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you become your parentsI recently came across a quote on Facebook directed towards parents where it said something like “The way you talk to your children becomes their inner voice.” I found that to be quite profound and it is certainly so. I’m sure many can relate to suddenly hearing your mother or father’s voice speaking to you inside your own head, despite of them no longer being a constant presence in your life. It is the exact same with certain behavioral patterns and relationship dynamics that we carry with us into our adult relationships and that affect and influence the way we interact with others in sometimes very unfortunate ways.

So in this post I am continuing what I realize has become a series where I work towards correcting patterns from my childhood that are still affecting/influencing me today, especially the ones involving the relationship with adults.

Something I’ve noticed recently in my work, as a teacher is how adults see and speak to children as though they are constantly at fault. In fact it seems like there is an inherent view on children as being ‘evil’, a wild animal that has to be broken down before it can be built up to become a civilized member of society. This especially comes up when adults see children as deliberately doing things that they’re not supposed to do, where the adult believe that the child is supposed to ‘know better’ and where the adult therefore believes that their anger and scolding is justified because it is apparently part of the process of being a parent.

Because we as adults often don’t listen to children, because we’re preoccupied elsewhere, not actually being Here with our children, we tend to make snap judgments and jump to conclusions and sometimes punish and scold children without even listening to their side of the story or getting the facts straight.

I see this happen time and time again in my work and I see the devastated look of feeling betrayed in the child’s eyes when they are scolded for something they didn’t do or that the adult misunderstood as ‘misbehaving’ when the child was simply expressing itself.

As adults we quickly take on this role of being the nagging and bitter authority whose only job it is to do damage control and who easily, yet secretly come to despise children because of it.

So within this specific dimension of parenting that is often not discussed, we see children as barbaric savages and ourselves as the well-meaning missionaries trying to civilize them. Now, I have noticed a similar pattern playing out between my partner and myself. This is obviously not something we do consciously or with deliberate intent, but what we’ve noticed is how one of us will assume the part of the child misbehaving, by doing something that the other thinks we should know better than to do. The other one will then assume the part of the authoritarian and morally judgmental parent and will based on that try to ‘support’ the other partner to see/admin their mistake and correct it.

Now – in response to the authoritarian and moralizing parent character that one of us will assume, the other one will activate the defenses that they learned as a child, warding off their parents. So whatever technique you used as a child to get your parents off your back, you will then carry with you like mental tools in your mental backpack, that you can pull out when needed.

For some that might be being evasive and non-respondent, for others it may be internalizing the critique and go into a self-blame and self-judgment, literally taking the other’s words personally and accepting them as a valid assessment of you. Others again might start to rebel against the parental figure and will become oppositional or will start acting out in secret, like a child that hides from its parents to avoid getting scolded.

Now, a situation of reaction-bouncing has started where one person reacts to the other person’s reactions that then triggers a reaction in the other and so the two people can go on indefinitely as long as they have enough reactions in their mental backpack to pick from.

If however, one person has already corrected themselves in regards to a certain behavioral pattern, they can then be the ‘goal keeper’ that stops ‘the ball’ of reactions from bouncing by literally ‘catching’ the reaction and stopping the progression of possession that both are flinging themselves into.

As such, I will work with the point here through self-forgiveness, to release these behavioral patterns and the reactions that come up within me so that I can stop the momentum of reactions and develop a new and effective way of communicating with others that isn’t based on recreating destructive patterns of the past.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take on a role of being a moralizing and authoritarian parental figure where I justify becoming angry, blaming and judgmental when another has made a mistake or has done something that I believe they should have known better than doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that judgment and anger is ever justified or acceptable and to blame another for my experience of blame and anger and judgment by claiming that “they should have known better and therefore my reaction is appropriate.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create ideas and beliefs about what another should or shouldn’t know and to make myself the judge over why and how another makes the mistakes they do – where if I believe that they should’ve known better, I accept and allow myself to believe that it is acceptable and appropriate to scold the person, to yell at them, to judge them – – because that is what I experienced being done onto me by adults when I was a child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize and accept the fact that we’re all equally fucked in this world and as such we all make mistakes as we walk through this process and it is entirely unrealistic to expect for others to not make mistakes or to expect that they should know better based on my own standards or experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I am supporting another by scolding them and yelling at them when they’ve made a mistake, because that’s what adults did with me when I was a child – – not realizing that this obviously doesn’t work and that it will only have an adverse effect on the other person where I actually don’t assist them to change but do the exact opposite of supporting them to remain in a mind-pattern and as such to keep making the same mistake that I’m judging them for making

