The last few months I have been going through a sort of ’shedding’ process within myself, where I’ve had to take some good long hard looks in the mirror and question both my behavior and who I am within it. I made a decision to focus on ‘self-work’ as the primary point and purpose in my life; to change, grow and develop myself to become the best possible version of myself that I have the potential to be and become. I also made a decision to push myself to follow through on my commitments to myself, especially in relation to self-work, because I could see how me neglecting self-work was virtually the cause of most, if not all my problems and conflicts in my life, both internally and externally. I finally admitted to myself how I had been neglecting myself and I could see all the mechanisms that I would use to justify to myself why I did this and so make it ‘ok’ within my mind.
As I started pushing myself, I very quickly saw how everything became quiet, simple, clear and in place within me. What a difference from the stormy mind I had been walking around with! My mind was clear and free from clutter and I could relatively easily direct whatever came up in my mind. I could, for the first time, effectively direct conflicts in my relationship not only to a resolution but to new expansive depths because I was clear and stable within myself.
During this process, I was acutely aware that I have made a ‘commitment’ to change many times without following through with it, and I that I had been existing in this pattern of compromising myself for quite some time, so I knew that I would have to test my commitment and that it wasn’t a given that I would follow through with it simply because I now ‘felt motivated’.
After a few weeks another layer opened up. I have been dreaming very vivid and lucid dreams since becoming pregnant and as I woke up from a particular dream one morning, I started looking at the ‘nature’ of the dream. I realized that many of the dreams were practically the exact same, except for the story changing. In these dreams that I call my ‘stress dreams’ I am always on my way somewhere using public transportation, often in a hurry or having to get to some important event. The dreams usually involve me missing my stop on the buss or getting off at the wrong place, or somehow ending up somewhere I wasn’t supposed to go and having to find my way back. In most of these dreams either my cats suddenly appear or I somehow end up having to take care of defenseless tiny animals. I won’t go into that part of the dreams here as I’ve written at length about it here.
What I then started looking at is the fact that this experience of stress and dissatisfaction with myself that I have in my dreams, is actually showing a general state of mind that I am in, day in and day out, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. It is on an extremely subtle ‘undercurrent’ level (because I have suppressed it but also because I have normalized it and accepted it within myself) so it isn’t something I was consciously aware that I was doing.
As I started to interpret the dream, I could see that the whole transportation part of the dream, the getting from point A to point B has to do with how I view life and getting ahead in life, and I realized how I actually find my days very stressful and burdensome, even though I don’t actually necessarily have any concrete burdens. It is kind of like being chased the whole time, only what I am being chased by only exists inside my own mind.
I realized how the stress and resistance I experienced towards waking up and meeting the day had to do with the relationship I had created towards the tasks at hand, and I knew that the solution was that I had to follow through with my commitments and not create this polarized relationship to the things I had to get done.
So I have been pushing myself to apply self-forgiveness, to breathe, to write and it was going great the first couple of weeks, but sure enough I started to creep back into my old habits of coming up with justifications and excuses for not applying myself. However, because I had already started changing, I knew I couldn’t go back. I can no longer accept myself to exist in this space of being in constant conflict with myself, for so many reasons, including how I eventually project this conflict outside myself. I have seen a glimpse of what life can be like when I simply do the self-work that needs to get done and it is a life I don’t want to miss out on creating for myself.
So now I get to the point that is within the title of the blog. Because it has to do with deciding and pushing myself to be the Best version of myself in all moments. I realized that my priorities inside myself are screwed up, like a broken compass (which I’ve also written about in the past here) that sends me to a completely different destination than the one I was heading towards because the direction is off. The things I ‘want’ are not necessarily aligned with what is best for me, and because my ‘loyalty’ inside myself has been to go with what I feel towards, then I’ve really screwed myself.
I’ve written about this as well in the past, how I’ve separated myself from doing what’s best for me, because that is what I initially experienced as my mother’s ‘role’ or responsibility and it always ended me up in situations where I perceived myself as ‘missing out’ and so I came to associate ‘what is best’ (things like health for example) with words such as ‘restriction’, ‘boring’ and ‘limitation’ and conversely did the same with the opposite.
What I know now without a shadow of a doubt is that I am not interested in continuing to live this way. It is not worth it. Pushing myself on the other hand, pushing through resistance and making an effort to get something done, man the satisfaction of that, there’s nothing that beats that. It is satisfying on a whole other level.
So – I am the point of integrating these realizations and insights into a consistent living application, so that it eventually becomes a natural part of me, to such a degree that I can begin seriously focusing on supporting others/the world through my own self-transformation process.
Learn more about this way of living:
- DIP Lite – a free online course to get started on your journey of self-discovery and liberation
- Desteni I Process PRO – a course for those ready for the next phase
- School of ultimate Living – Online community focusing on real life practical change
- 7 Year Journey To Life Process – People Sharing their Processes of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction
- Journey to a New Life