Today I was faced with a particular emotional experience. It was interesting to see how the emotional experience developed, while being more aware of myself, because as it developed, I could see the various trigger points unfold.
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So my partner had said something to me that I had reacted to as being hurtful and at once, lots of other points from the past started emerging, points that I “thought I had dealt with” but that evidently were still roaming around within me. For some time I’ve been looking at the point of suppression and how I’ve done myself a great disservice by becoming very effective at suppressing my emotions. So what I have started seeing is that my default way of ‘handling’ emotional turmoil would be to ‘wait it out’ – through distracting myself, through sleeping, through basically ‘checking out’ until the emotion had passed and I felt ‘fine’ again. Then I would make the assumption that I was ‘stable again’ because I no longer felt emotional, but what I had done was letting the body/mind relationship handle the emotion for me, where the body would absorb the emotion and the mind would store it deeper down in its ‘catacombs’ – and as was evident from this ‘incident’ was that it was certainly not gone or ‘dealt with’.
So, if I suppress an emotion by ignoring it and by simply doing nothing until it subsides, it does not mean that it is gone, but that I store it within me and that it can at any point be triggered, like a wound that was never really healed but covered up with Band-Aids and that can at any point reopen and start bleeding again. I’ve basically covered my entire body with these Band-Aids, each one representing an emotion, more or less making me a walking ‘open wound’ ready to bleed at any given moment or a ticking time bomb ready to go of whenever something in my environment triggers the memory of the event where the emotion was stored.
I’ve also been looking at another point recently, which is a question of how one can be strong and stable in one moment, only to collapse in emotional weakness another. Well here is the answer for that.
Before starting to walk my process from consciousness to awareness, I never considered my suppression mechanism. It simply worked and ‘did the job’ in terms of keeping me so relatively stable that I never lost my mind and was able to function relatively well in society.
I do see however that this has also contributed to me easily becoming exhausted when being with others, the tendency to want to isolate myself and be alone to ‘recharge’. It has had the consequence that I can be stable talking to my partner one minute, only to be triggered by a word he speaks the next and open a can of worms of suppressed emotions.
So when the emotional experience came up today, I immediately went into the default state of not wanting to look at the emotion or deal with it and all I wanted to do was to crawl under the covers and hide until the ‘storm’ of emotion had passed. Because I was aware of my thoughts and my reactions, I decided to instead embrace the emotion, to be with it and to let it be within me, rather than sending it into the ‘catacombs’ to become yet another ticking time-bomb ready to go off at any moment.
The emotion that came up today was sadness, but a particular dimension of sadness, a sadness infused with dimension of shame and hopelessness. The general experience is one that I am all too familiar with; it is the experience of not being good enough.
It is interesting because when I look at this experience and how it has manifested throughout my life, it has been like a constant ‘background music’, like a melancholic and hopeless track underneath everything, telling a tragic tail of someone who was born to be a loser, to never go anywhere with their life, who were doomed to fail.
Interestingly enough, I also see that the emotional signature is one I have copied from my mother, as it has also been the ‘background music’ in her life, this experience of feeling that you are not good enough. Combined with having particular physical features and subscribing to certain beliefs and ideas, this experience became like a story in and of it self in my life, a story about me and who I was and what opportunities were available to me in life.
When I look at my life right now, none of the above is true. I have found a resource in myself that I always knew was there and I have started to manifest it into the physical. You could say that the seed of my being has started growing, ever so slowly and that it is undeniable, even in its infant state. So I have conflicting information existing within me. One is the emotional ‘background music’ and its attached beliefs, ideas and memories. The other is the obvious physical results of what I am busy building with my life.
I have reached a ‘point of no return’ in terms of how the fruits of my labor as the small seeds of awareness I have planted, have started to sprout and grow. It is no longer merely a vision or an idea in my head. And I am undeniably aware that I owe it to myself and to everyone else to take this seriously and to not waste any opportunity to nurture and cultivate my seedlings.
As such, it is becoming more and more evident how disruptive it is to walk around with these inner databases of stored emotions that I have defined myself according to as per default, and that can at any point and without warning trigger an emotional landslide within me. There are so many important things to do in this world, there are so many opportunities to make a difference, that it would be absolutely tragic and in fact stupid without compare, to waste these seeds, simply because I run on an archaic operating system called ‘the mind’. Hackers and computer programmers and scientists are developing new systems and technologies on a daily basis, one more advanced than the other that is changing the world as we speak. There is no reason we cannot do the same within our own lives.
Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course