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bully cowardIt is interesting how we, as we grow up and start interacting with others and form relationships and observe how others interact, develop certain coping/survival mechanisms and socialization skills, often based on specific cultural traditions.

 

I have grown up surrounded by what I would define as ‘strong women’ – particularly in the sense of women who were very ‘sharp’ and direct in their expression. I have grown up being used to very high intensity discussions whether the subject involved discussing politics or relationship issues.

To me this has been completely normal and nothing something I have ever questioned. On the contrary, I have looked up to many of these women in my life and I have most definitely feared them too. I early on decided that I wanted to (and had to) become like them to get by, to be able to keep up in discussions and hold my ground when necessary.

Now, my partner on the other hand has grown up in a culture where people speak more indirectly with each other and not as confrontational as I have. As such, it hasn’t been until I met my partner and had discussions with him that I started considering that maybe this ‘fierce direct’ way of discussing is not what is best for all.

As I have been observing myself in discussions with my partner, but also from time to time with other people, I have noticed this ‘character’ or ‘discussion style’ that I will go into, which on the outside presents itself as a form of superiority. It is a direct imitation of how I perceived the ‘strong women’ in my life when I saw and heard them having discussions as a child. I will speak fast paced, loud and sharp and there will be a clear element of tearing about the other person’s argument.

This then stands is stark contrast to another character that I wrote about recently where the coping mechanism in discussions will be to go into self-victimization and inferiority. With this character however, an offense is the best defense and I have noticed how I will particularly go into it when I perceive the other person being ‘morally wrong’ or ‘deliberate’ in their actions/words or if I perceive them as ‘bullshitting’ or being ‘deceptive’.

Here are some other blogs I have written on this topic:

So that will be the justification that I make in my mind as to why it is righteous and justified – and even required – for me to go into this character.

But the thing is, I have enjoyed embodying the idea of what a ‘strong woman’ is. When going into this character/trait I feel myself becoming very focused and ‘straight’ within myself, very ‘clear’ and analytical and well spoken. Obviously this character is also a polarity companion to the inferiority character, where the aim is to assert or elevate myself from the experience of inferiority.

Until I met my partner, I had never realized the effect that me going into this character can potentially have on another. When I started realizing it, my mind went back to memories of situations with other people that I virtually ‘steamrolled’ through being extremely assertive and confrontational in discussions.

It is so tempting when you think and believe that you are right, to justify this way of speaking to others and often it will be ‘successful’ from the perspective of the other person simply giving up and giving in or feeling so defeated or inferior that they’ll agree just to get your off their back.

What I am seeing is that how I have perceived and defined what a ‘strong’ woman is, is not actually what it means to be a strong woman, nor to be direct or assertive in a discussion. Because since joining Desteni I have seen and spoken to strong women, who are assertive and direct, but who do not steamroll, spite, judge or overpower others to get their perspective across.

So this character is not the expression of what it means to be strong or direct or assertive in fact. It is a character that I have created as an imitation based on expressions I saw growing up that, at the time were the only reference I had to what it means to be strong and assertive.

As I was growing up these females surrounded me, I remember almost always experiencing fear towards them. I feared that they would crush me or penetrate me with the sharpness and harshness of their words. At some point I decided to become like that, to rather participate in the crushing than being crushed myself. And while I still felt the fear underneath it all, I also felt empowered in finally being able to ‘play along’.

Now however I see that it is time to put this character to rest. It has served its purpose and it is no longer whom or what I want to be, live or express myself as.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe females in my life as a child whom I perceived to be strong, assertive and direct because of how they expressed themselves in discussions and go into a massive fear towards them within myself, in fearing that they would crush me with their words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a decision to emulate the women that I saw growing up so as to rather be on their side than being crushed by the weight of their words in experiencing myself as inferior and weak towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that spiting, judging, overpowering and steamrolling someone in a discussion is the same as being ‘strong’, ‘assertive’ and ‘direct’ – when in fact it is not and instead comes from a starting-point of superiority, bullying and ego where one is justifying one’s behavior from a starting-point of blame and judgment projected towards another person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel empowered and good about myself when I step into this persona/character because of how I feel myself becoming ‘clear’ and ‘sharp’ and how I can speak and analyze fast – not realizing that this is not real empowerment, nor is it real sharpness or clarity, because I am literally ‘IN character’ and thus not expressing myself as who I am unconditionally within unconditional support and common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whenever I am EXPERIENCING something, like experiencing empowerment or experiencing clarity or sharpness, it is not an actual real expression of who I am but an interpretation thereof – which for instance is based on seeing/perceiving women as strong and assertive in my childhood and then trying to emulate that

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the primary experience I had when listening to the ‘strong women’ of my past was that of fear and petrification, of feeling intimidated and bullied and inferiorized and then I took it personally and judged myself as being weak as well as others who I saw reacted in fear as being weak and decided to see/define this point of intimidating others verbally as something positive and admirable that I wanted to have/develop for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated and fearful towards women who express themselves verbally aggressive, not realizing that another’s words cannot hurt me or influence me, unless I agree to the premise that they can

