addicted to emotions, automated living, how to create a meaningful life, life quality, meaningful life, preprogrammed mind patterns, purpose in life, quality of life, quality time, what's my purpose in life
Do you have Life Quality, Quality of Life? Do you spend your Time within doing things that are of Quality to you, and what does Quality mean to you? I discovered that, to me, Quality means that what I am doing has Worth, Meaning and Purpose and that what I decide to spend my Time on, this Precious Time that we so Humbly have available to us for a Moment, can be of Quality, if I re-authenticate myself as the Directive Principle of my life, as the Authority that makes Decisions based on the Principle of what is Best for All.
The two terms ‘life quality’ and ‘quality time’ are terms that we often use to speak about how it is best to live, and how we should change our prioritizes to have more meaningful lives and for example, more meaningful moments with our children. Quality in the context of ‘quality time’ usually means ‘something that is worth having/meaningful’. Life quality can also be measured in this way and can be seen as something subjective, however there is also a common ‘standard’ as to what ‘life quality’ or ‘quality of life’ is as the general well-being of a person from living standards including recourses, accommodation to mental and physical health. We often discuss ‘life quality’ in the context of tough cases where people are for instance in a coma or where children are born with several handicaps that makes us question whether their life quality will be high enough for life to be worth while for them. We also talk about life quality in the context I mentioned earlier, where it more often has to do with discovering what one is really passionate about in life, to get off the beaten track of survival and into a way of living that is meaningful and purposeful.
I have looked at these terms as points of departure in relation to the questions of:
1. How I live my life
2. How I spend my time
The reason why I bring these concepts up is because I am not always satisfied with how I spend my time and therefore also not with the quality of my life, precisely in the context of whether I spend my time and my life on doing things that are meaningful and purposeful.
There was a really interesting Eqafe recording once that spoke about how, people who are most motivated to do something in life, are often people who are motivated by fear of survival, which also explains why some people are not as motivated (from a mind perspective, obviously) to do something with their lives; simply because they do not have that fear of survival. For some reason, I do not have this fear, and it may have something to do with the fact that my life was already about surviving from the get-go, albeit in a very moderate, ‘rich-western-country’ sense where, yes my mother and I struggled to make ends meet, but we were never starving or without a roof over our heads.
The point that I am unsatisfied with in this context is that I do not always spend my time on things that are purposeful and I find that I have too much ‘waste’ time, which is time spend on things with absolutely no purpose or meaning, but that are often the result of mental preferences or resistances, of being in a comfort zone where I do not feel haunted by life, to constantly produce things of meaning and value. This is not all bad though, because it also means that I can be more creative and flexible with my time, and I can embrace opportunities that to others may seem pointless to pursue and that in the end turns out to be quite practical and that pays off in one way or another.
However, I also question why I am this way, why I do not spend every waking moment on that which I know is meaningful and purposeful, which in the context of my life and process and the path that I have chosen to take, is about contributing to making a difference in the world on one hand, and changing myself from the inside out to become a living example of that difference.
The moments that I speak about here, can be moments of oversleeping whereby I ‘loose’ precious and valuable time that could have been spent in a meaningful way, writing blogs, writing articles, working, connecting with people. It can also be moments of browsing the Internet aimlessly or getting caught up in a YouTube watching marathon of suddenly becoming fascinated by a certain subject that may be entirely meaningless to the purpose I have given my life. It can also be moments where I justify to myself that I ‘deserve’ or even ‘need’ to relax and watch a movie, that I could instead have spent on working on my DIP assignments or writing a blog or being with my partner. And here, I am obviously also speaking about balance, because I am not saying that there are not moments where watching a movie IS the best use of my time. I am speaking about moments where I know within myself that my time would have been better spent writing a blog, that there is actually no reason for me not writing a blog, other than I simply don’t ‘want to’ or ‘feel like it’ and thus where my priorities are out of whack with the purpose I have given to my life.
In many ways, these decisions to not spend my time in a meaningful way are the remnants of a past life, a life where watching TV, or surf the internet when you come home from work, IS what you do, is what everyone does, is totally and completely normal – and the fact that you are wasting time and not doing something meaningful goes completely over your head, and sometimes never hit you, or only hit you much later in life, when you start realizing how little you have accomplished in life and how meaningless it has been. That is not the life I want to create for myself.
Don’t get me wrong; I also have meaningful moments and moments of pushing through and doing what needs to be done. But due to the way my life is, where everything is very flexible and open, I am often left with a CHOICE of what to do next, at least that is how I have experienced it, where I, in my mind, experiences that no consequences will come of me sleeping an extra hour or watching another episode of that show. But the thing is that it accumulates, and before you know it, a whole life has gone by and you have nothing to show for it.
