I have noticed lately that my most recent blogs have been about ‘taboo’ subjects, at least to me; subjects that are hard to write about, that are difficult to admit and difficult to share with others. I share these points here because I see how important it is to share and open up about such subjects, the ‘dark’ or ‘shadow’ sides of our lives and living, which we most often do not talk about or even reflect on in ourselves. I do it to support myself, but also to support others who may be facing the same or similar points in their lives – so that we can all start opening up about these experiences and start working our way through them, to transcend them and empower ourselves through standing up from them.
This is another such point.
I have a pattern in my life that I call a ‘hole’. The hole is a mental space I drop into from time to time, a state of depression. When I drop into this space within my mind, it is usually because I have done something that I am ashamed of or that I know isn’t best for me or others, or when I make mistakes or fall in processes I am walking, and so I go into this space where I starting thinking and feeling like everything is ‘not good’ but primarily that I am not good.
The thoughts and emotions that come up center around me not ‘doing good’ or ‘not being enough’ and as I allow myself to fall further and further into it, I start feeling more and more depressed about my self and I start seeing myself in all areas of my life as ‘not good enough’ and fear starts coming up within me that the whole thing (my life) is going to collapse and fail.
I start becoming ‘numb’ (a state of suppression) within myself, feel lethargic and I experience apathy and I do not want to apply self-forgiveness or work on myself. All I want to do is to be left alone and not have to deal with anything.
In the past, when I went into the ‘hole’ it could get quite bad and there has been times where I am in the ‘hole’ for weeks and a couple of times even months at a time. In the recent years it has not at all been so bad and it is mostly a matter of some hours or at the most a day or two, but what has often happened is that I simply wait it out or I speak with my partner or something ‘positive’ happens that pulls me out of the hole and I forget about it. Very rarely have I written about it, and in those instances, it has mostly been about what my experiences in the hole are centered around, not being good enough for example.
It is however a particular pattern and it is the pattern that I am going to write about here, because I see how the entire ‘circle’ of how this pattern plays out (because it happens in the same sequence each time), is what repeats over time.
So in looking at this pattern, what I see is that I am accessing defense and protection mechanisms as well as taking my own mistakes personal. So when I do something, as a mistake or a fall, I could’ve immediately picked myself up again and see how I can correct myself. I could have not seen it as something ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, but because I do, because I take it persona, I go into self-judgment, and what is so interesting is that, to protect myself from my own self-judgment (which is a form of self-abuse), I access a state of suppression and hiding (the numbness I spoke of earlier) as well as self-victimization and self-pity, which is caused by the polarity of self-judgment. So now I am in a split inside my mind where part of me hates on myself and the other part is trying to defend myself from this hate.
Looking at it from the mind’s perspective (where its single command is to protect its own survival), this is quite an effective cycle, because I am now totally distracted from the original ‘sin’ and am not in any way focused on solutions, or on supporting myself to change, because I am first of all in a state of total suppression and secondly because I am caught in this polarity seesaw of going back and forth between self-judgment and self-victimization. It is perfect in a sense, because one can keep this up for a long time – and the only reason I’ve been able to stop it, is due to the support I’ve been given, having a partner who ‘checks’ me and having worked with stopping self-judgment, so I for the most part do not actually believe or accept myself as ‘not good enough’.
The fact that I do from time to time access this pattern however, indicates that there is still a part of me that accepts me as not good enough, but as I mentioned, it has actually more to do with the fact that I take my mistakes personal and then go into hiding from myself, all ‘perfectly orchestrated’ because it ends up with me NOT going back to the original point and taking responsibility for that.
I forgive myself that I take it personal when I make a mistake, miss a point, fall in a process or do something I know is not best, within immediately holding it against myself and judging myself as being ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘not good enough’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my own imperfection within the context of not always being how I would prefer to be, or act in a way I would prefer to act in, and so, within embracing my shortcomings, support myself to stand up and change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect perfection of myself, to expect myself NOT to make mistakes, NOT to miss points, NOT to fall, NOT to do things that I know aren’t best, within having created a delusional ideal of how I believe I am supposed to be, and at times even how I believe that I am, and so when I do not live up to my own expectations of perfection, come down hard on myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and accept as real the belief that I am not allowed, and that it is unacceptable, unforgivable even, for me to make mistakes, miss points, fall in processes I am walking and not always doing what is best from within a starting-point of moral judgment of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ as positive and negative characteristics
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two, to separate myself from myself when I make a mistake, miss a point, fall or don’t do what is best, where one part of me goes into self-judgment, self-loathing and self-hate, and the other feels attacked, abused and feels like I need to protect myself from my own judgment by going into suppression, self-victimization and self-pity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how self-judgment is a form of self-abuse where I stand AGAINST myself, in separation of and from myself, causing me to split in two and go into suppression and hiding from my own self-abuse
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into suppression to not have to face or experience the abuse of my own self-judgment over what I have done and within that go into another layer of self-abuse where I don’t support myself to stop or change, but go into ‘numbness’ which eventually turns into self-destructive behaviors where I throw my self-support out the window and go into a state of “fuck it” towards myself and the world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my state of self-suppression and self-destructiveness go into apathy and lethargy where I don’t want to do anything or support myself and within that don’t do anything and simply let things be until I eventually snap out of it or the energy runs out, but where I do nothing to change the original mistake I made or prevent myself from accessing the cycle again, because now everything is apparently ‘ok’ again and I am ‘over it’ and ‘out of the hole’ and so I just forget about it and suppress it all, until it happens again next time
When and as I make a mistake, miss a point, fall in a process or do something I know isn’t best, and I see myself participating in thoughts of it being ‘wrong’ and that I am supposed to be ‘better’ and ‘perfect’, I stop and I breathe
I realize that me expecting myself to be perfect, to NOT make mistakes, to NOT miss points, to NOT fall or do things that I know isn’t best, is unrealistic and is causing me to take myself personal and think/believe that I am doing something, wrong, unacceptable and unforgivable and in the end causing me to give up on myself and not take responsibility for myself
I commit myself to stop expecting myself to be perfect
When and as I see that I am reacting to the fact that I have made a mistake, missed a point, fallen in a process or done something that I know isn’t best, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that me reacting to something I do, is the starting-point of the cycle of me going into the hole, and I realize that this is a self-sabotage pattern that eventually ends up with me not correcting myself or take responsibility for myself.
I commit myself to embrace myself when I do something that isn’t best, a mistake, miss a point or fall in a process and immediately look at how I can support myself to correct myself