Why do girls sometimes try to act like boys or impress boys? How does it feel like for a girl when the word ‘girl’ is used in a derogatory sense? Why do we deliberately use derogatory labels to put each other down? How can we stop taking derogatory remarks personally where we define and limit ourselves according to them – and instead embrace ourselves as who we are?
In the last post Like A Girl… DAY 327 I talked about how I realized that I’ve taken it personally when males in particular have talked derogatory about being ‘a girl’ and how I’ve because of this tried to get rid of my ‘girlish’ aspects and instead embody a more ‘cool’ and ‘boyish’ expression. I am here going to walk a process of forgiving myself for inherently judging ‘female’ as something negative and thereby defining myself as a female as negative causing me to try to be more like a male.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I hear people talking about females in a labeling and derogatory way where especially the word ‘girl’ is associated with something that is considered ‘weak’, ‘whiny’, ‘timid’, ‘oversensitive’ and ‘nagging’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold a definition within myself of the word ‘girl’ associated with and charged with a negative energy pertaining to the words ‘weak’, ‘whiny’, ‘timid’, ‘oversensitive’ and ‘nagging’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that a girl is by definition ‘weak’, ‘whiny’, ‘timid’ and ‘oversensitive’ and ‘nagging’ because that is one of the primary ways I’ve heard the word girl being used
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and identify myself as a girl and thereby label myself with a negative energetic attachment of judgment pertaining to the words ‘weak’, ‘whiny’, ‘timid’, ‘oversensitive’ and ‘nagging’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make generalized descriptive terms that describe how a person looks or how they can be distinguished from others, but that does not in itself say anything about their characteristics, derogatory and spiteful through which I experience myself as more than them and more than others and that I am the ‘normal one’, the ‘unmarked’ that is ‘right’ and ‘correct’ by default because I’m the one who call others out
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to spite, demean and exclude people that I don’t understand or that I feel threatened by in an attempt to assert myself over them in my mind and so feel superior and secure in myself and in my position in relation to them, when in fact I do so out of fear
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make the word girl derogatory as something that is weak and ridiculed and negative and so within doing so, attempt to neutralize the potential power that I fear within females by essentially capture females in a diminished and subjugated position by labeling them within the basic definition of who they are of simply by being female, as automatically inferior and negative
I forgive myself that I, within taking it personally, especially when men and boys use the word ‘girl’ or ‘woman’ in a diminishing and derogatory way, have accepted and allowed myself to accept the premise that I as a female am inherently weak, submissive and negative and so have played into this diminishment through negative labels and thereby have captivated myself within the label itself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become ashamed and embarrassed of myself because I am a girl/female/woman within and as having taken the statements where ‘girl’ is used derogatory personally and thereby have accepted them as real and valid within me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become particularly embarrassed and ashamed of myself when or if I exhibit behavior that falls under the category of being ‘typically female’ such as not driving properly, becoming afraid or emotional
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being a female/girl/woman subconsciously within and as judging that, and thus myself/aspects of myself as that, as negative and thereby try to be more like a man, in subsequently by default judge men/males/boys as positive as the polarity to the negative
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a specific dimension as to why males and boys/teenagers in particular deliberately seek to define/see ‘female/girl/woman’ as something negative, is so as to create a positive energetic experience within themselves where they automatically become positive by judging someone else as negative – exactly as is done in many other polarized relationships like with ‘right/wrong’, ‘religious/non-believer’, ‘meat-eater/vegan’ or ‘black/white’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to in a default state of polarity look up to boys and men as being ‘more than’ simply because they are males and correspondingly look down on females and so consequently myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated and physically embedded pattern of trying to impress boys and men where I try to show them that I am one of them by doing things that I’ve defined as distinctively ‘male’ such as racing in the car, not being squeamish, being tough, using sarchasm and changing my physical body appearance to appear more assertive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within separating myself from and judging the parts and aspects of me that I saw as negatively female, I separated myself from myself as a female in general – and so also from my own natural and unique expression and instead sought out to change myself, to be different, to basically not be who I am because I believed that who I am is wrong, bad, weak, inferior
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with an experience of excitement and adrenaline rush whenever I move into the pattern of impressing males where my entire expression and demenour changes from one moment to another, where I literally move out of myself and into this ‘character’ of playing tough and cool, but where I also easily compromise my body and my sorroundings in my attempt of impressing men through being more like a man
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to generate a positive energetic experience inside myself where I feel proud and honored whenever a male compliments me along the lines of “you’re one of the boys’” or “you’re not a girly girl” where I feel like I’m being acknowledged and respected – not realizing that I was playing a part, essentially out of fear, and so it wasn’t really me that was being acknowledged but a character that I created to protect and upgrade myself from what I perceive and accept to be an inherent weak, ridiculed and inferior position
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously believe that if I act more like a boy and if I separate myself from the aspects of myself that could potentially be judged in a negative way as being female, I will be respected and I will be worthy and I will be powerful
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the term ‘like a girl…’ is entirely factually inaccurate because girls are different, just like boys, just likes Africans or Arabs or monkeys or people with glasses and as such it is up to me to decide what being a girl is – and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, by accepting the premises of that extremely limited statement, not even describing how ‘girls’ ARE but only referring to something that is ‘LIKE a girl’ is – have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to escape the diminishing effect of being labeled as a girl is by trying to act more like a man and getting men/boys – especially the ones who would make such statements to be impressed with me and accept me as part of them, not realizing that the statements were never real to begin with and was made out of insecurity and inferiority in trying to empower oneself through bringing others down
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don’t have to impress anyone – I simply have to let go of the negative attachment and so the extreme limitation that I’ve placed upon the word ‘girl’ and so ‘female/woman’ and instead embrace myself as who I am, where being a female is part of who I am, it’s not bad or good, but simply a distinction – but not all I am
When and as I am in the vicinity of males and I see myself going into the pattern of wanting to impress them by acting male, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don’t have to act like I’m more than I am, because what I am is not less – and so I can simply remain here, comfortable and at ease with who and what I am, without trying to act like something that I’m not.
I commit myself to embrace myself as a girl, as a female, as a woman, but not as the end-all-be-all definition of myself, but as a part of who I am that is neither negative or positive, but that has certain qualities and aspects to it that is different from the male, which again isn’t bad or good and can be equally supportive, expansive or limiting or abusive – not limited by anything but who and what I decide to be and live.
I commit myself to let go of the negative attachment I’ve created towards the word ‘girl’, ‘woman’ and ‘female and the reaction of taking it personally and feeling hurt whenever someone talks about females in a derogatory way where I thereby validate the judgment and diminishment as real and valid – not only for me, but for all females and for all males
I commit myself to let go of the resentment that I’ve created towards males for deliberately diminishing females because I now understand why they do it as it is something I’ve done myself and I see how it’s simply a really bad coping and survival strategy that we create because we haven’t yet learned to effectively deal with what goes on inside of us and so we turn on other people instead of sorting ourselves out. It’s not something that’s acceptable, but now I understand why. And so next time I hear a male saying something derogatory about females I can see if there’s an opportunity for me to show this to him and so also support him to expand himself in actually facing his own insecurity and experience of inferiority and powerlessness and instead empower himself without having to diminish others to feel better about himself
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