I have changed. I have not only changed a little, but in fact become almost an entirely new Being. I say almost because I still have some patterns, behaviors and personalities that I access and go into that has been with me for many years, but mostly, I have changed. 7 years ago I was a reactionary person. Almost anything I did and experienced was reactionary. When I say reactionary I mean that virtually all I did was to react, to things that came up inside me, to other people, to situations. I would handle one reaction by going into another reaction. When I look back at how I was, it as though I was a zombie, I existed only as reactions, desperately trying to grasp onto something real, something substantial – BECOME real, but every where I looked, I only found more deceptions, more pitfalls of fantasy that took me further and further from reality.
I knew I had potential, I have always known that, but I channeled that knowing into ego and into spiritual delusions about becoming this enlightened, ‘higher’ being – it had absolutely no grounding in reality and I did nothing to actually change or improve myself on a practical level in terms of learning skills or developing capabilities. I only focused on improving myself on a mental level and I wasn’t even very successful at that, because whatever spiritual mind game I played with myself, I always ended up with the same shitty experience of myself.
At the same time as I engaged in extreme delusions of grandeur, my self-esteem was at an absolute low. But I wasn’t even consciously aware of it, I simply reacted. I was very fearful of people, of relationships and friendships and I engaged within them reluctantly because it always made me so uncomfortable, so tense, while at the same time, there was nothing I wanted more than to really connect with another human being, with a group of people, belong somewhere and actually make something meaningful out of my life.
When I look back I can see how desperate I was, and how I wandered around my life in a haze. It was as though I had a road map to life but the drawings and writings on it had been washed away so that all I could make out was faded lines and markings that I had no idea what meant and I desperately tried following those, hoping that they would lead me somewhere where I could live my potential.
That all changed 7 years ago, in 2009 when I one day came across a group online that was nothing like anything else I had ever seen or experienced in all my years chasing after spiritual groups and communities, trying to find myself a place to belong. This group called Desteni called it like it is. There was nothing warm and fuzzy about it. In fact, it scared the living daylights out of me more than once during those first initial months. I was shocked to the core of my being of what I read and heard – but at the same time, the truth of what I heard echoed with the most certainty that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I had not a single seconds doubt that this was real. If you have not experienced it I am not sure you can understand, and it is easy to say that this is the same as what religious people experience when they ‘find god’ – but in having experienced plenty spiritual delusions in the past, I can tell you that this was something very different.
There is a stark difference between hearing something that one can use in one’s mind to feel better about oneself and to dull the fear one experience, and to hear something that literally rips your heart open and exposes every single lie you’ve ever told about yourself.
So I started – in fact for the first time – actively walking a process of changing myself, through facing all the lies inside me that I had told myself throughout my life, lies such as “the universe is good” and “it all happens for a reason” and “I was born this way I can’t help myself” and all other lies that we as human beings tell ourselves on a daily basis to keep the deception of who we are going.
At first, I wasn’t at very genuine about it. I would do the work but I wasn’t fully committed with all of myself. I am still not satisfied about the way I walk my process. But someone once said to me that the fact that I don’t easily become satisfied actually isn’t a bad thing because it means that I keep pushing myself to excel.
And this is definitely something that has changed. During these past 7 years, I have become better and better and not taking shit from myself, although I still do it from time to time. And in my case, taking shit from myself means coming up with excuses as to why I don’t push myself, why I don’t apply myself fully, why I accept myself to become emotional and let my emotions rule me, why I don’t stop when I see I become emotional. Taking shit from myself also includes being extremely harsh with myself, loathing and hating myself and taking all of that out on the body.
I am a completely different person today – and for some reason, this has been difficult for me to admit openly in this way. I think it is some ‘taboo self-censoring’ mechanism inside me where I see it as ‘wrong’ to openly express the fact that I know that I have some pretty awesome qualities. Another reason is that I often doubt myself and I still tend to go into low self-esteem where I think poorly of myself and start doubting whether I’ve changed at all.
What is really cool however is that the proof is in the physical, so even if I doubt myself in my mind, I can see in my physical reality that I have in fact changed, not only a little – but a lot.
I can see it in my communication with other people, how I have so much more space within me to embrace other people. How can I access this ‘timeless’ dimension of seeing ‘behind the veil’ of a person’s mind and in real time give them support to empower themselves within what they are facing. I have always been quite ‘sharp’ in terms of ‘seeing through’ the veils of the world, but this ability has been heightened to an extent where I’ve sometimes – almost with fear – wondered whether it was some kind of magic I accessed.
