In the recent weeks, I have started to open up the pattern and reaction of jealousy within myself and with jealousy; also competition and comparison as I see are interconnected in and as a trinity, also connected with superiority, inferiority and judgment as specified in this recording.
So I have very slowly been lifting the lid on how jealousy exists within me, besides in the very obvious ways that I have written about in previous posts. The other day I was writing on a DIP assignment in which jealousy, competition and comparison is a major part of the pattern I am exploring, and I saw a specific dimension of jealousy that I hadn’t considered as clearly before.
I saw that jealousy and competition is based on a flawed calculation of facts within my mind where I perceive and believe myself to be in a situation of social or relational scarcity in and through which I go into fear of losing the relationship I experience that I have or could have with other people, not realizing that relationships doesn’t have to be based on a principle of scarcity.
Often the jealousy I have experienced has been related to relationships with people or with personal or physical attributes of other people. I have seldom for example been jealous of what people own. So it is quite interesting to look at jealousy in the context of fear of scarcity because that would mean that I believe that I exist in scarcity specifically when it comes to relationships and personal/physical attributes.
As I was looking at this, I started having memories coming up from when I was a child and I was part of several ‘girl groups’ where we would fiercely compete over and with each other. There was this idea that only two or three could play together or be friends, so there would always be someone ‘voted off the island’. I was not the most popular girl in the group, and so I was fighting with some of the other girls for the popular girls attention and friendship.
As recently as in my work, I noticed how this pattern crept up again within how I (very subtly under the radar of my own awareness) started becoming jealous at a co-worker, fearing that this co-worker would ‘take my place’ and then very subtly started taking actions to ensure that that wouldn’t happen.
Another way that this can play out is through deliberately blaming and finding faults and flaws in others where I realize that I was doing so deliberately because I felt threatened by them, somehow, in some perceived position that I fear losing, or that they have and that I want to gain. It is quite a nasty system that competition and jealousy system.
There can only be one god right? And we all want to be it. We all want to be on top, be the ones that succeed, and we couldn’t care less about the ones we have to trample to get there. It is a strange thing that is built into us and to our world because when people live according to this notion, the collective cannot be sustained, and in a very real sense this world is actually dependent upon its collective organism functioning to survive.
So when we act out in this notion of “there can only be ONE, and that ONE is ME”, we are actually enchanted by a form of insanity, a self-destructive mechanism because rather than protecting our survival, we become a threat to it.
Isn’t this also what cancer is and does? Where the cells turn against each other and try to take over the body, but without having the foundation of nurture and sustainability on a collective level. Maybe this is what happens when the principle of oneness is lived without the principle of equality, which could also explain the point of fear that sets the whole thing into motion – the fear of losing out, the fear of someone else being more, having more.
So I realize that these are the two positions one can have in relation to jealousy, comparison and competition. It is like we’re all in this long line and each one has their ticket, and the whole game is to get ahead and eventually be the one who is at the front of the line, whatever heaven or endgame we believe to be at the end of that rainbow. But you both have to protect the ticket you have now AND try to win the tickets of those who are ahead of you. So the one experience has to do with fearing that those who you perceive to be behind you (this could be in relation to a work position, in relation to physical appearance or any other parameter of competition that you deem valuable) will rob you of your ticket and push you back in the line. The other experience has to do with wanting the tickets of those who are in front of you in line and trying all sorts of schemes to get their tickets.
So if I bring this back to myself and to the experiences I have had with subtle notions of jealousy that emerges through a competitive fear of loss, I see that the solution is that I do/become the exact opposite of what I am within this experience, namely being generous, giving, open, sharing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and accept a negative experience of jealousy and feeling threatened by another within fearing that they will take what I believe to be mine OR when they have/express something that I would like for myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that jealousy exists within me and that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out on jealousy and at times treat others in a not supportive way because I was so possessed with jealousy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger a possessive reaction within myself where I go into momentary insanity when I feel that someone is trying to take what I believe to be mine and I fear losing that which I believe to be mine, where I will virtually do or say anything to ensure I don’t loose what I believe to be mine
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a world of perceived scarcity in my mind where, I do not experience much physical scarcity due to living in a relatively supportive system, but where I have experienced what I perceived as social scarcity as a child and therefore believe myself to be living in a socially scarce world where I have to compete for attention, for positions and even for people that I want in my life – not realizing that this scarcity is entirely fabricated, as it is not actually so that there is only room for so many people in a person’s life and that people have to compete to ‘win’ a position. Obviously it is somewhat like this in the employment system, but even still, I live in a country with relatively little scarcity on that front which implies that my experience is irrational.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react immediately within a state of fear when I perceive scarcity and that I immediately trigger a behavior of start grabbing what I can for myself as a survival mechanism, instead of actually questioning the premise of the scarcity and see if I can challenge it and even invert it into abundance, create more rather than accepting the premise of less and then perpetuating it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to respond with fear and self-preservation as an automated reaction whenever I perceive that someone is out to get what I believe is mine and thus respond to it as a real threat that I must protect myself against instead of stopping up and questioning the premise of my experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a subconscious undercurrent pattern of perceiving myself to be in a constant competition with everyone else in this world, causing me to see others as a threat, calculating and analyzing them and myself in a constant competition to see who’s where on the ‘scoreboard’ and whether they are either a threat to me or I need to be a threat to them
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in competitive thoughts or backchat I stop and I breathe
I realize that this pattern of competition is a self-sabotage and self-destruction mechanism and that its purpose is to ensure that we do not realize ourselves in oneness AND equality and therefore that the solution to stopping this is to emphasize equality on a real and practical level
I commit myself to change my relationship with other people from being competitive and fear-based to being based on mutual support, sharing and equality
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to act out in jealousy towards another, I immediately stop myself
I realize that acting out in jealousy is a possession of fear of loss /desire to win based on competitive programming and that it is in no way based on real or sound principles
I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to act out in jealousy.
I will continue in writings to come.
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