I do not want to live as though I am haunted, by time, by a career, by money, by survival or by the purpose I have given myself. So I am not saying that I should now change gears and go into the opposite polarity of militaristic application, ensuring that every waking moment is spent on something meaningful, and otherwise come down hard on myself.
What I am however saying, is that I need to look at how I have defined ‘quality’ in the context of ‘meaningful’ and ‘purposeful’ when it comes to how I spend my life and my time, because there is a misalignment still where I do not have my priorities straight according to what I see and know to be best.
Why else would we do something that we know deep inside is not what is best? It must be because there is an overriding ‘authority’ that we have given power of attorney to in our minds that is calling the shots, and that we are listening and adhering to without question. Those decisions certainly do not make themselves.
If we look at this issue in a much larger context, we can see how this exact pattern that I am exposing here, is actually what prevents us as humanity from changing the world; because we have so many priorities that are not in alignment with what is best for all life, that we keep arguing for and justifying, to such degrees that we live our entire lives within and through them, whether it involves drinking alcohol, being a sex-addict, watching too much TV, distracting ourselves with hobbies or feverishly climbing the career latter. All of this keeps us from making real MEANING of our lives and from giving our lives real PURPOSE.
I have lived the majority of my life without purpose or meaning, aimless drifting around, grasping for meaning but without ever holding onto it, committing myself to it. It has become a way of life for most of us.
In looking at how to change this, I have made the mistake of making this a moral issue, from a starting-point of feeling guilty towards a ‘higher power’ or someone else wanting me to be productive and driven, which has only caused me to polarize myself even further into opposite driving-forces, because I completely separated myself from meaning and purpose, and saw it as something someone else wanted/needed me to do, and that I owed it to them to make something useful of my life.
I did this, instead of going to the source of the problem, which is that I have given the authority of my life, my decisions, my choices to a preprogrammed life-pattern that dictates me to live a ‘mellow’ and ‘chill’ life, facing as little resistance as possible and simply ‘going with the flow’. In my case, this is how my life was supposed to turn out; totally without purpose, simply being a leach on the world, consuming and ingesting under the guise of ‘living large’ and ‘doing what feels good’. I know that for others it has manifested in different ways, of for example giving their authority to the fear of not surviving, which caused them to strive for success, but which made them end up in the exact same position – of not creating something of meaning, value and purpose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take time and life for granted, within deluding and deceiving myself into believing that life/time goes on and on forever, that there is always more/enough time, instead of realizing that with the way life is currently set up, there is in fact only a very limited amount of time to live and that every second therefore is precious and irreplaceable and should be honored.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my authority to a preprogrammed life-design that has been programmed to ensure that I never create meaning or purpose in my life, but that I in fact spend my life as a total zombie that simply consumes and uses up resources and thus have less than meaning and purpose in that my life is spent ultimately destroying and abusing life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically follow the whims and preferences that I feel and experience through the mind without question and without awareness and thereby and through that, give my power, sovereignty and authority to the mind, to live for me, as me, through me and me therefore not existing or living at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when seeing that I am wasting my time and adhering to preferences that are not best for all and thereby create another level of deception within myself/my mind, within and through which I actually compound myself further into the mind by splitting and polarizing myself and separating myself from myself, taking my actions personal, instead of seeing what I am doing for what it is and looking for practical solutions accordingly
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize and split myself through reacting within an experience of guilt and morality where I think and believe that I have done something wrong, that I am wrong and that I must control myself, only causing me to suppress myself further and empower myself in/as the mind in following the mind’s preferences through polarity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself permission to change my priorities and preferences based on the principle of what is best for all, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be automatically governed by the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the mind is not and does not have authority over/as me, except for through my permission, acceptance and allowance where I have accepted and allowed myself to be loyal to the mind because I have accepted and allowed myself to be loyal to feelings, emotions and experiences where I have become addicted to the ‘feel-good’ feelings and have resisted the ‘bad’ emotions, instead of directing myself based on the principle of what is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is not a matter of ‘taking back’ authority from the mind, as the mind never had authority, as I have had the authority all along and I have abdicated it as myself to the mind, to let the mind stand as my authority for me, because of the relationship I have created towards emotions, feelings and experiences
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my submission to, and abdication of myself to the mind, in wanting the mind to direct me, be the authority of and as me, comes from a symbiotic relationship I have created with the mind, where the mind gives me feelings and experiences and ‘helps’ me avoid negative emotions – within and through which I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing the illusion and delusion of emotional experiences and have accepted and allowed myself to fully immerse myself in emotions as was that the only thing that is real in this life .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that it is through my loyalty and addiction to emotions, feelings and experiences that have maintained my abdication of myself to the mind, where I have deceived myself into believing and accepting that the mind gives me/provides me with what I want; good feelings and experiences and to avoid bad experiences and emotions – not realizing how this is exactly like those mafia movies where the mafia is giving protection money to a shop to protect the shop against the mafia itself, and thus what I have deceived myself into believing and accepting that the mind is doing for me, is something that wouldn’t even be necessary without the mind – or my relationship to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to imagine or see a life without existing in emotions and feelings and without being directed by and through emotions and feelings, and within and through being so used to existing in/through emotions and feelings; I have accepted emotions and feelings as a comfort zone and as a default state and as something that I identify myself with, as me and that I therefore do not want to let go of .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am in the process of re-authenticating myself through taking back/taking responsibility for the authority that I have given to and projected onto the mind and that this is something that I have to do for every single minute aspect of myself where I am still governed by the mind, because that even with one minute aspect, it still means that I am not the self-directive principle in/of/as myself or my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the mind is not to blame in all of this. It would be like blaming a computer for humans using it to send drone strikes that kill people and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much of my attention on the mind itself, instead of focusing on WHO I am within/as/through the mind, which is where the key is to stopping this pattern of not creating meaning or purpose for myself – because it comes down to the question of who and what I accept myself as, on a very real and tangible level.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is enough to see what I require changing and that when I do, I will automatically change, when in fact, I have to re-train, re-authenticate myself as the directive principle of and as myself so that all of me understands and accepts that I am the directive principle of me, as the principle of what is best for all in equality and oneness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that this process is not about resisting, rejecting or destroying the mind, but about becoming the directive principle of/as myself within taking absolute responsibility for myself within awareness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take absolute responsibility for myself because that means that I cannot keep doing/living what I do as I then have to stand accountable and self-honest in all that I do, and I have perceived that to be ‘boring’ and ‘not free’ – not realizing that this is yet another mind program firewall kicking in, in fact propelling me once again to the exact opposite direction of freedom – which would be to become fully self-directed and aware so that everything I do, speak, breathe is done within full awareness and decision
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated, because every time I try to change these patterns I find myself falling back into them again, thereby causing myself to think and believe that it is pointless and hopeless, causing me to eventually give up and give in again – not realizing how this is yet another clever program that ensures that I do not get to the point of manifesting substantial change and transcendence, which I realize comes from a diligent and stubborn process of PRACTICE, over and over, willing myself, no matter how many times I fall
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the quality (worth, purpose and meaning) of life that I have been given and have given myself the opportunity to live in this life, through this very process in every moment, in every breath
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the quality (worth, purpose and meaning) of the time that is available to me, within humbly being aware of the uncertainty of life and not knowing how long I have to live in this physical world and make the most of it, through becoming a living example of worth, purpose and meaning, not only for my own sake, but for the sake of all of us, so that my existence on this planet may be of use and value and contribute to creating a life that is best for all
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by/directing myself in/as the mind, through emotions, feelings and experiences to make decisions of what to do with myself/my life/my time, I stop and I breathe.
I realize/remind myself that I am in the process of transforming all parts and aspects of myself into becoming the living principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all and that this is one of those aspects, where I need to become/stand as the authority and directive principle of myself.
I realize/remind myself that this experience I have, is an addiction, and a deception and that this exact pattern, of automatically following mental experiences, desires, preferences, is exactly what is causing the world to be in the mess it is in right now, causing people to not care, to be disempowered and zombified, that is causing us to destroy this planet and thus ourselves – and even with a little bit of common sense, one can see that this makes completely no sense, and so no matter how we ended up here, or ‘who’s fault’ it was, what matters now is to re-authenticate ourselves as the proper authorities of these individual bodies and from there, re-authenticate ourselves in the communities and collective levels, so that we may re-authenticate ourselves as life on an existential level.
I commit myself to walk this process of re-authenticating myself as life, in every aspect of myself, my life until it is done and I commit myself to not give up, even though I fall and fall again – to not accept a fall as a failure or a termination or a sign that what I am doing isn’t working – because I know that it is, from points I have already changed and transcended and I know that there is nothing that cannot be walked through or transcended, if I only remain diligent, patient and creative and keep coming up with solutions and deepen myself in awareness and self-honesty to understand myself.
Artwork by Matti Freeman