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Money blocksI am busy developing my own business, and something that keeps tripping me up, like small roadblocks on the road, is the way I feel about money. So I am going to start writing about my relationship with money, so that I can take responsibility for, and release these blocks, and drive myself steadily into the future.

One of the blocks that I see right now, that is preventing me from moving forward, is that I’ve created the following belief:

You cannot be genuine/real/move from the heart while you’re making money. Making money is about scheming people into giving you their hard earned money, undeserved.

How this is hindering me, is that everything I start looking at or shifting my focus of my services into being that of earning money, these scheming thoughts comes up within me, and I cut off my connection with my heart and my realness, which is what my whole service is based on, and which is also what my goal is to ask people to pay me for, essentially.

So, every time I try to turn what I do into a business, I sabotage it for myself, because I believe that a ‘money mindset’ necessitates an outlook on potential ‘clients’ as ‘targets’ that I’m supposed to scheme into giving me their money.

It is all rather absurd, because I frankly see and feel that I have something substantial to give to the world, and I also see that the world ought to support me financially, because what I have to give is highly valuable, and so in essence, I wouldn’t be scheming people, as that would mean selling them something that isn’t worth the money I ask them to pay, which is not what I’m about. But because I have this belief that this is what selling means, I keep tripping myself up going into this state of mind.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that making money is about scheming people, and thus that making money is essentially an abusive and evil act, not realizing or considering that I’ve been making money all my life, in one way or another, only not for myself, but in representation of something/someone else, and my goal, besides supporting myself, has always been to be of service, to take co-responsibility for the reality that I am in, and help people move through whatever they need to move through to be the best they can be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider, realize or accept the fact that as a co-creator of this world, I have the capacity and power to define what money means to me, and the role that I want money to have in my life, and as such, even though money right now is being earned through deceit and abuse in this world, I can change who I am in relation to money, and thus what money is in relation to me, as a directive creative decision.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory from when I was about 9-10 years old, where my mother took me to a shop to buy clothes, and I experienced the shopkeeper as extremely fake and I felt so uncomfortable by the entire situation, that I just wanted to get out of there, this experience cemented within me a deep resentment towards situations where shopkeepers that tries to approach me in a similar way, and a decision that “If this is what making money looks like, I want no part of it.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a positive self-identification narrative as a contrast to me rejecting being a part of making money, where I feel good about myself and proud of myself for “standing up to the man,” when the fact of the matter is that yes, this woman was fake, but she was merely doing her job, which she could’ve done in a non-deceitful way, had she been genuine, and as such the problem doesn’t have to do with earning money itself, but about not wanting to be fake/deceitful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for money, because it feels like I am taking something from them, not realizing that I am giving them something of immense value, which I wouldn’t be able to do for very long without them giving me money, so I can survive, and not realizing that I am already ‘taking’ money from others by earning a salary, so the only difference is that I’ll be doing it directly, and through owning up to my own worth and valued for the world and others to support me directly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in asking others to give me money, because it feels like I’m asking them to place a value on me, not realizing that I am taking money personal, as though it is a personal reflection of me, when it is in fact about delivering a product that supports others, which enables me to support more people and take care of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see money as a finite resource, as though that if I get money, others won’t have money, when, if they are able to pay me for my services, I have to trust that they are able and willing to pay, and to remember that the value I am giving them, will in turn support them to create the life that they are dreaming of

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable taking a payment from another person directly, because it feels dirty, and like I’m not supposed to do this, not realizing how I’m already part of this system by earning a wage. The only difference is that I’ll be working for myself, and as such, I’ve always accepted the exchange of money, because I knew I needed it to survive, while at the same time judging it and pretending like it wasn’t my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable, exposed, embarrassed and ashamed, when I think about saying the price of my service to someone and actually receiving the money from their hand, not realizing that it is actually not my responsibility if they are able to pay, and that all I can do is to deliver a product/service that I can stand by and see as valuable for others to partake in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be so adamant about not wanting any part of a making money culture, that I’ve deliberately created a life for myself where I have the least possible to do with money, where I am effectively sabotaging my own living, and my future, and where I am deliberately only surrounding myself with people who feel the same way, thus creating a collective positive self-identification, that we’re the “good ones,” the little man, who is ‘pure at heart’ and ‘incorruptible’ and who ‘cannot be bought’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear start focusing on earning money, within a business I created for myself, because I fear that my community will ostracize me, will hate me, condemn me, speak ill of me, and cast me out, as I will now effectively belong on the other side of the fence, and so ‘be the man’, and that I will as such lose my place in my community and be alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear expanding myself, in a way that I see would be supportive for me, and that would make me more accessible to make a difference in the world, because I fear my community, and as such, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be part of a community that I fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see that the community/culture I’ve been a part of all my life, is not Best and is not supportive for me to be my best or for this world to be its best, as it is essentially created out of fear and antagonism, and is creating its positive self-image around being against the system, while at the same time, indirectly profiting from it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that money is evil and therefore, by getting involved with them, I will become tainted and I will turn evil, not realizing or considering that money is what I decide it to be, as I have the power to define my reality, and as such, whether I am evil or not, is up to me, and not something I can blame on money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I start focusing on making money, that I am a bad person, because it is bad to want to earn money, and to have money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the belief that money is bad and that its bad to want money and to have money is a cultural programming that I’ve been induced with to make sure I stay in, and fully accept and fight to remain in my strata of a being middle class worker bee, with the specific purpose of making sure that others can earn lots of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that as a co-creator of this world, I am able to define what money is and isn’t, and to not see, realize or understand that by seeing money as bad and as something to be avoided, by judging it and separating myself from it, I’ve abdicated responsibility for a part of my creation, and I’ve accepted and allowed it to be used for purposes of ill intent, instead of realizing that money is a part of me, as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I would define as greed that comes up within me, when I think about setting myself free to pursue money, where its like I become bloodthirsty and more wants more, and I fear losing myself to that part of myself, that I fear will start slipping and start justifying things that aren’t ok, for the purpose of making more and more money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that a program or instinct for greed exists within me, and to embrace it and be curious towards it and open myself up to understand it, rather than to shy away from it, and reject it through separating myself from it in fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed greed to exist within me, as a program that gets triggered as soon as I start focusing on money, not realizing that the greed I experience as a symbol of wanting to reach out and grab and take more and more to make myself/what’s mine bigger, is actually founded in a deep fear of lack, which is the exact opposite experience, of being full of holes like a sieve, and not trusting myself/the world to care of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to see that greed is ultimately a panic response where we believe that we will be safe if we gain enough worldly assets, but where we’re ultimately coming from a starting-point of feeling unsafe and uncared for, and through that, not connected to the world in a caring way, and as such we become so locked in survival that its all we can focus on.

Self-Correction

I realize that to reverse greed is to see my place in the world clearly, as a co-creator, and as part of the whole in oneness and equality, to work on my own lack-traumas so that I don’t reach out to try to fill my ‘holes’ externally, but instead make sure that I fulfill myself from the inside.

I realize that when greed is triggered within me, it is a trauma response, and as such I know that lack is triggered and still exists within me and thus something I can immediately direct and “fill my hole with me” so to speak.

I realize that money isn’t evil, and that I’ve been trained to think that because it ensured that others could make money, and that I would never enter the world and make a difference in a bigger way through being able to reach more people, and through focusing on that which I’m good at.

I realize that money is a part of me, and therefore something I can direct as an extension of me and how I support myself in this world.

I realize that it is OK for me to take payment for my services because I am doing it to support myself and to support more people.

[Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash]