Have a look at that statement and see what comes up in you. Is it a life independent of other people? A life where you don’t have to answer to anybody else? A successful career? Or do you imagine a beautiful house and lots of babies?
In this blog-post I explore for myself what it truly means to create a life of your own.
So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about our new house and the other day my partner and I started talking about what it is that comes up within engaging in these thoughts – specifically in the context of it being a desire, a desire that has a ‘dark side’ or a polar opposite as the idea of ‘lack’ and/or a fear of loss/not having, thus eliciting the desire ‘to have’.
When my partner and I discussed what this desire represents to me, meaning: what it is that I’m getting out of it – I discovered something that surprised me: That I like it because it gives me the feeling that I am creating my own life, that I have control over my own life. So then we started looking at where this experience of lack of being able to create my own life comes from.
It’s an interesting point in and of itself, this idea about ‘creating life/creating my own life’ because I see how I’ve made it an externalized point as how it’s understood in the system where ‘creating your own life’ has to do with very limited things like getting a house, having babies, building a career and so forth. But that then lead me to asking the question:
What does it really mean to create life? To create my ‘own’ life? To create myself as life?
What came up within me was a memory from when I was a child and I saw adults who were miserable and angry. They hated their lives and specifically the points of having to go to work every day doing a job that they’d just happen to have. Two particular people stood out, namely my mother and another woman who I experienced as being miserable and who had given up in even trying to make a life for themselves, like life was just this endless motion of days upon days that they had absolutely no say over.
Seeing these women and other adults in my life being so miserable and depleted of life instilled in me a tremendous fear of a meaningless and enslaved life.
I can also see how a specific factor in this was that I was about 6-7 years old and was full of creativity and joy and expression and when I approached them they would be sour and unapproachable and preferred curling up in front of the TV rather than playing with me. So I retreated to the basement where we had a big woodshop where I would build things and be creative with myself. It became my escape in a way – a place where I could create without restrictions.
So in returning to the experience of desire that has come up towards building our new house, I found that it has to do with that feeling of being able to create a life for myself, in creativity and without restrictions, something that I’m building and creating on my own.
As my partner pointed out, this means that I’ve separated myself from my own creativity/creative power because I’ve made it something external that I will either gain or be restricted from accessing through external forces – rather than being an infinite and absolute expression of myself.
This then brought up another interesting point, in relation to how I approach creative projects with the utmost specificity, discipline, dedication and stamina, because these are words that I’ve found myself lacking, when it comes to other obligations that I haven’t decided to take on by myself. As I looked around my life I could see how, every project that I’ve decided to take on for myself, I’ve been dedicated in walking – whereas those where I’ve perceived a pressure to perform according to a standard or that other people were having expectations towards me, I would feel hesitant, resistant and reluctant.
I see how I’ve associated this point of ‘working for others’ with a distinct negative experience based on how I saw the adults in my life as a child, where there was absolutely no creativity or enjoyment or self-creation; just work and enslavement and survival. But what I also realize now after the process I’ve been walking in relation to my current work is that, it doesn’t have to be this way. Just because we’re in a system of enslavement right now, a system that is definitely unacceptable and has to change – but that doesn’t have to define who we are within what we do. Just because we’re working a job to survive, doesn’t mean that we can’t live creativity, or creative power or passion. And I would even say that it is exactly that which is needed for us to change this system, that we open ourselves up to an dare to grasp – and create – opportunities for ourselves to change, expand and transform the current system, through ourselves as a living, breathing example of what is possible – even in a seemingly impossible situation.
So as we were looking more into these points, what also came up was an experience of standing accountable to others and risk disappointing them or failing or not living up to set expectations. I’ve for example previously in my life deliberately decided not to take a higher education because I experienced there being a pressure or expectation upon me from my family and those around me. Only when I no longer experienced that pressure, basically when I felt that I had gotten them off my back and no one were making any comments any longer, did I decided to go back to university and get a degree. And this time it was my decision and so a responsibility that I took upon myself. The same thing has happened in my relationship with my partner where he wanted me to expand in a certain point of skill-development. But the more he talked about it, the more I resisted doing it. Eventually I asked him to stop and let me do it on my own and low and behold – once he had stopped talking to me about it, once it was something I was doing unconditionally without feeling pressured to do it, I could do it.
