After thinking that people are totally wrong about me and that they don’t understand me, I have been looking at the point of validity in how people around me react to me, meaning that yes I may actually be contributing to triggering these reactions in others and that they are indicating to me that I am not fully aligned in my daily participation with others – however obviously the fact that they do react and for example become annoyed or judgmental is something that they are creating within themselves and not something for me to take personal – but that doesn’t mean that they do not have a point.
So at work I often get to hear that I seem stressed and people frequently ask me whether I am ok. In the moment it happens I feel quite surprised because I don’t experience myself as particularly stressed or unstable. But when I look back at the way I moved and spoke and how I actually experienced myself in my body, I can see that they might have a point.
I am generally not a very calm person. In fact I can be quite hectic. But the thing is that I am so used to myself being this way that I don’t notice it as being ‘over the top’. Like for instance when I am at work, I simply experience myself as ‘efficient’ and ‘on the move’.
So while I haven’t enjoyed people reacting to me and misunderstanding me in moments (which does also happen) I am actually quite grateful for their reactions because it is showing me a part of myself that I require aligning and that I otherwise might not have noticed because I am so used to being this way.
The best way I can describe it is like being ‘high strung’, somewhat ‘frantic’ and ‘hectic’. I tend to be concerned that things are done in the ‘right way’ and want to make sure I don’t forget anything or miss a point.
This is in itself not a ‘bad’ thing, in fact it is very useful to be ‘on point’ and have my eyes open and be so aware of my environment that I can prevent unwanted consequences from playing out – what is however a ‘problem’ is that I do so within a state of emotion, whether slight or very obvious.
So what all of this is showing me is that I must work on being calm specifically and also stable and to slow down within myself – and know that I can still be effective and efficient and see what needs to be done, but that it doesn’t have to be done in a ‘frantic’ or ‘hectic’ state, not only because it affects others but also because it is not an optimal way to be, neither for purposes of efficiency nor for my body which takes a toll with me being this way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow myself to exist within a default state of being ‘frantic’, ‘hectic’ and ‘stressed’ and that I have accepted this state as ‘normal’ and as positive even because I within it am acutely aware (or conscious rather) of my environment and what needs to be done.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a belief and through that an acceptance that being in this state is the same as being efficient and ‘on point’ – not realizing that I am using my emotions to conduct myself ‘effectively’ and that this is not real efficiency but in fact being in a constant state of ‘emergency/alarm’ which places immense pressure on my body and which affects other people around me and cause me to act frantically in moments rather than with calm and stability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this state of being for granted to the point where I do not even notice it as being consequential but instead have defined it as something positive within seeing myself as ‘getting things done’, ‘being on point’ and ‘being alert’ to potential ‘dangers’ and consequences that may emerge – not realizing that I can do this WITHOUT being in this emotional state
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist stopping and stepping out of this emotional state of being frantic because I fear and believe that I won’t be as alert and that ‘bad things will happen’ if I am not in this state of constant emergency/on guard
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and defend my resistance to letting go of this state of being within thinking and believing that “no one else is paying attention to the potential dangers” and within my mind bring up memories of moments where others were not ‘on guard’ and where I in my mind ‘saved the day’ because I was on guard and so use this to justify why this state of being is ‘positive’ and ‘good’ and why I should thereby stay in it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to positively compare myself to others that I judge negatively as being ‘too relaxed’, ‘lazy’, ‘inconsiderate’ and within that justify my state of emergency as being ‘necessary’ and something that I have to do/be in because “no one else will do it” and so within that see and define myself as a ‘hero’, and as superior to others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that it is possible to be ‘effective’, ‘on point’ and ‘alert’ WITHOUT being emotional or frantic or hectic and that by taking the emotion out of it I can actually be much more effective and also be more supportive to my own body as well as to others that I have to work/interact with as I have seen/met/experienced people who are alert/on point/effective who are completely calm and relaxed at the same time, thereby proving that it is not necessary to be in fear to be alert towards danger/potential consequences
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in taking it personally when I see/hear/experience others reacting to me being stressed/frantic/hectic within seeing and perceiving them as misunderstanding me and judging me when they are in fact making very accurate observations about me that then is followed by reactions that I then react to and therefore do not see behind and see myself within and through
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the fact that others react to me as a justification to not look at myself in self-honesty and consider whether there are actually something in their words for me to consider
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of believing that I have to hold my entire reality/environment within my mind’s attention, where I frantically consider everything (I think) constantly and then think that this is being ‘considerate’ when I am in fact doing so within a state of fear, where I think and believe that if I do not desperately hold onto everything in my mind’s attention something might go wrong and it will be on me because I am the only one who considers everything
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider that my reality/environment is always here with me and therefore I don’t have to hold onto it in my mind’s attention but can learn to trust myself to see/be attentive when needed and to practice bringing things in and out of my awareness while it still being here – but without me going into fear and panic about it and without me trying to control it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use as an excuse within my mind that I have to keep an eye on my external reality because no one else will to justify not having to be with or feel or experience myself, my body or what goes on within me and to even take this to a point of believing that I am doing good by sacrificing myself and my body to take care of things in my external reality as were I a martyr
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within a state of being ‘scattered’ in my mind because I hold myself in a constant firm grip of attention in my mind on all the things in my environment that could possible require my attention/action to the point where I am barely able to rest even at night because I have contained myself in a state of being constantly alert/in emergency
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow my body to be in a constant state of stress and distress due to me constantly being in a state of emergency alertness and I forgive myself that I haven’t pushed myself to stabilize and calm myself because I have accepted this state as ‘good’ and ‘positive’ within feeling protected by my own fear
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe that if I let go of my grip of attention in my mind I will loose control over my reality, not realizing that I have never had control in the first place and that the control I’ve believed myself to have was an illusion I created in my own mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge people who react to me negatively when I am in this state of emergency alertness and to within that believe that they are misunderstanding me and misinterpreting me rather than actually look at whether there is a point of truth behind their reaction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and hold onto a positive judgment of myself as being a ‘responsible’ person when being responsible is in fact so much more than being in a state of constant emergency alertness, a state that is necessary only in a few critical situations but that isn’t required as a constant approach to dealing with reality in its entirety
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot trust myself to take care of things and see what needs to be done if I am not in this constant state of emergency alertness and that I can not trust others either and therefore have to have a grip of control of everything around me – not realizing that by trying to manage things in my mind and through bringing my body into a state of emergency I am not optimally taking responsibility for myself or the world around me
When and as I see myself go into a movement of rushing with my body where I am in my mind gripping on all the things around me that I believe I should be alert about, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that this emergency state is only needed in actually moments of emergency and that it is not needed in most situations and I realize that being stable and calm and taking time to consider what needs to be done is a more optimal way of taking responsibility and ensuring that I see everything that needs to be seen.
I realize that I have been affecting others by being frantic and hectic, contributing to causing reactions and stress within them and also within my own physical body causing my body to not function at an optimal capacity because I have forced it to be in a constant state of distress.
I commit myself to practice being calm and stable and I commit myself to utilize breathing to calm myself and to connect with and get in touch with my body so as to cross-reference ‘where I am’ within myself and whether I am actually HERE within the moment
I commit myself to utilize the cross-reference from others reacting to me as a gift that I can use to check whether I have in fact calmed and stabilized myself or whether I am allowing myself to become frantic and distressed and so correct myself in the moment by breathing to stabilize myself
I commit myself to let go of the emergency alertness state as a default state I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and to only utilize it for actual emergency situations and instead push myself to be calm, focused and stable as a general expression of myself