A couple of months ago, I got what is known as a “Beingness Signature” recording based on the drawing of my Beingness signature. The drawing is a symbol of my life and existence as a being and with it comes a recording that explains the symbols. It was a highly profound experience to get my drawing and recording and I can warmly recommend it.
In my recording I was given a series of words that represent me, words that are part of my ‘core being’ and that I am either, living or that I have suppressed or denied, and that when I redefine and start living them, will support me to expand myself more to live the essence of who I am as a being.
The word I will be working with in this writing is the word “ME”. When this word came up in my recording I was quite surprised and I did not quite understand how such a word could be significant, when it comes to defining who I am as a being. Looking at it now, I also see how I’ve held a slight negative association with the word “ME”, connecting it with selfishness and narcissism.
Looking at the word in the context of what I have been facing recently, and in my life as a whole however, I do also see a different depth to the word which has to do with recognizing and resonating with the core of myself, in essence, resonantly ‘knowing who I am’ and standing by myself in that recognition.
Interestingly enough, this is at the same time something that I have struggled with greatly in my life too, where I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a definition of ‘me’, of my relationship with myself and my life that is filtered in and through the mind, through myriads of ideas and beliefs about ‘who I am’.
Looking at the particular challenges and limitations that I have created for myself in this process and that continuously causes me to struggle, it specifically and exactly have to do with as who/how/what I have defined as ‘me’.
What I see is that I have made “ME” into a polarity between the “Right ME” and the “Wrong ME”. The right me is the ideal of who and what I believe and think I should/would/could/desire/wish to be and the wrong me is then the failing to achieve that, the falling from the pedestal of ideals in my mind. The ‘wrong’ me is thus a point of morality, of judging myself and creating rules and regulations for how I am supposed to achieve to become the ‘right’ me. (As I side-note I can here mention that I despise being morally policed by other people, probably because I do it so extensively to myself.) The two “ME’S” are thus existing interconnected, one existing only because of the other.
Looking back, I am not even sure if I started with existing as the right or the wrong me or whether I created them in conjunction with one another. I remember being a child and reacting a lot to being corrected by adults, experiencing myself as wrong. I also know that this theme of “wrong or right me” has been a distinct theme in my mother’s life and what her journey has been about has been about embracing ‘wrong me’ and allowing herself to live that without fear or guilt. For me, wrong me is not something I have seen myself as embracing but rather something to get away from, an inner ‘enemy’ aspect if you will.
How I deal with the wrong me and the right me in my daily life has been through a process of polarity where I either ‘go with the flow’ in the sense of just completely giving in to the mind and letting the mind take over, and within that finding solace in the ‘path of least resistance’ from the perspective of giving into my resistance and therefore experiencing life being easier and more comfortable, because I didn’t have to fight or make an effort. The opposite polarity of that have been moments where I put fire under my ass and in a fit of morality went into a state of “getting my shit together”, none of which has been particularly effective or supportive, again splitting myself into two polarity extremes.
It is like I only have two gears; full throttle or zombie mode and neither is getting me where I need to go.
Looking at the solution to this, I see that I need to “tune in, turn on and drop out” of the polarity game and actually embrace and merge these polarities and see how I can develop these weaknesses within me into strengths. How can I for example transform the ‘go with the flow’ tendency I have, from being undirected and random to being self-directed and specific? How can I turn my ‘full throttle’ mode into a supportive expression that doesn’t originate in fear and trying to compensate?
When discussing this with my husband, he said to me that I need to embrace the nothingness of “This is me”, that when I see something in/of myself, I do not attach anything to it, like judgments or emotions. When he said that I saw how I have come to define me as this ‘sticky’ word, and I’ll just stick anything to it, like “I am an emotional person” or “I am just not good enough” or “I don’t have very much will power” OR it can also be positive as in “I am very intelligent” or “I don’t have to do this thing because I am highly advanced.” It is kind of like getting a pimple on your cheek and going “OMG, I AM A PIMPLE” lol, where you basically take one part of your entire body and you define the entirety of you based on that.
Whatever it is, I have come to pin a lot of things onto “ME” and what it is doing is that I am being spun around and around until I have no idea who I am and just go with the flow of my immediate experiences and default strategies which are (conveniently so) coming from the mind, because that’s what I am used to.
The word No-Thingness reminded me of the saying we have around the word “thing” where we’ll say: “Oh don’t go making a thing out of it” or “At least that’s some-thing.” The word “thing” is in this context like me taking myself seriously and personal and taking everything I see about myself on face value as “Alright then, THAT is who I am. Period.” And by doing that I have trapped myself in all kinds of beliefs and limitations and time-loops of emotional suffering, because every time I for example have realized something ‘bad’ about myself, I go into a fit about it and go “this is who I am, this is who I am, this is who I am, oh god.” Instead of doing the opposite, of applying no-thingness and saying: “Right, what is this now? It is a part of me obviously and I created it surely and I’ve lived it, but the buck stops here. There is nothing that says that IT IS WHO I AM, that it is ME. And this goes for patterns I’ve lived my entire life, several lifetimes even.
So that leaves me with the question: If I am not all these ‘things’ that I have stuck onto myself and labeled as ‘ME’, then what am I? I once, during a spiritual session on psychedelic drugs had a profound experience where everything of me that wasn’t real, the personalities, the fears, the fakeness, all of it was stripped and what was left was the essence of me, the pure me, like all that existed in me was just me, only me. I am not sure how else to explain it, like ME is WHO I AM. That is what I can say. “ME” has nothing attached to it. It is everything that I ever have been, everything that I ever will be and nothing.
When I speak the word “ME” to myself, it has a grounding, soothing, intimate resonance, like coming home, embracing and accepting myself, seeing that Here I am and I accept me. Because the thing is that ME incorporate everything of me, everything I’ve ever done and said and by accepting that premise, by accepting that conglomerate, I also accept and embrace all the mistakes that I have done. I say to myself that despite all the shit I’ve done, I am still here. I still see me, I am still with me, I still stand by me, because I acknowledge and actively encourage that I as “ME” exist.
The next question is then: How will I live ME as a word that connects me/grounds me back in the essence of who I am, as ALL of what I am and STOP living me as a ‘sticky’ word to which I attach anything and everything of myself and take so personal?
One thing I can do is to watch out for those moments where I am busy defining myself, whether in writing, in speaking or in thinking for example through using the words “I am…” and especially also in moments where I become stuck and time loop in relation to a certain aspect of me (like the pimple example I shared before) because I now think that “OMG, THIS IS WHO I AM” and even solidify myself further into this particular aspect by accepting and insisting even on identifying myself as this aspect and making it a “thing” inside myself, something emotional and horrible and embarrassing mostly, something that cripples me and prevents me from living my potential and then spend all my time focusing on it being that, instead of focusing on supporting myself to change who I am and use supportive aspects of myself to do that. Another point is to remind myself of ALL that I am, see the totality of me (that I can see), the whole body instead of just the pimple on the chin.
What about/of ME do I have to change to live in a way that is supportive for myself?
I know I have to change my relationship with my body. In my process, this is a major point. And obviously, to not accept or allow myself to “go with the flow” of the mind, but to direct myself in awareness, in every moment. Interestingly enough, when I look at it this way, it becomes very simple.