So what this is showing is a point of limitation within me where I’ve defined standing accountable to others or perceiving myself as standing accountable to others as something inherently negative. Its just like when I was a child where the adults were working for ‘something/someone else’ to survive, while feeling that their life was not their own and that there weren’t anything they could do about it, but to wait it out – where I then retreated into my creative world where I did have creative power and there was no sad or angry faces.
So what I’ve come to realize is that the problem is not that I don’t have dedication or discipline or willpower or drive. The problem is that I’ve channeled that expression through the mind, through that which feels good, that which I can do myself as a creation process – instead of realizing that I have the opportunity to do that in every moment, in everything that I do. I also realized that I’ve channeled this part of myself into some pretty meaningless projects, like making handmade Christmas gifts for everyone – instead of actually using my dedication for something that can make a real difference in the world – in all of our lives. But as soon as there’s a risk and there are other people involved, I get scared and then go into the old manipulation pattern of feeling inferior, not good enough and then giving up.
So basically what all of this has showed me is how desires are connected to fears and with the fears to experiences of lack. As a child I saw people living something that they believed were a definitive reality and I came to accept it as such and developed such a tremendous fear towards it that I made it a commitment to never get caught in that kind of life myself. Now, being in the process of building my own house, it has then come to represent this point of ‘creating a life for myself’ – but interestingly enough, I’m not actually doing anything different than other people are doing, meaning: it is still within the exact same framework of the exact same system of enslavement. It is a delusion of freedom, a delusion of creation and creative power, a distraction from actually creating life for real.
Because if you have a look at it, imagining what kind of tiles I’m gonna get or where the fridge is going to be, all it does is it stimulates consumerism – but where I’m in this delusion of believing that I’m ‘creating life’ for real – because that’s the reference that I’ve created for myself, that ‘creating life’ means making one’s own decisions for one’s own life – but how can I really say that it is? That my decisions are my own? That I’m making free choices?
It is interesting also in this context that ‘creating a life of my own’ becomes about ‘nesting’ and ‘playing house’ as a distinct female fantasy, thus going to show how extensively the preprogramming and enslavement actually goes; that even when we think that we’re freeing ourselves from the shackles of the past – we’re in fact reinforcing them, often by trying to do the opposite than what we think is enslaving us, only to the effect that we remain enslaved. As females it is thus (for the most part) as far as our ‘ambition’ or ‘vision’ go; to the babies or the house or if we really stretch it: to a successful career. But what about exploring the potential of life that is within us? Life as it has never been expressed before? That which we know exists within us as a seed but that we’ve never dared to nourish because it might just grow up and flower so vibrantly that the whole world will take note of it. Unfortunately our notion creating a life for ourselves is mostly about getting something or getting somewhere or becoming something, like these constant upgrades that is supposed to make us more – while we just feel like less and less throughout our lives. We never considered that the key to fulfillment was within us all along, not in a ‘spiritual sense’ of just coming to tems with and accepting who are are – but also realizing that we have the power and so the responsibility to change ourselves, from what we are now – and to do that we have to face who we are now – so that we may grow and expand and become the potential of who we could be.
So what I’ve come to see is that creating life for real – is something that I can only do within and through myself as the platform or the ‘nothingness’ through which life can be created, through the plowed soil of my being that has been cleared from the weeds of the mind and that is ready to receive and nurture that which has the potential to become life.
This is a process of discovery and exploration that is first and foremost internal, because how can I know what life is when I have never lived it? So it’s not so much about ‘creating my own life’ in this world – because that is in itself a delusion, an alluring distraction, considering how our entire system is build upon a foundation of enslavement, preprogramming and fixed results. It is about creating myself as life, about creating life as myself, about bringing myself as life into what I do, and so create life with and as what I do with myself.
