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fear of not being likedThe past couple of days I’ve been spending time with my mother due to her visiting my partner’s family for Christmas. Last time she was here I had very strong reactions towards her, so I knew that this time I would have the opportunity to stop and correct these in real time. The reactions weren’t as intense as they were previously, specifically because I have made myself more aware of them and myself in/as them, however they were strong enough that I wasn’t immediately able to push through them. So I decided to first sit down and write myself out in relation to these reactions and then work with the point of stopping the reactions in the morning. What I found was the following:

When I was a child I experienced other people reacting strongly to my mother in a very negative way. They would talk about her behind her back and I would hear it and take it personally and developed an intense fear of people seeing me the same way they saw my mother. She didn’t seem to notice and I decided that I would never be like that, that I would become likable and that I would be attentive towards other people’s reactions towards me so that I would be able to intervene if I noticed them reacting to me and ensure that I made myself likable to them. This became a point of paranoia and an obsession within me, because it was based on this intense fear that came up when I heard how people talked about my mother and saw how she didn’t even realize it. What also happened was that I did a ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ where I started judging my mother and saw their disdain and spite as valid, but because I also experienced myself as intrinsically connected to my mother, it became a point of inner conflict and turmoil within me. To a large degree, that’s what my reactions towards her now are about. What I’ve realized is that I feel like she’s a threat to the positive self-image I’ve created where I’ve been relatively good at getting people to like me and because she’s my mother I’ve felt that she represents me or is connected to me and therefore that whatever she does or says reflects directly back to me. I’ll here work with the reactions through self-forgiveness and will accordingly scrip self-corrective statements for myself that I will give myself as an anchor for grounding myself whenever I find myself reacting towards my mother.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed when my mother gets drunk and expresses what I perceive to be being out of control

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get angry with my mother for the way she acts because I feel and experience that she is connected to me and as such that she’s reflecting badly on me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my mother as a child and how other people expressed dislike towards her and how I within that felt scared that they’d see me the same way and because of that turned against her and started judging, disdaining and disliking her because of it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for my mother and pity her because of how I’ve perceived that other people doesn’t like her and within that see her as weak and as someone who has to be protected

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what my mother says or does is my responsibility because I see her as an extension of/a representative for myself and as such I have to make sure that she doesn’t say or do anything offensive or embarrassing because I believe/experience that this would reflect badly on me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cast moral judgments on my mother for the way she speaks about people in public where I judge her as being inconsiderate and ignorant towards others hearing what she’s saying and being offended by it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for expressing her backchat within and as a belief that it is a taboo to express one’s backchat and that backchat should only be kept inside one’s secret mind, thus implying that I fully accept the existence of backchat, when only when it is being kept secret – and so that my mother by speaking it out loud is exposing a side of myself that I’ve kept suppressed and secret and that I’ve judged myself for

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my mother making sounds when she’s eating and in general where I judge and perceive her as being overly expressive in such a way where I feel invaded by it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for what I perceive as her demanding constant attention and recognition and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in an experience of feeling pressured, forced and invaded when I am with her, because I feel/believe that I must give her the attention she demands for her not to guilt-trip me. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I accept and allow myself to react in an experience of guilt when another attempts to manipulate me, that this is my responsibility because I am the one accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and thus also accept the premise of the guilt as valid, that if I don’t give someone the attention or recognition that they seek, that I am then at fault

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the negative experience in relation to seeking attention is a family-pattern that has been passed on for generations in my family – and as such also that I only react to it because it exists equally within and as myself as a pattern that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let direct me and control my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that others judge my mother and see her as annoying, rude, selfish and ignorant, and so take part in this judgment and see it as valid, and see it as valid to judge my mother and want to control her and contain her so that she doesn’t trigger these reactions in others that then reflect back on me because I am connected to her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a part of my mother and to define my mother as being a part of me and so see everything that my mother does and everything that she is as my responsibility because whatever she does will define me too – instead of realizing that we are two individual people and as far as that, what she does or says is first and foremost her responsibility and that it doesn’t define me or change me or influence who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react so strongly to the way others have reacted to my mother throughout my life and so because of that have decided that I never want others to see me the way they see my mother and thereby have created a ‘law’ for myself to always be friendly and kind and tolerant – as the opposite of what I saw that she ways and to do whatever is in my power to make sure that people will like me and to be attentive towards their reactions towards me as the opposite of what I’ve seen her do, but where my actions and my personality is born out of a polarity and a fear where my actions are not genuine because there always is the undercurrent of fear towards how others see me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reactions that others had towards my mother were not valid, but were judgmental and spiteful and that they took her personally – and so by accepting their reactions as valid and by fearing them, I turned against my mother and so turned against myself in extension thereof and I created a perpetual fear of others speaking about me in this way and seeing me in this way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don’t have to fear others reactions towards me, because I now understand that when someone reacts, they are reacting to a mirror of themselves in another – and so that I can remain stable, that I can trust myself, that I can love myself and accept myself entirely independent of how others see, react or respond to me and that my self-acceptance have nothing to do with how others see me or do not see me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for not listening to others, for speaking out of context and not being considerate towards her environment, in being like an elephant in a porcelain shop – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by this behavior, because this is exactly what I fear within myself, what I attempt to hold back, contain, control and suppress and so when my mother does something that I am afraid of doing or that I’ve suppressed within me, I feel threatened because I fear being exposed and that my entire positive and likable personality will crumble around me due to her connection to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for making sounds when she’s eating in seeing it as over-expressing, not realizing that she’s probably not aware of what she’s doing and that it’s not something she does deliberately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my mother when I feel and experience that she is guilt-tripping me or saying something that implies that I’ve mistreated her when I know that I haven’t

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to guilt-trip others and to make snide remarks towards them as a manipulation tactic that I use to get what I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and disdain my mother for not being a stable human being and for using emotional manipulation and snide remarks to make others feel bad about how she thinks they treat them

I realize that I don’t have to react or feel bad when my mother manipulates me- I realize that I don’t have to accept and allow myself to feel guilty or to be manipulated

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and judgment towards others and to feel righteous within myself in doing so where I see and experience myself as better than them

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am reacting to my mother making sounds, I stop and I breathe. I breathe the energy through my body and out through my feet and I stabilize myself. I realize that I react to my mother making sounds due to memories of her from when I was a teenager where I despised everything she did and that I have developed the same exact sounds myself and so when she makes the sounds I am reminded of myself and of my disdain for her from the past. I commit myself to let go of and release my memories of my mother and I commit myself to let go of my energetic reactions towards my mother in being embarrassed by her

When and as I see that I react to the way my mother speaks with others, where I see that I’m taking it personally and am reacting in fear of being exposed through my connection with her, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve developed a fear and paranoia towards how others see me and because that fear is connected to my mother it comes up specifically when my mother does something similar as she did when I was a child. I commit myself to let go of my judgment towards my mother and my fear of her doing something that makes me look bad. I commit myself to let go of fear of being judged by others.

I realize that I’ve held disdain, disgust and judgment towards myself because I’ve held disdain and disgust and judgment towards my mother. I commit myself to let go of my disdain, disgust and judgment towards my mother and so to myself. I commit myself to embrace my mother and embrace myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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