I had quite a profound moment of realization yesterday morning, after having had a chat with my DIP buddy the day prior. I’m also very inspired by my friend Kim who’s walking a very similar process at the moment.
The realization had to do with the fact that I can set myself free to be exactly as I am, that I no longer have to try to chase other people’s standards, and that the reason why I’m constantly failing at that, is because I’m not doing it as a natural expression of me.
See, some people are super tidy and organized and efficient in terms of getting things done. I am not like that. (And here I’m not talking about who I am at the depth of my beingness, because I know it’s something I have the potential to change).
I move more in increments, I often do things in spurts of efficiency, and then I have time in between where I’m either needing to rest, or focused on other things.
For the longest time, I’ve been blaming myself for the physical ailments of my body, of my overweight, of me feeling physically exhausted and unable to do things. And then I realized that, “hey, my body has ALWAYS been sensitive like this”, ever since I was born, or very young at least, so definitely before I was capable of getting myself into trouble.
But that’s the thing, I’ve been seeing myself as trouble for many years. And that self-judgment, has carried through into everything that I am not good at, and even into things that I would simply naturally do differently from others.
I’ve discovered that I function best from a starting-point of self-love and self-value, NOT from a starting-point of doing things because I believe I should. The more I love myself and care for myself, the better I take care of my environment, which is pretty obvious once you really start looking at it. But I’ve been trying to get myself to be more efficient through self-hate, self-loathing and self-judgment.
I also function best in groups, so for example when it comes to yard work, I’ve experienced being part of the Desteni group in South Africa, where we would, every day, go out for about 1 ½ hours and work the ground. In such situations, I become highly motivated, and can even motivate others, because it moves me on a very deep level to do things together. But when I am to approach such a project alone, I simply don’t do it. It’s the same with exercise. I love being in groups, but struggle to do it alone.
And then, with all of these points, because I’ve seen myself as ‘trouble’ or as a ‘bad seed’, I’ve automatically dismissed the way that things work well for me, and have pushed and pressured myself to behave how I believe you’re supposed to behave, with the result of me ending up doing nothing at all, and hating myself even more.
We have these perceptions about how the world, and we as people are supposed to work. And just like there are standards for what a beautiful body looks like, there are also standards for what characteristics that are valued in a person, and these are then impulsed to us from all directions, from movies, books, pictures and from the people around us, trying to live up to the exact same standard.
So I never knew or thought that I was allowed to be different. I believed that being efficient in this particular way was the only way to be. But the thing is, is that there are millions of different expressions and ways of being. Some beings are super slow in their expression, which causes them trouble because they live in a world that is RUN on being fast. I’ve met people who are almost like liquid in nature, you know, the really dreamy kind, who feel like they’re kind of in their own world. They also often get into trouble because they don’t fit in. Or men or boys who are super vulnerable and soft in their expression. Boy, do they get into trouble.
And in my case, I have my own rhythm, just like everyone else. This rhythm is the way that I function and operate on a natural level, its how I am, whether I’d like to be or not. Now, this doesn’t mean that these aren’t things that can’t be changed. I’m certainly not willing to live with the limitation that I’m just not someone who is very good at cleaning deeply for instance. And these things don’t necessarily have to be things that are manifested at a beingness level. I for one, see a lot of my late father in myself, in regards to these points.
But the point is, is that I can’t change myself, unless it is myself I’m changing. Meaning that, if I’m sitting here, judging myself as not being good enough, while trying to force myself to be in a way that’s totally unnatural to me, it’s not going to work. I know, you know. We’ve all tried this for years.
To actually change, I first have to get to know and understand myself. And I can’t do that, if I’m busy hating myself and pushing myself away. I actually have to embrace myself, and my quirks and fuckups, unconditionally, and say: “yes, this is who I am and I accept me.”
Only from that starting-point can I then say: “this is who I am right now, but I see it has its limitations, and it’s not who I am going to accept myself to be forever, so therefore I’m going to change.” See the difference?
And once you start deprogramming yourself, to literally pull your head out of the matrix (the world system integrated into your mind), so that you aren’t defined by its premises, you can actually start to see another layer of reality, in which things function on a completely different level. Like for instance, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter if I am overweight. I can do everything I came here to do, while being overweight. Overweight is only important in the context of how we in the matrix value body image. That doesn’t mean it can’t be supportive for the body to lose weight, but it’s certainly not something I’m going to bend over backwards, and harm myself, to do.
I actually get to be my own quirky self, and move myself based on the things that make sense to me, and be efficient in a way that works for me, and interestingly, the more that I apply this approach, the more efficient I actually become. That is because I’m for the first time in my life, in actual alignment with myself. I’m moving from a place of self-love, and what is best for all, and that is the most healthy place to be.