Throughout my life, I’ve been what I would describe as a ‘high strung’ individual. I get angry easily, I get sad easily, and I also get easily excited and passionate. A couple of things have been happening in my life lately, that has shown me that I really need to learn how to be LESS high strung, and MORE chill and relaxed. I wish I could just flick my fingers and it would happen, because I know all the rational reasoning behind WHY I would need this, but as it goes with human nature, it’s been molded and folded into a certain shape, and it takes time, and a process to unbend from that.
When I went to the dentist for an operation the other day, I had to get an excessive amount of anesthesia. The dentist explained that it is primarily people with red hair OR people who are stressed who doesn’t respond well to the medicine. I don’t have red hair, and I know that I live in a state of constant urgency-emergency (as explained in a QCK session by my friend Kim.)
When I have my sudden fits, whether from excitement or from anger or frustration, people around me react and jump. Especially my daughter can get worried. And it is also very much for her that I want to change this point. I want to be more stable for her, less volatile and unpredictable.
I’ve always had trouble relaxing, whether it was when I’m about to sleep or when getting a massage or something else ‘relaxing’. So I struggle with unwinding, and when I was young, I used weed to medicate myself, and otherwise its been through suppression and other addictions, which only makes the problem worse, because I don’t truly relax, but merely bottle it up.
I also see that this is not all a bad thing, or that it means that I should now suppress my expression of liveliness. Because I am expressive as a person, and that’s ok. So it is the high strung aspect that I’d like to change.
As I see it right now, there’s no magical formula for me to learn to relax. As I see it, it is very much about ‘muscle memory’ and repetition, and about becoming aware of the state I am in, in the body. Yoga helps, breathing helps, anything physical helps, and writing helps.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for and to be ashamed of being high strung
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a bad person and as a bad mother ( a bad influence) because I am high strung, and easily get emotional and upset
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take being high strung personal, to define myself as BEING high strung, instead of realizing that it is a certain frequency setting of the mind that is aligned to the expressiveness of my beingness and set to “INTENSE” – for good and for bad.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about becoming so easily emotional and high strung
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see how, it is specifically in periods where I’ve been neglecting my self-care and using the tools of self-forgiveness and breathing that I become emotionally unstable, and that I am actually capable of being stable and grounded
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want something/someone outside myself to change me and to change this problem for me, because I feel defeated and disempowered towards it inside myself, feeling like it’s too intense and too demanding for me to change, not considering how it is a different way of being that I have to practice, which requires a consistent commitment to change, and not something I can do with the flick of a finger
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not reach inside myself and use my natural, grounded intensity to work on changing from being high strung to being more stable and chilled, and that I’ve instead allowed myself to live in apathy and suppression inside myself, going with the dysfunctional ‘flow’ of my mind.
I see, realize and understand that when I am high strung, it has a destructive and negative effect on those around me and on myself, and that I cannot do what I came here to do, when I am in an unstable state.
I also realize that this high strung state isn’t who I really and truly am as a being, that the intensity is a reflection of my beingness expression yes, but that the way I am living it, is not healthy or supportive, and that it is something I can change, one step at a time.
And so, I commit myself to not fall back into automation, apathy and suppression, and to instead push myself to develop a supportive routine, where I get up early in the morning and do my writing and my body work as a start.
I commit myself to push myself to be more aware of my body during the day, to slow down, to breathe and to apply self-forgiveness, instead of going into suppression when it becomes too much.
I commit myself to not judge or shame myself for being high strung, but to show myself understanding and empathy in realizing that that this is merely a ‘setting’ that is out of alignment, and that it isn’t who I truly, and deeply am.
[Image for Unsplash by Patrick Fore]