I have decided to dedicate the remaining days of 2018 to reflecting on the years that’s passed, and in that, note the points that I will commit myself to change, expand and improve on in the new year.
One of the first points that’s come up as I have reflected on the “theme” of my 2018 experience, is that it has been one of the most INTENSE years of my life, on all fronts. I’ve never felt any more alive than I have this year. Every day has been like a roller coaster ride with intense ups and downs, and I’ve experienced myself as very “off centered” and “buzzed” half the time. This is something I would like to change; not the intensity per se (because it’s also an expression of who I am), but the roller coaster experience and then intense emotions – especially because I do not want my child to pick that up from me, and integrate it into herself as part of her. Again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But it is not supportive, when one unnecessarily spirals oneself into the belly of emotion, with the purpose of creating drama and stir shit up, but where you end up losing yourself in the emotion and believing it to be real.
I like that this year has been intense too. Like I said, I’ve never felt more alive. But there is something to be said for keeping a nice balance and remaining grounded. I do not enjoy becoming riled up over small things, and losing my shit every two seconds. It’s kind of like being bi-polar and having the manic and depressive mood swings go off at all times of the day at its worst. At its best, I am like a force of nature, a force to be reckoned with. I joked with my partner that it is like I have this new superpower, like having a beam of fire flooding from my chest, and I do not yet have control over it or know how to direct it, and so consequently, I burn everything down half the time. And I am sure my body, however strong it is, is taking a toll because of it. So in the new year, one of my goal is to give specific and clear direction to my fire and my intensity – and to ground it within me.
So what is the solution?
The way I see it, it’s really very much about creating a physical anchoring and grounding within myself, which I do for example through my commitment to start writing again, through my yoga practices, through on-the-spot self-forgiveness out loud. Ultimately I see it being about preventing these explosive moments. Sometimes it is THAT simple. I can used the earthed/earthing side of me to ground the fire that is within me, so that I can nurture and harness it in the best way possible.