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My buddy in the Desteni I Process asked me two questions:

Why have you not decided to stop struggling?

And

Where do you have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for you?

When I look at the words ‘peace’ and ‘tranquility’, there’s an immediate pushing away inside myself, like I recoil when I hear/see them coming towards me, almost like they are glowing hurt (Freudian slip! I meant to write “glowing HOT), and I would burn myself if I were to try to touch them/associate with them. When I try to relate to the words, I simply feel that “they are not for me,” that they are inaccessible to me. There is also a distinct self-diminishment and holding myself down within looking at these words in this way. Like these words are too good for me, and I am not allowed to associate myself with them.

My life and my mind has been rather the exact polar opposite of peaceful and tranquil. BUT I also see a self-made narrative where I describe and reinforce myself and my life as ‘chaotic’, ‘wild’, ‘insane’, ‘loud, ‘crazy’, ‘a struggle’, ‘a fight’. In my relationship with myself it is very much an inward struggle where I believe that I must always fight myself, because there is a belief that I am inherently ‘bad’ or ‘evil’, and that I must constantly fight myself to try to be a better person.

It’s a strange belief because I don’t see a direct correlation with my life or how I was raised and this belief. In a way, it’s like I’ve always had this ‘sensitivity’ and small things could go wrong, and I’d immediately blame it on myself. Where I can however relate it, is to my mother, because she definitely lived a life of being told/experienced that she was a bad child, and actually struggled to be free of that oppression. And I’ve noticed in the past how I’ve copied mind patterns from my parents that have no ‘root’ in me because they’re essentially not mine, but in a way it makes it more difficult to walk through, because I have no memories to go back and work with as directly. It’s more like a shadow/echo pattern. So I see two possible paths here: One, I do self-forgiveness for my mother, as her, within this pattern. Two, I look at how I can practically release the pattern through practical application.

Why have I not decided to stop struggling?

Because I believe that my life is and must be a struggle. I also fear (admitting) having an easy/privileged life, because I judge people in privileged positions and believe that there is an honor in struggling.
Because I don’t think/believe I am able to. Because I have accepted and resigned to the belief that my life must be a struggle, as though that is my faith (again a Freudian slip. I meant to write “fate”), because it is what I was born into. Because I believe I am an inherently troubled person that deserves to struggle as part of my lesson to become a good, decent person.

Where do I have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for me?

I believe peace and tranquility is not for me because:

It is wrong to live in peace and tranquility when the rest of the world suffers. Then it is an illusion
I do not have the right temper/nature/life circumstance to be able to experience peace and tranquility. There is something wrong with me/my nature.
I am still too high strung, uptight and emotionally wired. I need to fight these aspects of myself to access peace and tranquility, and thus peace and tranquility are too far way for me to be able to live.

When I see my thoughts and beliefs this way, I can see that I have conditioned myself to live a very limiting and self-deprecating life. I also see that peace and tranquility IS accessible to me, but that the real version of these words is something much more grounded than the way I’ve related to these words as something pristine and sacrilegious that I can’t possibly access. Because even when I live these words, I’d still be me. It’s about allowing myself to access/create/open myself up to a potential expression of me that’s always been here, but that I haven’t allowed to exist as a part of me. It is about making these words part of me, not the other way around.

Where do I see the potential for peace tranquility in my life?

Breathing. When I breathe I commune with my body, and I create space within me. I level and balance myself, and when I breathe directively with awareness, I put my focus on being here with all of me, rather than channeling myself into the mind and suppressing the rest of me.
Moving my body directively, specifically, precisely with awareness, care and grace.
Being in/looking at nature.
Cleaning/tidying/organizing
Working with shapes/geometry creatively/artistically
After/during physical labor and/or yoga/exercise
When I consistently decide to do/be what’s best and open myself to life/myself/my being
When I work through reactions in a self-supportive way and embrace all parts of me
When I sit on the floor, ground myself, do grounding things.

So ultimately, I actually see great potential for me to live peace and tranquility. However, I’ve created so many limiting beliefs and emotions around these words that I’ve warded myself in/kept them out, not actually allowing myself to even explore the potential of these expressions within me.

I will continue more in the next post.

[Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash]