In my world there is a specific person who, when I see them/meet them trigger a set of strong reactions within me. These reactions have been ongoing for quite some time and despite working with this point through writing and self-forgiveness, certain reactions still come up when I see the person/hear them speak. I already know what the nature of the reactions are about, namely jealousy – however because I have already investigated my reactions in detail and because they keep coming up, there are still dimensions that I am not seeing.
So I will here utilize a method that was once suggested to me by a friend, which is to, when there is a person in our world towards whom we experience reactions, to hold them within ourselves and unconditionally embrace them. We can do that through using our imagination constructively and literally imagine that we’re holding the person in our arms and for example give them a hug.
If we cannot unconditionally hold the person within us and embrace them, it means that there are still points of separation existent within ourselves, projected onto the other person, signified by the fact that we resist bringing them close to us/being near them.
So – when I did this with this particular person just now, I experienced how I wanted to push them away, quite aggressively actually, like I don’t want to embrace them or hold them inside myself. The reason for this – obviously within the ‘ fuzzy logic’ of the mind, is that this person is ‘shining a light’ that is ‘too bright’. There’s a resistance and resentment towards the ‘light’ of this person and by light I mean how I see them living and expressing their potential. There’s also within this a refusal to recognize this ‘light’ and this is where I have engaged in backchat in the past, of discrediting the person within my mind and finding faults within/about them, so as to literally ‘dim’ the brightness of their light shining in my eyes when I see them.
Now – what must be understood here is that whenever such reactions of jealousy comes up towards another person, it is indicating that the other person is living/representing parts of myself that I have not yet lived/stepped into and that I am then separating myself from. So when I react in jealousy towards them – as implied by the nasty backchat of wanting to ‘take them down’ within my mind and literally ‘dim’ their ‘light’ – it is because I believe that they have something that I don’t have, that they are ‘overshadowing’ me, that they have taken my light from me – – – all the while, my reaction doesn’t have anything to do with them in fact. It is all about an internal relationship with myself, where I stand in/as separation from the parts of myself that I see reflected in another.
So, from a certain perspective it is ‘good news’ – because it means that I see my own potential. The ‘bad news’ is that I see it as separate from me, in another – and instead of celebrating their expression and potential and learning from them, I actually diminish myself and prevent myself from expanding myself to live the potential that I see in them, by deliberately diminishing them in my mind to feel better about myself.
A nice point of reference and ‘evidence’ for us to see/understand/realize that it isn’t really personal or about the person towards whom we’ve projected these reactions, is to consider that for example in my case, the people towards whom I experience such reactions, tends to be female. The fact that I am a female and react mostly towards other females shows that there is a point of identification/mirroring and recognition happening. If you are a male, you can have a look at whether you tend to experience such reactions more towards other males. Obviously there can be other dimensions factoring in as well so it is not to make this a ‘set in stone rule’ if you for example happen to be a male reacting to a female or vice versa.
Secondly, because this exact reaction is something I’ve experienced previously towards other females in my life, it makes it obvious that it is not something personal about this particular person. In fact, I’ve experienced people towards whom I had particular reactions exit my life, only to experience the exact same reactions towards someone else.
So what matters here is the pattern of reaction in and of itself. And what is relevant about patterns is that they are ‘modes’ that can be ‘copied’ or regularly repeated as a constellation of points that connect and form a certain shape. Just like we have geometrical patterns in nature and in science, so do we have patterns in how our minds are wired/structured.
The ‘good news’ about this is that it means that it can be examined/investigated and so accordingly deconstructed, because there is a regularity and predictability in how the pattern is structured. The ‘bad news’ is that patterns can be described as ‘closed models of repetition’, which means that we tend to time-loop in them, which is what I have done with this particular pattern.
So for example – if an “if-this-then-that” equation has been established where, when I have a relationship towards a person who exhibits this or that quality, then I react like this. And it happens over and over again, like a closed circuit that, once you are in it – you are locked into it. The only way to ‘get out’ is by dismantling the pattern from within.
