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Being overly criticalIn this post I will be sharing a process of realization that opened up from projecting my own critical nature onto another and experiencing what it is like to be on the other side of the table.

I was in a conversation with someone where I was sharing something that I had been very satisfied with and that I immediately experienced them being extremely critical towards.

What then started coming up were flashbacks to previous conversations I had had with other people where I was the one who was extremely critical. I suddenly saw the previous conversations from the other side of the table – it was a surreal experience. It was literally as though I was in the other person’s shoes and for the first time seeing myself from the outside and how another may perceive being in a conversation with me – not a very pleasant insight.

Now – a few points to make clear here. When I say that I saw the person whom I had the conversation with being ‘extremely critical’, this was a projection. What this means is that what I was reacting to, was a ‘mirror’ of myself where what I saw in the other person was a reflection of myself.

Therefore, I do not have a clear ‘sight’ of what they did or didn’t express or why they did express it that way. It also doesn’t matter because what matters is the gift of seeing a part of myself that I hadn’t taken responsibility for.

It is important to be aware of the gift that is to be found in projecting ourselves onto others, because it gives us an insight into parts of ourselves that we have suppressed or separated ourselves from to such a degree that we often wouldn’t have seen it, had we not seen ourselves in the mirror of other people. It is obviously not the most ‘pleasant’ gift when we see parts of ourselves that we would have rather not seen (which is why we suppressed and separated ourselves from it in the first place) in another – it is nonetheless a gift.

What I am most grateful for is that I was able to place myself directly in the shoes of another person who had been on the ‘receiving end’ of my critique because I now found myself being on the other side of the table in the discussion and could suddenly see the situation from an entirely different perspective.

Until then, I hadn’t realized how it had affected (or potentially affected) the other person and I had in fact not cared, because I had reacted/responded within a state of superiority as ego within myself where I had seen it as righteous for me to come into the conversation with an extremely critical point of view.

I could suddenly see the impact of me bring that critical perspective into a conversation and how much I had missed because of it, especially in terms of the other person being very open, constructive and embracing towards the subject we were speaking about.

Now – what I would also like to share is that none of what I am sharing here is ‘black and white’, meaning that it is not a question of being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. In fact there are several relevant dimensions to consider, so I am not saying that being critical in general is ‘wrong’ or that we should not bring a critical perspective into our conversations with other people.

What I have however realized is that being constructive and embracing in our interactions with others, being humble and seeing what gifts a certain point or subject can bring, is the most supportive. Being critical just for the sake of being critical, because it induces an experience of superiority is most certainly not supportive.

So I am grateful that I had this opportunity to see my own critical nature from the outside, because now I can open this aspect of myself up, explore it and make a directive decision as to how I will communicate with others in the future and what approach or perspective is most supportive to come into a situation with.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react when I perceived someone as being extremely critical towards something that I was embracing towards, because this a) confronted me with my own critical nature and b) because I am not used to being on the other side of that polarity, as being the one who is embracing as I have long identified myself as being critical and skeptical and always being cautious towards ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ of embracing something new and so within this situation the roles was reversed and that triggered my fear of being naïve and so manipulated and so being inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge another as being overly critical and thereby ‘ruining’ my moment of sharing a supportive perspective, when I could have simply shared my perspective and stood by it, regardless of what another person is seeing/sharing – as their perspective should not influence mine if I stand clear in self-honesty about what I see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply embrace, celebrate and share my own insight of seeing something as supportive instead of reacting to another being critical towards that which I am embracing towards within immediately fearing that I am being deceived or that I have deceived myself by being embracing and that they are automatically right and superior because they are taking the critical stance that I would normally take and so within that feel vulnerable and weak and essentially inferior because I am on the other side of that polarity equation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is something wrong with my perspective, that there is something that I have missed, that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be naïve and to be gullible, because another is being critical and I am not – and thereby feel and experience that I am stupid because I have laid my ‘guard’ down for a moment – when in fact, when I look at myself within self-honesty, I stand by my insights and I see that they are not threatened by the fact that another is sharing a different critical perspective, which is actually equally relevant – and the two can coincide without either being invalidated by the other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately enter into discussions to share a ‘critical’ perspective – not from a starting-point of support, but from a starting-point of ego, of wanting to break other people’s ‘happy delusions’ in essentially looking down on them and thinking that I am doing them a favor by shattering their illusions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much I have missed out on, by deliberately being critical and skeptical – instead of looking for the constructive points, the solutions in a point/perspective – and to, if I see a point that is not understood/misaligned, to elevate it constructively rather than wanting to tear it down and break it apart in judging it as being ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and experience being critical – which in this context is basically being ‘on the fence’ in a state of preemptive judgment – is a positive and empowering expression because I have believed that I am then not being native or gullible and therefore I am one step ahead others and showing a form of intellectual superiority in being able to see things that others can’t