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand stable within myself when speaking with women whom I perceive to be verbally aggressive and mean and bullying – in realizing that they are not inside of me, they are not physically hurting me and therefore, they cannot harm me or influence me with their words – unless I agree to being influenced and create an experience of being harmed within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see intimidating others with my words as a positive and empowering thing to do because of how I came to invert my reaction as a child and take it personal and judge myself as being weak for ‘not getting it’ or for being fearful – – instead of seeing/realizing that making others fear you/intimidating them is NOT the same as being strong/powerful and that I within that moment, misinterpreted the situation and therefore misaligned myself accordingly – to actually escape an experience of myself as being weak and soft

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself and to feel proud of myself when I embraced the women who I felt intimidated by, and instead of shying away from them in fear and trepidation, I learned from them and looked up to them and learned how to communicate with them and within that felt and experienced that they accepted me and embraced me and thereby saw me as valuable which made me see myself as valuable, but underneath it all was always the fear/belief/self-judgment that I am inherently ‘weak and soft’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become the embodiment of the expression “If you can’t beat them, join them” as a survival mechanism through and within which I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself out of fear by becoming like people I felt abused and intimidated by because I feared even more standing up to them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately place myself on the side of these women that I perceived to be intimidating and to deliberately agree with them and see things from their side of view – and in fact participate in belittling and intimidating others JUST SO that they would not intimidate and belittle me and I didn’t have to feel weak and soft and inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have come to define ‘assertiveness’ and ‘directness’ and ‘clear talk’ as being the same as intimidating and steamrolling others verbally and thereby generate an experience within myself of being superior, empowered and powerful when in fact, actual assertiveness, directness, and clarity within speaking has nothing to do with influencing others – which goes to show how and where I’ve misaligned my definition of these words/expressions because of how I felt influenced by women as a child and how I didn’t like/judged how I felt – and instead of stopping my experience, instead of standing by myself in stability and integrity in not accepting or allowing myself to be bullied – or to let others be bullied – decided to become a bully myself because I turned my reaction against myself as something negative and made what I felt influenced by into something positive in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am assertive, direct and clear within my communication with others as an unconditional expression of myself where I stand equal to/with another, the aim/purpose is to empower and support another to stand up within themselves

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that steamrolling, intimidating, belittling and inferiorizing others is never valid or righteous and is NOT an expression of strength or assertiveness, but in fact an act of veiled cowardice – and this is no matter how unreasonable or delusional or deliberate the other person may be, because if another is unreasonable or delusional or deliberate, it simply means that they are caught within the mind’s thrust and are acting/living out certain survival mechanisms that they’ve learned growing up and within seeing that – I have a responsibility to assist and support them in equality to empower themselves and stand up within themselves – – – and NOT to use my own survival mechanisms against them to create a positive experience within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not forgive the women in my life whom I have perceived as bullying, intimidating and steamrolling for what they accepted and allowed within/as themselves and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to instead blame them and hold them accountable for my experience of feeling intimidated and my emulating them and becoming like them – which I realize now is how these dysfunctional and destructive behaviors gets transferred from one generation to the next and as such it is 100 % my responsibility to stop the cycle from repeating itself by stopping this behavior in myself and becoming a living example of what it means to live assertiveness, directness and clarity within supporting others unconditionally in equality to assist them to empower themselves

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I am in a discussion with someone and I see myself gathering myself in my face on a resonant level, where I become ‘straight’ and ‘slim’ within my body where all my focus is on the front side of my body and my face and mouth in particular and I become aware of my mouth and how there is a self-infatuation with hearing myself speak and how sharp my words are, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this particular physical change is an activation point for me going into the ‘steamrolling’ character.

I realize that I have created the steam rolling character as a survival mechanism that I’ve used to get out of/escape an experience of fearing to be/judging myself as being inferior, weak and soft and cowardice when it comes to being in discussions with others, where I try to empower myself by being abusive and intimidating towards others to literally ‘overpower’ them with my words

I realize that this is an entirely unacceptable behavior and that I through accepting and allowing myself to participate within it, create potential detrimental consequences in the lives of others when I belittle and intimidate and inferiorize others veiled as ‘support’ and justified by seeing them as ‘ignorant’ or ‘deliberate’ or ‘delusional’ and thereby believing that I have a right to steamroll them to ‘get the point’

I realize that supporting others is about supporting them to empower themselves and stand up within themselves and that being direct, assertive and sharp can be a supportive expression – if I am clear within myself and my starting-point and am not emulating what I think is strength, but rather stand within an unconditional expression within myself with the aim of supporting another in equality and care and consideration for them and where they are in their life/process

I commit myself to redefine what it means to be assertive, direct, sharp and clear in my communication with others – not as expressions aimed at influencing others by intimidating them to feel better about myself, but as expressions of who I am within my words in clearly seeing what is going on in a moment or within another, in being sharp and assertive and clear from the perspective of being specific and to the point, of assisting another to cut through any veils of self-deception that may be clouding them from seeing clearly – but as something I speak/live with absolute care and consideration and never take for granted or assume, but that I take absolute responsibility for and stand within self-honesty about – where I stand with another in equality so that we may assist each other and ourselves to remove the veils of delusion from our eyes/minds so that we can see and live that which is best for All

I commit myself to learn from the example of the women who I have in my life know who do stand within/as expressions of assertiveness, clarity, sharpness and directness in their communication – but who do not intimidate or bully others, who do not steamroll others through going into reactions of ego and superiority, but who uses their strength to assist others to empower themselves, to de-veil themselves from self-deception and to stand up to become their utmost potential.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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