming to a singular hyper-focus, which is so personal and so unique to me, that I wouldn’t know how to share it with anyone. It’s like moving reversely into a birthing canal, immersing myself in more and more internal darkness, getting to the core.

It’s a very strange place for someone like me to be, who otherwise loves nothing more than to share myself with others.

It’s an intense process and I haven’t taken a lot of time to sit down and reflect on it, so I decided to do that now, as I see that I’m not fully grounded in what’s going on.

So – I’m exploring something that’s very mind-based, but nonetheless is something that I feel a deep need to walk through, as a form of catharsis, release and merging of all parts of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

That’s really what all this is about, to embrace all parts of me, and not just the ones that are socially acceptable or that I personally like.

It’s a strange experience to walk with awareness into something that’s mind-based, and I can feel that there are moments where I slip away and I sort of lose myself completely to the energy, and I frankly don’t know if it is possible to participate in something mind-based, and not get caught up in the energy. So that’s what I am exploring.

Meanwhile, I have been postponing writing, self-forgiveness and focusing on my body. Ironically, I’m probably more healthy right now, than what I’ve ever been, so it’s definitely moving in the right direction, but I also feel a lack of grounding, like I am not anchored to the ground, but am in a floaty state, which in itself, is not comfortable, and it causes me to miss moments and compromise points.

So – I’m looking here at moving myself in a grounded, connected way, where I am in contact with my beingness awareness, at the same time as I am exploring this new point. And in all likelihood, this mind-based point is not something that will live on with me, but it’s lessons will be integrated as a part of me, and I’m grateful that I have the courage to walk it.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise things in my physical reality to participate in a mind-based point

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to without question believe and accept that to participate in a mind-based point, I have to give myself over to it, and can no longer direct myself in a grounded way with awareness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that you either participate in the mind, or you direct yourself as awareness, that it is not possible to live WITH the mind THROUGH/AS awareness, and as such, because I’m exploring a mind-based point, I haphazardly gave myself over to it, instead of exploring how its possible to walk this point WITH awareness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I would focus on grounding myself, or slow down and look at this mind-based point in awareness, that I would not want or be able to participate in it anymore, and as such I feared losing it, and instead sabotaged by myself by avoiding grounding myself in awareness IN/AS this point

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my body and relationships in my physical reality, because I was fearing to lose my mind point, and didn’t want to let it go

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mind point only because it is something I’ve suppressed for so long and have denied myself access to, and as such I feel starving for it, and desperate for what would happen if I had to shut it down again, not realizing that the point is not to lose it or to let it go, but to let it fully become a part of me, integrated in me, as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mind point, because I know instinctively that a part of my being is channeled into this mind point, but I don’t know how to transfer it from being fully a mind point to being a being awareness point, and that is thus what I am exploring right now.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created and that I still participate in an automated a deep self-distrust and self-judgment, where I am always suspicious to my own motives, and I always expect myself to do something wrong, thus not realizing, honoring or celebrating the fact that I have come a very long way, and that I do in fact trust myself to walk through this

SELF-COMMITMENT

I commit myself to find a way to explore this mind point, without losing myself in it.

I commit myself to stop compromising points and relationships in my physical reality in order to live with mind-point.

I commit myself to check in with myself throughout the day, and if needed, create a structure for when I get to participate in this mind-point, so that I make sure that I direct it and not me.

I commit myself to create a container in which I can explore this mind point, without losing myself in it, and to walk it with awareness.

I commit myself to trust myself to walk through this.