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed to believe, experience and define being critical as equal to being intellectually superior and thus being smarter and more intelligent than others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, from within this stance of perceiving myself as intellectually superior, have accepted and allowed myself to judge and demean others within my mind as well as verbally justifying this as righteous to myself in projecting spite onto them within judging them as being deliberately stupid or naïve

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am intellectually superior to others, I have a right – and even an obligation – to ‘shatter’ their naivety and basically ‘break them down’ through spite and judgment, judging them as being at fault for being naïve or gullible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within an expression of humbleness in recognizing that when others do not see what I see, if they are truly being native or gullible, that this is something that I have a responsibility to assist them with and that it is not something that gives me the right or prerogative to judge them or demean them or spite them – even if/when there is a deliberateness in their position of naivety or gullibility – because I understand that this is a position of being locked inside the mind in a particular mental program where what is real is being veiled through self-deception and also that the person may simply not have had access to or be familiar with the particular point – – exactly as I would want someone to assist me to break through the veil in moments where I was naïve or gullible, whether because I simply did not know any better or whether I was deliberately deluding myself. I would not want someone spiting or demeaning me because of it and it would certainly not support me to empower myself to see beyond the veil of my own delusion.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, participate in and endorse a positive energetic experience of superiority and power when I see that I am seeing beyond what others are seeing and to based on that, give myself the prerogative to spite, demean and judge them as being inferior to me – and thus justifying me tearing them down and breaking them – to show them their inferiority

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a positive experience of mental enjoyment of hearing my own voice speaking when being critical where I perceive myself as being ‘sharp’ and ‘direct’ and ‘on point’ and within that see myself as superior and intelligent

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated, in particular by other women growing up, whom I perceived to be sharp, on point and brutally direct and that I created and immense fear towards – and from that, created the desire to become like them, to intimidate and overpower others with my voice and words as I had felt intimidated and overpowered as a child, thus showing how behind my superiority, there is an inferiority and underlying fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to a ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ strategy of being so intimidated by women in my childhood that I saw no other way but to either become like them or be crushed under their sharp tongues

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to admire and look up to women who are sharp, direct and brutal in their way of expressing themselves within and as associating and equating that sharpness with confidence, certainty and intelligence, and because of seeing these women as superior, started emulating them and practicing speaking and expressing myself in the same way, to become like them and escape my experience of being inferior, naïve, a coward

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other women who express themselves directly and sharply and who has a critical perspective, in judging myself as being inferior, as being naïve and gullible and less intelligent than them because I did not have the same verbal skills of overpowering others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being naïve and gullible and thus less intelligent because I would automatically believe what other people told me, only to realize that they were deliberately fooling me, for instance with irony that I had a hard time understanding growing up

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being stupid and less intelligent than others because I take people on their word and because I do not understand irony and after several incidents of feeling like a fool when I had believed someone who was not being upfront, I made a decision to become strategic and calculated in my communication with others – to basically stop believing what people were telling me, to always be on the fence and remain critical, to protect myself and so avoid feeling stupid and inferior and unintelligent because I did not understand what was going on

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own judgment towards myself as being naïve and gullible and therefore stupid and unintelligent and therefore inferior onto others, where I would judge and spite and demean them, to feel superior, more intelligent and in power – to hide from and avoid feeling inferior, stupid and naïve

I forgive myself that I, through my life, have imposed a deliberate stance within myself of being critical and skeptical towards anything or anyone that comes my way because of experiences when I was a child, where I felt tricked and fooled deliberately by others and where they would laugh at me because I ‘fell for it’ or ‘didn’t get it’ and where I felt stupid and betrayed and judged myself as being too naïve and too gullible – especially when it came to sarcasm or irony which I had difficulty understanding – and so to protect myself from that experience, I decided to be deliberately skeptical and critical, instead simply not taking it personal and to not judge myself for not haven gotten something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see or understand that being naïve or gullible in the sense of believing others when they say something, is not the same as not being intelligent, is not the same as being stupid and is not the same as being inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider the dimension of gullibility coming from a starting-point of being pure in expecting that when others speak they mean what they say and they don’t deliberately try to fool you – which is in essence how it should be and then also not within that see what is actually here in terms of how we as human beings have become deceitful and spiteful and conceded towards ourselves and one another and so feel hurt because I couldn’t trust others, when in fact I had created unrealistic expectations to communication and interaction without fully understanding the extent of deception in human nature – including my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself into believing that being skeptical and critical as a default is a supportive and positive way of existing because I within that believe that I can ensure that I don’t get fooled or deceived by others – – not realizing that a) there is no way to ensuring that I won’t be fooled or deceived, because to ensure that I would have to know and understand everything and everyone as a part of myself, which I do not yet and therefore this belief is a false sense of security that I’ve convinced myself to feel better about myself and accommodate my fear of being deceived and b) when I deliberately take a skeptical and critical stance, I am coming at everything I meet in my world from a starting-point of fear of being deceived and am thus not open to embracing new perspectives and am essentially in a constant state of judgment and fear, making it difficult for me to expand and grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or care about how it has or may have affected others when I was being overly critical towards them or what they had to share, where I deliberately shut them down and thus missed out on hearing their perspective and thereby expanding myself – to remain in an illusion of being in control and being superior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of being fooled, which in essence is my fear of my own self-judgment over being manipulated by others and thereby being less intelligent, by making being critical and skeptical a stance of superiority and righteousness in my own mind, not realizing how much I miss out on by deliberately taking this stance

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I know myself in depth, if I stand stable within myself and my own being and nothing outside of me can move me, if I am absolutely self-honest and have established myself as a self-directive principle in my own life, then I can be entirely and completely open with others, I can be vulnerable and humble, because I know that nothing and no one can hurt or deceive me, as I know and understand that only I can deceive myself – – and as such, being deliberately critical and skeptical is not a sign of intellectual superiority, but actually a sign of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being open, vulnerable and embracing towards new perspectives does not have to mean that I cannot be critical and see beyond the veils of deception and that, simply because I am open does not mean that I will be fooled or deceived, because in essence, I can only be fooled or deceived by others if I am already fooling or deceiving myself

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into a positive energetic state of being deliberately critical and judgmental and skeptical towards a particular point, specifically sharpening my voice and pinching my eyes into a ‘suspicious’ state – I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I have created a point of ego where I feel superior when being critical as a point of self-protection against being fooled and deceived, which is a self-protection against my own self-judgment and imposed inferiority where I then take a stance of superiority to avoid my own fear and self-judgment.

I realize that I am not superior by being critical or because I perhaps see something in a moment that someone else does not see.

I realize that I am not inferior if I do not see something in a moment that another sees.

I commit myself to instead take a breath, open my eyes, and soften my voice and embrace and be open towards what is being shown/shared with me.

I commit myself to allow myself to be vulnerable, embracing, humble and open to others and to listen to them without fear of being deceived or manipulated, because I realize that as long as I know myself and understand myself in self-honesty, I cannot be fooled or deceived by another – because this is only possible through my own permission.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

I commit myself to develop self-trust, self-confidence and self-honesty and to get to know and understand myself and this world so that, whatever comes my way, I trust myself to assess the information in self-honesty and with common sense based on what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop being deliberately critical and skeptical to points/perspectives that I meet as a default way of approaching new things. I commit myself to dare to be vulnerable and open to whatever comes my way.

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