I have come to realize that the common denominator of many of the points I have struggled to change consistently in my process is my body. For quite some time I have been looking at why it is that I have struggled so much when it comes to my body. I looked at how I experience it inside myself and I felt like a major ‘wall’ of resistance but it was not just resistance; it was a distinct experience of me pushing back, like a “Hell no” inside myself – a very specific emotional experience of going “pfft, I am not having any of this.”
This quite surprised me because it was not exactly that which I expected to find in relation to my body and specifically caring for it. So – based on this experience, I have completely pushed away anything that has to do with my body and caring for it in a complete stance of opposition and defiance.
I am quite sure where this comes from, namely from my experience of the way my mother approached my body when I was a child. So as I’ve explained in previous blogs, I had some severe allergies as a small child, causing my mother to having to restrict my diet to a somewhat extreme degree. Besides this, I always experienced her being ‘on’ me when it came to my body, in a rather invasive way and already from a young age I became oppositional and I remember feeling quite powerful when I cheated my mom and ate something I was not supposed to eat. This stood in quite stark contrast to the powerlessness I experienced when I couldn’t decide what to do with my body.
So I see that I have created an experience of opposition and defiance towards my body where I do not perceive the body as me/my own, but essentially still as something that someone else has authority and power over, and so only by doing what I did as a child, do I retain a form of ‘freedom’ and ‘control’ over my body – which in many cases has to do with doing the opposite of what society tells me is ‘best’ or ‘healthy’.
This ‘body oppositional defiant disorder’ has become a sort of ‘religion of self’ from the perspective that I see that I have followed it rather religiously in the sense of following as a ‘doctrine’ where, even when I didn’t want to – I forced myself to.
The point in its entirety boils down to a point of separation where I’ve separated myself from my body and see the body as a separate entity that stands in the way of my happiness, freedom and enjoyment OR that I can use for my happiness, freedom and enjoyment based on certain beliefs and ideas. It is an experience from childhood that the body is supposed to be me/my own, but because someone else (namely adults/my mother/societal standards) has authority over it, because they decide what is best for it – – the only way to ‘regain’ authority over my body, is by doing the opposite with it as what they’ve dictated and that then equates with ‘freedom’.
I also see that this is what I have been fearing to lose or give up which is why this oppositional body defiant disorder is something that I’ve not yet changed or let go of; because I within it perceive myself as having control and authority over my body and so myself and fear that if I were to give it up, I would lose my sovereignty and I would once again be under the authority of someone else – – – not realizing that this is exactly what I am now, only it is the mind of a child that dictates what I do with my body and who I am in relation to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a oppositional body defiant disorder where I exist in a state of resistance towards my body and towards doing what is best for my body, because I have equated that ‘best’ with others having authority over my body and so over me and thereby with a loss of freedom and self-control.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards doing anything that is best for my body, because I have accepted and allowed myself to equate that ‘best’ with external health doctrines that I believe to be faulty and limiting and enslaving and where someone else wants to dictates what I should do with my body based on their own beliefs about health and so when I do not give in to these, I perceive myself as self-empowering, as free and as in control of my own body – instead of realizing that I am actually following the mind I developed as a child where my wants and preferences are what they were when I was a child and so I am anything but free when it comes to my body.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with the body that I am in/as, as a burden, as an external vessel that I am forced to live in/with but that is restricting and limiting my movement/living, because of rules that others have made that I don’t accept as real and that I believe that I can overcome by defying them or living according to them, instead of realizing that I am existing in a physical universe with certain ground rules that might be limiting but that doesn’t define me and that when I defy them, the ultimate consequence is that I cannot participate or be a part of this life, because I don’t take care of myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and experience resistance towards anything that by society is considered ‘healthy’ because I associate ‘healthy’ with “someone else deciding/having control over my body” and thereby with a loss of freedom/happiness/enjoyment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become unable to make self-directive decisions about what supports me and my body and what does not, because I have created myself into a stance of polarization and separation where I cannot assess things for myself but always relate them to an external authority enforcing things upon me, whether or not they are in fact supportive for me or not
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be against my body and against my body’s needs because I perceive/experience my body and the decisions made for/about my body as belonging to someone else outside of me and so because of this have abdicated all responsibility for my body in an attempt to regain control/power/authority over it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive judgment/association with everything that is considered ‘unhealthy’ in society where I perceive it as a gateway to freedom/self-authority BECAUSE it is in opposition to what I am being told is best/healthy
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as doing the opposite of what I am being told, when in fact that is not freedom as I am then always acting in opposition to something without ever being able to make decisions based on common sense self-support
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I do something that is the opposite of what I am being told is healthy or good for my body because I within acting oppositional think/believe/feel that I am empowering myself, freeing myself and taking the authority back over my own body, when I in fact only acted in opposition and not in any form of common sense consideration or care for myself or my body