And what’s even crazier is that I know deep within me, that I’ve only just scraped the surface of what I am capable of. Even with everything I have changed, I am still only at the brink of what is possible. And sometimes I fall into a trap of accepting myself to remain in this place, because it is 100 times more awesome than where I was before and my life is so much better and richer and more enjoyable, so I sometimes get a bit lazy in thinking that I don’t have to push myself further because this is basically where I’ve always wanted to be: to be somewhere where I make a real impact in the world, to have a lovely home, a career, a man, a group of friends and a satisfying life.
But I know that I can’t stand still – and considering that I’ve barely scraped the surface of what I am capable of, I cannot even imagine what’s to come. It is almost like becoming a ‘superhero’ through a process of directively self-transformation where I am creating ‘super powers’ within me – but in reality those aren’t actually super powers, because first of all, everyone has them (although each one is different) and secondly, we only see it as super powers because we’ve lived a life of totally wasting our potential and having no idea what we’re really – and naturally – capable of.
I have matured and I have developed space inside myself (which also gives space to supporting others) and I have become so much more specific than what I was before. It has taken a very long time and I am no where near done, in fact the more I walk, the more I become aware that I have only really started and sometimes I realize that I haven’t even really started yet – and still, I have started to access this potential inside of me that was always there, which has to do with becoming the utmost version of myself.
It is kind of like taking your best qualities and amping them up to the best they can be, while becoming the directive principle over the worst qualities of yourself so that you can stop them and eventually disengage from them completely, thus leaving space for even more of the best qualities to flourish.
For me, a lot has happened to bring me to that point and I have certainly had a lot of help along the way from others who stand as examples through the process they have walked of developing their own potential – but a significant difference for me was the day I gave myself a purpose in life.
When I look back, and even now, I realize that I could have picked anything really – and that in itself is empowering – and made that my purpose, by being tenacious and creative and by using my ability to hack through the systems, but what supported me so much was to give my life a specific direction – any direction really – that supported me to become focused and driven. After that I have pushed myself so much more and especially when I have started to see that my process have started to impact others and my relationships with them, where my work has been confirmed by others independently of the inner process I am walking.
I have been able to solve conflicts both internally and externally that I would have never been able to solve before, because back then I did not have the understanding I have now, I didn’t have the capacity to take full responsibility for myself – as I mentioned: I just reacted.
I have changed, already now with my existential baby steps, more than I ever imagined was possible. I knew I had potential, but I had no idea that it was this much and this real and something that I can actually use to make a difference in the world, where my life becomes more than just me, where the fact that I exist is something beneficial to the world as a whole – now THAT is empowering.
I can only recommended walking the process that I have walked and that I am walking every day – but your process will be totally different from mine, so there’s no point in comparing or trying to become exactly like someone else. You are totally and awesomely unique and no one can walk your process for you, because it is YOUR process – you are the only one who can be self-honest with you and see where you need to push more, where you are being delusional, where you are selling yourself short, where you are giving yourself excuses for not changing – only you can walk through that. But the beauty of that is actually that YOU CAN walk through it.
You can walk through the shit you were exposed to as a child, even the shit that you tell yourself is totally irrelevant and that you shouldn’t be bothered by as an adult, but that does in fact bother you. You can walk through the low self-esteem, the self-judgment, the addictions, and the delusions of grandeur. I guarantee you: if I can, so can you. And I do not say this lightly, because I was in many ways a sucky human being (as I have realized now: I also had some awesome sides to me that I am now starting to give more room to grow and develop) but I was a coward and I was an emotional wreck and I was an addict. I had very little control over myself, if any at all. Yet despite this, I also had a tiny little flicker of life and awareness and integrity within me – and that was what resonated with that message I heard 7 years ago. The real in me could hear the real in what I was listening to and it’s was physically impossible to turn my back on it.
I have changed – and so can you. And I will gladly walk with you and beside you, because there is nothing more honoring than to be part of another person’s self-transformation and seeing someone accessing the potential they have inside them, is the most beautiful sight in the world. It is like seeing the kids who had their lights put out when they stated school, get the light of life back into their eyes.
I could write a list and write all the things I have changed, from how I’ve developed in my professional life – which is an area in which I’ve taken quantum leaps, to how my communications skills have developed and been specified, but I will rather let you see it for yourself, in who I am in my day to day life and in yourself.
Because if I can change – so can you.
What are you waiting for?
Seriously, what are you waiting for? Because your potential is waiting for you. It’s right here, it’s always been right here. And you know what it is – you know exactly what it is. All you have to do is to start living it, even if what you start with is a tiny wobbly baby step of uncertainty and insecurity. One step is all it takes…. and then another… and another.
Artwork by Taylor James