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a set of specific reactions and behavioral responses that I activate and play out automatically when and as I experience another judging me for making mistakes, where I first of all take it personally and react to the fact that they judge me – instead of stop up right here and remind myself that if another reacts to something I do, its not about me but about them and as such, it is actually my responsibility to remain stable in that moment, so that I can stand as their point of support and assist them, this not excluding me looking at the words behind their reaction and investigating whether there in fact is a relevant point of support in them, that I can bring back to myself and correct within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated pattern of reacting to feeling judged by another for something I’ve done where they are angry with me and think I should have known better/acted differently where I automatically accept their judgment as valid and accordingly internalize their judgment into myself and judge myself, thus validating their reaction and substantiating it by accepting it as real – and where I thus inferiorize myself and hold their judgment against myself and go into an emotional reaction of feeling like I’m not good enough, where I define the entirety of me according to their reaction – where I subsequently go into a point of blame towards them where I blame them for creating this experience of not being good enough within me, when I am in fact responsible for creating that experience within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated pattern of reacting to feeling judged by another for something I’ve done where they are angry with me and think I should have known better/acted differently by wanting to hide and keep secrets from them and by going into a point of rebellion where I deliberately do the things that they don’t want me to do, just because they don’t want me to do it OR where I do the opposite of deliberately doing what they want me to do, but only so as to get them off my back and get back in their good graces – where I become paranoid and afraid of angering them which causes me to suppress myself and avoid certain behavior, while inside myself blaming and resenting them for this

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop and realize that the way that I react to what I experience as another judging me for a mistake I’ve made or something they believe I shouldn’t have done, is coming directly from me recognizing something in their words/tonality that triggers an automated response that I created as a child towards adults scolding me – and as such that my reaction has nothing to do with this current moment or relationship, but is a repeating of the past as I’ve made this my default response

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see and notice that another is judging me or is becoming angry with me – I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to make this my first point of correction, because I see that this is where I start the cycle, where I activate my automated responses from childhood, instead of realizing that the other person is facing something towards which reactions are triggered within them, and only by remaining stable can I assists and support them. I also commit myself to humble myself within and as not automatically reacting by being defensive but to actually be vulnerable in allowing myself to hear what they’re saying/showing me without taking their reaction personally.

I commit myself to stop existing in fear and paranoia of another becoming angry with me where I hold onto memories of them becoming angry in the past, where I then restrict and limit certain behaviors to not trigger anger in them.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to blame another for becoming angry with me, which is really me blaming them for how I take it personally and feel hurt and judged – which is a reaction that I’ve created and allowed within me that only I am responsible for creating.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the cycling of past behavioral patterns that I developed as a child, because I now give myself the tools to learn how to communicate and interact effectively with another, where I can asses in self-honesty and in communication with another whether they are reacting and so are mirroring themselves in me and/or whether what they are saying is something that’s relevant for me to look at – not that these are mutually exclusive.

I commit myself to stop diminishing and inferiorizing myself if I see/experience that another is reacting to me, judging me or becoming angry with me and I commit myself to stop defining myself based on emotional experiences, whether my own or another’s

I commit myself to stop automatically responding through repeating the past by either doing the same as I did as a child or by doing what I saw adults do, and so instead whenever I see a point that requires alignment – investigate the most commonsensical and supportive ways to do that in such a way that my actions are best for all

I commit myself to change who I am as an adult in my relationship with children where I do not perpetuate the belief that children are inherently ‘bad’ or ‘evil’ or that they need to be treated with judgment and harshness to grow up effectively. I commit myself to be open and vulnerable and direct with children and to treat them as I want to be treated and I commit myself to meet any and every child in the moment and to assess the best way to direct the moment by taking responsibility for how I direct the moment as an adult, thereby not projecting my own personal issues onto the children OR triggering behaviors in them that aren’t best for all because I wasn’t stable or effectively aligned within myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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