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create fuzzy logic equations in my mind that I am following like doctrine such as ‘opposition = freedom’ specifically based on how I looked at/thought about things as a child where my mental capacities were very limited and one-dimensional and that I still follow today as a subconscious religion that is governing me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand and exist in opposition to my body where my body has become a symbol of enslavement and force because of how I experienced my body not belonging to me as a child and how I created the perception of my body as belonging to someone else and at the same time reacted towards this and turned against my body in perceiving the body as the culprit of my experience of being repressed by adults/authorities in my environment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never stand with/within/as my body in equality because I have always to some extent seen/judged my body as a burden, a ‘dead-weight’, a limitation and hindrance to me living absolute freedom and happiness and enjoyment, which I defined as a child as ‘doing what I want without consequences’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that just because my body does not belong to someone else, it does not mean that I then have the right to do with my body whatever I want to – because the body is not a piece of property; it is in fact that which allows me to live, that which is life, that which I am not the owner of but by the grace of which I am able to even be here, that which I am a part of, that which is a part of me, an interconnected part of me, just like the earth without which I couldn’t exist or live – but that is not my property, that I am not the owner of
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is very difficult for me, near impossible to change this habit/pattern of resisting to do what is best for my body and so for myself when in fact it is a matter of pushing through resistance which is no different from pushing through any other point of resistance
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I must continue to stand in opposition to what is considered standardized health advice because I know that it is to a large degree not true/real and so I fear that I would be giving in to a point of brainwashing were I to follow certain health beliefs and I fear losing the freedom that I’ve perceived myself as having by not following these beliefs – instead of realizing that I can be IN the system but not OF the system and that I can cross-reference with my body as to what is best for it on an individual level
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience a strong resistance and fear towards starting to do what is best for my body, because I associate that with a loss of freedom, believing that my life will become constricted and restricted and boring if I cannot “do what I want” – instead of realizing that what I am living currently is just as restricted and limited because I am still following a doctrine, only it is a doctrine I’ve made up in my mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I’ve created something in my own mind that it then IS me and to then resist giving it up because I fear I would lose a part of me – instead of realizing that I have not really created myself as I’ve been reacting all this time
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that changing this pattern is not a matter of changing it on an absolute level as a one-time decision and then if I were to fall it didn’t work and I have to give up – instead of realizing that what matters is in-the-moment practical correction and decision where I in the moment make a different decision from my usual pattern and that when I fall and revert back to the pattern, to realign myself to common sense self-support
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty because I have not been a very good caretaker of my physical body and within this feel and believe that I do not deserve the body – instead of utilizing seeing this to make a decision to change myself, as feeling guilty about it is ironically equally having destructive effects on the body
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel confused and unclear as to ‘who’s’ the body is and who I am in/as my relationship with the body, within how I on one hand have perceived the body as a ‘vessel’ that I am the owner of and that I can therefore do with as I want and on the other hands as a piece of life that belongs to life and that doesn’t have anything to do with me and that therefore isn’t ‘mine’ – instead of realizing that this conflict is a mental one based in separation as everything that is here, including the body IS me and as such IS my responsibility.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the body is not ‘mine’ as that would be a point of separation and superiority where I perceive the body as an object that is separate from me and that ‘mine’ would indicate a point of mind, that the body is then the mind’s – which is what I’ve been living all this time, where the decisions I’ve made for the body are based on beliefs/ideas/desires/fears/ideas, instead of realizing that the body is an expression of myself and within the body is the potential for the creation of self as life as the physical is life – and as such, I have yet to discover who ‘I am’ AS the body, where the decisions I make for the body are decisions I make for myself, as an expression of life.
When and as I am presented with the possibility of ingesting (eating or drinking) food or a drink, I stop myself and I take a breath and ground myself here and check within my body whether this food or drink is supportive for me in this moment and thereby bypass/change my default mechanism which is to rather look within the mind as to whether I will be acting in opposition to what I’ve believed to be repression and thereby ingest the food/drink in defiance
When and as I see that I am experiencing resistance/pulling back within me towards eating/drinking a particular food/drink specifically because it is something that I’ve judged negatively as being ‘healthy’ and thereby ‘boring/restrictive/repressive’ – I stop and I breathe. I assess whether this food or drink would be supportive for me at this time based on cross-referencing with my physical body
When and as I see that I am experiencing a desire/push within me towards eating or drinking something, specifically because it is something that I’ve judged positively as being ‘not following the rules’ and thereby being ‘free/fun/rebellious/empowering’ I stop and I breathe. I assess whether or not this food or drink would support me within my physical body and make a decision accordingly.
I realize that I have created a polarized relationship to food where I have judged everything that is considered health as negative (in this specific context at least) and everything that is unhealthy as positive specifically because I felt unfairly restricted and repressed as a child and related this to the division between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food – which I have then since refused to adhere to and thereby have believed myself to be ‘more free’ because I believed I was making my own decisions when in fact my decisions were always made in opposition as a reaction and were thus anything but free.
I realize that I’ve created my own restrictive and repressive regime where I only allowed myself to like and prefer and eat food that is considered unhealthy and where I disliked and felt resistant towards eating anything that was considered healthy, as though the food when taking it in were some kind of magic that would change my world/self either into something positive or negative. It is quite interesting that something like broccoli can be considered ‘boring’ when broccoli is actually a very interesting vegetable, but I was looking at it from the mind of a child, judging it as being ‘tasteless’ compared to high-intense taste foods such as condiments and sugary foods and salty and fat foods.
I commit myself to start walking a process of developing a relationship with my body from a starting-point of self-care and self-support where my relationship with my body is my relationship with me, and where my decisions and preferences are not based on the mind, but on caring for myself as the body as life
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