So that is what I will be doing here through self-forgiveness. For the purposes of writing these points out, I will use the abbreviation X for the person about whom I am referring. Like I mentioned previously, it doesn’t matter who it is – because what matters are the patterns that are triggered and so ‘X’ can literally be anyone.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react whenever I see X, within an experience of wanting to pull myself back and wanting to push X away and not have anything to do with X
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience and perceive that X is ‘stealing my thunder’ – not realizing that it was not my ‘thunder’, there wasn’t any thunder, and the fact that I can even see it this way, indicates that I am looking at the world from within a starting-point of ego and self-interest, where I’m seeing/experiencing myself as the ‘center of the universe’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to activate and trigger an experience of resentment within myself when I see and hear X
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to activate and trigger backchat within myself towards/about X where I deliberately diminish X in my mind by finding faults about X – to justify my experience of resentment and resistance towards X and to place X in a position of inferiority within myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by X and what X stands for and what X has done with their life and within that go on the defense within myself in triggering backchat of blaming/judging X as being superior so that I can pull X down within myself in an attempt to not feel threatened by X so that if I pull X down, I create a delusion of ‘equality/neutrality’ in my mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that diminishing X in my mind and pulling X down in my mind by deliberately judging/blaming/resenting/criticizing X is not a solution to me feeling threatened by X in feeling that I am inferior to X – and that instead, a solution would be to investigate why I feel threatened by X and why I feel inferior
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I feel small and inferior and deliberately diminish another person in my mind to feel better about myself, I am not in fact empowering myself or making myself bigger – I am diminishing myself even further by wanting to pull them down, I pull myself down – rather than investigating what it is they do and how they are and who they are that is effective, and bringing myself ‘up’ so to speak – to expand and develop my own potential through their example
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid looking at what it is about X that I find threatening – because within doing so, I believe that I would have to admit that I am less than and inferior to X – – when in fact, by diminishing X in my mind that is what I’m already doing/accepting, instead of realizing that there are aspects about X that I haven’t developed in myself and that seeing them in X actually means that I can learn from them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of resistance towards X – rather than embracing X within myself unconditionally and see and investigate how I can learn from X
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not humble myself when X is speaking/sharing/expressing and allow myself to place myself in a position of listening and learning from X – and that I instead react within a state of ego, of being jealous towards X, that X gets attention, that X stands in a position of authority and responsibility, that X expresses themselves with confidence and certainty and self-will
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide the real reason why I experience resistance and resentment towards X from myself – because I have judged myself for experiencing jealousy and spitefulness, in judging these experiences as being particularly ‘bad’ and ‘below the belt’ and that I have thus made them ‘taboos’ inside myself – which means that I’ve locked myself out from working with them and taking responsibility for them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make jealousy and spite and small-minded and egocentric backchat a taboo within my mind, through casting moralizing judgments upon these experiences within myself, and thus locking myself out from seeing/taking responsibility for myself within/as these experiences
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see/admit to myself that it is not really X that I’ve wanted to keep at a distance, but in fact that which I see that I am not living represented by X living/expressing themselves
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not live and develop authority within/as myself in standing as a leader of a group/myself in terms of taking direction and being specific with my words and in terms of moving from the personal to the inter-personal in elevating myself from a starting-point of responsibility for this existence
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately remain diminished within myself/my mind, by focusing on my personal problems and flaws and within that not stand up in confidence and self-will to direct a point with an entire group
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I see in X that I see that I haven’t yet lived, is a point of trust within self-authority and self-confidence within that, from a starting-point of taking responsibility for this existence, through what I see that I can share/contribute with/direct
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I have also seen in X that I haven’t lived within/as myself is a point of seriousness from the perspective of clearly having understood/realized what it is that we are doing here and from there, not allow myself to get caught up in self-interest or ego or emotions – but to ‘keep my eye on the ball’ so to speak, in terms of honoring my expansion in any and all moments
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anger towards X because I feel and experience that X has betrayed me and abandoned me by expanding themselves to such an extent that they are now an authority above me – and I can’t accept that, because that means that I am smaller than X – which is actually a reaction of ego, of wanting to win, be on top, be the best, where my ego in a sense has been wounded by the fact that X has expanded themselves in ways that I haven’t
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and to judge myself within/as seeing that my reaction towards X is a ‘proof’ that I haven’t expanded myself as much as X since I can still accept and allow myself to participate in such petty points of self-interest and jealousy, instead of realizing that no one can be an authority above me if we are equals and so if I perceive X as an authority above me, it means that I accept that I am inferior – which means that I justify being inferior instead of equalizing myself with X – through humbling myself to learn from X and utilize the example of X to grow and expand and develop myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel jealous towards X because X stands in a position of authority and respect in the system and because people listen to X and respects X – instead of realizing that people actually listens to me and I am already doing the same as X, in many ways we are similar and as such, the point is that I have not yet recognized or taken responsibility for this expression/point within/as myself – as a responsibility that I have to this existence and to myself, to be specific and clear and humble and to stand as an example, first and foremost to myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that X is ‘out of my league’ in terms of being so far above me that we cannot be in contact or communicate – which is something that I deep down desire to do, and so within accepting that, again diminish and inferiorize myself, instead of simply reaching out to X, contacting X and having a conversation with X
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that X wouldn’t want to talk to me because I am apparently ‘below’ them and within that go into blame and resentment towards X because I know that it isn’t supposed to be that way – – when in fact, X is not Here, I don’t know what X would say or wouldn’t say and as such, what I am experiencing is my own mind as what I’ve projected onto X
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting that what I would really like deep down is to connect with X and ask X about how they have changed and expanded themselves, so that I could learn from them, but I am too afraid to do this, because I don’t want to ‘lose face’ – seemingly towards X, but really to my mind’s eye/I – – in/through which I’ve attempted to convince myself that I am equal to X when this ‘equality’ wasn’t real and didn’t have anything to do with equality in fact, but only with ego and a desire to win, be more, be bigger, be better, be on top, be first and best
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am already equal to X – and that it is not X who is making me small or who is diminishing me, that I am the only one doing that to myself – and through this I am ‘disconnecting’ myself from X – which is actually disconnecting myself from my own potential to grow and expand
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not humble myself inside myself and dare to make myself vulnerable – and within that realize that by allowing my ego to ‘loose’ – is actually the key to self-expansion, in not trying to hold onto a delusion and illusion of grandeur about myself, but to be self-honest about who I am and where I am and what I have to learn and who I can learn it from, realizing that if there is someone who’s developed parts of themselves that I haven’t yet developed – it is actually a point to be celebrated and not feared or resented, as it means that this potential is now in creation and the fact that I can see it and recognize it, means that I too can develop it within/for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking X into myself and unconditionally embracing X and as such making myself vulnerable and exposed to X, because I fear that X would reject me and push me away and not have time for me and say that I am not good enough because X has more important people to attend to – and to within that, react towards X in my mind, in feeling hurt and rejected and become angry and resentful towards X for ‘making me feel this way’ – – not realizing that all of this is happening within my own mind, because I haven’t actually dare to reach out to X
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of being vulnerable with myself onto X – not realizing that I am the one who is rejecting myself, who is pushing myself away, within/as thinking that I have more important things to do – for example through casting moral judgments of superiority towards experiences of jealousy – instead of embracing myself in/as those experiences and supporting myself to change and take self-responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I struggle to unconditionally hold X within myself and embrace X it is actually myself I am struggling to hold and embrace unconditionally because to do that I have to expose myself and be vulnerable and naked to myself – and stand face to face with the parts of myself that I do not like and that I judge and have ‘banished’ into ‘taboo-land’ within my mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, before this process, have created a pattern of pushing the parts and aspects of myself that I didn’t like away through banishing them with judgment as ‘taboo’s – as secrets that I did not allow myself to look at or admit to myself, fully believing that this was an appropriate way to deal with aspects of myself that I saw were not acceptable or supportive – and that I still to this day hold onto this pattern because it has become my default way of dealing with my ‘bad’ and ‘dark’ sides – – not realizing that by doing so, I am locking myself out from parts of myself, that I then have no direction over and can’t change because I have abdicated responsibility by pushing them away – inside myself
When and as I see X and I see that resistance to speak to X and listen to X and look at X comes up within me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have resisted X because I have resisted facing the fact that X has developed aspects of themselves that I haven’t developed in myself and I’ve been holding onto an illusion of ‘equality’ in my mind which was actually a point of ego, where I wouldn’t admit that there are parts of myself I haven’t yet developed and that X has.
I realize that the solution is that I in the moment of being with X, breathe and remain stable within myself and breathe through the resistance until it dissipates.
When and as I see that I accept and allow myself to experience inferiority towards X, where I see X as an authority due to the nature of the conversation and the fact that X is directing it and I see that I am reacting in resentment and going into backchats of diminishing X in my mind by finding flaws about X so that I can push X away and not have to be there, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that I’ve been resenting X for my experience of inferiority – and because of this I have diminished X in my mind, to feel better about myself and be ‘on top’, as an ego reaction.
I realize that the solution to this is to humble myself and allow myself to be open and vulnerable in listening to X unconditionally and seeing what I can learn from X and X’s example.
When and as I see that I am feeling disconnected from X and feel like we are far from each other, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that this is an experience that I have created in my mind and that it is not actually real.
I realize that the solution is that I reach out to X and communicate with X.
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in a fear of being rejected by X if I were to reach out to them, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that I am projecting my own self-rejection onto X and I realize that the solution is that I push myself to be open and vulnerable and do the opposite of what fear tells me to do.
I commit myself to humble myself and through humbling myself and being vulnerable diffuse the ego that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I commit myself to listen to X when X speaks and to see what I can learn from X.
I commit myself to work on embracing X inside me and I understand that it is myself I am embracing and I commit myself to continue walking the point of being open and vulnerable with myself – through supporting myself unconditionally and to not create/perpetuate taboos by casting moral judgments on myself. I commit myself to embrace all of me. ALL of me.
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