This means that there are no limitations, in the sense that whatever I participate within, I can decide who I am within it and so direct it accordingly. See for example, if I were to only perceive my current job as a means to get money and otherwise within that feel disenfranchised because I know that I’m essentially working for a system of enslavement and that there’s no way out of that, would I look for opportunities to grow or expand? Would I be open towards seeing possibilities of transforming my job or position or even partake in transforming the system? Would I even be awake and aware enough to recognize when such opportunities presented themselves? No. I wouldn’t even advance in my job or be ambitious within it or seek to perfect myself, because I would be doing it in total separation from myself where I would see my job and myself as two entirely separate points, as though who I am when I am at work is just a slave, an organic robot doing its mechanical thing to survive, because “hey, that’s how the world works man, get with the program”.
What I also find so fascinating, which I didn’t know at the time – when I created this massive fear of being enslaved to a meaningless life and a meaningless job – was that the two women in my example, both became completely different people once they retired.
Both these women, my mother and the other woman – actually became ‘alive’ when the retired from their jobs. My mom started painting again and now at 73 she has never been more active or joyful. The other woman moved out to the beach in a little house and later moved to the other side of the country. What this showed was that their experience of not having any control or say in their lives had much to do with the point of working and feeling trapped in that.
They didn’t realize that they could change how they saw, experienced and defined themselves within their jobs. They didn’t consider – or didn’t dare to open themselves up to new possibilities or opportunities within their positions. All they saw was a job they had just to make money and the enslavement that followed until they system would release them from their bondage and give them twenty odd years of doing what they wanted as a ‘reward’.
I realize that it doesn’t have to be this way. The potential of life is in every fiber of this existence, to take what we have already created, as this limited and enslaved existence – and to transform it into something that we can be really creative with, have fun with, be dedicated towards, respect, honor, regard, care for – as ourselves.
That is done, not through waiting around till ‘life’ comes and grants us our retirement plan and THEN we can live, or to sit and wait around for Jesus or some other etheric savior to come on a cloud and magically take all our burdens away. No – it is done through taking the responsibility of creating life, of becoming life upon ourselves. We can each have a look at those moments, those parts of our lives where we are truly joyful and creative and innovative, where no one has to tell us what to do, where we trust ourselves, where making mistakes is a part of the process, where we dare to experiment and think out of the box, where we naturally dedicate ourselves and perfect ourselves relentlessly until we’ve created something that we’re satisfied with, something which contains all our hard labor and consideration – something that is substantial and useful and beneficial, not just for us but for those around us. Maybe you have never experienced this – and that’s okay too, because that gives you all the more reason to start opening yourself up to discovering what that would be for you – and who you would be within such a process of creation. And maybe you have, and maybe like me you’ve channeled it into things that are absolutely meaningless and make no difference in the world what so ever. But what we can take from that is that the ability to create is within us. And therefore it is our response-ability. To see what is here in the world and respond appropriately, in taking the responsibility upon ourselves to create the life that we see is best, that is optimal for all involved.
The next step for me with all of this is to first of all stopping with channeling my creative power into things that are essentially meaningless and instead start applying it where it really matters. To do that I obviously have to let go of my limited idea that I can only express my creative power in projects that I have started myself, where there are no deadlines or restrictions or expectations from other people – because that’s obviously unrealistic. Then I would be doing pottery for the rest of my life lol. So it means to stop trying to get away from one cage by building another to confine myself in. This doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the process of building a house for example – but there’s a stark difference between doing that and then doing it out of a belief that I can’t create life and that I essentially have to compensate by simulating what life maybe possibly could be.
Let’s face it: there is no such thing as ‘creating a life of my own’ in this world. Why? Because life is not our own. We are not even our own. Everything we currently exist as belongs to a system of enslavement, a system that is attempting to simulate Life, but that can never be life because it is essentially created through the abdication of life in the first place – and who did that? We did. Life is not supposed to be ‘my own’ either, because that would mean that it was separated from everything and everyone else and that I would create my life without consideration for existence as a whole, and that by its very definition is exactly what life is not. Every desire we have comes from the past, from memories and from images that we’ve seen. There’s nothing original about it. So while we may walk around thinking that we’re being super creative or that we’re really creating a life of our own, we’re actually just browsing through the same old preprogrammed information and picking the ones that gives us a sense of freedom. So what does it mean to create life? Well that’s what we are here to find out.
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