Every day we wake up in/as our human physical bodies. We dress our bodies with fabric made from the earth and we walk around on our feet in a house with walls and a floor. That is reality. That is fact.
At the same time there is a ‘reality’ on top of the real reality that is like a layer, a filter on top of everything. There can even be multiple at these at the same time or they can change and shift from moment to moment.
Some are entirely personal, for example in how we create certain associations and emotions towards certain items in our home or towards the way the light hits the curtains in the afternoon which makes us nostalgic because it reminds us of our grandmother’s curtains growing up.
Others are more cultural in the sense that they are (tacitly or not) agreed upon standards in a society, a family or a group of people. This could be the idea that it is wrong to sleep in or that fat people are lazy or that blondes have more fun.
According to such ideas and polarity charged judgments (either positive or negative), we then create ideas about ourselves and each other and even go as far as define and experience ourselves accordingly and take actions based on these filters.
One such filter was triggered for me when my partner got a new job, which meant that he moved up in his career and amongst other things started to wear a suit. I on the other hand are at a different place when it comes to work as I have several different projects going, am starting my own company which isn’t yet up and running and I am working from home. My partner and I have thus gone from a situation where he was studying and I was working full time outside the house to now find ourselves in a situation that could easily be defined as ‘traditional’ and ‘gender unequal’.
It is kind like when something bad happens and although you are stable, you start thinking that you’re supposed to react in a certain way because that’s the ‘norm’ and then you literally create/talk yourself into the reaction. Another example can be where others keep telling you how bad it is and you then start thinking that they are right.
In reality, my partner simply got a new job where he’s required to wear a suit. But because I apparently have some subconscious reactions towards men in suits, it becomes much more than what it really is – in my mind.
The thoughts that have started coming up are thoughts of inferiority and inequality, that I am not good enough, that I don’t deserve my partner or my life, specifically because I am not being as productive in the workforce as I used to be, and specifically triggered by my partner ‘moving up in the world’.
What is really strange is that one can go from seeing oneself as a valuable member of society in one moment and then something in one’s situation change, let’s say one is fired, and suddenly one sees oneself in an entirely different light.
At the same time, it is not the first time this experience has come up within me, in fact I remember how I had similar experiences with a past partner whom I also saw as ‘too good for me’. And even more interesting, this polarity-game of ‘class’ is something that I know to be a staple in my family, at least on my mother’s side. There’s been a fixation with position in society. My grandmother was very proud because one of our ancestors was of royal blood. But the dark side of that coin is that it was a chambermaid who had sex with a noble man and got impregnated by him. So that is the edge of the sword that we walk in my family, and who knows how far back it goes.
And looking back, I somehow created this idea of myself as being from an inferior class and that I was doomed to a life of low-wage slave labor and that I would never make anything more of myself besides that. For many years it was what I feared and dreaded the most.
But now I have suddenly gotten the opportunity (to some degree via my partner’s profession) to ‘rise in the ranks’ of social class – and it has had quite an adverse affect on me. It is like it, to my mind, is beyond belief, beyond anything that I could’ve ever dreamed of and I go into a deep fear of losing it, despite KNOWING that I would still be the same, that I would still be able to walk my process.
I’ve gotten the opportunity to live a life that I had never even imagined and because of cultural programming I feel like I’m not good enough for it and because of the pattern of never having more than I can stand to loose, I fear loosing it. At the same time there is a REAL physical reality in which none of this is true, where my partner and I are equals, where I am working on creating an independent life for myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to throw myself as a moth to the flame towards the experience of being inferior and not good enough based on accepting the premise of being inferior to my partner as being real and valid, not realizing how I am allowing myself to get caught up by cultural symbolism and allowing it to dictate and define who I am and how my life is
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing my partner in a suit because I associate men in suits with a superior social class that I’ve experienced myself as inferior to in the past, and instead of directing this on the spot, allow it to fester and grow within me, until it became an outright possession where I consciously believed it to be true and endorsed it as such
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself to see that what I am looking at is merely my partner in a suit, a man in a suit – which is a particular form of clothing and that this form of clothing does not make the person standing in front of me superior to me or me inferior to them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am doomed/destined to live a mediocre and inferior life scraping by and never being able to advance or expand myself because I am apparently born into a certain class within which I won’t ever be able to escape from – when in fact my life have never been in a box or a certain course and even when/if it was≤, this was an illusion in which I was only bound by my own acceptance of its validity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself in awareness to assess whether what I am seeing or not is real or not and to, when I see that it is not ensure that I correct myself immediately so that I do not end up going into a possession and start living based on a false view of reality because I accept that what I see through my mind is real
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize or understand the power I have to define and decide who to be – at least to a certain extent given the circumstances, and that when I accept something as true/real, then that is what I will be living according to and so manifest my life based on – not realizing or taking responsibility for NOT accepting myself as inferior or not good enough, but to stand by and stand with myself and have my own back in terms of bringing myself back to reality and to who I am here
When and as I see that I shift inside myself from being here in the physical doing my thing to get triggered by something I see/hear/think I immediately take a breath and direct the point inside myself by doing a self-forgiveness statement and a self-corrective statement so as to bring myself back here. I realize that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automatically go with the triggers that I am exposed to on a daily basis without giving them direction and that this is why I end up in a full-blown possession where I fully believe that what I’ve reacted to in my mind is real I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to automatically allow myself to be triggered and I commit myself to direct myself when I am triggered and so prevent myself from going into a possession
When and as I see that I am accepting myself to participate in thoughts of being inferior to my partner based on class-symbols, I stop and I breathe. I realize that by participating in class-symbols I validate them as real and true and thereby give them my support and condolence, when I in fact know that they are not real or valid and that they only serve to induce inequality and separation between, and within people. I realize that I have a responsibility to myself and to everyone else to not accept or allow myself to be influenced or defined by the preprogrammed layers of value that we’ve placed on top of physical reality, to separate us from each other and ourselves. I commit myself to remind myself that, just like my body is not an image in my mind but a real living organism without polarized value, so is my life and who I am not defined by any polarized value-systems based on cultural symbols. I commit myself to take responsibility for remaining grounded and clear in not getting caught up in mental illusions.