I am here continuing to explore my relationship to the word STABLE that I started opening up in the previous blog post. In the days after the previous blog, I realized that virtually all my ‘issues’ in life comes down to my relationship with emotions, including my relationship to the word STABLE. I realized that I have identified and affiliated myself to such a degree with emotions that I time and time again choose emotions over common sense, dive into them, gorge on them and eventually ‘drown’ in a state of possession, before coming back to the surface and going like “what the hell did I just do?”
It is an addiction yes, but it is also a warped sense of loyalty where my sense of self is so tied to my emotions, it is so much ‘me’ that I almost feel like I am betraying myself if I reject or don’t act on my emotions. Going back in my life, there is a clear thread in all this.
From my mother who is a person with a lot of spunk and expression and who grew up in a strict Christian home and spend her whole life freeing herself and learning to accept herself, to my father who was severely bipolar and fought the system, the doctors and himself because he felt invincible and near divine in those moments of manic ingenuity and wanted to stay like that forever.
In my own life as a small child, I felt like my body was controlled, that adults controlled me all the time, with their rules and their morality. I felt weighed down by senseless expectations to fit in, both within my environment and within my own mind. So the more I look at it, the more I see how my relationship with emotions has to do with a warped sense of ‘self-integrity’, that because emotions are MINE and MINE ALONE – especially when they contradict what is considered normal in society, they set me free.
So ironically, I have existed in a state of total enslavement towards something that is essentially a sort of chemically induced hallucination, or rather a self-manipulated mental hallucination that induces chemical alterations in the body and makes you believe that it is real.
By the way, when I say emotions here, I mean all kinds of emotions from negative experiences like fear and depression to positive experiences like desire and pleasure.
I am saying all of this because when I looked at my relationship to the word STABLE and why it is that I don’t live this word as a consistent expression of who I am, it is exactly due to emotions and the way I let emotions override and suppress the natural stability of the body. In fact, you could say that emotions are the exact opposite of stability because of their total volatility.
So when I looked at how to start living the word STABLE, it really mostly has to do with stopping accepting and allowing myself to be emotional so that my natural expression of stability can step forth and be developed.
My current redefinition of the word STABLE is “Standing and staying able” as mentioned in the previous blog post. I will here look at how to start living the word stable by creating a network of supportive words that serves the purpose of supporting me to be able to live the word STABLE.
To stand and stay able to live in a supportive way that is best for all, I saw in the last post the words FOUNDATION, CONSISTENCY, INTEGRITY, BALANCE, FLEXIBILITY and EQUILIBRIUM.
I specifically had a look at how I am preventing myself from living the word STABLE in my day to day living. As I’ve been looking further into this, I will be updating my list with the following point: I have swapped EQUILIBRIUM for SELF-HONESTY as I see EQUILIBRIUM being more of an end-result, where as self-honesty is a very important key when it comes to living something that IS here, but that one isn’t living, because that can only mean one thing: that one is deceiving oneself in one way or another.
The foundation here is the starting-point of why I am doing this (in this case the process of establishing stability), which is something that I see I need as an anchor to not exactly lose myself in the ‘ocean of emotion’. As something that really speaks to my particular mind and setup, my foundation here is the fact that emotions has done anything but set me free, and to truly be free, I need to be absolutely self-directed and self-created, on an individual as well as on a collective level.
As a practical way of establishing this foundation, I see it would be cool with a daily morning routine where I reconfirm/solidify my commitment to walk this process. It can be a text I place on the wall right when I get up that I then read out loud as I stretch and ground myself in the body, or after applying 5 minutes of directed breathing in awareness.
To stay able, consistency in application is necessary. A tree that has its roots planted in the ground, in a solid foundation must be consistent in how it grows. Consistency has for me been a word I have particularly struggled with, which I also see is related to the point of emotion, since following emotion (for example desires) is what leads me to break my consistency of application. Consistency is therefore something I see I have to apply on a constant basis. It isn’t something I see that I can do exercises to maintain and it is also a word I see I need to work with more to establish a foundation within.
In my friend’s writing about stability, she used integrity within the context of ‘inner grit’ to push herself to remain stable. I also see it as a point of self-respect; being able to trust myself to do as I say. It is also what will determine whether I am consistent or not and as such, whether I will remain standing/staying able.
For a tree to stand able, firmly in the ground, it needs to be in balance. It needs to grow and develop in a balanced way, because otherwise it is likely to tumble due to heavy winds or others forces knocking it down. We had an apple tree recently break a huge branch off its trunk because it had gotten too heavy and we hadn’t sufficiently trimmed the tree in advance. If I as a landscaper am going to tend the tree that is my body/being/mind, I need to support myself to remain balanced. In the context of my emotions, it means that I need to ‘trim’ the aspects of me that are weighing me down and the way to do that is through applying the tools of self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective application.
Exactly as a tree needs balance, it also needs a certain amount of flexibility. A tree stands outside in rain and snow and heavy winds, and it needs to be able to bend itself to the environment, just enough for it not to lose its foundation and grounding within the earth. This means that there is a certain elasticity in the tree. It can’t be stiff and resisting the influences of its environment, but needs both balance and flexibility to remain stable. This is an interesting point, because in relation to emotions, what I see is that I can’t go around making rules and regulations for myself where I judge myself or blame myself. I also see that I have to deal with resistance in this context and learning how to embrace emotions from the perspective of not accepting and allowing them to move me, but at the same time not resisting or suppressing them.
Self-honesty is probably one of the most important ‘support’ words in this context, but also in the context of living words in general. I see it as being relevant both when becoming emotional and reacting and I might deny the fact that I am reacting, or even admit it but want to hold onto it anyways. It is also especially important in the moment where urges come up and I use thoughts to manipulate myself to justify following the urges. An example could be the urge for a food that I know isn’t supportive to my body, and I speak to myself in the thoughts and make it ‘ok’ to do – even though I know it is not. Here I need to be able to call my own bullshit.
Finally, it has been suggested to not try to work with ALL dimensions of a word in all aspects of one’s life but to rather start working with it in relation to a specific aspect. To me at the moment, the most important dimension has to do with emotions, both becoming emotional as well as accepting and allowing myself to be directed by ‘urges’.
I basically need to have an inner ‘support system’ in place for when I enter those moments where I tend to give myself over to the mind and allow the mind to take over my body. The specific situations I see where this is particularly relevant are A) in relation to other people, because that is when I mostly would have emotional reactions and B) in relation to how I move within the mind, where I literally manipulate myself through the mind to become emotional through first of all allowing thinking and secondly allowing myself to believe the thoughts. C) Having an ‘urge’ and using thoughts to manipulate myself to follow the urge. This however is something that I see I need to work more with in writings.
For now, I will work with establishing stability in relation to becoming emotional – something that prevents me from staying/standing able (STABLE).
More to come…