In the recent months, communication has been a core topic in my interactions and relationships with others. Within this, a specific point I have faced is the point of communicating with someone that I do not understand. This can both be in the sense of literally not understanding them within them speaking a different language or as in this case, someone whom I cannot understand due to the way they communicate/see/perceive differently from me.
Interestingly enough this is actually a very rare experience. When I look back, it is something I have only experienced a few times in my life (that I can recall), where it feels like another person and I are from different planets, despite speaking the same language. I have however experienced it frequently when for instance taking in new information that I wasn’t previously familiar with – and within that reacting to that, exactly as I’ve reacted to people I don’t understand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my reactions towards another and thereby accept and allow the reactions to accumulate without me taking responsibility for stopping them, eventually leading to an external conflict where I am so much in reaction that I cannot speak supportive to that person
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and perceive another as being disruptive in the way they communicate where I experience them as being chaotic and abstract and not making any sense and that they are therefore disturbing the dynamics of discussions by going completely off context
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how I am seeing another through my reactions is who they really is, when I am in fact, through seeing another through reactions, not seeing them at all but am in fact reacting to something within myself that is unresolved and that I do not yet stand clear with/equal to within myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of fear, anxiety and frustration when I communicate with a person because I do not understand them and therefore experience that I get thrown off and spun around to a point where I risk loosing my grounding by following them into the rabbit hole of abstract thought
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear chaos, uncertainty and things I do not understand as though that in itself is dangerous and I therefore attempt to have my world organized and understood at all times because I fear losing myself when things get chaotic
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become affected by what I perceive as the chaos created by another person, not realizing that it is my responsibility to remain stable no matter how my outside is appearing and that if I am not in chaos inside there is no reason why I should become chaotic because I experience external chaos as the only influence is has on me is what I allow
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to get lost within myself when I am communicating with another whom I do not understand and whom I perceive as being unbalanced and not grounded, thus implying that I am accepting and allowing myself to define my experience of myself based on my perception of another’s expression because I want to accommodate them and not create conflict with them – but instead I create conflict within myself and eventually conflict with them as well because I start blaming and resenting them for the experience I go into when I communicate with them within holding them responsible for my experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by being too nice, within fearing that others will be angry with me or resent me if I speak to them directly, where I constantly weigh my words to be ‘politically correct’ within the context I am in, to not create conflict – not realizing how I am, by doing that, in fact creating not only internal conflict within myself because I compromise myself, but in fact also creating conflicts with others because I blame them for me compromising myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that it is entirely impossible to get through to a person and through that justify within myself wanting to not have anything to do with them and essentially want to discard them from my life – because of the emotions communicating with them is stirring up within me, in which I am then blaming them for what I create inside myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my world and my reality to be neat and organized and understandable and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to avoid and ignore anything and anyone that I deem to be ‘crazy’ or ‘off’ because I don’t like how I experience myself when I am around them as being ungrounded and confused
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand stable, firm and grounded within my expression and myself no matter who I am communicating with or how they are communicating and that I have accepted and allowed myself to change within myself based on who I am communicating with and how they are communicating, and therefore specifically do not enjoy people that I perceive to be too abstract, confusing and chaotic – because those are experiences that I particularly do not enjoy within me, whereas other experience I do enjoy and so there I DO WANT to be influenced and changed through my communication with another – rather than standing sound and stable in my own communication, no matter how another communicates
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my perception of another to determine and define how I experience myself around them, not realizing that I am first of all changing who I am based on experiences and secondly, I am seeing others through the mind, rather than seeing them here, through their words as who they are
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern and a habit of rejecting things and people that I do not understand and to immediately want to do that when I experience that I don’t know how to get through to a person – when I in fact see and realize that this is unacceptable because I don’t get to throw people out of my life simply because I don’t understand them – in fact, it is a unique opportunity to get to learn and understand a new mind that I wasn’t familiar with, just like anything I don’t already understand is an opportunity for me to grow and expand
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame and judgment towards a person I don’t understand, specifically because I don’t like the experience of not understanding them, because that means that I don’t know who to be in communicating with them and I don’t have control over myself as I usually do when I can read people and align myself to them – which is in fact both manipulative and self-manipulative and an indication of me separating myself from myself and not standing within myself solidly in self-trust and that I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my mind’s perception of others, thus essentially allowing myself to be directed by an illusion that isn’t real
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in feeling irritated and frustrated and enjoyed when I experience myself having to decipher another’s words because I don’t immediately understand them and within that also become frustrated when I misunderstand them and can’t seem to get to a point of understanding them at all – and within that, blame them for my experience, as though it is something they are doing to me – when I am in fact the one reacting to an experience inside myself of being uncomfortable and not being ok with not understanding something/someone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react within an experience of feeling irritated and anxious when communicating with someone whom I perceive to be ‘off’ – as in not being on the same ‘wavelength’ as me and that is therefore out of my reach, because I expect myself to be able to reach all people and get through to them and therefore think that I have failed, that there’s something wrong with me when I can’t – not considering how communication is a two-way street where the point of connecting is as much up to the other person as it is to me and therefore it is not something I can control or dictate
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to force a connection with another person within an ego-reaction where I believe that I am able to reach everyone – instead of accepting that for some reason I simply might not be able to communicate with this person at the moment and if it is not coming through, it isn’t something I can force
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not embrace another person unconditionally within me, and hold them within me and stand with them in equality, despite the fact that I don’t understand them or where they are coming from
When and as I see that I am reacting to not understanding something/someone by wanting to push it/them away OR through trying to force a connection/understanding, I stop and I breathe. I realize that understanding and connection might not always be possible and that this depends as much on the other as it does on me, and therefore it isn’t something that I can dictate or control. I realize that I’ve created a pattern of fearing things/people that I don’t understand, specifically because I have defined myself according to my experience of myself based on my perception of others, which means that when I am with people I don’t understand, I feel ungrounded and ‘floating in space’ because I don’t have the anchor of knowing who to be when I am with them, which is an alarm clock for me, because it shows me that I am not being real, here, standing firm and grounded within who I am, in my expression, no matter who I communicate with or how they communicate – especially because communication is so volatile and has so many dimensions that I might not be aware of; defining myself according to my experience thereof, becomes volatile in its own. I commit myself to embrace someone/something that I don’t understand without trying to force a connection/understanding. I commit myself to instead listen and observe and simply be present without having to try to force or control the communication to go a certain way. I commit myself to stand grounded and firm within my own expression and to stop accepting and allowing myself to define and determine who I am based on my experience of my perception of others and who I am in relation to them.